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Post by homebird on Jan 14, 2015 9:25:57 GMT
My daughter had a lovely get together with her siblings between Christmas and New Year. I'd had to make a nuisance of myself to get the other adoptive mum to commit but we got there in the end. We'd arranged to meet at a popular shopping centre near to where the oldest (non adoptee) lives but our car wouldn't start so a few frantic phone calls later we met in the town next to us so we could get there by public transport. It wasn't until we were walking through town that I was told that birth mum was there doing her weekly shop (oldest brother lives with her) He was charged with taking the siblings off to a place he knew birth mum wouldn't go. They all thought it would be interesting if they did meet up but had great fun hiding in the park and then going to McDonalds. None of the other adoptees have met her since being removed so I'm sure they were slightly curious and perhaps would have liked to catch a glimpse of her.
As an aside and something which is puzzling me although it may just be nothing at all...... I texted adoptive mum to say thanks for the meet up and my daughter enjoyed it. She replied that she was glad our daughter enjoyed it and she thought the older non adoptees did too. But nothing about her children enjoying it. I would expect her to say it even if just to be polite?
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Post by sivier on Jan 14, 2015 10:50:08 GMT
Sounds a good outcome for your daughter homebird.
My DD has a birth sibling - I'd love her to meet up with full sibling, who is only a year older but they live with MGM and for various reasons we can't.
You could text the adoptive mum and ask if her children are ok (as meeting siblings can stir feelings up about the wider situation). But maybe best to leave it for now and let things settle a bit? It might be something to ask about next time you are arranging things - i.e. how were her kids after the visit and is there anything they'd like to do differently, etc?
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Post by homebird on Jan 14, 2015 13:09:34 GMT
Thanks sivier. I am glad that the other adopters are able to promote sibling contact considering that we are birth family and the oldest brother lives with birth mum. It was thier children who initiated Facebook contact so I think they felt it was better to go with it rather than have it going on behind their backs.
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 14, 2015 19:01:48 GMT
Sounds promising.
To be honest not sure I would say the children enjoyed it just to be polite. Maybe its still sinking in for her children. It's possible that they did enjoy it but she wants to wait and see. To say something definite would raise your, and DDs expectations for future visits. Equally if they didn't enjoy it, or are satisfied for now, she won't want to raise expectations.
As sivier says I would let things settle for a while. Did you take any photos, if so you could maybe get them printed and send with a card just to say hope you can do it again
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Post by homebird on Jan 15, 2015 13:37:30 GMT
It was our 4th meet up as they suggested it happens twice a year. The children are getting to an age when they can organise their own get togethers as apart from our daughter they will all be over 18 by the end of this year. A couple of photos were taken and put on Facebook. Since then one of the adoptees has "friended" my husband (his maternal uncle), our birth son, and another cousin, so he is branching out already. Their mum is also on Facebook so she can see what's happening.
Its a strange situation to be in. On the one hand the parents want their privacy which we totally respect. We know what town they live in but do not have their address although the brothers cooked up a home visit for the oldest brother without asking first. We are all friends on Facebook but do not publicly interact with each other. We have exchanged mobile phone numbers but we do not contact each other that way unless its really necessary (as when had to rearrange our venue at the last minute)
As I said, it won't be much longer before the kids can do it their way and we parents probably won't keep in touch as we have nothing in common apart from adopting children from the same sibling group.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2015 15:28:09 GMT
Sounds like adoptive mum is going along with it but isn't overly happy about it which is a shame since you have worked so hard at not being overly intrusive. Her insecurities I think.
As you said if older siblings are all around 18, then there isn't much adoptive mum can do about future contact so you think she would try and make the best of it even if it is begrudgingly.
Hope your DD enjoyed meeting with her brothers and sisters and that it is the start of many benefical meetings.
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Post by homebird on Jan 15, 2015 21:49:40 GMT
I agree with your thoughts on adoptive mum jmk. I have tried to reassure her that we will never knowingly compromise her family but I suppose there's always a risk. You can't really build up a relationship in one letter a year and although we have now met in person a few times I admit I don't look forward to going and am glad when we can leave the kids to it for a couple of hours before bringing them home.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2015 13:33:59 GMT
I can kind of see it from both sides Homebird, being both an adopter and adoptee and it is about trust, but sometimes that trust gets compromised like with my DD's adult siblings.
When they asked a few years ago if they could start LB with my girls I agreed as I wanted my girls to have the chance to get to know their siblings in a safe but somewhat controlled way. It worked well for a few years with them writing, sending presents, photo's etc and everyone was abiding by the rules and benefitting from this contact. But when the opportunity arose and the police posted YDD's picture, name, location on the internet when she went missing, all of that trust went out the window. The siblings contacted her directly through instagram as soon as they knew our surname and they have blown our world apart. Refusing to come in and have a meeting to discuss safe face to face contact and preferring to encourage YDD to go behind my back and contact/see them as and when they/she wants them to. This is one of the main reasons that YDD is now living in care as she has this other family and wants to be allowed to see them whenever she wants to and the siblings have pushed me completely out of the picture causing horrendous harm to my relationship with YDD who was only 12 when they made contact with her online and arranged to meet her behind my back.
So this is why I do understand your DD's adoptive mum's reluctance as she is probably fearful that her children will be talked into having secret meetings with BM or whoever.
Hindsight is wonderful, but if I had my time again I would say no to any contact other than LB (without photo's) until my children are 18 and legally allowed to do it themselves. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy which is why I started the "Trust no one" thread on the ASB to warn others.
You sound like a perfectly reasonable lady who wants what's best for your DD, but I do also understand your DD's sibling's adoptive mums reluctance and apprehension too.
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Post by homebird on Jan 16, 2015 14:12:49 GMT
Thanks jmk, I'm always ready to hear experiences from the other perspective - thats why I joined the forum. I understand the risks the other adoptive mum has to consider and I respect her for allowing face to face contact for the siblings. Her and her husband have told me that as their children will all be 18 this year and free to make their own arrangements they decided to go with the flow. Although my husband is birth mums brother we will never try to manipulate any of the children to go further than the contact arrangements their parents have set in place.
Again, thanks for reminding me how things can go bad. By the way, maybe just that I haven't explained things, its my daughters siblings adoptive mum I am talking about. I am my daughters adoptive mum :-)
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Post by ham on Jan 16, 2015 18:35:55 GMT
My children have other siblings in 2placements . My dd and her sister are in constant contact and meet up regularly.the boys mainly due to their issues wait for the adults to arrange meetings and just happen as and when .sometimes we all meet up as one family group. Then sometimes the mums meet up for adult time.one family is half an hour away and the other an hour and a half.
we only learnt of a much younger sibling a year ago and SW were asking for contact with all of us but seems once they realised the issues we all had seemed reluctant to put us in contact .SW were saying they did not want us to pass on problems we have experienced and we were not nice people . How can three family's who have only met because of adoption maintain contact and be friends for over 15 years not be ok people .
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Post by homebird on Jan 19, 2015 13:54:06 GMT
Thats very odd ham - how can a sw say you are not nice people? Why promote contact for some siblings but not another. What a strange world we live in!
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 19, 2015 17:16:22 GMT
Still highly inappropriate but maybe she meant that she had concerns about the children, rather than you being not nice ?
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