|
|
Post by imp on May 17, 2014 20:44:40 GMT
Just wondering, how are you able to support your ACs if they do not have a recorded Biological Father?
I have yet another LAC for whom this is a reality.
Is it a 'big thing' as they get older and more aware of the probable meaning of this situation (ie, mum slept around)? |
|
|
|
Post by giggles on May 17, 2014 21:00:37 GMT
Really interesting question Imp, we have this very situation but DS is too young at the moment to know or understand this sort of information.
I remember seeing Mary Corrigan speak once and on this topic she said, perhaps introduce things like 'you have really strong arms / lovely brown eyes / blond curly hair... I wonder if you get that from your BF'. I understand her sentiments but what if the BF wasn't such a great guy. Would you want to leave a lasting association? I'm interested to hear of others with older children and how they handle this.
|
|
|
|
Post by ham on May 18, 2014 5:49:36 GMT
I do have a little info on bf but mine are not interested in him and never ask questions.they show more interest in bm.
|
|
|
|
Post by milly on May 18, 2014 8:19:05 GMT
The bm of one of mine eventually gave a name for bf, but since she held out so long I'm not convinced it is accurate. Also she gave dd a present with a tag listing a different name as "daddy". Whatever, we know nothing about him beyond a potential name and reputedly he doesn't know of her existence. Dd has shown very little interest in him and not much more in bm so far, so haven't had to say much yet. My other child is much more focused on bm than bf.(unrelated)
|
|
|
|
Post by imp on May 18, 2014 9:09:32 GMT
Perhaps it's not such a 'big thing' then? In all cases that I have experienced mum definitely did not know. In many ways this makes the SWs job easier, only the maternal family to assess, but it does also mean that the child may always be left wondering.
|
|
|
|
Post by want2adopt on May 18, 2014 9:39:53 GMT
Hi,
Im 46 this year, and I do not know the name of my father!
No name on birth certificate, just a line!
My mum died when I was 9 years old and never got to telling me who he was (I wouldn't have understood at that age anyhow I don't think)
Ive gone thru life hearing different stories from different members of my family. I have a first name and a place where he was from - like a needle in a haystack!
I will never find him. I do have the desire to know who I really am. Who do I look like? Do I have any other siblings? What is my 'real' surname? Who were my grandparents? The list goes on and on.
I cant tell you how to deal with any situation when it comes up, I lived in different foster homes when my mum died and I used to ask each one if it was in the file they read about me etc. I searched and searched. I attempted to write to newspapers in the area where he is from etc. Apart from degrade myself on Jeremy kyle, then I HAVE to get used to the fact that I will NEVER know!
But im an adult.
My mother 'didnt sleep around', I wouldn't tell your LAC that that was a probable either.
My mother just wasn't with my father when the birth certificate was processed. You are not allowed to name an unmarried father on a birth certificate unless he is there to sign the papers.
My dad is a line .....
I don't know how to help you explain to your LAC, apart from to ask his/her mother. Its only her that can explain it all. Its not going to be an easy conversation for the child, and as the child grows it will become more of an issue, teenage years are the worst. But it was different for me, I grew up without a mum and a dad ... I was used to not knowing what might have been. I got on with it. I accepted it ..
To a point, but I would still to this day love to know what he looks like, what his surname is. Its something that will always be with me.
I just hope that your LAC will be loved enough to feel that he/she hasn't missed out ....
Good Luck
xx
|
|
|
|
Post by imp on May 18, 2014 9:56:53 GMT
Thanks for your reply, want2adopt, and for being so open about your sad experiences.
To clarify, my LAC is only a baby, will be leaving me way before they will have any understanding---hopefully to a delightful Adoptive family.
The 'sleeping around' comment was actually made be a very experienced SW
I suppose it very much depends on the family that the LO ends up with as to how this is handled, but then----adolescents can see all sorts of truths and half truths in situations
It is possible, in this case, that LO may go to a ----very----extended family member, who may not be very friendly towards Mum, so the chances of LO being told the unvarnished 'truth' may be even greater
|
|
|
|
Post by donatella on May 18, 2014 11:26:16 GMT
Imp, we're 12, 9 and 7 years in now and never have any of them ever shown any interest in bf! We know a little about 2 of them, rather too much about the other one but my kids are just not interested. Not that interested in bm either. I do sometimes question whether this is more important to us, as adopters, than it is to our children. Until now that's definitely been the case here. Although I appreciate that this may change as they get older.
|
|
|
|
Post by imp on May 18, 2014 12:14:46 GMT
Must admit don, I suspected that BM might be more an issue--just what the SW said made me wonder
|
|
|
|
Post by damson on May 18, 2014 20:54:06 GMT
It will likely be an issue when they have their own children.
Who am I like? What genetic issues are there in my family (both sides)?
|
|
|
|
Post by kizim on May 18, 2014 21:41:21 GMT
My two have shown little to no interest in bfathers. İn fact İ have had to tell each of them that their respective bf's have died - that got no reaction either. There is not much more interest in bmothers....at the moment
|
|
|
|
Post by larsti on May 18, 2014 22:40:44 GMT
Do you remember when it was in the news that Ed Milliband's name was not on his eldest child's birth certificate? He was not there when his partner (now wife) registered the birth, just as want 2 adopt said.
That news story helped me as it didn't seen so awful that BF is not named, IYSWIM. We have aname and some info but DH (and SW) didn't think that was necessarily believable but I see no reason to disbelieve her. Name is in lifestory book (but Dash hasn't seen it...entire lifestory book is not really appropriate. Our life story work has been verbal). Trouble is, with the name is the name of half sibs...aaarg!!
|
|
|
|
Post by pingu on May 18, 2014 22:50:35 GMT
Our ds1 does not know who is birth father is, and never has. His birth mother told him she didn't know and we suspect from the circumstances , that this might actually be the case.it hard for him but has meant that he particularly values his adoptive dad because he " never had a dad before"
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on May 19, 2014 5:41:03 GMT
Really interesting thread.... Want2adopt didn't know that.... See that it must be 'true'....
My two are very disinterested in both bm & BF... Bf more so.... Have to wait & see as they get older.... I talk of them of course but not overly so..... They have asked once 'what's their other name?!? But I have said ' I don't know' I don't want them looking them up on Facebook any time soon!?!? They soon moved on after that answer it doesn't seem all fired up important to them....
xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by milly on May 19, 2014 7:41:50 GMT
Very interesting thread. I would suspect it could become a big thing for my dd one day. Perhaps soon. Older dd got more interested in bm around 8 ish so perhaps younger dd just hasn't reached that stage yet. I take heart from the fact we do have a name at least as, even if it is not valid, it suggests bm has some idea so she could be a source of info for dd in future. She has always said he was Irish which seems a very definite thing to say. Also all her other kids have known fathers. So dd has more to go on than some. Want2adopt, I can understand how hard it is not to know and to have no way to find out.
|
|
|
|
Post by swimchic on May 19, 2014 8:58:20 GMT
Great post...
We don't know Pinks BF either.In fact, the person that ss thought was her bf, after a DNA test, turned out NOT to be Pinks bf. So nobody knows.
I have a name of my birth father, no photo. Nothing. He doesn't know I exist...I'm not sure what is worse. Knowing that you have a birth father, know about them, their vocation, their family history, their likes/dislikes. Or not knowing who they are.
Swimchic
|
|
