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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 25, 2014 23:26:41 GMT
On very rare occasions I can't be home when Stig is due from school. When I'm not going to be here my friend - who has been around since Stig was tiny and who he knows and trusts - comes to our house and is here when Stig gets home. I always tell Stig in advance and he always seems ok about it.
However I always arrive home to discover that Stig has misbehaved in some fairly major way - usually at school and usually something that requires me to get involved in sorting out.
I used to joke about me 'having to pay' for my outing but it is getting very wearing.
The reason I tell Stig in advance is because he is a born worrier and if he came home to find my friend instead of me I'm worried that he'd be worried every day that I might not be here when he gets in. BUT I'm getting awfully fed up of coming home to a crisis. My friend has suggested that I don't warn him in advance but, my gut feeling, is that this would be wrong for Stig. But maybe I've got it wrong, maybe he worries all day when he knows I'm not here for him and it would be better for him not to know in advance.
What do other people think?
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Post by moo on Mar 26, 2014 6:05:17 GMT
I always try to trust my gut but when I was reading your post my immediate thought was to try a one off 'no heads up ' for stig & see what happens.... Maybe the fallout has become his control or appropriate response for him iykwim... ( unconsciously).... How about a white lie after the event.... " it came up unexpectedly & I wanted to surprise you coz I thought you would understand " " I wasn't that late back & look what I found for you while out coz I am so impressed how you have coped "? i do think you are right he is prolly worrying all day & other stuff happens coz of it.....
What could be wrong with giving it a try out??? You would at least see a different angle.... Hth
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by donatella on Mar 26, 2014 8:18:45 GMT
It's a really difficult balance isn't it? Generally I prepare middly for any change to routine as much as I can however it has backfired more than once! So how I make a judgement. On our last hospital visit I didn't tell him till we were on our way - he'd kicked off spectacularly on a previous occasion when I had prepared him.
My instinct would be to try not telling him.
His behaviour in school may be anxiety related, on the other hand it may be his way of trying to control you. If I kick off enough times then you'll stop going out? My son used to kick off every Thursday morning without fail - because I was going to the gym and wouldn't be accessible. He likes to think I'm at home for him always!
The thing is the current plan isn't working so you could try a different tack. Have you talked to him? Told him that you're onto him? I find that sometimes taking back control of a situation and being very straight with my son that his behaviour will not change my plans can work.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 8:20:59 GMT
I agree with Moo. If he knows in advance he probably kicks off at school "because" of it. If he knows your friend really well and she explains as soon as he gets in that Mum is fine, that you're just doing whatever, then he should have no worries and at least if he does, he is at home with your friend who I assume knows how to handle him.
I do think it could be a control thing. He likes to know you are there, even if he is happy at school.
I remember when mine went full time at school and I went back to work part time. I was still dropping them both to school every day, rushing off to work, and rushing back for pick up time. Nothing changed for them. I was there at the beginning and end of their school day as normal. But in the first week, about day two or three, I got a phone call from school to say EDD was in the sick bay saying she didn't feel well and could Mum come and take her home. I chatted to the lady, explaining how it was a co-incidence that I had just started back at work two days earlier. EDD was NEVER sick. It was a control/insecurity thing. She knew I wasn't sitting there at home waiting for her and she didn't like it. So I told lady to tell DD that I would be there as usual after school to pick her up at the normal time, and guess what, after a half hour in sick bay, her sickness disapPeared. She was trying it on to see if she could get me to come and get her and when I didn't she got on with it and never tried it again.
If I were you, next time, I wouldn't tell him and would see how it goes. at least you can see how he copes, and if you know your friend can handle him, why worry him in the first place. You do have a right to a life now and again you know.
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Post by justbserene11 on Mar 26, 2014 8:23:50 GMT
I agree with the others. What is there to lose if you don't tell him (I would possibly do this more than once)? Also, as Donatella says maybe a bit of straight talking. It obviously needs to stop as you have every right to go out.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 8:28:59 GMT
Just thinking, Maybe if you do a few trial runs before you actually do have to be somewhere. Like if you get your friend to be there for him someday when you are close by in a cafe or somewhere you can get back home quickly if need be. Then your friend can see how he copes and if she needs you she can phone you and you can get home quickly. If you do this, a few times, i.e Mum will be home in an hour or whatever, then he will get used to it and then when you do have to be somewhere for a bit longer, hopefully he will have adjusted to you not always being there when he gets in. Some trial runs and practice might help, but don't tell him it's a practice in advance IYSWIM. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.
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Post by donatella on Mar 26, 2014 8:30:11 GMT
drdavewalsh.com/posts/165Bruce Perry says that we need to introduce low levels of stress in manageable sizes so that we help our children cope better in the long term
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 26, 2014 8:35:32 GMT
I would go out without telling him but arrange to be back within half an hour with a reward (material or not whatever floats his boat) for being so grown up about your delay. I wouldn't get into any other conversation just how grown up he was then get on with evening as normal. That way the emphasis is on the positive and it's a true picture of life. It cannot all be planned in advance. Other things have to happen and he will be safe.
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 26, 2014 8:49:59 GMT
Thanks - maybe I'm just being over protective. I don't think that Stig is doing this consciously - he is very impulsive and rarely thinks through the consequences of what he is doing. I don't think he's trying to control me (not even subconsciously) I just think that, because he knows I'm not at home waiting for him, he finds it more difficult to regulate his behaviour.
Thinking back I remember that he really struggled when he started school - most of the others took their kids on the first day, stayed for about an hour, then left. I ended up staying all day (on the advice of staff). He used home-school transport and never did manage to cope if I ever had to take him myself and leave him but he managed the home-school transport pretty quickly. Knowing I was at home waiting for him helped him feel secure.
He has a great fear of abandonment abd my worry is that if I'm not here once (when he expects me to be) it will make him even more fearful. Although, thinking about it with my head instead of my heart, maybe me NOT being here a few times but always coming home might be a good plan. I read the article donatella posted and it's brought it home to me that Stig does need to be able tpo handle significant people in his life having a life of their own.
I like jmk's idea of a gradual introduction to 'Mom isn't always here when I get home but someone will alwys be there for me and Mom will always return' and esty's idea of a small reward but no big fuss.
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 26, 2014 9:11:32 GMT
Or you could go out telling him but it's you going to get something he really wants telling him 'the only way you can do it is if he's sensible and grown up'. Or perhaps teacher could tell him ten mins b4 end of school 'your mums just rung. She's got to get ..... So and so will be at home and your mum will be back in ten minutes after you get home'. This way he's warned in advance and has little time to work up about it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 9:23:01 GMT
Thing is Twoplustwo, he does really need to get used to it, because there may come a time when something crops up and you can't be there, like if you had to go into hospital or something like that, so you really do need him to get used to you not being there occasionally, so that it wouldn't be a massive shock to him if he did come home some day and you weren't there.
Perhaps, if your friend was willing you could make it a weekly event, where say every wednesday, you go out and do something for yourself, have a swim, see a film, whatever, and then you always return home at 6pm or the agreed time.
That way Stig does know about it in advance - "wednesday is Mums day for swimming", but she always comes home by 6pm.
It's a bit like puppy training in a way. Stig does need to learn that Mum has a right to do something for herself as he is now a teenager,and needs to accept that Mum can't always be there 24/7. He needs to learn to trust that you will come back, a bit like a toddler has to learn when they start nursery that you will return.
Perhaps he could be part of this discussion that wednesday is "Mums day" to do something for herself.
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Post by sockthing on Mar 26, 2014 9:35:09 GMT
Lots of sympathy twoplustwo. Kipper is like this, at a younger level. Especially in regards the fear of being forgotten/left behind, mummy not accessible, abandonment....call it what you will.
I know people are saying its a control thing , but I think that controlling behaviour stems from anxiety anyway. So whether it's "anxious" or "controlling" in flavour, it still stems from anxiety.
Can you do something like practicing in manageable , less scary timescales - SOOO, friend is there before you, but you arrive 5 minutes later, so he doesn't have too much time to be freaked. Do that for a couple of times, then increase the time to 10 or 15 minutes.. And then build it up incrementally? Then friend being there is routine.
With regards telling him, I have had the same issues with integrating Kioper at nursery, and things like visiting the paediatrician. Can you try not telling him in the morning, but sending him a text message (?) or message via school, about an hour before hand? Then he's forewarned but not got all day to stew on it.
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Post by kizim on Mar 26, 2014 9:38:49 GMT
Ä°t's so hard isn't it? You don't want to just not be there - and have your friend deal with a melt down or break his fragile trust in you. Maybe you could do it gradually ie you could not tell him in advance but be there with your friend when he comes home from school and explain you are going out for an hour but she will stay with him. Do this every other time until he gets used to it. From there, over time Stig could come home to find you and friend there to just your friend there with a note (and a treat) to him from you explaining you will be back in half an hour. Ä° think the shock of always telling him to just not being there may be too much for him. Ä° am thinking of when Whizz was a baby Ä° would leave the room and come back so that she would learn that she was not being abandoned.
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Post by donatella on Mar 26, 2014 10:47:57 GMT
It is so hard. My middly is the one who really doesn't cope well with any sort of change. Having me at home - even when he's not here - is what grounds him and makes him feel safe so I do understand your quandary. You want to be there for your child and to make life as pain free as possible. But. You can't be there all the time. Very occasionally your needs have to come first. And things crop up which will take you away. When I did Earlybird training we were advised to plan, prepare as much as possible but also to accept that sometimes things wouldn't go to pons and there would be a meltdown. But maybe next time, having realised the world didn't end, the meltdown would be less intense.
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Post by sooz on Mar 26, 2014 13:15:54 GMT
I'm going to have to disagree with the not forewarning him thing.
My ds has freaked, and I mean really freaked, when once I was not stood in the playground waiting, I was 30 seconds late, and once when I felt ill during the day and my mum went to pick him up and he wasn't expecting it. My mum was sobbing by the time she got him home and all the other mums were coming up to the next day saying omg was snooz ok??
We are a couple of years on from that and until recently he was still checking I'd be there to pick him up. Enough stress going on there.
However, he is totally fine if he knows in advance I won't be there, so no extra hassle on that score here.
If plans have changed while he's at school then I ring the school and ask them to let him know. This seems ok for ds, so could be an option for you?
I don't think it's control, I do think it's stress, but I also think you need to carry on living your life too. It may be something he can never get used to but hopefully learn how to manage his anxiety a bit.
Have you had a word with school at all? I try to let school know that ds 'might' be a bit unsettled today because of x or y, and sometimes he's been ok and sometimes not, but school just keep an eye on it and adjust his day accordingly.
I'm going out tonight, ds is never overly happy when I'm going out but I still go, he gets to sleep on my side of the bed until I come home. Seems to help! Lol xx
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Post by leo on Mar 26, 2014 22:04:49 GMT
Is there any way you would be able to contact him while he is on the way home from school or speak to him on the school phone just before he leaves - so it does let him have some notice and he knows you have not abandoned him.
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