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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2014 16:13:56 GMT
I think I just need to write this knowing that there will people who understand what I am saying! I feel so deflated, after a really good summer holiday with Lapwing and Peewit, we are back at school and things have degenerated. Peewit is starting in reception class half days, and he since he stared he is so angry when he is at home, I mean raging fury, punching hitting scowling shouting. He knows he is angry and we have talked about punching his pillow ( not his sister) or asking me to hold up paper that he can punch through and screw up. But it is so sad. All the progress I felt we had made over the summer seems to have evaporated.
Lapwing is all over the place, she had been doing so well over the hols, and now is confused and chaotic as she starts in year one. The teachers all saying , they are doing brilliantly, well they are at school, masking their anxiety until they get home.
I wonder why I actually am sending them to school, I see no benefit at the moment at all. |
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Post by milly on Sept 18, 2014 17:44:17 GMT
Sorry to hear it is so hard. We don't have this problem - just a few nerves at the beginning of term. Must be heartbreaking. Perhaps to early to call though?
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Post by corkwing on Sept 18, 2014 17:47:09 GMT
It's heartbreaking, isn't it? Sending you big hugs.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2014 18:34:30 GMT
Thanks, I honestly feel like school is doing more harm than good.
Have LAC review next week...will have to listen to teachers saying there's no problem its all normal........sigh......
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Post by daffin on Sept 18, 2014 20:53:15 GMT
Hi Mudlark
Monkey Boy started Reception this term - also half days.
He's also 'settling in brilliantly' and 'doing fine'.
Every day when we collect him we are told he's 'had a great day'. His stickers for good behaviour are pointed out.
We feel that the teacher and TA are looking at us strangely (could be us being paranoid, but.....) as we had a meeting with them before he started to tell them about his early trauma, triggers, common behaviour, ways to support him etc. we imagine they're now saying to themselves 'what do those people DO to that lovely boy when he's at home, that his behaviour there is so messed up!', that or 'those people haven't a clue how to raise their kid. He's no problem at all!'
At home we're in lock down mode as he's so exhausted we can't do very much with him at all. He's flips out of control at the slightest thing and is even more highly controlling and defiant than usual. He hit me hard in the face on Sunday and hit me several times today - why? I wouldn't let him Hoover the sitting room on his own and he couldn't cope with being asked to wait for me. We had 'the chat' about him having big feelings and I told him I understood that he felt worried if I was in charge and how he wanted to be in charge..... He calmed down and we watched Ceebebies together, housework abandoned. It's very tiring.
I got the useful suggestion from my sister that he 'played up' at home but behaved perfectly at school because we don't have sufficient boundaries at home. Yes. That must be it! Grrrrrr.
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Post by sooz on Sept 18, 2014 21:04:18 GMT
I used to really look forward to the school holidays as I had 'happy, relaxed child' instead of 'grumpy, oppositional, angry child'........if it's of any help, it's got much better here now ds is older.
Xx
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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2014 21:06:32 GMT
yep daffin..I get that exact feeling from the teachers...as if its all my fault and all the issues are at home and it makes me feel angry and isolated that they ( the teachers) cant understand.
Yep I also resorted to ceebebies today as Lapwing was pretending to be a baby ( but from the exoricist) and Peewit was like an angry toddler on a sugar high. They are just so angry so anxious so stressed and so exhausted. ( as am I!)
sisters are wonderful but their insights sometimes make it worse.
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Post by daffin on Sept 18, 2014 21:15:09 GMT
Love the baby from the exorcist idea. Spot on!
Yes, I don't normally have Monkey Boy watch TV at all but I've found it's a really useful way for him to have some quiet down time at the moment. I sit next to him and we have a snuggle.
I've spent the evening re-reading the report we've just had done by Family Futures on MB - based on a Comprehensive Assessment. They have identified a wide range of issues. In some ways it's really sobering in others it's so heartening that respected specialists 'get it'. I feel validated. We've drafted a 5 page summary from the school and I'm finding out if a child trauma specialist can provide the school with training. If they look strangely at me after that then it's really their problem!
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Post by leo on Sept 18, 2014 21:21:31 GMT
Oh I can so identify with this thread. The boys have never found school easy but this term is in a different league.
Seriously considering home schooling -but they have a significant trauma bond and I am single so not sure how we'd cope.
Have been weighing up all evening whether to phone in tomorrow saying they are ill.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2014 21:26:37 GMT
Ceebeebies is fantastic downtime for Peewit, he likes to shut off and shut down and it gives him break, me a break and allows Lawping to wander around being 'herself'....which needs quite a big psychological space!
I agree it is so affirming when specialists get it...and you feel for a moment that you are not alone..
I am at the beginning of this journey through the educational system...so far I can see how it works for 'normal non traumatised children' but....not convinced it's right for children who have been so damaged...just not sure of the alternative.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2014 21:27:46 GMT
just have to reply quickly to leo...was thinking the same thing ..should I phone in saying they are ill....as in many ways they are.
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Post by leo on Sept 18, 2014 21:31:37 GMT
That's what I'm thinking of doing. It's been a hideous week and I think we are just all too exhausted to face another morning (and after school) of stress and trauma.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 18, 2014 21:35:46 GMT
I so agree....its been a nightmare week, and I don't think I have ever felt so kind of down about it all.
I even now regret having arranged things with my family for the weekend as not sure anyone can cope.
theraplay tomorrow morning before school with lapwing....oh joy!
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Post by leo on Sept 18, 2014 21:42:07 GMT
I'm thinking that we might just manage to unwind over the weekend if we have a headstart on it.
Fed up with seeing my children re traumatised by teachers who don't want to listen to the numerous professionals involved. Apparently hurricane and tsunami are normal children and the teacher - who has known them all of 10 days - can't see any sign of anxiety. All sorted then !
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Post by mudlark on Sept 19, 2014 20:55:55 GMT
They currently only do 4 days a week so that each get a day on their own with me. It is crazy that here in the UK we send our LO's to school so young, and in retrospect I wish I hadn't sent either of them, but at the time pressure from everyone persuaded me to enrol them. I am going to leave it until half term to see how it goes.
Lapwing keeps telling me she loves school and why cant she go everyday! But she does not love it, but I don't want her to hate/blame/resent me for keeping her away from her 'freinds'...it is tough to know what to do. Lapwing can be very like a tweenager e.g. 'you're ruining my life by keeping me at home etc etc'
She does not have friends she has superficial relationships with little girls who in a few weeks will themselves become suffocated my her neediness and will not want to play with her. Much as she wont want to hear it she needs to be with me learning that a mummy is a safe person that she can allow herself to love and finally accept her new relationship with me and that I am not going to abandon her. As for Peewit...he's 4 for heavens sake, its ridiculous that he is at school.
Toko I read in another of your posts about Shrimp being bullied, what a horrible thing for her and you to go through.
School sadly I can see being a problem for years and years ahead!
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Post by leo on Sept 20, 2014 7:13:14 GMT
Once again I know just what you mean. Tsunami also 'loves' school -but can't actually cope with it. Mine also only do four days a week.
To my regret, I allowed myself to be persuaded to let them go to school yestetday. Tsunami was desperate to go because he had been told he could finish his art work and it would then goup on the display which is being put up on Monday. Did he get the chance to finish it ? Did he heck. Did they take any notice of him complaining of a tummy ache and having a nose bleed - both known stress reactions? Did they heck! Did they notice his continued stress reaction of extreme sweating? Did they heck. He looked like he'd just been under the shower when I picked him up!
Why are there no therapeutic schools in my huge LA? Why do teachers who have just met my children think they know better than the many professionals involved? Why have the LSAs who have moved up with my children suddenly lost their ability to cater for their needs (influence of new class teacher I think).
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Post by nzhb on Sept 20, 2014 23:19:55 GMT
We have just received notification from our assistant head & the SENCO that they are looking at attachment training for their staff - hooray - after all our efforts to get the school to understand our child, & now with the back up of our social worker, we may be getting somewhere!
But our daughter & us have paid many prices along the way........
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Post by daffin on Sept 21, 2014 8:38:53 GMT
We've got MB going for just 3 hours a day at the moment.
We're just about to experiment with him staying for lunch for a couple of days a week. We'll pick him up after lunch.
To be honest this is mostly because we're aware that we need to try to increase his hours before DH goes back to work in a couple of weeks. MB dysregulates when on his own with me - particularly with Mouse around too. And I just can't cope with his extreme behaviour day in day out on my own. So....not ideal, really.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 21, 2014 9:00:09 GMT
feel free to hijack....it's depressing that we all have similar experiences with our LO's and school but sort of comforting to know you are not alone in this constant 'fight' with school to get them to understand.
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Post by damson on Sept 22, 2014 15:47:51 GMT
I was foolhardy because I didn't know any better. My two were 5 and nearly 7 when they came home.
They went straight into full time school because they 'loved school'.
DS had a mega meltdown every single day after school. I never looked forward to collecting him as he was so nasty.
And that school really was trying very hard indeed.
My kids were not the only ones in need of nurture, and the whole school ran on a very gentle model.
We had occasional sick days when one or other child reached the point of total exhaustion. I had to con the child, never mind the school.
The start of the year was always horrendous, as lots of standard expectations were aired.
Our post adoption team sent a social worker in, and she talked with me to DS' classroom teacher, and also to the staff at lunchtime in a training session. It improved matters a lot.
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Post by mudlark on Sept 22, 2014 21:12:46 GMT
hi damson, did you ever think about taking them out of school, how much do you think school was part of the problem...? Cos it seems to me that school is a massive part of the problem...but you are 11 years ahead of me with your children and may have a different perspective on it?
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