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Post by serrakunda on May 22, 2014 7:07:31 GMT
So this morning, after many many warnings about certain behaviour connected to the sky/TV remote control and looking for the new obsession to record, instead of getting breakfast and ready for school, I took action.
Tried to turn the TV off, he fought me, had to prise the remote from his fingers, he fought me, glasses went flying, he was screaming at me like its the end of the world, saying he is sorry and won't do it again. I don't mean he hit me, he isnt aggressive in that way, more like wrestling me, pushing, shoving, grabbing at me trying to get it back. This is his standard response when I get to this point. He has had so many warnings, he has made so many apologies. Same last night walking back from club, I said I wouldnt hold his hand unless he walked nicely. Just find it really hard to deal with. And exhausting
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Post by justbserene11 on May 22, 2014 7:27:35 GMT
I know you are a singly but have you anyone close to you to take simba out for a few hours? I ask as it sounds that you need some 'time off' where you are not working/doing chores.
Whenever, I reach this point DH takes poppet out and I stay in. I watch carp TV, doze and generally recharge my batteries.
Sending hugs xx
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Post by flowerpower on May 22, 2014 7:45:17 GMT
I know what you mean one of mine does avoidance tactics for anything I ask her to do we can sometimes all be in the car ready to go and she is still fiddling with something or just refusing to leave the TV it is so frustrating. I wish I had some answers for you so can only send hugs for now xxx
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Post by sooz on May 22, 2014 8:27:34 GMT
I'm feeling the pain!
The only thing I've found that works with snooz when he's refused to turn off TV or give the remote control is just say 'fine, that's up to you, but tomorrow the TV will not be being switched on at all, make your choice'. I've refused to get into a grappling situation, so far, but.....and it's a big but, when you are worn out, stressed and just plain had enough then reason goes out the window! Im lucky this tactic works here, but I don't like it.
(Of course there was the one time, on a Friday night, he said 'I don't care if you don't put tv on tomorrow I'm watching it now' I just said ok, carry on. When he looked for the remote the next day it was gone, and stayed gone for a week, he was not happy but he made his choice).
Snooz is not allowed tv on until he's dressed and teeth done (the alternative is not worth the fallout) and I allow him to eat breakfast watching TV (since the dentist told me brush before breakfast it's actually worked out better! Lol). When it's time to go,he's allowed to pause what he was watching if he switches off straight away (don't ask me why pausing the programme is so important to him, he never carries on watching it when he gets home.)
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a military camp! Oh for the joy of being able to relax and not preempt the next flashpoint!
Snooz will always say he won't do something again, or he's sorry, but he goes straight back to it given the chance. I've tried other alternatives, giving him choices, letting him make decisions but it just doesn't compute with him. He doesn't get it.
It's constant isn't it? Xxxx
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Post by runmum on May 22, 2014 8:34:55 GMT
Everyone is different but I can only say what I observe with my two, particularly the youngest - if it seems wrong for you then fair enough but hopefully something will resonate.
1. Transitions of any type are really hard - turning off TV, getting into the car, sitting down to a meal etc etc.
Advanced information does help but I find warnings are not enough and in fact if given as a warning rather than a support can lead to rage.
Instead I say in 10 minutes I am going to ask you to turn off your HUDL (cheap tablet computer for those that don't know) I know you find this hard so I am going to help.
I would like you to put your shoes and coat on but I don't think you can right now so I am going to ask you to concentrate on turning the HUDL off, I will do the rest. I then say I am just going to hold your foot and put your shoe on, now I'm going to hold your arm and put it into your coat sleeve etc. It's 5 minutes until you need to turn the HUDL off now. I know this makes you feel cross so in 2 minutes I am going to come back and do some "rapid fire" (he asks for sensory input to help him stay regulated. Rapid Fire was his invention and involves tapping the soles of his feet with my hands. Simba may be very different but it does sound as if he is quite sensory seeking so it might be worth saying that you are wondering if a squeeze on his arms or a tap on his feet would help him feel calm - this bit might be totally wrong for Simba as it might be too much. In which case maybe he could chew on a chew tag/stick or squeeze some putty in his hands to help him feel calm. This might help with the walk back from cubs too. The chew tags just look like cool tags you attach to your rucksack but they are safe to chew. I keep putty in my handbag and just hand them some when I see it is needed.)
2. You have rights too. It sounds like you are worn out from all the pushing shoving and wrestling. Really glad Simba is not aggressive - my two are they will kick, whip with anything they can grab like an electrical cord, beat with anything they can grab like the pole in the bottom of a roller blind. Even though you don't suffer this aggression it is still not ok for you to be pushed and shoved.
I find it's important for me to make a statement that demonstrates the respect I have for myself and the respect I expect from my children - even though I know they are not ready to give it. So I say I am here to care for you and love you but I not here to be ... (fill in blank i.e. kicked, hit, sworn at, pushed and shoved.) The youngest will then laugh in my face and I say I will keep helping you but you need to stop this because it's not ok for any kid to do this to their mum. If he carries on which he usually does I just repeat I am not here to be .... whatever it is, I am here to love (for some kids love is too hard so maybe care for you might be better) you. Eventually he will distract himself by doing something disruptive like tipping all his dinner on the floor. I then just leave it for a while then go back and ask if he's hungry and offer cereal or toast stating that there is no time for more cooking. Later when he is totally calm i ask him to help me clear up or better still my husband does this and I tell him that I need to go for a rest. (I know you are single but perhaps a friend could help in this way occasionally then Simba will see people taking care of you which is important.)
3. He might not be able to stop right now. There could be thousands of reasons for this but my youngest is sensory seeking and quite simply unless he gets a suitable sensory diet he just cannot regulate himself. This is where i meet frustration because I need school and clubs to work with me and that's a battle. I am trying to get help from a private ed psych and the Post Adoption Team OT to explain this stuff as no one listens to me. So at after school club my youngest needs lots of swinging and pushing and weight bearing stuff for the first 1.5 hours then he needs a programme to calm down in time for me to pick him up - it might be the same for Simba with cubs. Have you seen a Sensory Attachment OT? Getting an appointment is like getting blood out of a stone but that's what I am trying to do.
Hope you make progress and find a way to get some rest!!
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Post by serrakunda on May 22, 2014 8:52:44 GMT
Yes he is sensory seeking, I have my very firm views about sensory processing issues! school don't see it to the extent that they put the letter and report I gave them about it on file without actioning it. waiting for an OT appointment to come through now though.
Part of the morning issue is that he is awake so much earlier than me. So he comes down and watches TV which I don't mind as long as the turns it off when I ask him. If it's not the TV it is the DS or the computer, same problem, he can't just switch the computer off and let it close down while he's getting ready, he has to watch it close down. Yes I could put all this stuff out of his reach but if I did he would be in my bed at some ungodly hour wanting attention. Simba likes to pause it as well, strange that one
If he does it again though the remote will not be there in the morning.
bserene, I am very lucky I don't work Fridays so I always go to the gym, have a sauna and a peaceful lunch. About every four weeks or so I meet a group of other mums with autistic/ADHD kids for tea, cake, whinge and gossip, though we are the only adoptive family. In fact that's where I'm off to now!
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Post by flutterby on May 22, 2014 8:56:22 GMT
If all the good advice above fails, how about an act of God, i.e. cause a general power failure? Not your fault at all ;-) so he cant blame you unless he works out that it is you mucking around with the switches.
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Post by serrakunda on May 22, 2014 9:03:25 GMT
Fluttery, I had to do that for a long time when he had an obsession with the gas cooker, I had to switch a mains switch off to turn off the electric ignition because I was worried he was going to set fire to himself. One day I forgot and was rushing to get there before he did, unfortunately switch is in the cupboard where I keep the crockery, in my rush I knocked the whole lot out, Simba just looks round fro the cooker and says what are you making all that noise for mummy, while I'm surrounded by piles of broken crocks
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Post by sooz on May 22, 2014 9:54:58 GMT
Not liking the sound of ungodly hours!!! That's never good!
If you put his clothes out the night before, is he able to get himself dressed as soon as he gets up, however early, meaning one less job to go back to later?
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Post by serrakunda on May 22, 2014 11:31:25 GMT
He does get dressed sooz, his normal routine is to get up, can be anytime between 6 and 7, he gets dressed and goes downstairs to watch TV. I do his school bag and kit the night before, so we are ready to rock, get up at 7.15, all he has to do is eat, do teeth, put shoes on, get on bus.
anyway, one chai latte, mint tea, one sausage and bacon panini and a good gossip with the ladies later and the world seems calmer. I have an old friend coming tonight, she hasn't met Simba yet, she used to principal of a special school and college and director of children's services at an LA so will be interesting to get her view of things.
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Post by flutterby on May 22, 2014 15:21:01 GMT
Oh, gosh, Serrakunda, it really sounds like you have been trying everything, but desperately need a rest. Someone, family/friend/respite carer through social services needs to get involved and give you a regular break.
Being a single parent is hard at the best of times. But when you have a child with special needs you really need to look after yourself first and foremost. (Easier said than done, I know) Wish I could send some magic helper xxx
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Post by sooz on May 22, 2014 16:19:13 GMT
Glad you feel better, it's amazing what some time with friends can do.
Sorry, I'm guessing you've tried pretty much everything.
And let us know your friends thoughts!! Xxx
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2014 16:54:18 GMT
Along the lines of Flutterby, I was just wondering if your TV had a timer on it to switch it off at the time you need him to leave for school?
You can sometimes set them for weekdays and not at weekends?
Might work as he could see it wasn't you doing it.
Worth a try?
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Post by wibbley on May 22, 2014 19:26:37 GMT
Very like my DS serrakunda. It's exhausting and emotionally draining.  |
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Post by serrakunda on May 22, 2014 23:30:14 GMT
Simba hit it off with my friend so well, they played table football and she brought a puzzle book and they did lots of puzzles together while we were waiting for dinner. When we got back he went off to do teeth and pjs without a peep. Then he cuddled up to her on the sofa and showed her his photos of Gambia, gave her the biggest hug.
I think she got him sussed pretty quickly, emotionally and behaviourally a 5 year old, thinks I should get him out of special school
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Post by wibbley on May 23, 2014 6:44:58 GMT
Why out of special school? If he is emotionally 5yrs would he cope in mainstream?
Sadly there seems to be a real lack of provision (local to me anyway) for kids that fall in the middle - somewhere between mainstream & special school.
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Post by serrakunda on May 23, 2014 7:17:02 GMT
Because of he stays in a school largely populated by children who are more disabled than he is, how will he move on? At the moment he is in a class of 13. There is a group of 5 of them who are at the same level academically, but three of them are already 11 and the other is 10. Simba isn't 10 until end July, three of these are much more autistic than him so socially there is little there for him. Of the others in the class several can't read and use makaton, one is Downs. All our secondaries will be broad spectrum from 2015 so will be a similar picture.
He is holding his own at his mainstream placement, has made friends, in a class of 30 with one TA. I don't think I'd take him out of special now, I'd like to give him time to consolidate his academic progress which has been huge, but secondary mainstream has to be a serious option
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Post by sooz on May 23, 2014 12:22:55 GMT
I see where she's coming from! There is a balance, it's just getting it right. Xx
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Post by wibbley on May 24, 2014 7:22:19 GMT
I Agree, that would be our problem. There is no way DS would cope in mainstream, but the local SEN schools have a very wide cross section of kids, who in the main seem to be far 'more disabled' than my DS.
However, I am pretty sure that DS wouldn't cope anywhere as to him, 3 people in a room is too many. HE suits him perfectly at the moment. So we are lucky we can do that for him. DS enjoys the company of few select people he knows well, all kids older than him - but outside where he can get his own space. His biggest issues are sensory.
However, a friends son recently started at a SEN secondary. He is a very bright, social ASpie who fell apart at mAinstream. I did ask her about all this, especially the friendship issue. She said that he should gravitate towards the 1 or 2 kids like him that would be his friendship group. She's right in the respect they most ASD kids don't tend to mix in a group, but that they make 1 maybe 2 close friends & that's it. This is my experience with all the ASD kids I know. 1 or 2 close bonds, everyone else is an acquaintance.
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Post by littlemisscheerful on May 24, 2014 8:52:43 GMT
Wibbley, that is exactly our situation. It's slightly frustrating because my yd loves the humanities, and she doesn't get enough knowledge.
She's now 12 and I think could manage a rpimary school, - but a secondary school, with different classrooms and different subject teachers would be well outside her capabilities.
I'd love a school that was in the middle of the 2, but there just isn't anywhere. At least she enjoys school, and is popular and coping.
Serrakunda, your school situation soulds really different to here.
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Post by serrakunda on May 24, 2014 9:38:21 GMT
Simba isn't that dissimilar really, he does latch on to one or two boys as his special friends but can rub along in bigger groups.
He seems to be managing fine in his mainstream placement.
Yesterday his mainstream class were part of an 150 strong, junk orchestra. On Tuesday they had a music workshop and made three instruments each. On Friday they went to the main square in town and did a half hour performance to open a festival weekend. He was very firmly attached to his mate E, but he didn't look uncomfortable at all in the large group. The end of term activity in his special school was a teddy bears picnic, I think the orchestra was a better option for a nearly 10 year old.
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Post by kstar on May 24, 2014 9:47:03 GMT
If you can find the right secondary I would say go for it! From his other activities, Simba always seems to cope well with other boys when he's interested in what he is doing... For example at our school, we have a nurture group where they have Maths, English and Science in a group of approx 8-10 students, always with the same teacher and same teaching assistant in the same room. During what would be languages lessons, they do Miskin reading to boost confidence. They then go to mainstream humanities, PE and creative lessons. Granted most of those children are those with academic issues like dyslexia etc, but some of them are autistic and they seem to cope well. It then gives them access to all the opportunities of secondary, eg extra curricular sport/ drama/ music, trips etc.
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Post by littlemisscheerful on May 24, 2014 12:04:24 GMT
kstar, that sounds great, and I agree that it sounds like Simba enjoys his extra currilum stuff much more than either of my 2. I'm convinced that Anxiety/confidence/lack of trust are my girls main issues.
Also, from what Serrakunda has said, it's quite common for kids to go to special primary then join mainstream secondary. That has the advantage of boosting confidence/self esteem and then they can carry those skills forward to secondary school. This is opposed to our situation of esteem taking a battering at mainstream primary, and then being built up again at special school.
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Post by wibbley on May 24, 2014 16:54:39 GMT
I guess nearly all the kids I know didn't cope at Primary, hence the large ASD HE network we are part of. A few came out of SEN schools too. Some made the choice from the word go after trying pre-school & it being a disaster (like us).
I think if Primary is too much, then there is probably no chance of making it in secondary - not for my 2 anyway. DD was strung out in Reception (very small school), DS was totally utterly off-kilter at Pre-school.
You've described my DSs worst nightmare - a group of boys making a lot of noise, somewhere new. Yikes.
Strangely enough, he always gravitates to girls, or boys like him - quirky lads.
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Post by doubletrouble on May 24, 2014 20:09:12 GMT
We moved both our 2 to a prep. school where the classes are no more than about 15, they work in a quite environment, are taught in a traditional way with a very set routine and loads of extra curricular activity i.e. sports, drama, music, even a maths club and an I.T. club. They don't go to high school till they are 14 either which is much better for our children as in Scotland you go at 11. We got a very good bursary from the school and help with fees from other educational trusts. It has been the best thing we ever did.
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