elm
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 24 
|
Post by elm on Sept 25, 2013 21:49:23 GMT
I am thinking of renewing my membership to access Adoption UK helpline and probably will. But it is so expensive and I am a single adopter with little spare cash. I have contacted a solicitor asking how much it will cost to find out what I need to do to find out next possible steps. If I need to find the cash I will. Do I need to?
After a long period of calm all went horribly wrong on Monday with things being smashed and me being hurt. My AS is massively remorseful but I know we have been here before and will be here again. The police have been involved and we are in a period of calm after the storm. I need to know what my options are.....we can not continue as we are. It is only a matter of time before either he or I get seriously hurt. After a very shaky few days I am now quite calm and clear headed but am at a loss on where to find options. He cannot continue to live with me...but what next? And where do I start.....
Any wise words would be hugely appreciated.....
|
|
|
|
Post by leo on Sept 25, 2013 21:54:58 GMT
Sorry, I wish I had wise words. Only kind ones. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you and hoping wiser people than me read this soon and give some advice and support.
Leo
|
|
elm
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 24
|
Post by elm on Sept 26, 2013 6:32:08 GMT
He is 12....
|
|
|
|
Post by oysterbabe on Sept 26, 2013 6:57:00 GMT
Elm, first of all, I hope you are both ok. Our house was a war zone for many years so I know what it's like. It's good that he shows remorse, my son never could manage that. Can I ask if post adoption are involved as of course this would be free for you to access support. They could do an assessment of your family's needs at least. No crystal ball to say what would be available as they all vary.
Are school involved at all, or is he exclusive in that the anger comes out at home?
|
|
|
|
Post by littlemisscheerful on Sept 26, 2013 7:00:32 GMT
Is it targeted at you only? My ED was aggressive/violent towards me. We had talked about age 10 being the age of criminal responsibility but she honestly thought I'd do nothing about it. I was concerned that it would become an engrained response for her, which would only get worse. I called the Community Police and they came to talk to both my dds. He had a DD with ASD who was not in a very good place, and so talked to them about some of the choices they had made as parents (she was also violent at home). His talk was not what I would've said, but maybe some hard hitting words rather than me pussy footing about was needed. Anyway, he scared the wotsits out of my girls (ED was nearly 12 at that point).
I think for us, the combination of me calling the police (how she sees it, though it was a planned meeting so done when she was calm) and his words have had a big effect. I could count on 1 hand the number of times she's hit me in the last year, and they are no way of the same intensity.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2013 7:30:33 GMT
Sorry to hear about what you are going through Elm. I think you can ring Auk for advice anytime, I don't think you have to be a paid up member to get help from their helpline and at least they could advise you on who to contact. Also the police do have liaisons who specialise in dealing with troubled teens, I spoke to ours only yesterday and found him to be very helpful. Teens are a very tricky time for out children, you are not alone in this. Please keep on posting.
|
|
|
|
Post by shadow on Sept 26, 2013 8:00:02 GMT
do you get any support from professionals/therapy/post adoption support? or are you completely on your own
it doesn't sound safe - for either of you - and he will only get bigger and stronger
adolescence is a hell of a time with our kids - if you are not having any support you need some - will the police report the incident to social services? here they do and to the children's reporter and things are followed up
hope things are calmer and safe for you both
|
|
|
|
Post by pluto on Sept 26, 2013 9:00:30 GMT
If I was in your situation I would first look or there is a boarding school he could go to, before worrying about fees. Than talk to the school and see what the possibilities are when it comes to financing, and to be sure they would be able to take my child. I personal would want to try to prevent ss involvement unless absolutely necessary.
|
|
elm
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 24
|
Post by elm on Sept 26, 2013 9:08:21 GMT
He attends a special needs weekly residential school who specialise in behavioural difficulties - the police came to school and gave him a hard hitting talk and assured him next time he would be charged. And he will be. The police will be visiting over the weekend to let him know they are on the case. But it will happen again. He sees red mist and loses the plot.
|
|
|
|
Post by shadow on Sept 26, 2013 9:09:50 GMT
can the school help you look at options?
|
|
|
|
Post by annie70 on Sept 26, 2013 9:51:09 GMT
no words of wisdom Elm but I do think you can ring the AUK line without being a member and see what they say... and as shadow says, if the school are specialists at dealing with behavioural issues they may be able to advise you as well... hope today goes better Ax
|
|
|
|
Post by pluto on Sept 26, 2013 11:26:42 GMT
That is a very difficult situation, why if the school is specialised in special needs do they call the police? Is that their policy?
He needs obviously more support at the moment, does he already have a 1:1 staff member with him all the time?
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Sept 26, 2013 11:35:42 GMT
{{{{Elm}}}}
Sorry no better words of wisdom... The advice has been good....
Try & take care of you.
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by jellies on Sept 26, 2013 13:11:43 GMT
Hi Elm
So sorry to hear about all this. I have been there - Is ds yr 7 or 8 - if yr 7 and only just gone to this school I suspect that the fall out is almost entirely due to that. If yr 8 - was he residential last year or is this something new ?
If PASW is not involved - Phone them this afternoon - they need to be and if they are already - you need to phone them this afternoon to convene a `team around the child` type meeting asap.
Hopefully CAMHS are also involved; they need to be at the TAC meeting too.
School - is it a termly residential or only weekly boarding ? If termly - that would be the way to go - If weekly , then I think a very timely multidisciplinary team meeting to incorporate an early annual review of statement is the way to go.
This should be looking at termly boarding and or therapeutic community I would have thought.
You should ring AUK - but other than some advice that you may have already got from here - they can do/offer little else for you in terms of support if you are not a member. If your LA have a contract with them they may be able to offer a little more (buddying etc) but IMHO, you need very direct support and now before things get beyond good practical support.
Please you found your way here - can't recall seeing you on the AUK boards over the last few years (if you are the same Elm that is).
Jellies
|
|
elm
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 24
|
Post by elm on Sept 26, 2013 15:58:15 GMT
Thank you everyone!
Jellies, really useful - thanks for your time.
He has been at the weekly school for two years now.........huge improvements during the first 18 months but has been in decline since. He is in self destruction mode. He is adamant he is going to end up in prison so what's the point....
School have called a meeting next week and get that his violence is out of control and he is fearless at the moment and very unpredictable.
Having read your post I've left a message with PAS.
I have been part of Adoption UK - posted in the early dark days of placement 6 years ago and on and off since.
|
|
|
|
Post by shadow on Sept 26, 2013 16:16:42 GMT
are the school struggling as well?
|
|
|
|
Post by jellies on Sept 26, 2013 16:16:48 GMT
Elm I have sent you a private message.
|
|
|
|
Post by littlemisscheerful on Sept 26, 2013 17:17:47 GMT
Sorry that things are so tough. Hope school are supportive/helpful.
|
|
|
|
Post by phoebe on Sept 26, 2013 20:40:04 GMT
Elm,
So sad to hear things are very tough for you just now. As others have already advised, it is time to call in the cavalry. Whilst others may see it as negative, I think you have to have SS support now. You need to think about a section 20 order to give your child LAC status and to guarantee you some support. If school don't normally offer weekends, can they be bought in as an extra service? The school may not be volunteering, but they probably can offer weekends at additional cost to your LA.
If it's no longer safe or indeed healthy for your DS to be with you, it's time for a FC placement until things settle down. This may be short or longer term, but it has to be done for you to both be safe.
Your role may change now from hands on mum to advocate, but you are still doing what you always do - what's best for your son.
Remember that you will have to be very firm in meetings and you must be very clear this situation is untenable, but sweeten that with the fact you want to work towards him coming home again in future. Don't feel guilty - you've already saved the state a cool quarter of a million at least!
Phoebe x
|
|
|
|
Post by nancydanfan on Sept 27, 2013 6:52:18 GMT
I have been thinking a section 20 might be the way forward for you. If you do go down that route make sure all your correspondence with SS is backed up with a paper trail. If you go into meetings distribute in written form what you want for your son, any information you are passing on about your son. Insist that SWs hear your side of the story.If possible make sure you have someone with you calm and objective at meetings to take minutes on your behalf. When you send emails to SWs get read receipts and send to SW and their superior and IRO.
If your son is unpredictable at the moment prepare for fall out.He might interpret a section 20 as rejection and paint you as the mother from hell. At this stage the SWs may take the "we will believe everything that comes out of the child's mouth" stance which is why you need to protect yourself.When our dd became a section 20 the SW "did not have time to listen to us" (her words).
Hopefully at this younger age it will shake your son up as to there is a limit as to what is OK behaviour and SS will cough up and get him and you some support to try and improve the situation.
Take care, I feel for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by jollymummy on Oct 7, 2013 8:12:34 GMT
We had to put our daughter under section 20 because of her escalating behaviour - and it has been a really positive thing for us, in that the funding that PAS said wasn't available for specialist therapy (rather than CAMHS) is suddenly there! (However, at the moment a suitable placement isnt - another story).But our daughter has reacted quite badly to it, making comments about how we have dumped her, etc. Our message to her is consistent and reinforced by the SW - "We love you, you are part of this family, we want you to come home but we cannot keep you safe. And you being safe is the most important thing".
Take care
JM xx
|
|
enid
Bronze Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 75
|
Post by enid on Oct 7, 2013 10:14:07 GMT
Hi, at 12 mine was the same, police night after night, no school could cope, even special, I managed to get him respite but he was excluded due to violence.
He is now 18, and the years 12 to 16, were quite frankly a living hell, BUT what got us through was referral to CAHMS, he still goes every 2 weeks, and through them medication.
We are just now starting to reduce meds, and feeling very nervous, but the weight gain is awful and his behaviour if fine at the moment.
Not much help I know but you are soooooooo not alone.
And my sons special school did call the police at times.
|
|
