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Post by mudlark on Oct 23, 2014 21:23:02 GMT
For those of you struggling with school this may be of interest.
I have just sent this email to the SENCO as in a lightbulb moment today when I decided not to take Lapwing to school I realised going to school was harming her. Today when she spent the day with me she was a transformed girl. She asked me at the end of the day not to go to school anymore. But this has been a debate for us for weeks and weeks.. finally I believe that for lapwing to heal she has to be with me, to believe I love her..... so watch this space. FYI here's the email......feels like throwing a grenade!
Dear School
We would like to discuss on the 5th November taking Lapwing out of school completely for the rest of the academic year, to return in September 2015.
The reasons for this are that we need to spend the next 10 months working on her attachment to me and building her inner stability and confidence.
Over the summer holidays Lapwing made great progress in these areas but since school started we have seen a dramatic deterioration in both her mental and emotional health as well as her behaviour towards her brother.
This is no way a reflection of school but is just the consequence of her traumatic past and her inability to deal with separation and multiple relationships.
We would be home schooling following the syllabus closely and will remain in close contact with the school. I have now resigned from my employment in order to help Lapwing through the next few difficult years.
The school have been amazing in supporting us but at the moment Lapwing's own mental wellbeing has to be our priority.
look forward to seeing you after half term.
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Post by leo on Oct 23, 2014 21:36:51 GMT
I'm considering a very similar option! If I had been able to keep them at home with me for longer initially, I definitely would have done. We had six months together before school but social services insisted they went to school.
The time we have had off school lately has been transformative; I have different children.
My only word of caution would be that the school will be unable to keep your places open for you and you will have to re-apply if you make the decision to send them back. They will then have priority over anyone else on the waiting list but you could be at the mercy of waiting for someone to move away from the school if it is already full when you want to return.
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Post by wibbley on Oct 23, 2014 22:11:46 GMT
Good for you.HE works wel here. My only word of warning is that many start HE as a temporary measure but then don't look back  |
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Post by larsti on Oct 24, 2014 1:49:05 GMT
What wibbley said!
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 24, 2014 6:39:22 GMT
I think it's a great idea! Just make sure that you get plenty of 'me' time, to balance things. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 6:48:40 GMT
Just wondering how Peewit will feel about Lapwing staying at home with Mum?
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Post by corkwing on Oct 24, 2014 7:07:45 GMT
I REALLY admire your courage in making that decision and the brilliant email that you've sent. Attachment Deleted |
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Post by flutterby on Oct 24, 2014 8:04:26 GMT
Wow, good luck and hope this will really benefit you and both children. xx
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Post by toomuchlaundry on Oct 24, 2014 8:36:21 GMT
yay! Go you! Great decision and great email, well done for keeping it short and to the point. Go that mummy! All the best for Lapwing.
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Post by sockthing on Oct 24, 2014 9:57:08 GMT
Yes, I second corking, and everyone. What a courageous person you are and one superstar mummy.
It sounds as though you know just what Lapwing needs and your email is so brilliantly worded. Tactful but strong and true.
Wishing you all strength and the very best.
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Post by topcat on Oct 24, 2014 12:25:07 GMT
Congratulations Mudlark - so good to know yourself and your kids so well that you can stand up for them against establishment norms, best of luck.
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Post by ceci on Oct 24, 2014 12:41:13 GMT
Well done. It's something I've always thought about but never been brave enough to do. It is amazing how different they are when school isn't there to deal with.
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Post by mudlark on Oct 24, 2014 13:51:36 GMT
Oh No! Our social worker says we cant do it. The AO is not through yet and we have to get permission from the LA. She also thinks we should consider Steiner school. Why.... I ask it may have a different ethos but fundamentally it's still a school.
I am really cross, I cant believe our social worker is being so negative about the idea.
I need to speak to the LA to get their view, although they know full well how traumatised these children are as a lot of it was their fault!
Fuming, Mudlark!
p.s how great though that people here understand and welcome this chnage
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Post by corkwing on Oct 24, 2014 14:04:21 GMT
 Dozy lot!
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Post by poohbear on Oct 24, 2014 15:53:45 GMT
Oh no, that was sounding so positive!
That bit between the children coming home and you getting the adoption order can be so infuriating. You are parenting your children, doing what is best for them, you know what that is, and yet you aren't at liberty to make that decision!
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Post by esty (archive) on Oct 24, 2014 18:46:31 GMT
How long to AO?
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Post by peartree on Oct 24, 2014 19:16:39 GMT
My thoughts exactly esty! When can you apply for that AO
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 24, 2014 19:39:10 GMT
Blummin ridiculous! Yes, how long for the AO? Can you ask for a meeting with the SW, your SW and the your children's guardian? Before hand, getting enough hard copy evidence?
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Post by mudlark on Oct 24, 2014 20:09:58 GMT
We are in process of sending off the AO papers...LA dragging their feet on bits and pieces, but should have it sent by end of half term hols.
Our SW has always been anti home schooling, I wanted it from the outset but was argued down by everyone. One year on it seems still the best and only option for Lapwing.
SW objections are what about Peewit, which is a valid point but at the moment it is Lapwings mental health that is hanging in the balance. I can only deal with one child at a time and at the moment Lapwing has to be the priority. I would leave Peewit in school , for the moment, while we deal with what to me is a crisis in terms of Lapwings state of mind. I have not forgotten Peewit just know that taking them both out of school at the same time would probably not work right now.
She is pushing Steiner school as better option and to move both there. I have to admit I am not a fan of Steiner education and I really don't think its an answer for these two children.
I said it felt like throwing a grenade sending that email, and so far it has been an explosion of negative emails from the social workers, the school interestingly have not answered a peep!
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Post by wibbley on Oct 24, 2014 22:10:01 GMT
How very frustrating for you. As if the decision to HE isn't hard enough anyway.
My DDs attachmnent since HE has blossomed. It's what she needed - time. Time to spend with me that she missed.
We did have uproar over our decision to HE, but 2 yrs later it's all blown over. We were post AO though, so object as they did, there was nothing SS could do to stop us.
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Post by moo on Oct 25, 2014 6:22:20 GMT
I'd say still go for it.... Once the papers applying for the ao are in SS can't really cause any real problems....
Send the papers in yourself ( it's what I did ) The courts will send them back for SS to fill their bit in... If I had waited for SS to fill their bits in it would have been months of delays.... If the court sends the papers back for SS to fill in their section they have a court imposed time limit to comply!? 
Sooo well thought out to HE lapwing.... Deffo in her best interest...., many hugs xxx stay strong dealing with idi0t s/w xxx
Please Keep Us Posted xxx
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 9:13:10 GMT
Yes send the papers in and get your AO ASAP, that way you can make your own decisions on what is best for your child, not the SW, who let's face it, you won't see for dust once the AO goes through.
You are Lapwings mother, you are the one who knows her best and you are the one who is living with her, not the SW.
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Post by daffin on Oct 25, 2014 9:39:16 GMT
Oh Mudlark,
This is nonsense!
Have you got firm (and highly specified) commitments in writing from LA re meeting your kids current and potential future needs. We trusted ours and let them get away with vague promises in the care plan (not sure of legal name?), so now they can wriggle.
Work out what you need as a family. AA? Funding for special education? (It's all very well recommending Steiner, but you have to pay) Respite? (Monthly weekends off plus specially trained babysitters -at specified intervals - so you can go out with DH once their attachments are better). A comprehensive package of support from Family Futures or someone else of similar quality - don't get fobbed if with NHS and LEA provision. It's not good enough and not linked up.
I wish we'd held off for all this, but we just didn't know then what we know now - MBs long term problems, poor local provision, SWs wriggling out of commitments etc.
I know thus would delay getting your AO, and at the moment that feels really urgent but I would strongly strongly advise caution and time so you can get all the commitments you need in writing.
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Post by leo on Oct 25, 2014 20:20:53 GMT
Oh Mudlark, we faced exactly the same and for three years I had to send Hurricane and Tsunami to school when I knew it wasn't in their best interests. Complete madness.
I did manage though to get SS to agree to part-time schooling so we have always had at least one afternoon a week off (and more during tricky times). Maybe they will allow you to compromise? Or you try taking Lapwing to the doctor and getting her signed off from school for a while for stress/mental health reasons?
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Post by mudlark on Oct 26, 2014 10:12:05 GMT
It's a mess isn't it.
Toko our Therapist supports home schooling option but she prefers Steiner option as she believes that both could go there and have a better quality if education. I disagree as its not school in itself that is the problem it is that she isn't with me. We don't have to pay for Steiner school here, it's new and an academy. And I just don't believe that Steiner education will make much difference to Lapwing.
I think they would agree to cut the hours ( she currently does 4 days) I may have to accept this even though I know each time I leave her at school it damages and confuses her attachment.
Daffin I agree with you that post AO we will be hard pressed to change or get additional support. I am told by our social worker we are lucky to have the support we do.
A years worth of theraplay with trained therapist
Agreement for a sensory OT to make an assessment of Lapwing ( this has not happened yet)
One off payment of 2k for one year as compensation for me giving up work.
All this is great but doesn't amount to a whole hill of beans if Lapwing going to school negates the good work of the therapy.
Our SW wants us to wait until Sensory OT has made her assessment, well I can see the logic in that but when I see Lapwing getting more and more anxious and unhappy I don't feel like waiting.
Leo maybe going to GP is a good option in the short term.
I know home educating will bring it's own challenges but feel I owe it to Lapwing to at least try.
Thanks again for support, sometimes I feel that no one other than Mr M and people here understand what I am talking about. Dare I say it but even the therapist great though she is , is not LIVING it!
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Post by shadow on Oct 26, 2014 16:40:23 GMT
what have you against the steiner education? I tried it for shadette and it didn't work but that was due to her inability to cope with the other kids - the education itself was brilliant - lots of routines, rhythms, kinetic learning and simple natural materials
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Post by mudlark on Oct 26, 2014 20:17:21 GMT
Shadow I have nothing against Steiner schools, I know they work for some children. I am cross that Steiner is being pushed at us as a kind of cure all. To me it would be swapping one school for another, maybe a more empathetic school, but the teachers will still not have been trained in trauma and attachment disorders.
The fact that the SW have put Steiner school into the mix shows that they have missed the point, it is not about going to a better school it is about not going to school at all and being at home with me, learning/feeling that I love her.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2014 8:14:38 GMT
I don't know a lot about Steiner schools, but the fact that they are proposing it in the first place surely shows that they do get that she needs a different kind of schooling and maybe if you looked into it a bit more it might be an option? You won't really know unless you try and it does sound as if they would be more clued up than your average school on attachment issues.
Could she not go there after Christmas and give it a try and see if things improve? If not then after AO goes through you can HE if Steiner hasn't worked out?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2014 8:42:35 GMT
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Post by mudlark on Oct 30, 2014 10:14:52 GMT
I have sent an email outlining how I propose to give Peewit enough time with me, also that I will have some time for myself. Had another session with the therapist who is now supporting home Ed in terms of giving best chance to Lapwing re her attachment disorder.
I am awaiting the LA to get back to me with their view. But I am at the moment holding out for home educating Lapwing for a year. I know it will have a hugely positive effect on her, don't ask me how I know, I just do. Lapwing such a fragile little thing pretending she doesn't care, doesn't need, doesn't hurt, doesn't want. I just want her to feel she can collapse as she clearly needs to and know I will be there for her
Peewit not far from my thoughts but at the moment it is his sister who urgently needs some really focused help.
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