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Post by larsti on Sept 17, 2014 15:30:52 GMT
Sorry I know I have been 'thinking aloud' on the boards on a lot of topics lately. It does help though, so thank you friends.
Sometimes when I fantasise about the perfect school for Dash (the school that doesn't exist!) I wonder if we would move house to enable that to happen, but I don't give it a lot of thought. We wouldn't move from this area (unless for some other reason which I cannot imagine) but sometimes I think if we were the other side of our nearest town we could access schools in another county, say. We are near the borders of several counties. I wouldn't want to move from this LA though.
BUT then I had a thought. We are NOT moving. It would not be good for any of us especially Dash but also Violet.
So my new idea is to just draw a circle round our house of reasonable travelling distance and see which schools are within the circle. No schools, home ed continues with my efforts going into securing other sorts of support. Perhaps I could argue that home ed is what Dash really needs but realistically we can't keep going indefinitely so we need a tutor or a 'buddy' to take him places like a horticultural therapy project of swimming or whatever. After all SWs and matching panel approved our suggestion of home ed in the first place. I think that scenario might be rather miraculous, though I do believe in miracles  That, and ADHD meds might make all the difference.
Now for a couple of questions
How far is reasonable travelling? I think I read somewhere 45 minutes in one direction. But people do travel further don't they and if a school is approved and funded by LA, they would provide transport, yes?
The other question is about BESD schools. We were advised, as I said in another post, that Dash would be better in a school for learning difficulties not a BESD school and I would agree except that I worry that they wouldn't cope with him. He may be one of those children who behaves very well at school and kicks off at home but after 2 days in a specialist school being assessed, I was surprised that in that short time he told a member of staff that he hated her and pressed something into her arm (a ruler if memory serves) That does not bode well. They said that was his way of letting them know the task was too difficult 
On the one hand I think he could pick up some stuff from other children. He is not at all 'streetwise' (he doesn't know any swear words yet for example although I think swearing would be the least of our worries) but on the other hand he needs to be somewhere where emotional and behavioural stuff is on the curriculum (anger management for example) and staff are trained for it and trained in restraint and that sort of stuff. It also needs to be a day school that also takes boarders I think.
I found one that said 'severe BESD' and I thought 'Dash does not have 'severe' difficulties. He is so lovely and smiley and popular and affectionate and like a much younger child. Hang on 'like a much younger child' I think his emotional difficulties are severe then?
And when he tells someone we meet (that I know and he last met years ago and doesn't remember, so in effect a total stranger) that he is going to get a lorry and his men and chop all the trees down in the woods etc etc I think he just might have severe social difficulties? This child is 10 next birthday. My friend who teaches him sometimes asks him 'is this Dash world or the real world?' as some of his stories sound real. Confabulation. Classic FASD trait apparently. Stealing ,Lying a few 'fire setting' incidents. It is so common for him to say he hates you or wants to kill you its like background noise.
So from what I've told you all over the past year and before that on the old boards. Has he 'severe' behavioural difficulties? I think we head off a lot of stuff and without realising it, we diffuse a lot of potential behaviours. Its not that uncommon for him to spit. Roaring in oyur face or right in your ear is another thing. I have had things thrown, could have been hit with a piece of wood the other day (I just said put that down several times in a firm voice and he did) I rarely feel fear I have to say but have been in some tricky situations at times. DH has been bitten quite badly but DH will hold Dash firmly at times and that's when he has been bitten I don't, but I have been bitten too, though not recently.
What would he be like if he had just gone to the local primary school? Soon after he would have had to change to a special school but what would his behaviour have been like?? Who knows? Would he have been in the school of our dreams by now?
To me 'severe' is totally out of control, violent, dangerous behaviour, where you would have to call the police for your own safety. We don't have that. What counts as 'severe'??
Sorry just rambling now 
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Post by fruitcake on Sept 17, 2014 15:57:10 GMT
All I can say is that my son, who was in his later teens described as "very dangerous" by professionals, was not as challenging as you describe Dash at the age of 10. He was different though: bright and very devious.
I would say that your description of Dash's behaviour is of a little boy whose problems are quite severe. And he will grow bigger and stronger.
What I realise in retrospect is that home education can really mask serious difficulties. We can moderate demands, provide absolutely spot on appropriate one to one teaching, give loads of scaffolding and support - far more than even the best school possibly could. Also, like frogs put in cold water and brought gradually to boiling point, we get so used to the challenges that we end up tolerating what to most people would feel intolerable. Our shoulders grow so very broad and the breaking point creeps up on us. I say this as a very convicted home educator: for children whose problems are less severe it can be the making of them, allowing them to mature at their own pace with appropriate levels of demand that maximise the possibility of successful outcomes. By home educating my son though, I did not perceive the depth of his difficulties until very late and was not able to access special needs support.
Dash will definitely learn to swear at special school and may learn other undesirable behaviours. These schools vary from the excellent to the truly abysmal so need careful assessment.
If I could have my time over again with my son (oh how I wish) I would, if possible, continue home education but with lots of input and professional support around us. Some sort of flexischooling would be good, so that he had some experience in a "normal" classroom environment and professionals could assess how severe his challenges were. We needed far more support than we had. Failing that, or if he became too challenging, I would access something like the PRU that Donatella's son goes to which seems to me, from her posts, to be able to meet his special needs without sacrificing a quality education.
It is so hard, Larsti, and I really hope you find the right setting for your son. |
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Post by larsti on Sept 17, 2014 16:20:12 GMT
Thank you my friend Fruitcake. Wise words.
A lot to think about. I think things are coming to a head (not in terms of a crisis but decision time) recent partial FASD and ADHD diagnosis must be part of that.
Love Larsti x |
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Post by larsti on Sept 17, 2014 16:54:14 GMT
I do think there is an element of 'denial' with me Toko
He had CAHMS in FC for 'silly and dangerous behaviour' Bearing in mind he was 4 1/2 when he came to us that was young.
As I have said before though, it was a SW who got hurt by 'backwards head but' and he tried to push her downstairs....if FCS had complained maybe he wouldn't have been referred to CAHMS. We didn't feel that we needed CAHMS input when he was placed, but we did have a letter saying feel free to contact us or some such. I have no confidence in CAHMS though.
I have a sinking feeling now.
I would be very happy for any volunteers to PM me every so often and ask how it is going because I feel I may let things slide again. There's always so much going on here to take up my time an d energy. But DH and I need to get on to this ASAP.
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Post by peartree on Sept 17, 2014 17:50:01 GMT
The other thing to do Larsti is to go, make an appointment at the schools
See the "sorts" of children in there, see if you can imagine dash in there with them
Could they meet his needs?
Would he seem to be roughly one of them?
We were amazed having been told for many years our blossoms needs were pretty mild in the scheme of things and we were making a big fuss, that the yp we met in therapeutic community were other blossoms! In fact some milder... Lots. So many reflected the multitude of needs we see on the message boards.
We really wanted a homely environment for blossom and not too institutionalised
But really the key was could they manage to contain a blossom
In every sense of the word
Would they work with us
See the good that can come within her capacity.
What their out comes look like.
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Post by donatella on Sept 17, 2014 18:00:11 GMT
It is so difficult finding the right place. I was horrified when DS was packed off to our local PRU at 6. His behaviour in school was terrible. Violent towards staff and other children, running away, stealing from teachers bags and just generally being extremely challenging. Fear was there of course but he wasn't able to express it. Plus ADHD and later ASD. The PRU was a really old scruffy place and initially combined primary and secondary. What they had in their favour was an amazing, inspirational head. A local man, very caring, passionate about 'his' kids and who's turned the school into an outstanding school. At their last inspection they achieved all excellents. The staff are amazing. And 4 years later he's still there but doing a slow transition to an ASD unit in preparation for comp next year. Should add that they have a brilliant ed psych who only looks after this one school.
The children cover the spectrum. Lots of LAC, some diagnosed ASD and ADHD, some not. Some from .. err ... less than desirable families. But the kids love it there. Their attendance rate is one of the best in the authority and the children are believed in and respected. There have been no permanent exclusions in the past 4 years. Exclusion is an absolute last resort.
So, good places are out there in amongst the not so great.
I think, for your sake as much as dash's, school might be a good thing. To give you a break.
Why not speak to your sen dept? Ours is very helpful. Or Parent Partnership.
Tough choices xx
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Post by larsti on Sept 17, 2014 18:14:57 GMT
That does sound brilliant Donatella.
Thanks for your input too Pear Tree.
Yes some visits are next on my list.
x
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Post by sooz on Sept 17, 2014 18:16:00 GMT
I agree with pear tree, check out what's about by visiting them and looking around. I took snooz with me when I checked out a special school a couple of years ago, it helped me get a good idea of how he would fit in. The children in this school were generally needing a very high level of support, and I felt snooz would fit in less there than mainstream, so he's staying put for now. That said, if I had a suitable special school that continued through from primary to secondary then I might move him now, but I don't, and he is well supported right now.
A friend of mine had to fight to get her AS into a special school in a neighbouring county, although it was nearer than the one in her county, la didn't want to pay the transport, but she did it and got him in. The rule of thumb, I'm told, is the nearest suitable school, if you find a school you like but there are 3 nearer then you need to show why this particular school would meet his needs better, and....I'm led to believe, even if that school is not in your county.
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Post by larsti on Sept 17, 2014 18:22:47 GMT
Eureka!
Found the Education Inclusion Service for our county.
I also know an ed psych who does training for adopters and I have been on two of her courses so maybe an email to her?
Parent Partnership have a special needs information day coming up too.
Feeling encouraged...its such an emotional roller coaster!
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Post by corkwing on Sept 17, 2014 18:36:51 GMT
Hi, Larsti -
BESD or learning difficulties? I think that's difficult because I'd expect a number of kids with learning difficulties to also exhibit behavioural and social difficulties. I don't know where the line is drawn, but I would expect a good school for kids with learning difficulties to be experienced with difficult behaviours and to provide social support, etc.
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Sept 17, 2014 20:39:44 GMT
I think with my ED we could've gone EBD instead of special. I thought she would be influenced by others - (she went through a phase of watching Supernanny obsessively - in the end I banned it as I thought it was normalising behaviours for her).
Having read of some other EBD schools, and looking at a local one, - while obviously all are different, I 'm really please we went the way we did.
Certainly at our school, they are tight on maximising potential - their focus has changed over the last couple of years - and there seems to be an empathasis on the higher achievers. There are good links within the community - students are helped to find suitable work placements.
There is a real feeling of kindness among the staff.
As to how far should your radius be - ours is 15 miles - 45 mins. That feels far enough to me and was worse in the floods.
I do of someone locally who is trying to get her DS into a school which is 35miles away - 1hr 15min. That feels too far to me.
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Post by larsti on Sept 17, 2014 21:37:24 GMT
Thanks both, Really helpful.
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Post by larsti on Sept 18, 2014 13:14:05 GMT
Right....bull by the horns. Phoned manager of Education Inclusion Service (who also heads up the elective home education dept!) Only got to speak to his PA but she reassured me that getting a statement won't affect our right to home educate if we decide to stick with that. They are quite a 'friendly' LA for home educators, thankfully.
No reply from Parent Partnership so have emailed asking for help with starting the process of getting an EHC plan.
I know its no biggy for all of you, as you are used to dealing with 'the system' but I am pleased to have got started on it now.
Next thing I suppose is phone a few schools and visit them so we know what we want.
Oh and turns out the LA didn't know about Violet being home educated (I thought they did but we declined visits) Anyway we are entitled to some money towards her taking her IGCSEs apparently so that is something back for all the tax we pay!!
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That, and ADHD meds might make all the difference.
