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Post by homebird on Nov 1, 2014 10:19:35 GMT
My daughters adopted sister was 18 years old last month and has decided she no longer wants letterbox. Although we have semi direct contact with the girls mother and brothers we do not have any contact with her apart from whatever she allows public on her Facebook profile (we are not FB friends) I say we have semi direct contact because everything is on their terms. Thier mother suggested we have 2 meet ups a year. So this year we've had one and when I asked when we could have the second she tells me they have been busy but might be able to sort out a date later. I know teenagers can be busy, my 13 year old daughter is busy, but she would forgo anything to meet up with them. The boys will be 18 next year and I expect they will also stop letterbox (they haven't replied to our letters for two years anyway). My sensible head knows that teenagers do not want to be writing letters and when they made FB contact 2 years ago I thought they'd build a relationship that way. But my heart is hurting. Why don't they want contact with their little sister? When I've gently brought the subject up with their mum she tells me they do but they are not good at replying to messages . Lately I've been thinking that I was wrong to talk about them throughout the years and to keep them alive for her. I know now that their mum did not. After 12 years of contact it is very very hard to let go  |
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Post by homebird on Nov 1, 2014 16:16:13 GMT
Thanks tokoloshe. Yes, it probably is the age they're at. I thought that having contact all these years would make a difference. I really wish they'd stuck to the letterbox agreement and not made Facebook contact and sometimes think that perhaps we should have kept it secret as the children wanted it that way, but I thought it best to tell their mum. Its hard for my daughter to see them active on there but not responding to her. We've talked about how we and they deal with contact and we accept that its different for them. Mind you, I think their mum could still have continued with letterbox just as I have. Its not hard to write a newsletter and enclose a few photos. Even though my daughter didn't want to write because of their lack of response, she was happy for me to do it and read my letter before I sent it off.
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Post by damson on Nov 1, 2014 17:03:32 GMT
I guess it's the age they are at, and she is so much younger than them.
My stepchildren used to be awful at staying in touch. All the running had to be done by parents.
But bit by bit, the tide turned, and in their late 20s and 30s, they get in touch spontaneously.
And sometimes they come visiting off their own bat.
I know that is a long time to wait, but the letters you have sent are not wasted, as they made your DD real to them.
That is what they will remember when they do meet up. The act of writing those letters makes her properly related to them, not just theoretically related, if you get my meaning. Facebook isn't a substitute for a proper letter, and it is very unsatisfactory to be an outsider looking in.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2014 9:24:13 GMT
Hugs Homebird, I do think it is a generational thing. Teens today are so instant and "in the moment" and Fakebook (as I call it) is the way they communicate. Letterwriting is pre historic to teens, they see it like homework and it is all too laborious to them, but the work you have done will not go amiss. Those letters and contents will be remembered and further down the line when the sibs become less self absorbed they will remember and will probably re connect with your DD when she is older. It is sad, but you know you did your bit and sadly you can't force them to be interested if they aren't, until they themselves are ready.
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Post by homebird on Nov 2, 2014 12:05:18 GMT
I wish they did keep up with each other on Facebook at least. My daughter knows there's nothing more we can do. Such a shame because they could have been so much closer to each other in these early years. When we first discussed contact the social workers were keen for us to have face to face from the start but the other adopters resisted and then in later years reduced our letterbox. They only took action when their children contacted ours through FB. I've often wondered if its because we are birth family although I've always made it clear that we would stick to their rules and not try to draw the rest of the birth family in.
We'll have to be patient and wait until they are ready but at least we know that everything we've done is on file so they'll know their little sister has always been in contact.
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Post by jollymummy on Nov 2, 2014 18:32:55 GMT
I also think it is an age thing. At their age, they are so egocentric and just respond to everything that is immediately around them.
I did this myself as a young adult. Losing contact with my younger sisters (who went to live with their mum over 200 miles away when she left our Dad) for several years because life was just too busy (looking back, more like I just couldn't be bothered with these young girls which required a long train ride.)
My children have an older sister who we maintained contact with but she dropped off around age 16 (FC since told us she had to force her to go to contact for the previous year). And I am seeing it now with one of my daughters, aged 16, (who lives in a TC) who loves her brother to bits, but given free choice would drop seeing him if a better offer came along (like going to cinema with her mates!)
It is hard for both you and your daughter, but I think if you leave the door open, they will eventually come back to you. I wonder if you could ask the adopters whether they could send a quick letter once a year just updating you about what they are doing ( a bit like one of those sheets that people send out at Xmas).
I also agree that it is important that there is a record that you have done this over the years.
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Post by homebird on Nov 3, 2014 8:57:11 GMT
When we had our first face to face contact last year their mum said she still wanted the annual contact letter so my daughter and I both wrote separate letters. We didn't get a reply and when I contacted the mum about it she said her daughter felt that as they had direct contact it was unnecessary. However, although the girl came to the first meet up she has cut all contact with her little sister and older brother since. I have asked mum to keep in touch to give me news of how the girl is getting on as she has quite a few adoption related emotional problems. When she first got her big sisters phone number she was constantly phoning in tears complaining that her mum would not talk about adoption with her and she was desperate to talk it through. Big sis had to ask her to stop these phone calls because she couldn't cope with them (she's on antidepressants herself). I wasn't sure whether to send this years letter so contacted a.mum who said she'd ask the kids but she didn't get back to me. Our letterbox coordinator told me to send it in and she would ask them if they wanted it. So, letter sent in June and finally requested in October after our meet up in July.
I don't think there's any point in asking the adopters to write, I've already sent a private message through Facebook asking for some photos with no response. I have mums mobile number but rarely use it as I feel I could be accused of being a nuisance which I fear could result in all contact being stopped.
Thanks for reading, it really helps to write it down. So frustrating to have contact which is mostly one way!
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