the never ending cycle of neglect

I have to admit it, I'm beginning to worry.  My AS, his wife, and their child (coming up for 2) who lives with them.  It is such a sad story.  My AS is soon to be 30 years old.  When I adopted him and his sister they were  6 and 7 years old.  He is the older one.  Both had been neglected and abused in their parental home and then further abused and neglected in foster care.  Both had been engaged in serious criminal behaviour by the time they came to me although I did not know it at that time.  Both birth parents were alcoholics and involved in criminal behaviour, especially the father, who spent much time in prison.  There had been terrible domestic violence in their home.  Both my AS and AD were diagnosed eventually with ADHD and FAE.  I discovered that my son was especially affected by his birth mother's drinking.  It did become apparent to me over time that, although he was of normal intelligence, he was brain damaged.  He went into foster care when he was nearly 16 after he menaced me with a cigarette lighter.  He had a number of placements that all ended due to his behaviour and he eventually ended up in a homeless hostel.  This is where he met his girlfriend, whom he would go on to marry.  She has as many problems, if not more, than him.  It makes them a very at risk couple. 

My daughter in law's mother had 8 children.  They were all in care.  They have been a notorious family, very well known to the agencies.  My AS told me that the daily city newspaper once had a front page article with the title 'Is this the worst family in *?'  They provide the worst sort of role models.  In this family there is very little expectation that adults work, instead there is very much a benefits culture.  No value is placed on education and educational standards are low.  The only role of women is to have babies.  Going into prison is an occupational hazard.  The police are the enemy.  So are the social work department.  There is nothing unusual about your children going in and out of care.  You play the system, make yourself intentionally homeless, use your children as pawns to keep getting rehoused.  Her mother and stepfather were charged at one time with using their nice rented house (courtesy of taxpayers) as a cannabis factory.

By the age of 19, my AS had a child.  They were not coping but went on to have two more in quick succession.  I was the one to alert the agencies to the risks to the children.  Phone calls and reports.  The children went into care on a couple of occasions but were returned home.  They eventually went into longterm care.  Meanwhile they had another child who went into care at birth and went for adoption.  Then they had another child.  She went into care at birth too.  However there was a new social worker involved at this time.  She was new to the area, had not been involved in past events, and had rosy coloured glasses.  I think she thought they'd been treated rather badly.  To my surprise, instead of the child going for adoption, her plan was to have her home with them.  I was not consulted.  I had been consulted about the future of the fourth child and had said I thought it would be a gamble to let her return home to them. 

And so this child has been home with them for a year.  They were viewed as a great success and supervision was terminated, after about 10 years of social work supervision.  I visited them a couple of days ago.  They are very aggrieved as the social worker turned up on an unscheduled and unannounced visit.  I believe that concerns are beginning to filter through.  The child has a nursery placement three days a week.  It sounds like her attendance has dropped off.  I explained to them the importance of an excellent attendance record and the benefit to the child, who loves going, but my daughter in law just got annoyed with me.  She can't see the problem if they let the nursery know she won't be going.  She is also furious that concerns have been expressed about the company they are keeping as they are members of her family.  She has a skewed view of the world and doesn't see that there is something wrong if all the children are removed from a family or if there are serious concerns about parenting or behavioural issues.  From her point of view, how dare the social workers dictate who she can associate with in her extended family.  It is obvious to me that my son does all the parenting as before.  He adores his little girl and at a minimal level she is OK.  At the moment the big pluses are that there is only the one child and that my daughter in law is not obviously volatile, extremely moody and frankly scary as she was previously.  However it is very clear that she suffers from personality disorders.

I am finding myself worrying about the future for the little girl.  I wish she had gone for adoption.  She would have had a better life.  I am beginning to think that, when she is a bit older, maybe I shall have to share the care with them, have her at weekends and parts of holidays.  Help her with homework, encourage her educationally, give her interesting experiences, involve her in activities, take her to see her aunty.  However, if things deteriorate, she would have to go for adoption.  I am 65 now and I am too old.  She would need younger and loving adoptive parents.  But it's sad to be thinking about this possibility, isn't it?  

Lily