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Post by damson on May 2, 2014 16:12:26 GMT
Operation 'Form Character' underway. After a manic evening of purchasing and packing, with EN2 in full commanding officer mode, Arf2 is now on Duke of Edinburgh practice manoeuvre. Agent left 3hrs after dawn, bearing massive backpack of 'essentials'. Will commanding officers at Bootcamp inspect the contents? Or merely show up at campsite and remove contraband after it has been carried all day? Complete radio silence expected for 2 days or agent disqualified. ENs await photo montage of Agents larking about in the countryside, night shots of misdemeanours in tents, and just maybe, a teen struggling to wash up trashed trangier pans  No ablutions tent on campsite, so fetching camouflage pix also possible. |
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Post by peartree on May 2, 2014 19:30:03 GMT
Ah camp preserve
The duke of Edinburgh awards trials for ens are freely coming to mind
Be prepared for agent to -
1) loose all kit! Apart from unopened soap.
2) carry everyone's crab about & loose some of that too
3) have a wonderful time trooping across countryside and giggling at 'willy' jokes
4) run headlong down hill, slip on cow pat and land face to face with a dead sheep that you poke with a pointy stick
5) impale coat on barbed wire
6) stuff self silly with contraband & leave a trail hansel & Gretel would be proud of, rest the other side of the hill and get up to see a wired looking snorting sheep that built up steam on Doritos having seem his dearly departed mate poked with a stick...!
7) run like hell
8) arrive back at camp and enjoy molten marshmallows that destroy any taste buds the Doritos left behind
9) laugh at farting armpits around the campfire.
10) consider weekend a success and evil ens Insist on Immersion in warm soapy wet zone....!
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Post by peartree on May 4, 2014 13:07:28 GMT
The lunch time canon must have sounded as the orchard family have just started their ham roll rations
En1 has read comrade tokoloshes dispatch
Therefore attempting efforts to obtain medal DOMESTIC GODDESS
So far she has defended the overly ripe bananas in the hope if mushing them to create food of loveliness aka BANANA loaf
Further, fairy cakes have been demanded by the agents for PICNIC in the large woody southern zone tomorrow
Slight snag has been niff of powerful garlic
Ens should check ovens for garlic bread rations left after pizza consumption the night before .....
Arf agent has mentionned his gf might need to live in orchard confines to look for paid expeditions... Agent tells her it's free to live here ....
Hmmm....
Desperate search in arf manual for this scenario has so far been fruitless
Answers welcome
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Post by peartree on May 4, 2014 17:37:43 GMT
Attachment Deleted Here is pips class bear. Bear has got to engage with small persons activities all weekend, and is much converted by small agents and non agents alike. He goes home with 'the chosen one' for a weekend and miss pip is very pleased indeed to have Bear stay with us all bank holiday. we made 'farewee' cakes and yes most have already gone.... cant have been too bad! arf blossom has busied herself with various things this week but the major upset has come due to the lack of tabacco agent is addicted to the cancer sticks from shortly after joining the therapeutic community oh ens :-( i do hate it :-( arf blossom is, well arf blossom and I have to accept the fact that if she hadn't have started smoking at the tc then she would have started it under our watch here and possibly, (realistically- erm probably) torched the orchard long ago she's in no position to give up the yuk habit So contraband of ciggies has been provided in a way that prevents her selling self but now All has stopped so once again ens of the orchard feel like we are drug runners following the needs of a vulnerable wobbly agent for cigarette shaped mental health props en1 rang cavalry aunty to deliver the contraband under the berry bushes where she should find a packet of notage....! it felt like arranging a checkpoint Charlie spy package!!! Arf manual clearly states to Do everything to Stop young lady arfers being abused and as far as were concerned this trumps all other instructional edicts. Arf partridge is out in no mans land fixing up the orchard bikes for a ride on tomorrow. major excitement as all orchard is in attendance for operation picnic and bikes en has super dooper all terrain chariot booked up and raring to go :-) wonderdog will be pleased :-)
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Post by gilreth on May 4, 2014 19:49:41 GMT
Camp Nest reporting in from shore leave in far north - well actually not as far north as ENs have been in past. Little agent was very ARFish on first night away - refusing to sleep and crying lots, but EN1 is happy to report that other than going to sleep on floor by safety gate much less ARF behaviour tonight. EN2 has already retreated to the bunker where EN1 is about to join him as agent Sqk doesn't understand code 'lie-in' when on shore leave.
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Post by peartree on May 6, 2014 16:36:01 GMT
It's the eve before en1 pear tree escapes her duties and seeks solace in the arms of fellow ens for conference on all things boggling Arf partridge has therefore ramped up stuff by not showing up at orchard on time and may or may not have bunked off college Ens rations of 'chicken wraps' (suitably orchard class  rations ....) left abandoned Small pip person in no mans lAnd doing code 'planting' En2 and en1 deciding if it can be reheated later on if agent shows up In the meantime ens very excited about a 'night away' pass :-) |
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Post by pingu on May 7, 2014 14:26:28 GMT
Camp penguin reporting
Less hassle from ARF agent 2 since shore leave"Easter" finished.
Bootcamp are keeping ARF agent 1 busy with code "new famgled Scottish exam system Nat 4 and Nat 5 's " - ARF agent 1 feels like a furry agent of class " guinea pig" as this is the first year of new system and even the Bootcamp organisers aka teachers, don't know what the exact syllabus is !
ARF agent 1 off to MASH optician this afternoon with EN2 for glasses checkup. Fortunately kids don't pay for their spectacles as spondoolies still very short here, since government agencies cutbacks, and " the eceonomy, stupid"
EN1 enjoying supply tent latte and chocolate buttons from emergency rations!
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Post by peartree on May 18, 2014 15:40:29 GMT
Quick report for all avid readers of the arf
Agent blossom has been seen in the locality
Agent has been to see en1 and co for cuppa tea in no mans land
Agent is on crutches having spent some time baffling mash depts and getting X-rays
She's had an uppity time as one college has said no to giving her a place over the summer but thankfully the sept one remains intact, as does her YOT order...
Agent was dressed for the arctic and being 23 degrees she didn't even glow....
Agents are way to tough for things like heat.
ARF PARtridge is on love interest time and snogging face off female of choice being the order if the day.
The bus driver has complained about the 'goodbye' being inappropriate
Celestial division only knows what he's doing to her at the bus stop but if college bus drivers are complaining, it's got to have reached vomit raising levels...!
In the meantime
En1 has booked arf partridge a DRVING LESSON
And he's very keen indeed
Further there's a job that's come up that would be very good if he could get it.
It's doing gardening and at the very same boot camp he's at!
Hope all other camps enjoying the sunshine
En2 has a cold and so is major league man flu territory
Miserable victor meldrew mode.
Very glad he's not like this all the time!
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Post by damson on May 20, 2014 19:34:38 GMT
Operation GCSE in full swing.
Arf Agent1 reports cessation of regular hostilities at Bootcamp, as all agents, arf and non, are in similar straits.
All the more surprised then by sudden threats from an old enemy (who appears to have got rabid case of exam hysteria.) Usual total lack of comprehension about any possible causes of renewed hostilities.
Bootcamp support largely reduced to saying 'grow up' to both parties. Ha ha, they wish.
Operation Prom now visible at horizon, beyond GCSE assault course. Theme is Grease. What type of battledress will this involve? Surely not the demure flared skirt, blouse and cardigan with a bow in the hair version... So will it be the sewn into black trousers and crop top? The photos from that Prom are going to be priceless (in both senses.)
Will Bootcamp be supplying dance drill before the Prom? Or does no 16 year old female agent ever dance with a 16 year old male agent?
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Post by peartree on May 26, 2014 11:36:35 GMT
Good afternoon all camps It's a soggy lunchtime in the orchard and with downpours like this it can only be one thing..yes! A British bank holiday Monday The barmy news that we are in fact voting in a bunch of 'nice politicians' to represent our overseas connections hasn't gone down well in the orchard The agent of 18 yrs had his first vote He didn't vote for thems Therefore the fact that they got in is clearly not fair En pointed out that she didn't vote for them either Nor did en2. Arf agent is therefore totally mystified about it Ens are preparing traditional Fayre for bank holiday in the rain yes BBQ Gazebo and brollies festoon no mans land and there's going to be a total of 10 damp persons squeezed into our humble abode sheltering from the driving rains Still All is not lost We have en1's BBQ chicken marinade and some good looking bangers with salad going on Wonderdog has got a bone of his very own We even have fizzy :-) Arf blossy is going to come As is agent partridges GF alongside miss Pips 2 littler friends and en1&2s friends Hoping for a game of 'pass the pigs' and 'charades' before hypothermia sets in or the bbqing men get trench foot.... Grease is a golden chance for embarrassing your offspring with future hideous photos Hope camp damson is in back combing practice |
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Post by peartree on May 26, 2014 19:04:15 GMT
Sausages consumed with abandon and fun and giggles had in abundance Agent blossom really seemed to do so well Social things with agents brother & gf are a struggle But she popped in & out Played nicely with the little ones and impressed all by her piano tinkling At the end she did a lot of bobbing and tip tapping which is arf code for 'I can't hold it together anymore' And we said is it time to go? And she had the ability to say yes & do kisses. En1 tried her best to make a cake of non gluteness as comrade (non arf) has celiacs En always runs out of something... Rice flour being rather key and so plonked ground almonds in there... Satsumas instead of passionfruit and lemon bung it in.. Sadly for en cake making is an art form that requires precision and although it tasted yummy we all giggled that it's aesthetics were very 'sculptural' and perhaps everyone would benefit from spoons to eat with! Arf blossy continues to be very 'active' this evening Cavalry auntie has been summonsed to dispatch tabacco of desire...shrewd move as agent is attempting the get ciggies a few days ahead of time action.... Arf partridges love interest has arrived in what en can only describe as a basque top with vest underneath Non arf pip suggested she needed something warmer on and her look has been somewhat altered by the addition of a hello kitty dressing gown of plushness hehehe Thankfully arf partridges gf is actually lovely Much love to all camps |
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Post by damson on May 26, 2014 19:18:09 GMT
Eek! Back combing! Way toooo close to nit removal procedures for Arf Agent1!
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Post by peartree on May 27, 2014 16:48:13 GMT
Very sage move in the camp T and rather disappointed that camp preserve isn't building up static for mega quiff production.
Arf partridge has been truly arf today and en1 is close to braining agent
Agent is insecure
Gf is round
Agent and gf have done en1 a favour
Taken non arf piplet to show making day 1 going to day 2 tomorrow
Agent is SUPERMAN
Agent requires NO MAPS
NO BUS TIMETABLES
NOOOOOO these things are for meer mortals
So he's been rescued twice by the battle tank and a cross parent as he's lost in wrong place at wrong time at both, yes both ends of the day.....
En2 is off collecting arf P
And en1 is going to mutter to herself into the risotto....
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Post by damson on May 28, 2014 15:45:37 GMT
Sometime yesterday, helpful Arf agent 2 unloaded the mechanised mess cleaning device, putting away clean (?) mess kit...
This morning, EN1, in full pre-departure for work, came to set device going, only to find no electronic response. Any failure of uniform cleaning, drying, mess kit cleaning or ration refridgeration brings massive panic from ENs and Agents alike. ENs in quiet panic mode, extracted duff fuse, and waited heroically for the dirty water in the bottom to be pumped out. Then left for work with fingers crossed behind their backs in case mess residues have stuffed the pump.
EN1 home to find device already emptied, and reloaded with fresh dirty ration tins and no sign of either dirty water or Agent. Rather relieved, but wondering what fraction of mess equipment has a liberal coat of material suitable for bacterial growth.
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Post by peartree on May 28, 2014 21:50:18 GMT
Mysterious that arf agent has left residuals for en1 in camp preserve to scoop about with.... Impressed that the mechanical device was in use for washing/ drying agent clobber... That it blew a fuse trying to shift the accumulated gloop that must have been Baaaad!
En would like to know secret of getting agent to put kit / allow kit to go near washing machines....very which onesie currently on agent and en1 has noticed she can smell agent coming downstairs before she sees him (ewwwww!)
Arf blossom is coming over to see long lost friend of next village loveliness. This non agent is arf blossoms friend and they do "normal" giggly girls who are 16 stuff. Cue visit to large discounted shops of female attire....
En is pleased agent can hold it together for 3 hrs and a bus trip :-) progress indeed.
Arf partridge has found that even superman might need a map and a bus timetable to find way in & out of local municipal zone. This has been learned code "the hard way" but due to presence of gf the harrumphing was only short lived and second helpings of the rib sticking chicken risotto helped a great deal to soothe family relations
The wonderdog has revealed his weakness, unlike superman and cryptonite it's much scarier.... Yes! It's the horrible scarey Henry Hoover!
Sends my leggy fella into a snugly heap right next to mummy
Awwww
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Post by peartree on May 29, 2014 20:20:46 GMT
Good evening comrades
Very strange happening in orchard camp:
Co-operative smiling 18 yr old
Can I make you a cuppa tea mum question has been gleefully responded to
I missed you today mum
On a text smoke signal whilest out with gf on way home
Apologies for being later than arranged and honest yes truly honest about how he'd got himself into a pickle and was sorry
He LOOKS like agent partridge
But there's got to be a secret cloning project of sorts going on ?
Maybe like Kevin and Perry of the delicious Harry Enfield comedy years- having a steady gf is starting to make him into a more functional person....?
Or, he's wanting something & needs mum & dad sweet...which is the most probable answer but it's been nice to have this 'normal & nice" teen around today :-)
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Post by peartree on May 30, 2014 22:10:30 GMT
Ahhh, suspect plot has been discovered
agent partridge is starting to learn to drive a battle tank, (next fri= D-day)
we have several battle tanks within the reach of the orchard family but the most obvious target is en2s battle tank being a small manual hatch back about 5 yrs old. En1 is to persuade en2 to allow agent to practice driving his battle tank inbetween lessons...
en2 has mentioned some highly colourful phrases which I've fed into the orchard translation machine and in essence "not on your nelly sonny Jim" gives you the gist
Arf partridge tried to encourage outlying areas of orchard to add to the pressures of his request or else land him the battle tank of cavalry(ish) uncle and aunt from nearby hip young funky town....arf agent would like their hip young funky battle tanks.... En pointed out this is because they work and have no kids....! Hip and funky couple of uncle and aunt variety have visited the orchard for this evenings mess meal.
agent has explained his thinking about battle tanks and that he can be driving in a few short hours and will breeze through all tests, what does he need to read that poxy Highway Code for ? That's for losers who can't guess how it all works.... Blah de blah blah mr bravado....
(En1 suspects this means agent is rather worried about learning to drive battle tanks, he's probably lost the Highway Code stuff I got him and is in a knot about the whole thing)
Cavalry uncle has explained it's a good call for code "personal development" and the illusive arf holy grail "self belief" to in fact save up spondoolies and purchase battle tank of the "old banger" variety....
en1&2 brightened considerably at this idea and agent has started his brain going on "get old battle tank of my own" idea.... Although he'd rather bludgeon his ens into willing gift of battletank use.....
Planning is afoot to take arf, non arf and wonderdog to local animal encampment of interest.... Picnic planned so please shove up. Prayer or two to celestial division to make the weather nice for Sunday
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rations ....) left abandoned 