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Post by janpan on May 7, 2014 21:21:26 GMT
The latest escapade in our lives as adoptive parents has been the 'taking home' of stuff from school. Again. This time it was small living creatures. We narrowly avoided having our DD excluded for the second time, partly because we are clearly working hard with Therapeutic support to help her, and also because it simply didn't work last time and at last, the school is showing signs of understanding. Not that much though, they offered the services of bringing in the police to have a 'gentle' chat with her. School know that the police were involved in her traumatic removal from the birth family! What are they thinking. But they didn't exclude her, thank God. DS has an internal exclusion though. He is now nearly 15, in Y10 and is nasty to the younger kids. He was previously bullied and is now himself becoming a power expert, lashing out when slightly provoked as well as doing some downright mean things to younger children. He simply doesn't see that the rules of engagement are different for 7 year olds and he genuinely thinks they are fair game. He is to be out of lessons for the next two days for punching a Y7 child for very little provocation, if any at all. As an aside, they child's parent rang us up to complain and was a bit threatening. We are now such social pariahs. We are seen as outsiders and are unwanted by many people round here because we can't 'discipline' our kids. We used to be the centre of everything before our kids came home.  |
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Post by moo on May 8, 2014 5:58:00 GMT
Hugs janpan xx
Hope school start to step up,a bit more & work as hard as you are..... Perhaps they could start with more "give"....
xx hugs xxx
xxx. moo. Xx
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Post by pluto on May 8, 2014 7:58:58 GMT
Having a child with over developed feelings of entitlement myself, the school's idea might not be that 'bad'. Natural concequences (being 13) will soon catch up with her if she does not learn to keep her hands of other people's stuff. Than without you can do a thing the police will be involved and not for a 'gentle talk'.
I always portrai the police as good, (same removal issues plus wild ideas of police, guns, shooting etc) and they are there to help people. But you have to follow the rules of society (not stealing, hurting others etc) otherwhise you will be in trouble. And that is good also, you would not be happy if someone took your bicycle would you?, than the police would help you to get it back. And the people who took the bike are in a lot of trouble.
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Post by janpan on May 8, 2014 14:28:35 GMT
Yes, that's a good point Pluto. I am completely torn as to what to do. Our therapist is definitely of the soft eye therapeutic support parenting, where consequences are irrelevant and building trust and love is the way forward, and a stricter more consequential approach which is/was more obvious to us. Anyway today it has developed as DD has taken a Swiss Army Knife into school that she has found somewhere (at home, I hope) and has been 'play' threatening with it, so she has been excluded today for that. I am lost as to what to do. I need answers quick, and solutions don't come quickly for our kids. I like your reference to 'over developed feelings of entitlement) though ....  |
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 14:43:38 GMT
Hard to know what to advise not knowing your DD personally.
If you think it would help, you could contact the police. They have a teenage liasion officers who are used to dealing with teens, who could come out and have a chat with DD if you think she would listen or if it would help. They talk about consequences and what is likely to happen etc if DD continues to do anti social things etc. If not them maybe you need to think about accessing some CAMHS support although I don't rate CAMHS myself - don't know what they are like in your area. Sounds like you do need some help though.
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Post by mayan on May 8, 2014 14:58:58 GMT
Hi Janpan
Really sorry to read your news re your ds and dd - just a thought is there any opportunity for your ds to get on a scheme to work with rescue animals or somesuch - it might help calm him and importantly develop his empathy skills and give him a valuable chance to develop some work skills as he is 15 and his school life and education is being impacted. Failing that can you have a chat with your local community officer as they will be tapped into what is available in your patch that might help meet his needs - my ds struggled with his peer relationships at that age and school big time but developed his people skills by working with the elderly as a volunteer for his DoE - he felt safer with them and actually really helped him at a crucial time in his life - he was also really popular with the folk at the home too so a win win. For some of our kids the worst punishment has already occurred in their lives and they suffer the consequences every day so further punishment is a doddle in comparison and ineffective like water off a ducks back - so trying another approach - preferably with something physically active like mucking out stables carrying feed etc and building safe unthreatening relationships reduces their energy levels/anger in a positive way and they can focus on others rather than their own issues. Drama sessions can also be an effective safe release for some struggling with hormones /self esteem/aggression - if you feel good about yourself you don't need to make someone else feel cr&p after all. Worth a chat with Youngminds.co.uk as they might know of something suitable you might be able to access for him in your patch. My ds wouldn't engage effectively with counselling etc as he didn't feel he had a problem (everyone else had the problem...) so we had to go a little "off piste" to find something that would be a bit more custom made. There are also mentoring schemes that might be helpful for both.
Hugs to you - must be very draining juggling two of them at the moment - sibling rivalry in the attention gaining stakes when they are both adolescents struggling with their "stuff" is a whole new experience and not in a good way for many of us.
Love and strength
Mx
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Post by pluto on May 8, 2014 15:42:06 GMT
'where consequences are irrelevant and building trust and love is the way forward'
Very strange approach, the problem is natural concequences are implemented by society or others than yourself. (natural) Concequences are very relevant, because they just happen, that's part of living. And ones children reaches teen age years there will soon be a point that nobody cares about the childs history, and harsh concequences follow if the child does not follow the law.
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Post by janpan on May 8, 2014 16:45:24 GMT
When she nicked the creatures, through discussion with the therapist (Family Futures trained, Dyadic Developmental and Playtherapist) the therapeutic approach is to buy her more. That didn't sit naturally but I do see that the benefit is that Bee doesn't feel at all threatened, so is more likely to talk about what happened and why. So the 'consequence' is that she wanted more creatures, she nicked them so we're to go out and buy some instead - a reward in fact? But it is also true that it has made her feel safe and unthreatened, which means she is calm. She is 13 going on 8 really.
The trouble is I can't work it through clearly because it's such upside down parenting. I am drawn to consequences as you are right, it is life. But they and particularly Bee, is nowhere near ready for life - it's too scary out there, and certainly at school. I totally get the point about the law and worry about the future - what is she going to steal if a boyfriend finishes with her? But I'm told by everyone not to jump into the future.
But now I'm going to have to go right through the whole house, getting rid of anything that I'm not SURE belongs here cos I think she steals so much but can't be sure (explained as swaps), ban swaps, hide things that little magpie hands might want, things that could be taken into school. I already search her from time to time! What a bl**dy hassle on top of everything else. So difficult.
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Post by pluto on May 8, 2014 17:21:28 GMT
How insulting to say do not look into the future, soon you will be living it! We parent high risk children who are not 'cured' overnight, on top of that we adopters have only a few years before the child is 'adult' in the eyes of society. We know they are mentally 10, but they will be treated as adults, including in the legal system. I think it is very good to talk about those fears as they are not imagenary, I too am holding my breath with a child what is too good for disabilty services, yet is drowning in mainstream life.
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Post by mayan on May 10, 2014 16:15:52 GMT
Hugs Pluto - Holding my breath too - I sometimes wonder whether in helping our dd beyond her many and various challenges it has left her stranded in a kind of no mans land - well on my negative days when I am still struggling to move her forwards and not succeeding in budging her an inch that is - and especially when I see other folk being given some kind of help and she is not even eligible despite every day being an incredible struggle - to her huge credit she works hard and can drive but would struggle with living on her own because of her vulnerabilities but quirks and challenges apart she is kind of beating her own path through life despite the fact I wish there was some kind of extra support especially for when we are no longer around which is a real worry for me. I also know from our experience of direct contact and latterly ds being at his bm's that their siblings who remained with bm - have many and various challenges that haven't been addressed at all and now impact on the adult ones in particular in hugely significant ways - yes there are some services that are involved with them but nothing makes any difference or is sustained - so whilst things are far from perfect I know our dd has a chance at least and the trajectory may yet be different. It's just so hard some days I know and as you say the clock is on relentless countdown.
Just look after yourself and know you are giving her better chances than she would ever have had.
Much love and strength
Mxx
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Post by janpan on May 14, 2014 21:42:49 GMT
Just coming out of exclusion crisis as Bee back at school today. So now, all her few friends have now told her that they won't be her friend any more because they can't trust her and she is so dangerous.  Poor Bee, she is so sad. I have written to school asking for additional support but I don't think she can bear this. We are A. going to go after a Statement despite being told in the past we've no chance, because she needs a Special School or B. probably going to move her anyway. Again. |
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Poor Bee, she is so sad.