Post by corkwing on Jun 4, 2014 12:42:19 GMT
Self-talk... the voice in our head that comments on our every thought and action...
OK, so I should be doing PLACE. I should be playful, loving, accepting, caring and empathetic. Or is "C" something else? I should remember that, but I don't.
Oh, it's curious, isn't it? I should be curious. Despite all the blank looks that I've got over the years, I should be curious.
So let's start off with PLACE and see where we get to. But there are the triggers, too, aren't there? I should be handling those, shouldn't I? I should be doing the Bryan Post A to Z. I should be heading things off before they get to Z.
And I should be anticipating things. I should be looking out for all the potential issues that could trigger my little one. And I should be coming up with strategies to handle them.
And I should be doing PLACE at the same time.
And I should be providing a balanced and nutritious diet. So that means I should be sitting down and organising a set of menus for the week. And I should be providing meals that my little ones will actually eat. Which, at the moment, is chicken nuggets. No chips, veg, beans, peas... So I should be finding out ways to get her to eat different things. Which will be a trigger, so I should be working out how I can avoid that trigger.
And I should be shopping for those meals, but the little one hates shopping. So I should come up with strategies for that and... Oh, %£*&, I should be at a CAMHS appointment in 10 minutes and I should have warned little one about 5 times over the last hour and I haven't and suddenly I don't feel playful, loving, accepting, curious and empathetic like I should be. I feel stressed and I should be calm.
OK, so get shoes on little one in about 25 seconds and I should be doing the A to Z with that but I've messed up the build up and all I can do is shove them on her and drag her out, with her crying and stressing, and I should be a better parent than that. I should have remembered the appointment but I was rescuing the cat and trying to sort the laundry and trying to get her to eat some breakfast and trying to be playful, loving, accepting, whatever C is and I frankly don't give a stuff about E at the moment, except from what I've heard about them, I'd love to get one or two down me at the moment and... and I should be focussing. I should be calm and I should apologise to little one for rushing her out and I should sit down and have a talk to her about it but I've still got to get to the @&£%*$£ CAMHS appointment and when am I supposed to fit the little apologetic talk in - the one that, in the book, goes on for about 3 pages?
Right, back from CAMHS and I should be doing the menu and I should be searching the Internet for how to make things for her to eat and I should be doing some vacuuming because the place is a real mess and I should be doing some of those theraplay things that I learnt about on that course and I've never really done and that's really awful, isn't it? And what's my partner thinking, when we paid for it and I haven't done it? I should have done it. I should have made the time and taken the effort. I'm really carp, aren't I?
And instead, little one wants me to read her a story and she never wants me to read her a story so I should drop everything and read her a story because that's important, isn't it? Or is the food more important? I should be able to make that decision and I should be able to do it without dithering. OK, so I'll do the story. Or the housework. Or searching the Internet. Or the story. I should know which to do. OK, I WILL do the story. So come here...
"Once upon a time..." I should be doing the housework, shouldn't I? This place is a real mess. And I should be sorting out what we're going to eat because I should go shopping later and if I don't have a menu then I'll just chuck any old rubbish in the trolley and it'll cost loads and won't go together and I'll end up chucking half of the veg out because it'll go mouldy and I'll have wasted it and I should be able to just get what we need... and I should be concentrating on the story, shouldn't I?
"...and the third little pig said..." but she's got up and wandered off. I should be better at reading stories. I should be able to keep her attention for five minutes, shouldn't I and DON'T DO THAT!!!!! Oh, no, I've blown it again. I should be calm and I've shouted again and now she's shouting back at me and it wasn't that big a thing - only something which had some stupid sentimental value and I should be the grown up here, and I should put it away somewhere, despite the fact that I love it and I just want SOMETHING of mine to remind me of the freedom that we had before the adoption, and I should not be thinking things like that because it's selfish. I should just put it away and I shouldn't feel hurt and sad about it because I should just feel that it's a little thing and I should be a grown up about it and I shouldn't feel like I did when I was a kid and my brother broke that toy that was rubbish but I loved it for some stupid, stupid reason and I shouldn't be welling up like this. I should be calm and cool and collected and all of that.
I should be getting back to being playful and loving and all the rest of that stuff and I should know where it all went wrong on the A to Z. And I know what it is. I've forgotten the Explosive Child stuff. I should have been doing that, but I didn't and it's all my fault and I'm such a terrible parent.
And maybe it wasn't the Explosive Child stuff. It was the Holly van Gulden stuff. I got her close to me, reading the story, and it was too close and she couldn't handle that and I should have realised that beforehand and I should have sat with her beside me, not with my arm around her shoulder and that was such a stupid mistake to make because I've ruined what could have been a lovely moment and, once again, I've messed up big time and I am so RUBBISH at this!
OK, so I should start again... but I should know what I should be starting with and I don't. I don't know if I should be on A to Z or exploding PLACEs or maybe I should just get the vacuum cleaner out, because I should be able to keep the place clean and tidy and I should get that menu sorted because it's just a menu and I should be able to do that. And I know I'm tired because little one keeps waking in the night but I should be able to handle that and it's coming up to lunchtime and I should be able to think of something to make that she will enjoy and that will be nutritious and I should be getting her five a day into her somehow...
OK, so I should be doing PLACE. I should be playful, loving, accepting, caring and empathetic. Or is "C" something else? I should remember that, but I don't.
Oh, it's curious, isn't it? I should be curious. Despite all the blank looks that I've got over the years, I should be curious.
So let's start off with PLACE and see where we get to. But there are the triggers, too, aren't there? I should be handling those, shouldn't I? I should be doing the Bryan Post A to Z. I should be heading things off before they get to Z.
And I should be anticipating things. I should be looking out for all the potential issues that could trigger my little one. And I should be coming up with strategies to handle them.
And I should be doing PLACE at the same time.
And I should be providing a balanced and nutritious diet. So that means I should be sitting down and organising a set of menus for the week. And I should be providing meals that my little ones will actually eat. Which, at the moment, is chicken nuggets. No chips, veg, beans, peas... So I should be finding out ways to get her to eat different things. Which will be a trigger, so I should be working out how I can avoid that trigger.
And I should be shopping for those meals, but the little one hates shopping. So I should come up with strategies for that and... Oh, %£*&, I should be at a CAMHS appointment in 10 minutes and I should have warned little one about 5 times over the last hour and I haven't and suddenly I don't feel playful, loving, accepting, curious and empathetic like I should be. I feel stressed and I should be calm.
OK, so get shoes on little one in about 25 seconds and I should be doing the A to Z with that but I've messed up the build up and all I can do is shove them on her and drag her out, with her crying and stressing, and I should be a better parent than that. I should have remembered the appointment but I was rescuing the cat and trying to sort the laundry and trying to get her to eat some breakfast and trying to be playful, loving, accepting, whatever C is and I frankly don't give a stuff about E at the moment, except from what I've heard about them, I'd love to get one or two down me at the moment and... and I should be focussing. I should be calm and I should apologise to little one for rushing her out and I should sit down and have a talk to her about it but I've still got to get to the @&£%*$£ CAMHS appointment and when am I supposed to fit the little apologetic talk in - the one that, in the book, goes on for about 3 pages?
Right, back from CAMHS and I should be doing the menu and I should be searching the Internet for how to make things for her to eat and I should be doing some vacuuming because the place is a real mess and I should be doing some of those theraplay things that I learnt about on that course and I've never really done and that's really awful, isn't it? And what's my partner thinking, when we paid for it and I haven't done it? I should have done it. I should have made the time and taken the effort. I'm really carp, aren't I?
And instead, little one wants me to read her a story and she never wants me to read her a story so I should drop everything and read her a story because that's important, isn't it? Or is the food more important? I should be able to make that decision and I should be able to do it without dithering. OK, so I'll do the story. Or the housework. Or searching the Internet. Or the story. I should know which to do. OK, I WILL do the story. So come here...
"Once upon a time..." I should be doing the housework, shouldn't I? This place is a real mess. And I should be sorting out what we're going to eat because I should go shopping later and if I don't have a menu then I'll just chuck any old rubbish in the trolley and it'll cost loads and won't go together and I'll end up chucking half of the veg out because it'll go mouldy and I'll have wasted it and I should be able to just get what we need... and I should be concentrating on the story, shouldn't I?
"...and the third little pig said..." but she's got up and wandered off. I should be better at reading stories. I should be able to keep her attention for five minutes, shouldn't I and DON'T DO THAT!!!!! Oh, no, I've blown it again. I should be calm and I've shouted again and now she's shouting back at me and it wasn't that big a thing - only something which had some stupid sentimental value and I should be the grown up here, and I should put it away somewhere, despite the fact that I love it and I just want SOMETHING of mine to remind me of the freedom that we had before the adoption, and I should not be thinking things like that because it's selfish. I should just put it away and I shouldn't feel hurt and sad about it because I should just feel that it's a little thing and I should be a grown up about it and I shouldn't feel like I did when I was a kid and my brother broke that toy that was rubbish but I loved it for some stupid, stupid reason and I shouldn't be welling up like this. I should be calm and cool and collected and all of that.
I should be getting back to being playful and loving and all the rest of that stuff and I should know where it all went wrong on the A to Z. And I know what it is. I've forgotten the Explosive Child stuff. I should have been doing that, but I didn't and it's all my fault and I'm such a terrible parent.
And maybe it wasn't the Explosive Child stuff. It was the Holly van Gulden stuff. I got her close to me, reading the story, and it was too close and she couldn't handle that and I should have realised that beforehand and I should have sat with her beside me, not with my arm around her shoulder and that was such a stupid mistake to make because I've ruined what could have been a lovely moment and, once again, I've messed up big time and I am so RUBBISH at this!
OK, so I should start again... but I should know what I should be starting with and I don't. I don't know if I should be on A to Z or exploding PLACEs or maybe I should just get the vacuum cleaner out, because I should be able to keep the place clean and tidy and I should get that menu sorted because it's just a menu and I should be able to do that. And I know I'm tired because little one keeps waking in the night but I should be able to handle that and it's coming up to lunchtime and I should be able to think of something to make that she will enjoy and that will be nutritious and I should be getting her five a day into her somehow...
) 
