summer is coming...time to run!

what a difference a day makes....24 little hours

Much better day, after a shaky start. Enigma's head pivoted back to facing forwards...she was very sorry for her behaviour. Doesn't want to leave home - yet. Felt we hadn't appreciated her progress. We had talked but what seemed to register was that we had made progress but we all have sensitive buttons that cause almost involuntary actions. İ was very impressed by her ability to step back and altho

İ reminded her that altho she is changing her reaction is still to lie if she senses trouble...my reaction is hurt which trips my sarcasm and her dad reacts by blaming all her friends and keeping her in purdah - and down we go like dominoes!

So we are back to looking at uni courses...back on meds in order to come off them properly...visit to the docs to agree this - followed by a trip to the polis with some baklava. This time İ will be dressed well and wearing slap so that İ can challenge the pc WHO called me an old woman!!

Joking apart, this was short lived but a nightmare. Hope we all learn enough to prevent a repetition any time soon.
Thank you for your messages and prayers...and for reading. İts good to know there is a place to share

Dear kizim,

Mr pt and I have lived through our son turning 18 and he was in a right state. He did some disappearing off and getting trapped in a web of lies he couldn't see a way out of.
We went on a course.
It was the holly van gulden one called "roadmap to leaving home"
The notes on this course are on the resources section.
Honestly, we've done a lot of the things suggested on the course but the key messages were 'children who arrive in a hurry, leave in a hurry' and building alive connections within the family.
Mr pt spending the weekend with Partridge is one of the tasks we are trying to grow more roots within relationships here as a young adult.
Perhaps worth a look

Citalopram shouldn't be stopped suddenly - it can cause feelings of panic/dizziness/nausea/tremor/sweating .
It should be reduced gradually over a minimum of 2 weeks, or longer if needed.
Citalopram should be reduced v cautiously in younger people & is usually supervised by CAMHS or paeds.
Wonder if abrupt cessation has anything to do with actions?
How long had she been on it?

Hope you are all hanging in there & starting to reconnect.

x

Kizim, I've had a look and found this
Leaving home can be additionally hazardous for adopted young people due to their previous unsatisfactory experience of partings and their emotional vulnerabilities.
Holly’s training emphasised the importance of good attachments being in place so that young people have relationships to separate from. Thus the work towards leaving home should
start when children are young, for example, by ensuring that life story books have full accounts not only of the young person’s life in their adoptive family but also information about their adopters which allows them to see in which ways they are alike and in which ways they are different. In this way differentiation from adopters does not inevitably mean being like birth parents, and adolescents may feel less driven
to seek out birth family members or those who remind them of birth family.
Holly stressed also that the phases of grief associated with adoption can appear throughout childhood
Breakfast
and that the searching phase can promote a sense of needing to reconnect with birth family. Her advice here is that reunification is best undertaken at a time when the adopted young person has successfully left but is still well connected to their adoptive family.
Holly emphasised the importance building both permanence (believing a person still exists even when they are not with you) and constancy (trusting you are loved even when your attachment figure is angry with you). Both these concepts can be under strain in adolescence.
You can hear more useful information on these by looking Holly’s videos on BAAF (British Agencies of Adoption and Fostering) area of Youtube.
She also gave the following tips:
• Complete a full written loss history for your child including their age and situation; what the loss/transition/trauma was; who left? What changed? And what connections were maintained and with whom and how?
• Consider the loss history carefully to learn how your child may approach leaving home and what messages you will need to help them unlearn.
• Teach your child how you and any other family members manage/d leaving(s) by telling these stories or putting them in life-story books.
• Give the young person increasing and appropriate levels of responsibility while still in the family.
• Prepare for their leaving over time by writing a careful plan regarding all elements of leaving together with your child. This would include how they will be able to stay connected to the family. (eg ‘you can take this with you when you leave’) and practice these.
• Keep connected with safety, comfort, warmth, food and joy!

Thank you so much Peartree and Tokoloshe

İ will look up tose links PT have already started sending short texts to let her know İm thinking of her when she is not here. We run a restaurant and some English guests came. Enigma was chatting with them and after they came and said what a wonderful daughter İ had and how much they liked the way she thought and expressed herself...siad İ must be very proud of her.Told Enigma and she was almost tearful...looked anxiously at me and asked if İ was proud of her. İ assured her we were. Later OH and İ talked about how we need to see Enigma in the same light and acknowledge her good points more - and try not to take it personally when her hedonistic alter ego appears

Thank you x

Oh dear. Ms Hyde again.
((((Kizim and DH))))
I hope she reappears soon.

I had the same situation but, here, the legal age to leave is 16. My dd2 climbed out the window at 12.05am on her birthday and did not return for 10 days. I knew where she was, although she did not know this, and I decided that I would not chase after her and insist she returned. She did come back 10 days later and, although she then attempted to move out (in a slightly more organised fashion) a couple more times, she did not finally move out until she was 22. I believe she was shocked that I did not chase after her at 16 but left her to it and did not fund her while she was away. We now have an excellent relationship and she is constantly in touch several times a day! I do believe that sometimes they have to realise for themselves that the grass is not always greener and let them decide for themselves to return when realisation hits.

((((Kizim))))
Still holding you in mind.
Hope all is well on the home front.

xxx D

I don't know how often I was told that I was the mother from hell. They grow up, however, and realisation hits them eventually that what you do for them (even the restrictions you place on them) are for their own good and done out of love. You will no doubt have a wobbly couple of years but she will survive and so will you and I'd be surprised if you do not end up with a much better relationship with her at the end of it.