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Post by Ad-minnie! on Sept 18, 2013 19:12:16 GMT
Just need a vent (sorry everyone!!!). Tired, emotional (long story!!! but not LO related!!!). And, wondering what happened to that wonderful support network I drew for my SW???!!! Know this is minor - but to add, a friend who came round ... for support ... just got in a strop!!! And, left in a huff!!! Fed up of explaining why I do some of the parenting things I do.
Massive apologies for vent. And especially as its pretty minor in the scheme of things. But nice to vent here!!!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2013 19:20:05 GMT
You vent away Minnie. People away from Plane Adoption will never get it, they don't live our lives and they don't understand. Hugs to you xx The only support I have ever got is from other adopters - They "get it" and you don't have to explain and that is worth it's weight in gold - Sooooo glad you started this site. 
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Post by moo on Sept 18, 2013 19:30:13 GMT
Ditto bop, jmk.... I think all my support network bar a few have completely vanished..... 
The ones I thought would always be there were in fact the first to leave.....  Bizarre as they were s/s support staff!!!!! 
Just couldn't handle not be the object of attention..... Really taught me a very hard learned lesson. 
Vent away girl this site is magic... Thanx  We are all here for each other... We all get it upfront no explanation required!! 
We are exactly what it says on the tin.... ' surviving residents from planet adoption ' 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by vickyvixen on Sept 18, 2013 20:21:05 GMT
It is funny that I actually feel closer to some of those I met on my prep course than to some of those in my support group! It is refreshing not having to explain anything as they just know - and the same is true of the people here on the boards. Vent away Minnie, we are each other's support network  |
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Post by mr.vml3m on Sept 18, 2013 20:25:29 GMT
Same here too! We always knew there would be some casualties on the way, but I never expected it to be family.
Both my wife's brothers have walked away as they "don't agree with what we have done", and our daughters are not "their nieces" and we are just glorified baby-sitters!!
{jaw drops to the floor and stays there for some considerable time}
Of course, this is from her perfect brothers who both have 3 children each, 2 failed marriages and never see any of their kids at all............ what did I expect?
It is sad when your support network just fails to materialilse, but then again you do find out who your friends are, and some from really surprising places! Luckily we have very supportive and helpful friends, and adoring grand-parents,............. just no Uncles!
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Post by leo on Sept 18, 2013 20:29:17 GMT
Oh Minnie, I'm so sorry that your friend was not understanding. Do you think she'll be capable of a bit of self reflection when she gets home? (and maybe then apologise and be more supportive?)
It is a sad fact that I think most adopters end up losing people from their lives - but new ones do come in time and those then are ones who understand your lifestyle and choices from the beginning. Doesn't stop it hurting and being hard when current friends and family let you down though!
Leo
ps. Vent away, it's good for you!
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Post by Ad-minnie! on Sept 18, 2013 21:24:39 GMT
Thank you everyone!!! Its sooo good to "chat" to people who just "get it" |
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Post by nancydanfan on Sept 19, 2013 6:30:44 GMT
As an adoptive parent of birth children and an adopted daughter take it from me parenting my daughter has been on a whole different spectrum to parenting my birth children.
Attachment issues, not having the child through pregnancy and early days/weeks/years, damage done by neglect, hereditary problems etc etc etc. Maybe we should be saying its like parenting 2 different species.If only they looked different on the outside maybe people would get it.
Let yourself vent. Bottling up the feelings tends to make it worse.
On a side issue, thank you so much for setting up this site.
Wishing you a good day and pleased you have played such a big part in connecting the aliens from planet adoption.
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Post by shadow on Sept 19, 2013 7:48:55 GMT
It is sad - my 2 oldest friends - who I have known since we were all teens have gone
It hurts -but other people come along who do get it
sending you a hug
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Post by swimchic on Sept 19, 2013 10:04:24 GMT
Yup,
I too know how this feels...Not once has my brother picked up the phone or sent a text to see how his new niece is or how we are doing.
Really pees me off...
Swimchic
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Post by mr.vml3m on Sept 19, 2013 10:26:21 GMT
Hi Swimchic, nice to see you on here!
What is it with brothers?!
My older sister who lives in the states, rang us EVERY day through intro's to see how we were doing. Then, arranged to fly over for the weekend about a month after placement to meet them. Then came back at Christmas with her 2 children so the "cousins" could meet. Ours were 3 and 4 at the time and are now 5 and 6, her children are 5 and 7, and the 4 of them despite the distance send cards/gifts/emails and occasionally skype each other...... its so lovely to see.
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Post by peartree on Sept 19, 2013 10:43:44 GMT
Sorry minnie this is just nasty stuff and you feel really alone and worried etc.
I dont think I see anyone named on our original stuff!
the people who have been a wonderful surprise and help have been my parents and my sister who seemed so anti at the start.
funny how it works out
Ive found much greater understanding/ acceptance in parents with children who have extra needs.
went to the monthly group yesterday and funnily enough 3 of us there are adoptive mums.
perhaps see if theres a group near you?
sending support x
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Post by larsti on Sept 19, 2013 11:01:29 GMT
Hugs to you Minnie (((Minnie))) As Aprilshowers says WE are here! I know we all need flesh and blood people too and preferably fairly local. I echo a lot of what others have said above. We have to adjust and change and our relationships morph as we go along and people come and go  Love Larsti x |
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Post by lemonade on Sept 19, 2013 13:10:20 GMT
Yes so agree! One of my best supports (even though we don't live near each other anymore) has been a friend who adopted around the same time as us. No one else gets it My eldest brother shrugs his shoulders and rolls his eyes at some of the things we have to cope with, and really isn't interested as its all so alien to him.
Remember reading somewhere and it went something like this ...  we are raising onions not apples, apples have a core in them, but onions just have layers. So if you want help and advice go to those raising onions not apples!
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Post by annie70 on Sept 19, 2013 15:55:49 GMT
I love that quote lemonade This is something I am really worried about actually - and am already getting worried by glib comments from best friends (e.g. we were talking about another friend's kid-free wedding next year and we said we probably couldn't just leave a new LO with family and come away for 3 days - they were flabberghasted and wouldn't listen to any explanation of attachment / empathy with being left / multiple carers etc)... I have been pleasantly suprised though that a male cousin who I was very close to when growing up but we have since grown apart - has been texting me twice a week to see how we are getting on ... I really hope that continues - and yes, he does have a son with SEN so maybe he has thought about it more deeply than anyone else... This is the best support network ever though - thanks Minnie Ax |
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Post by oysterbabe on Sept 19, 2013 17:32:53 GMT
All I know is that mine disappeared immediately after meeting the boys once or twice. My mother stated I'd made a terrible mistake picking "them two" and couldn't I send them back! Hmmmmm thanks mother!
SS employed an older lady to help me with the boys for six months due to the support network fleeing. God, you really need people who are going to stick around and be there for you!
Has the friend apologised? I hope she feels terrible about treating a friend in such a way.
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Post by moo on Sept 19, 2013 17:36:37 GMT
Sadly this really seems to be so common. Must be down to the instant easy renewable culture we seem to find ourselves in  No longer be patient, make do & mend.  Just replace..... 
But we are here on this fab new board.... In my experience support always comes & it's often from the last place I expect!!!! 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by haze on Sept 20, 2013 18:58:53 GMT
My support network evaporated too.  |
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Post by kstar on Sept 26, 2013 21:09:46 GMT
You vent away Minnie. People away from Plane Adoption will never get it, they don't live our lives and they don't understand. Hugs to you xx The only support I have ever got is from other adopters - They "get it" and you don't have to explain and that is worth it's weight in gold - Sooooo glad you started this site. I love the idea of Plane Adoption - let's just get all of our cyber family from these threads on board Plane Adoption and take off to somewhere warm and non-judgemental!! |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 27, 2013 13:20:17 GMT
Try this one on for size... just been to visit someone who has become a close friend over the past 3 years... she is one of my referees and - I thought - a big part of my support network... I am very close to her 4 year old daughter and I have gone out of my way to help them out as they have been having tough times for the last couple of years... I rang her the other day to tell her about our good news... So, mum goes out and I am feeding the kids lunch while dad is getting ready to take the kids shopping and I said to the 4 YO - I have a secret, I am going to be a mummy.. 'I know - mummy told me' she says. 'What else did mummy tell you about our new family?' I ask... 'that he is a boy and he is 6 and that he will be adopted... and that he will probably be badly behaved but he might not be'... 'oh, i said' thinking thanks 'friend' - lovely to know you are already judging before you even meet him!!! Then she says 'and mummy told me about the little boy who needed to be adopted and his mummy didn't ever give him any food and so he ate his own pooh from his nappy because he was going to be adopted'  This child is 4 - 4! And to tell her something like that - I mean, I just can't comprehend what was going through her mind... And that lovely little friendship I could see blossoming over the years between the LOs has just evaporated in front of my eyes - how can I let them play together when I know she will ask him if he eats his own pooh???!!!! ...and who knows what other gems she has been told and only half understood...? Angry doesn't begin to cover it  |
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Post by lemonade on Sept 27, 2013 15:34:23 GMT
OH MY!!! Annie70 what was your friend thinking ... a 4 year old can't cope with that much info at the best of times and besides its confidential to your lo. Personally I would have words with the friend because you don't want that info being shared to other lo's by 4 yr old. Sadly in planet adoption we find our friends / family really don't quite get it most of the time . Lemonade xxx
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Post by annie70 on Sept 27, 2013 15:53:36 GMT
I know - what was she thinking? We are going out for dinner next week and I will bring it up then... but I don't know whether we will end up eating in the end! Just to clarify - the pooh story was not my LO - She was referring to a story of an American FC who neglected a child in her care and it then died - it was last year and I remember her being very upset by it... that's the daft thing - she is the one who has been most understanding and supportive and emailed / texted me when something is on the radio, saved me newspaper articles etc.... Ax |
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Post by justbserene11 on Oct 3, 2013 7:26:06 GMT
My friends have been great, they may not 'get' all of it but have respected what we have said. I have found my own Mother and Sister to be less supportive, they think that we make everything about adoption . It is hurtful isn't it. Annie-70 how awful for you, why would she even go into that much detail with a four year old! At your meal I would start the conversation off with 'I had an interesting conversation with x the last time we met' and then watch her squirm! |
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Bizarre as they were s/s support staff!!!!! 
We are all here for each other... We all get it upfront no explanation required!! 
we are raising onions not apples, apples have a core in them, but onions just have layers. So if you want help and advice go to those raising onions not apples!
No longer be patient, make do & mend. 
Just replace..... 
