|
Post by justbserene11 on Aug 15, 2014 6:58:56 GMT
The second LB is due to be written soon and I wondered how you signed this off. Last year I wrote 'best wishes from the adoptive parents'. This year however I feel differently, I suppose I feel more of a parent (over two years post placement) and I suppose I would really like to sign off this years letter as 'best wishes from Poppets mum and dad'.
We can't use our names as BM was never told them (the SW went as far as scribbling our names out in a signing in book when we met her) and when I write the letter I tend to use her/she as apposed to Poppets birth name so we can't really end with her name either..
Any ideas?
|
|
|
Post by flutterby on Aug 15, 2014 7:39:47 GMT
I thought about using the "LO's new mum and dad", but then thought better of it. Can you imagine receiving a letter like this? It must be a slap in the face, for BM it must be like, haha, she is ours now, you no longer count.
I have the same problem, in that BF must not know our names, so I decided to just sign off with a different name. Say, I was called Jane, I would have called myself Jean. That way, it gives the letter a personal touch, but you do not reveal anything. And it is neutral too. A letter from one adult to another.
Hope this helps. xx
|
|
|
Post by pingu on Aug 15, 2014 8:14:58 GMT
or you could just sign it with your initials e.g. best wishes from L and B (or whatevr your initials are) we met bm of only child we have lettebox with,and she knew our first names (not our surname) so we just signed ourfirst names and put dear (her first name) at the beginning if i ever had to write to other childs family, where there is a safety risk, i would just finish with best wishes and not sign it, after all they know its come from him new parents!
|
|
|
Post by lovelybee on Aug 15, 2014 8:31:45 GMT
We used false names when we met the birth parents of our eldest daughter Littlebee for security reasons and I can't remember what the names were! We write the letters to the birth parents using their first names and sign off as Littlebees adoptive parents. The one time we had a reply the birth parents signed off as mum & dad which I found hard but managed to resist signing the following letter from Littlebees parents and stuck to Littlebees adoptive parents.
When we met Babybee's birth mum DH's name was real and mine, as unusual, was changed. Birth mum was also accidentally told where we live! I think we will sign off as Babybee's adoptive parents for Babybee's letterbox to be consistent for both.
I would never refer to ourselves as Littlebee or Babybee's adoptive parents in any other circumstances and I roared at my mother in law when she used to introduce our daughter as our adopted daughter!! I do however want the letterbox contact to continue for daughters sakes.
Good luck with your decision.
LB x
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2014 9:15:14 GMT
I used our first names as BM knew them, but if not I would just sign off best wishes and leave it at that. I think signing it as X's adoptive parents is a bit of an insensitive thing to do as it's effectively saying - your not his/her parent now.
Having said that i would insist that they do not sign as Mum and Dad and would keep sending back any letters or cards with that on them until they got the message. It's up to the LB co-ordinator to get through to the BP's that that is not acceptable. Just my opinion.
|
|
|
Post by lovelybee on Aug 15, 2014 10:30:16 GMT
I don't know about others but we were advised by LB coordinator to sign off as LO's adoptive parents when we asked and it was also in the leaflets provided about Letterbox from our LA.
When I questioned content of letter being inappropriate and BP's signing letter off as mum & dad I was told they wouldn't usually send back letters to BP's to change. I think it varies so much. There has been 2 different LB co-ordinaries in 2 years and the post is currently unfilled so who knows what is going to happen in the future. They have provided an email address to send any letters to for now but not sure if they are even being processed and emailing across letters may not be an option for everyone which is sad.
Will think again about how to sign off in the future.
LB x
|
|
|
Post by justbserene11 on Aug 15, 2014 12:08:36 GMT
In regards to signing off as 'best wishes from the adoptive parents' we were advised to do this by Poppets SW. Personally, if I was to sign off 'best wishes from Poppets mum and dad' (as ultimately I wanted to) I think that this is insensitive, and that is why I asked for some advice.  Thank you for some great ideas. I think using initials (made up or not) is the best way forward. Lovelybee, definitely send those replies back that sign off 'from mum and dad'!
|
|
|
Post by donatella on Aug 15, 2014 13:37:07 GMT
I didn't use anything. As I didn't address it to anyone - did as a report - then there was no need to sign it off!
|
|
|
Post by milly on Aug 15, 2014 14:07:38 GMT
For some years I wrote "x's adoptive parents" but more recently changed it to "x's mum and dad" because that's what we are to our dds. There's no security risk as such in using our first names but I felt it was best to withold info that we didn't have to give.
However to one person we did give first names eventually as we had to write over a very sensitive matter and it seemed hard hearted to write "x's mum and dad". This person isn't in touch with the rest of the birth family as far as we know, but even if they were /are, we have common first names so not that easy to trace.
|
|
|
Post by milly on Aug 15, 2014 14:12:35 GMT
Just read some of the above responses. I think its ridiculous to avoid "mum and dad". Of course that's what we are and the bps know it full well - not saying it doesn't take any pain away for them, and not calling ourselves what we feel ourselves to be seems to be colluding with the idea that adoption isn't a life long process, a new family for the child - it is undermining its significance.... IMO.
|
|
|
Post by moo on Aug 16, 2014 6:02:33 GMT
Sadly SS are only really interested in placating the birth family.... Even my previously very sensible adopter friendly la seem to want the birth family's needs catered for....
I had to be very firm recently & point out that lb was in the interest of my sons first & formost so that the replies from bf ( ha ha ha ) kept the boys updated of any changes in bf circumstances.... It wasn't to keep birth family happy ! We I believe are seen as the soft touch...educated & able to be brow beaten because our empathy kicks in un- like most bf who are totally self obsessed....
Sorry I am on my soap box I must answer your Q....
Because of all the reasons others have mentioned I have not felt able to sign it off.... So I have just written my nicey nicey happy happy update & left it unsigned.....I do not consider my place is to be belittled or undervalued ( I am mummee no more & no less ) Plus in my book the only reason I participate is for the boys to see I have been kind to bf & written ..... I am sure when they are 18 SS will be very quick to send them their files.... It is very very important to me that they see that I have been fair honest & reasonable to bf.... Not hidden things from anyone....
Things are very shaky here now with SS & letterbox... I deeply resent the " oh poor bf are so saddened that the letters are now so short with little info about the boys " we think you are being quite unfair moo.... So my standard reply has been to remind SS why letterbox is in place & that it is voluntary & "oh yes.... Didn't' it occur to bf that they should have replied to each one!?? A reply just for once would be nice for the boys after 6 years!!??!?"
Sorry to be so acidic but it bugs me more than a bit!??
xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
Post by chotimonkey on Aug 16, 2014 9:31:21 GMT
We use false names as advised by ss, I didn't think of signing of as the monkey's mummy, not out of any sensitivity to bp, but just because i would never sign a letter to an adult 'xxxxx's mummy'. I'd never really thought about using anything other than a first name... Interesting qu
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2014 11:55:10 GMT
Think it very much depends on your relationship with the BP's and the reasons your child came into care.
I had a good relationship with my DD's BM. There was no neglect or abuse, she was just a vulnerable lady with mental health issues who couldn't look after herself let alone a child. I think that makes a huge difference IMO.
If either of my children had been abused or neglected by BF I would have refused to do any LB at all. If a child is removed under those circumstances why should new parents be expected to put all that aside and write to their childrens abusers, no way would I agree to that.
I sign ours with my first name and BM always refers to me as my DD's Mum, so I would never want to hurt her as she respects my position as their mother.
She does however, sign her cards, "first name, your natural mother" which is a phrase I hate as it makes adoption sound un-natural, but as she always refers to me as their Mum I let that one go. (prefer the term birth mother).
Equally, being an adoptee, I hate when people refer to my parents as my "adoptive parents", I hate that! They are my parents plain and simple. I have birth parents, and Mum and Dad, the people who brought me up since i was 3 weeks old, the ones who were there for me through good times and bad and if I ever do meet my BP's in my lifetime I would call them by their first names. I only have one Mum and Dad.
|
|
|
Post by homebird on Aug 18, 2014 14:42:41 GMT
I am birth family - a kinship adopter. letterbox has never been done to "placate" us. It is a form of communication between the adoptees and significant people in their lives who social services and maybe the court has decided should be maintained. The children may not be interested but at some point in their future it may become important for them to know that a link was maintained. I do not think that at age 18 they will be sent their file but will be informed that it is there for when/if they wish to see it and they will be given advice on how to contact birth family if they want to although ss will not act as intermediaries.
To overcome problems regarding how to address and sign off, the simplest solution is to write in the form of a newsletter eg "Childs (Spring/Summer/Winter/Annual) Newsletter". I find it quite pleasant to think about my daughters achievements and happy moments during the past year and putting it into a letter. We have not had a reply from the adoptees for 2 years so my daughter doesn't want to write now but I will continue to write for the sake of continuity as we only have a couple of years to go before they are all 18.
|
|
|
Post by caledonia on Aug 26, 2014 12:54:58 GMT
Like jmk, the birth parents of my two are supportive of the adoption and refer to me as their Mum and to my family as their family. They refer to themselves by their names. I address the letter to them as their first names and sign off the contact letter from 'my name', 'ds's name' and dd's name' as they know my first name but nothing more.
I too would find it odd to use adoptive parent, I think x's mum is better. you might feel uncomfortable about this, but what about writing the letter from poppet's perspective and signing her name at the bottom? This was it might seem more personal to her birth family and gets round how to sign the letter? Might make it more difficult to know what to call them I guess?
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Cale X
|
|
|
Post by gilreth on Aug 26, 2014 21:00:10 GMT
I am really thinking about this as we have only got LB agreements for Sqk's birth siblings - his birth parents have disappeared since our meeting and are not engaging at all - not even to see kids in LTFC as far as we can tell. They are still alive (I do look at Facebook occasionally to check). suspect it will be our shortened (everyday) names as this is what they know us as.
|
|