bigredbus
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 30
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Post by bigredbus on Mar 30, 2014 6:08:56 GMT
Been told i have to lay in today.. Hard as i don't sleep well and my mind whirls the minute I wake...but will do as i'm told and stay in bed...
know they'll be a clatter in the kitchen and a cup of tea soon... Am very blessed.
but i also find it such a sad, sad day. Thinking about her birthmother, how she must feel today. It breaks my heart as she didn't willfully hurt her and i believe she really loves her... Just truly isn't able to be a parent due to her own issues... Can't look after herself let alone a needy child.
today, like any "special occasion", my dd can't handle the attention being on anyone else, so it's a waiting game of when (not if) the big meltdown will come.
feel pretty sad. Everything really hard at the moment and feel like such a rubbish mum.
have to put that smiley face on though, pretend it's all good - but i really just want to cry.
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Post by Ad-minnie! on Mar 30, 2014 6:40:18 GMT
Having such empathy for bm and being attuned to how your dd is likely to react shows you are a great mum. Adoptive parenting can be very hard in so many ways with both the challenges it brings and emotions it evokes. So be kind to yourself.
Have always felt Mothering Sunday highlights peoples loss relating to mothers and children.
Big hugs ... And once again, be kind to yourself
Minnie x
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Post by moo on Mar 30, 2014 6:43:26 GMT
Ditto from me as Minnie I have such respect for your sentiments.....
Lets all try to enjoy our day.... Adoption always seems so bitter sweet...
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by flowerpower on Mar 30, 2014 7:19:45 GMT
I do struggle to have empathy for anyone that has harmed the people I love, and I do know all our children came in to the care system for lots of different reasons but nearly all of them have been damaged by it, so well done you for being able to have empathy for BM. One of ours had already had her first melt down and I am not out of bed yet, her sister thought her melt down was funny so that made it worse. She has come back in to me and said it is going to be a grumpy Mother's Day, o and can I have some of your chocolate please
We have two girls they are both 6 now and have been with us since nov 2011 FP xxx
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Post by loadsofbubs on Mar 30, 2014 8:08:35 GMT
i share your sentiments big red bus, right down to the not liking to lie in bed when awake and feeling fragile. not just my own ambivalence towards the day and what it represents but is the first year since i fostered babies where i have both a birth and adoptive mother in the picture for a baby in my care and the knowledge that BM is absolutely distraught and very likely to go completely off the rails today while somewhere out there the prospective mum will be crossing fingers and toes and celebrating and feeling joy is a bit hard to deal with (hard becoz its on top of other feelings more than for itself if that makes sense). hey ho, tis only one day. but to those who enjoy it have a good one and to those who don't, may it pass by quickly and quietly.
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 30, 2014 9:24:24 GMT
And to quote my youngest AS, beautifully hand written on a scarp of paper, 'Thank you for taking me when no-one else would.' Personally I think Mother's Day is so painful for so many people for so many reasons that it shouldn't happen.
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Post by shadow on Mar 30, 2014 9:50:11 GMT
Its a sort of relief now shadette has gone knowing it can be completely ignored and no meltdowns/feelings about her BM (she will still have the feelings about her mum but I am not there as a complication)- but I feel sad that we never managed normal family life however hard we tried - and seeing MD stuff everywhere rubs that in
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Post by sockthing on Mar 30, 2014 10:17:44 GMT
Love to you all. Adopters truly are a sensitive and thoughtful bunch. As for foster carers, my admiration has no limits!
Esty, that brought a lump to my throat - how poignant, and sad. Thank goodness he has you xxx
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Post by imp on Mar 30, 2014 11:49:21 GMT
I'm sitting here cuddling a tiny one, wondering how BM is feeling so soon after birth. with no baby to care for. OK, it is the right decision, but she is a Mum who is incapable of parenting more because of circumstances than from any deliberate act of her own. I also have our other LO playing happily---who SHOULD be adding to an Adoptive mummy's joy today, but that mummy just hasn't appeared yet. Happy Mothering Sunday? For some, certainly, and enjoy without guilt. For others, may you just survive, xxxxxxx
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Post by cowgirl on Mar 30, 2014 12:03:31 GMT
What a complicated day !
My own mum at 75 is consumed with sorrow about her own mum.
My brother who is separated has his daughter whilst my ex sister in law sits at home alone.
For so many on the infertility road it's hard
We all have people we know who struggle.
Thinking of you all.
Xxxx
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 30, 2014 12:26:26 GMT
Gosh how I hate all these 'special days/dates'! In general it's all about commercialism anyway. I tend to ignore them if I possibly can. Maybe I'm missing out on good stuff but at least I'm avoiding the melt downs as well.
I'm sad that so many people have such ambivalent feelins about today - my thoughts are with you all.
So far today I don't think that Stig even knows it IS mothers' day - he's too busy processing the hour change.
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Post by loadsofbubs on Mar 30, 2014 14:51:58 GMT
i'll take that honourary nationality tokoloshe! when i got up this morning my no.1 surrogate daughter texted me to have a good day, as did her mum (one of my best friends) thanking me for being her daughters second 'mum'. at church a little later my no. 2 surrogate daughter gave me a huge hug, went off into a corner somewhere, rang the restaraunt she was having lunch with her family at, spoke to her mum and then came back to invite me for sunday lunch with the family. my two oldest children have not been in contact and my AS who ahs been talking about MD all week becoz of the ads on tv has said nothing about it today. to be fair none of my children have ever really acknowledged MD, their dad never encouraged them to when he lived with us and i never did it when i'd left him becoz there is something a bit sad in having to organise your own MD card and gift and pay for it too! so i shouldn't complain they don't do anything now. but some times it would be nice, they are all adults now and capable of thinking about other people and how hard is it to email your mother even if you don't phone?. thank heavens for the two 'surrogate' daughters.
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Post by justbserene11 on Mar 30, 2014 14:55:07 GMT
Some very heartfelt posts. Hugs to all xxxxxxxx And I think tokolsohe's idea is brilliant!
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Post by flowerpower on Mar 30, 2014 16:22:10 GMT
Not been to bad after all, but glad it is coming to an end very emotional. two lovely cards from ADs card from BD and a text from BS and RIP BS number 2 missed every day but the pain is more today. Mum and mum in law visited Xxxx hope the rest of you are doing ok
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 30, 2014 19:17:28 GMT
Well for a moment today I was getting 'The Tolerant of Children Award' but lost the award soon after for putting my foot down on fussing over what to eat at tea! I am earning it back though by letting him watch the end of Home Alone even though it's past bedtime!The Big One has wihinged all day and none of it to do with it being Mothers' day just he wasn't happy with what we were doing (Beamish Museum) and would rather have been at home in front of the TV. Took next door neighbour but one who had her eyebrows raised on a few occasions and we were both patting ourselves on the back for ignoring the blatant wind ups! She's well trained ;-)
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Post by mudlark on Mar 30, 2014 19:38:05 GMT
My first mothers day....two cards made by Lapwing and Peewit and flowers which they bought with help from Mr Mudlark...they were excited to give me the surprises this morning...we went to a mothers day service with my mother and step father and then lunch and walk in the sunshine. I already knew that this day might be difficult for them, it didn't get difficult till this evening. Lapwing out of sorts and I just knew she was thinking about her BM, she was, and so we said a prayer for her BM, which helped a bit. Lapwing looked so sad. But she gave me an enormous hug afterwards. But all in all I liked Mothers day, it drove home even harder the need for me to be the best mum I can possibly be for these two little ones. As someone else has said these special days, including Christmas and birthdays are all so loaded and sadly they always will be....
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Post by nzhb on Mar 31, 2014 11:19:47 GMT
My DD & I had a few minutes silence together to hold BM in our heads & our hearts, as we knew she would being thinking about my DD & vice versa ( even tho DD can't remeber her). I also thought about my friend who is childless not by choice, & my mum who died 18 months ago.
I agree - this false jolity re mothers day is commercialism , no less.
Many mothers will have no idea the emotions lots of us go through in the name of 'making profit'.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 12:15:34 GMT
Like a lot of things on Planet Adoption, I'm just glad it's over for another year. I heard nothing at all from EDD - complete radio silence, despite her telling YDD that she was going to phone me, that she was sorry etc. - NADA! I suppose she just couldn't bring herself to do it when push came to shove, but however, there is a small glimpse of hope as I was sitting in school reception this morning before her PEP meeting and was talking to the SW about YDD's latest escapades, with my back to the passageway and front door, when EDD, made a point of coming over and saying a shy hello to me. I hadn't seen her approach, (so she could have avoided me and didn't which was nice). I filled up when I saw how much she had grown, she is as tall as me now and looks much more mature (also heard from care home that she finally became a woman this week), so I suppose the fact that I am not part of that and she hasn't told me herself, made me feel like I've lost my little girl, missed another chunk of her life. Anyway YDD did come round yesterday with a card for me which she had made herself, she then made cupcakes which I had to eat two of despite being just finished my breakfast and then it all went downhill into her making demands for money to buy energy drinks and it culminated with her taking back the Mothers Day card and leaving to go back to the Foster Carers and then going AWOL for 8.5 hours until she was found by a lady wandering around alone in woods in Dorking!!!! I will update on the ASB, when I get a chance, but as I have already had to attend a meeting at school this morning and have just finished a 2 hour meeting with new SW, I am trying to catch up with things on here and need to eat something as I had nothing to eat yesterday. Mothers Day should be banned. Every day is mothers day - we don't get a day off, even if our kids don't live with us, it's endless. What's the next commercial rip off - Easter? How about we start an Adopters Day for all us survivors who don't ever get any credit for the carp we have to deal with and the fallout from all the other so called celebrations that we bear the brunt of. Only another 364 days until the next one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2014 12:45:56 GMT
Am now sitting here in floods of tears as I have just had a phone call from school to say that EDD had made a cake in food tech this morning and she asked her teacher if she could give it to me, her Mum.
School have just phoned me to ask me to come and collect it from reception and I am crying my eyes out.
It is a sign that the cold war may be ending. EDD seems to have turned a corner and it's her way of telling me she's sorry.
I am filled with hope and desperately want to see her and give her a hug. I've missed my little girl so much. Sorry I've got to go now.
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Post by moo on Mar 31, 2014 13:14:21 GMT
Oooohhhhhh Jmk so hope this is the start if the 'thaw'
Yum yum cake....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by sockthing on Mar 31, 2014 13:22:25 GMT
Oh Jmk, your last 2 posts have made me want to cry for you ! What an emotional wringer you've been through in the last 2 days alone...never mind the weeks/months.
So sorry yesterday was so hurtful in the end. But so touched and pleased to hear EDD wanted to give you the cake, no wonder you are in floods of tears. It sounds as though she has been living in a very confusing place in her head recently. She clearly DOES want you, she's just in an emotional maelstrom (and dragging you in too!). Maybe being parented from a distance has made her realise that you really ARE always there for her, and also gave her the distance emotionally and mentally to think a bit more clearly about what you mean to her.
Glad YDD found safe too she sounds as though she's heading into the turmoil EDD began.
Big hugs. You are doing so well, hang on in there.
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Post by pingu on Mar 31, 2014 18:45:06 GMT
Sad for those who find it a difficult day. I used to ignore it pre kids because it was difficult for me having no kids, but now I enjoy the rare appreciation of what I do, and the fact that both my kids love me and want to acknowledge that on this day. It gives me a good feeling. Neither of mine has a big emotional link with bm, ds1 is angry at his and adamant that I am his mum, something I thought might change when he met up with her recently, but his feelings were reinforced by her behaviour when he visited some other birth relatives Ds2 , less sure what goes on in his head, but he doesn't show any emotional link to bm, was berated and ignored by her, and only occassioanlly refers to her at all,, always in a matter of fact way, and as his first mum. Both ds1 and ds2 are clear that I am their mum and I am just thankful because I so wanted them. so it's a happy day for me at the moment. I do think however, in these days of equality, , that we should have a parents and carers day , not just a Mother's Day, and I do like the idea someone mentioned of an adopters day !!!
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 31, 2014 19:38:30 GMT
That's nice news jmk. Hope things continue to improve between you. :-)
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 31, 2014 19:54:43 GMT
Ohh jmk... Hope your enjoyed your cake and that it is a new beginning
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Post by mudlark on Mar 31, 2014 21:35:26 GMT
I was going to start a thread called 'mothers day fall out'...dear oh dear...my first mothers day was followed by my first day after mothers day..terrible...lapwing completely anxious , melt downs, peewit, aggressive, super aggressive like I have never seen him, all awful...lots on mention of BF. We did all get through it...but it was hard on the children, they are so confused and so anxious..i know lots of the time, although they were poor at parenting both LO's wish to be back with their birth mum and dad.... its tough for them...I can feel our LO's guilt at starting to like us.....and their confusion at why BM let them go....
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Post by sivier on Mar 31, 2014 22:02:24 GMT
Such a hard day for so many people. My AD doesn't remember or refer to BM yet but I know the day will come when Mother's Day is more difficult and loaded for her and am not looking forward to it.
(Hugs, jmk. So much going on in the past couple of days, huge stuff. Hope you are okay this evening).
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Post by kizim on Apr 1, 2014 9:19:51 GMT
Mothers Day is not 'til May here in Turkey...but it does not seem to cause a problem...or my two do not make the connection between me and their bmums. When they were little Ä° used to include BM's in the day in some way...but over the years it seems to havejust become my day.
JMK - your msj's reduced me to tears for you...sadness at the 1st and hope at the 2nd. Ä° cannot imagine how it feels to be in that situation when they are still so damn young....altho Ä° have experienced my life exploding and shattering in different ways...but that you always have something to give others is a reflection of your character. How lucky those girls are.
Ä° really hope this is a turning point that continues beyond Mothers Day
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arethstar
New Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 29
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Post by arethstar on Apr 1, 2014 19:37:49 GMT
I seem to have spent Mother's Day flitting between the WPB and GPB! I think last year she was still a bit too shell shocked to properly process it all. This year... Starling wanted so desperately to celebrate it. She's been excited for the last two weeks keeping secret gifts made at school and Beavers. She really really wanted to be good... but she was also bitterly sad at not being able to make and give presents to BM. SO we had moments of winding each other up and losing our cool - and some lovely therapeutic chats about it all. Plenty of good fun moments too! The shame has kicked in though as she remembers Sunday as a bad day while I try to remind her that most of it was actually pretty good! Poor thing. It's sometimes very hard to let her say the terrible things she's feeling without jumping in with "No you're not!" or "Yes you are!"
jmk - I hope the cake tastes good for the hope it represents!
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Post by shadow on Apr 2, 2014 5:31:05 GMT
as I guessed - birth mu got a loving message on FB- I got nothing
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Post by cowgirl on Apr 2, 2014 9:15:35 GMT
Gentle hugs shadow
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