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Post by kstar on Mar 16, 2014 12:30:05 GMT
Giant leaps back!
Starlet had been so much more settled in her behaviour for a couple of weeks and we had managed a lovely chat about BM too. Just as you dare to let your guard down and think things are moving on, it comes back to bite you!
Massive behaviour meltdown at bedtime last night then another this morning, followed by hysterical tears. She said her brain wouldn't let her tell me what was wrong but eventually she said sometimes her brain tells her she wants to go back to FC but she gets angry telling her brain she doesn't because she's happy with mummy.
My poor little chicken :-( my heart breaks for her when she's like this and I just wish I could take the pain and confusion away from her...
I feel like I managed her through it ok and she is now running off all the emotional energy in the park. But now I need someone to manage me through it and tell me it will all be ok :-(
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Post by serrakunda on Mar 16, 2014 13:04:12 GMT
We had lots of this in the first year, the older ones are so conflicted. Simba was with FC for half of his life, he was happy, but he wanted a mummy and he got one but he misses FC, not surprising he's confused. Sounds like starlet is doing really well expressing how she feels. All I think we can do is layer on the empathy, encourage them to talk when they have the need to, as they get older they will find better language and ways of expressing it. But it's hard as a child to understand that you can love more than one person without being disloyal to one of them. I can't see that it will ever go away, but time and maturity gives perspective.
It's not quite the same but I remember how devasted I was when I finally split with my ex, I'd spent nearly all of my 20s with him, and into my 30s, so a third of my life at the time, practically all of my adult life. It wasn't really our decision to split, forced on us by his family. Now 20 years on, he occupies a smaller space in my life and I can remember the good things.
Thinking about that other thread about knowing your child. Simba has a nice life, it's full of the things he loves and wants so badly, he knows he is loved and wanted, but he is so disappointed today, he is covering well, but it's also the first time in months he's said he misses FC. There is a lot going on in that little head of his. But we have less of the meltdown behavior now and more grown up talks. He knows it's ok to miss people and I'm not going to be cross or upset when he says it. I think it's still early days for us and even more so for you, but I think you are doing great, so keep doing what you're doing, but take care of yourself, because it is exhausting and draining.
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Post by knight on Mar 16, 2014 14:27:40 GMT
Ahh, poor wee lamb and Simba: how very hard for their little heads to have to process such big things which unadopted kids don't encounter. But, they have what they wanted (and need): forever families. Hugs to you both x
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Post by moo on Mar 16, 2014 14:42:44 GMT
Aww kstar poor starlet but you too esp having to pick up the pieces of her little fallout hugs for you both {{{{}}}}
Snuggle up later & watch a movie..... Guaranteed to make you both feel warm & together.... Hot choc with marshmallows to boot .... Yum....
hugs...
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by kstar on Mar 16, 2014 17:41:41 GMT
Thanks guys :-) we went to the park this morning for a good run around and cobweb clearing session. They have trampolines there and a good bounce seemed to help too. Now my neighbour has got her for an hour because I am bracing myself in case bedtime is as hard as yesterday... Just doesn't get any easier! I forget I'm only ten months in sometimes...
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Post by kstar on Mar 16, 2014 21:04:23 GMT
Another disastrous bedtime. I was ready to just walk out the door and keep going tonight. All thoughts of therapeutic parenting went out the window, I was so stressed and so not in control. Scary. When she calmed down she said that her brain is so mixed up she can't understand it, it just tells her she has to be scared or has to be naughty. In the end we had a cuddly half hour with soothing music and she drifted off... But I'm a nervous wreck.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2014 9:25:16 GMT
Hugs to you kstar.
It is hard on you, but great that Starlet is talking and letting you know how she is feeling and that's down to your parenting. You have made her feel secure enough to let her feelings out and that is fantastic. Hard on you I know, but better out than in.
Most of us got our children much younger and they probably went through similar but weren't able to vocalise it, so we got the behaviour tantrums without the explanation as our were pre-verbal.
Keep doing what you are doing, she needs to talk about it and she will become more secure as time goes on. It's a lot for a 7 year old to get her head round and 7 is an age where they start to question where they are in life, how they got here, who is who etc etc.
Maybe if things don't settle down after a while, then it might be time to ask your PASW for some help with life story stuff, but you are doing so well. We can't all be theraputic all the time and be warned with Mother's Day at the weekend you may get even more confused behaviour as she tries to figure out who Mum is, afterall not many 7 year olds have 3 mums already, and school usually make the kids make cards and she might struggle with knowing which mum to make a card for, so it might cause more upset for her?
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Post by kstar on Mar 17, 2014 18:42:35 GMT
Thanks jmk. It's very reassuring to hear from more experienced adopters, and I also managed an hour with our school counsellor today- she's a qualified child psychologist who specialised at uni in early maternal deprivation so she really gets it. She managed to explain everything Starlet was doing in terms I was able to cope with and said however hard these things are they are great signs in terms of positive attachment.
Luckily she is in a lovely mood tonight so loads of snuggles on the sofa - we are also having a cheeky picnic on the sofa instead of "proper" tea, which is a real treat for us both!! Fingers crossed it will make bedtime calmer!
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Post by knight on Mar 17, 2014 20:03:31 GMT
Ahh fingers crossed for a calmer night, hope bed-time was easier. Sounds like you have some positive ideas from the school counsellor and reassurance about ongoing/promising attachment, great news x
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Post by kstar on Mar 17, 2014 21:07:21 GMT
She timelined it for me mapped against the grieving process, then again against "normal" child development from baby. Basically starlet seems to have hit the terrible twos in terms of starting to find her feet in her family, separation anxiety etc. And the typical angry grieving phase emotionally.
My poor baby :-(
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Post by peartree on Mar 18, 2014 10:14:46 GMT
Hi
Can I please pop along and tell you to just do nothing
Nothing
Wind it all back
It's fine, Im going to tell you it's going to be fine
There's a cuppa tea here and a big bit of cherry cake
Now, breathing exercises, book time for a new shop visit with a friend
Do these things make the situation change?
No!
But I think some might allow you to cope better with it all.
I'm hopeless at this look after me stuff so I find doing something is helpful like learning something new
Others go for a swim
Or just enjoy a book
Lift off the stuff you can like ironing, cleaning etc
Keep routines boringly simple and perhaps the park is too much but a field and woods is better
Wind it all back
Tiny terrified toddler needs to be near and busy
However big they are xx
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