|
Post by caledonia on Feb 11, 2015 8:16:12 GMT
Hi all
Life is completely crazy here and I don't know if I am coming or going. I thought posted about this before but cant find it in a search so maybe I am just going mad.
DS (14) lies and steals constantly and these are the things that really push my buttons. Its mainly round food, electronic gaming and internet usage but it is constant and really wearing me down. I store his electronic equipment in my room as he cant control his own usage of it and he will come in and steal it and then deny he has it. He acts all innocent and sticks to his lie that he has not stolen it. Even when I find the item in his room he denies he has taken it.
in rational moments he says that all his friends can use their tablets/ PS4s etc. whenever they want, can watch 15 and 18 films and download anything from the internet and that its not fair I don't let him do it all. He also wants to go out with his friends and roam the streets every evening which I don't let him do because of his poor impulse control - doing what he is dared to do, shop lifting and getting caught etc. His friends went swimming two nights ago which he hates but it was my fault they did not invite him because I wont let him do anything apparently although I have said he can go swimming, to the cinema etc. just not roaming the streets.
Am I being unreasonable not letting him have unlimited access to electronics and internet and going out with his friends? I feel that these things are not a right but are something you earn and to be honest his attitude about the world owing him a favour doesn't make me feel inclined to 'give in'.
Hope this ramble makes sense.
Cale x
|
|
|
Post by corkwing on Feb 11, 2015 8:43:54 GMT
Hi, Cale -
I think it's one of those things where we're in a cleft stick: damned if you do; damned if you don't. At 14, he's separating from you and "normally" would need a lot more independence. Unfortunately, from what you've said, he's not mature enough to use that independence.
So the balance is: do you deal with him at his age of maturity, in which case you're storing up a whole pile of resentment and potentially damaging your relationship with him? And having to deal with lying and stealing which you say push your buttons. Or do you give him his freedom, aware of the risks but maintaining the relationship?
It's a really tough decision, I'm afraid.
|
|
|
Post by mooster on Feb 11, 2015 12:12:44 GMT
This is such a hard one and we really muddled our way through it with AD. Lying was and still is the big one for her. Also there appears to be an inability to learn from actions so the same behaviours and therefore the same consequences seem to happen time and time again, therefore we felt she was so likely to make poor choices away from home. She is now 18 and not in prison or pregnant and is in fact still alive!
At 13/14 she wanted to go off and roam round the place with goodness knows who, she never brought friends home so we had no idea who this long list of names was that she was meeting. She also use to paint quite a negative picture about what she was doing so you worried more - quite clever really as it meant she was centre of attention.
It was like she always wanted the whole cake without taking a slice at a time and building trust so that as a parent you gradually release the reins. Sadly the lying meant the trust was never really there but even so we tried so hard to set good standards of behaviour and messages of how to keep safe.
Things sadly did fall apart and she became section 20 but over the past few years we have worked really hard with her at maintaining the boundaries around our home and closing our eyes and keeping fingers crossed about what happens outside the home, this has got worse since she turned 18 and SS boundaries now all but disappeared. Yes, she has got herself into, what we would consider, some awful situations but the emotional effect on her seems to wash off while we are left fretting.
Also be aware of your other child and the impact of this friction on them - are they from the same mould or are they their own person who can see that, in the words of our AS they are being "a plonker"! Your methods of discipline may need to be different, it is so hard when one is seen to "get away" with things because you have decided to fight different battles.
Tough, tough, tough and no magic answers except you are not alone. We so want to protect and help our children grow. This is often not possible as their brains are wired so differently - set your standards and most importantly look after yourself.
Mooster x
PS I think the internet/gaming battle is happening in too many homes across the country - it is like there is nothing else to do but stare at a screen and shoot things.....
|
|
|
Post by pluto on Feb 11, 2015 12:52:21 GMT
If you can not trust him than tell him that. That is the reason why he can't go out. Trust can be earned by good behaviours, until he proves to you that there is a reason to trust him and he starts making good choices there is no reason to relax your bounderies. You know what will happen if you do, do not do it and more important do not feel guilty about it! This is what they need when they are still struggling with feelings of entitlement, by mainstream children this is established by the age of 4, our children are special needs so to keep them on the straight and narrow they need interventions for a special needs child. And prevention is still the best intervention. You will know and feel when the time is right to relax a bit.
|
|
|
Post by haze on Feb 18, 2015 11:33:13 GMT
Very familiar with this! We don't keep cash in the house or on us as it is always taken. The crazy lying is constant & very annoying.
We try not to get sucked into the melodrama & state facts but it is very difficult when the culprit genuinely believes what they are saying is true. I think it is helpful to remember that it is their version of the truth & try to avoid using shaming language as that always escalates it for us.
We are about to try for a cahms referral due to youngest behaviours - 13 yrs old & very much emotionally 3 but believes she can do what she wants when she wants & speak to me/us how she wants!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2015 9:06:15 GMT
Buy yourself a safe to store the electronic gadgets in. You can get a laptop safe for around £50 from B&Q, that way he won't be able to sneak in and take them when you are not looking and it might save your sanity. You can also keep your purse in there or any other valuables that might go missing. You can program in a code for opening it and also get two keys, in case you forget the code or the batteries die. I bought one and it's a godsend.
Regarding curfews. Tell him what the rules are in your house, when you expect him to come home etc, and if he doesn't adhere to them, he loses his phone for 24 hours (in the safe). He needs to learn that there are consequences if he breaks the curfew and losing precious phone for a while might help him remember to adhere to the house rules.
|
|
|
Post by mrbop on Mar 17, 2015 22:03:51 GMT
Another angle on the phone if it is an Android is to install something like Parental Control Board play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.vionika.parentalBoardAgent&hl=en_GB You can control what is downloaded, what times (and duration) the applications can be used for e.g. shut down everything barring emergency calls at bedtime/curfew time, white list or blacklist for phone numbers and texts, and it has a GPS piece so with a data package you always know where they are which has helped verify or disprove various tales at times. As trust is built we loosen reins, if breached we pull them in again. Suggested to us by a SW. Don't know if it works on laptops or tablets but we have parental controls on our laptop that simply shuts it down at bedtime - obviously wailing and gnashing of teeth does occur at times ;-)
|
|
|
Post by janpan on Mar 17, 2015 23:58:38 GMT
Our DS has a good trick. He MUST answer his phone if we call him - we don't call him often. We pay for his phone so that we can contact him/ he can contact us in an emergency. He's just started not answering it, but then calling back and saying he didn't hear it. It gives him control of the phone call. He knows exactly what he's doing. Anyway, we've taken his phone off him too, for a while, till he's able to re-think his approach to this.
We have strict parental controls on his laptop and I do log-in to check it. He has been excluded from school for violating their firewall, so who knows, but we think we're pretty savvy. Lying teenagers and technology are a tricky mixture, indeed.
|
|