|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 13, 2014 22:51:46 GMT
Hello everyone. I've just had such an awful day with Monkey Boy that I just don't know what to do with myself. I am close to tears. I feel that I have tried everything and am losing confidence that I can keep on coping. I don't want to be over dramatic and I'm not talking about disruption or Section 20 but...... I'm out of steam. I feel so totally spent. I have asked for an urgent CAMHS referral.
I am starting with a counsellor for me on Tuesday, I'm doing a course with Family Futures..... but...but...... There really are no magic bullets, are there?
MB was highly disregulated today. All over the place. Constant, constant chatter (wall of noise). Constantly being 'naughty'. Defiance. Anxiety. Hyper-vigilance. Avoidant behaviour. And then 2 massive melt downs. I had to hold him to keep him and me safe (he was spitting, kicking, gouging, screaming, hitting, throwing things at windows). And I hate having to hold him. He gets a lot worse before he gets better, and then turns into a limp rag - sobbing and cuddling me. I feel like a terrible terrible mother and that I must be triggering him. I know it's not me me, but the mother figure, but all the same, perhaps someone else would be doing a better job.
I think today's problems were largely due to tiredness - he's at nursery 3 days a week now, and I don't think he can cope with staying regulated when he's tired. That and he now knows that Mouse is his sister - and that she's almost certainly going to stay with us for ever. And the parenting methods from the Great Behaviour Breakdown are forcing him to confront his feelings.
Oh my goodness. I'd never have said yes to Mouse's placement with us if I'd known it was going to be this hard. She's a dream. Utterly delightful. But his behaviour has regressed and intensified. Poor boy. He was used to having my undivided attention....
|
|
|
|
Post by peartree on Mar 13, 2014 23:03:44 GMT
Oh you poor mummy xxx
Look after you. please light a candle and put on some soothing music and have a little cry
MB sounds like he's out and wild
Have you got the wild things book?
Sounds like he's had a wild rumpus .....
New day tomorrow, for you same steady calm routines for him
Everything the same
Calm gentle routines, he can't do choices right now so you choose for him
Xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by twoplustwo on Mar 13, 2014 23:28:02 GMT
Sending cyber cakes, alcohol and support.
If at all possible try and get some time to yourself for a bit of pampering. At the very least have a soak in the bath.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2014 3:19:41 GMT
Sounds pretty dreadful Daffin. Hugs to you but tomorrow is another day and things might be easier.
It is hard this parenting of traumatised children and that's what others don't get including the professionals. They aren't the ones living with it 24/7.
I hope the FF course will help you, give you strategies in how to cope. I'm sure MB will settle down. He is still getting used to Mouse's arrival and will probably feel threatened/insecure about having her come into his life. I think all kids feel threatened when a sibling arrives, but adopted kids feel it even more. My mum told me when they adopted me, my older sister used to pinch me and try and get rid of me as she was really jealous of my arrival. I hope you get some help/respite even if it means you leaving both children with DH for a couple of hours at the w/e while you do something for you. We all need a break from the relentlessness of it, in order to cope.
Hope today is easier. xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 14, 2014 5:45:19 GMT
Thanks everyone. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. Not something I often do. Good for me probably.
Respite this weekend. Yes. I will talk to DH about that today. Maybe Sunday.
The Wild Things, Pear Tree. You must be a mind reader! I was just thinking about that, and how it's always been one of my very favourite books.
I do hope things do settle down again, JMK. They have done before. We've had real low lows before. It's just he's got so much more language now and is so much bigger and stronger that it's much more frightening and upsetting for me.
I must do some of those marvellous breathing exercises I recommended to someone else! (Actually, I'm doing them, and they're great. I just need to do something more!)
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Mar 14, 2014 6:04:36 GMT
Aww daffin hugs to you {{{}}}.... Things sound so very tuff for you.... Poor M.b. he is lashing out & poor you ... You sound so down & at the end of your-tether...not surprising..... Sending you lorry loads of support & cyber chocs to try 'n help cheer you xx
Some great advice already.... If you can get some you time out that will help re-charge your batteries.... Good Luck {{{Hugs}}}
x. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by oysterbabe on Mar 14, 2014 7:44:04 GMT
I won't repeat what the others have said but in order to look after monkey boy you need to be nurtured yourself to keep yourself well and happy emotionally, please talk to your support network and offload a few chores or whatever may help. Keep everything the same and simple, very calm, use the same phrases and reassure him you will help him. Huge hugs xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 14, 2014 8:46:25 GMT
Just done some hard exercise. Feeling much better and more able to cope. MB still struggling today, but we've had some very sweet and emotionally engaged moments.
You're right oysterbabe - reassurance is the key...... (for me, too)
|
|
|
|
Post by sockthing on Mar 14, 2014 9:49:51 GMT
Hugs Daffin, glad to hear the exercise has helped, and that you've had some good connecting moments - those really are important however small, each little one is like a little drip on a stone...it will store up in his heart somehow, and help him know you are there bit by bit.
Hang on in there - marathons not sprints etc, and you are clearly a strong loving mum.
Hope today is better xx
|
|
|
|
Post by esty (archive) on Mar 14, 2014 10:06:09 GMT
For me I take as many breaks as I can and then I feel more able to cope. Even a twenty minute stint out can work at times. 'I refuse to allow myself to feel guilty about it all. It is not my responsibility that my child(ren) are this way. I am doing the best I can and the majority could not do it any better!' I say this as a mantra to myself frequently. Keep the exercise going and call in any and all reinforcements. You've got the rest of their lives and yours to make attachments. Go with the enjoying some part of everyday for now. Many supportive feelings being sent your way.
|
|
|
|
Post by sivier on Mar 14, 2014 14:11:09 GMT
(((daffin)))
Sounds very hard for you and for MB. I remember when some friends had their second AC placed, they went through a very tough time with their oldest. It settled, but it was rough going indeed, they were very surprised at how unsettled she was initially.
It is good to hear you've had a few positive interactions with MB - hope those moments of reconnection help.
Hope things are better over the weekend...virtual hugs coming your way.
|
|
|
|
Post by monkey on Mar 14, 2014 20:14:47 GMT
Daffin, I hope you're feeling a bi more positive today.
Sending you a big hug.
MMx
|
|
|
|
Post by mudlark on Mar 14, 2014 21:45:15 GMT
just to offer sympathy..it sounds hard... and I know it is HARD..hard to find the space to get it all into perspective... as someone said to me....knowing each day each person in your family has learned something even when you think they haven't. xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 14, 2014 22:27:33 GMT
Thank you everyone.
I do feel better today. Wobbly, but much better. DH took most of the day off. He really is a wonderful man. I'm very lucky. Having him around meant that we could take one each. I took Monkey Boy out and we did some 'repair work'.
He told me he had been scared in town yesterday. I never take him shopping, as I can't keep him regulated, but yesterday I had to get a passport photo. Long story but it really had to be done and sent to the passport office next day delivery. Anyway, I'm sure that being scared and getting disregulated didn't help, and probably set things up for the rest of the day. Nor did an incident in the car on the way back from nursery the previous day, when someone nearly reversed into me. MB was scared. I'm joining the dots and neither of these things may have anything to do with events yesterday, but it seems plausible to me.......
Family here tomorrow for lunch. Lots of distraction for me, plus cousins for MB to play with.
Onwards and upwards......
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Mar 15, 2014 6:47:19 GMT
Been thinking of you daffin... {{}}
So fab to have one on one... Brill that mb could talk about how scared he was.... Opening up great.... Car journey sounds particularly scarey...
Hope you have a great lunch & weekend hugs to cheer you...
xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 16, 2014 1:20:36 GMT
Today was great. Long soak in the bath this morning. Cooking (and looking after Mouse) while DH played with Monkey Boy outside. Scary moment for me when I got MB to help me cut some rosemary for the roasties - he wouldn't give the scissors back and was beginning to rush around with them. I needed to get them from him before he hurt himself and ended up feeling quite threatened. Resulted in an interesting revelation though. DH asked Monkey Boy why he listened to DH but not to me. MB replied 'because Mummy can't keep me safe'. DH explained that MB's first mummy couldn't keep him safe but that I could.
Now, we're having a very very testing time, but I feel that it has to be optimistic that he's talking about his feelings like this.
It seems to me that maybe the techniques learned from the FF course is driving a ramping up of extreme behaviour as some scary feelings surface. Hopefully this is a cathartic and healing process and things will reach a new level of calm afterwards. I have certainly noticed a new kind of soft eye contact and moments of stillness that I have never seen before. But then I was properly scared when he was facing me with the scissors, so........
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Mar 16, 2014 5:25:22 GMT
Woow daffin.... Well handled.... Sounds really very scarey....
I agree great disclosure & great dh was on hand to 'straighten' the mummy & safety angle.... Fantastic observations too.... Sometimes it is bizarre how things 'click' & move on... So hope this happens with m.b. for you....
You sound much more ++ .... Sounds like a good weekend..... Hugs to you xx
xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by kstar on Mar 16, 2014 6:45:54 GMT
Well done for seeing positives when you must be exhausted! I admire you for that - when I'm on my knees like you must be, it normally requires someone else to point out the rays of hope to me.
Amazing that MB was able to verbalise about being kept safe and I guess it gives you something to work on at least, although it must be heartbreaking to hear it.
Stay strong xxx
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2014 7:21:17 GMT
Wow what a revelation for MB to vocalise. Shows that even though he was only two when he came home, he still had memories of not being kept safe.
Well done you for staying cool and handling it so well and to DH for backing you up and saying all the right things, not always easy when faced with a child and a pair of scissors.
Hopefully the FF training will help.
|
|
|
|
Post by sockthing on Mar 16, 2014 7:24:17 GMT
I agree I sounds like there's some important positives on there; look after yourself as best you can. Can you get some time, however short, to be totally alone to be peaceful and nurturing to yourself? Even 20 mins with a book? I'm sure moments like that are a rare commodity though !
Thinking of you
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 16, 2014 10:52:49 GMT
Today is going to be a chill out day for me. I've already had a bath with essential oils (two in one weekend! Wow - it's really for the sinusitis, which is plaguing me, but very relaxing too), tho it was interrupted by Mouse who is teething and was in proper pain, poor little munchkin. Now I'm going to go and sit in the garden and do my homework for the final day of the course tomorrow.
Got up at 6 with MB this morning. DH had a lie-in and MB and I had a genuinely enjoyable time together. He was almost relaxed. Unheard of. I avoided a confrontation about some stolen food and didn't rise to the bait when he got defiant about picking up the bowl from where he had been hiding under the kitchen table....I managed to coax him out of the defiance, which is about the first time ever. I'm feeling rather amazed, to be honest.
Now for that homework.....
|
|
|
|
Post by nzhb on Mar 16, 2014 21:46:43 GMT
I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Your children are very lucky to have you as a mum. Keep telling youself this. One day they might see it too.
Get rest & support wherever you can.
I am intrigued re FF - how did you get it?
I am looking to go there if poss - might have to pay myself as NO funding in our county.
Though I might call them this week.
( I have posted an exhausted & emotional thread recently too... )
Hugs X
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 18, 2014 5:53:35 GMT
Hi again. I did the third and final day of the Family Futures course, The Great Behaviour Breakdown yesterday. Despite feeling really carppy with sinusitis the day was really worthwhile. We spent the day giving feed back on how practicing the technique had gone over the previous 3 weeks and then role playing how to use the technique in a range of scenarios (even the people who hate role play acknowledged that it really was the only way to embed a completely new way of approaching your child's challenging behaviour). I've had a pretty sleepless night. Partially because of the sinusitis but mainly because my poor brain is busy processing all this new stuff!
On how I managed to get a FF course. We decided to not even ask our SW about our LA funding or co-funding the course and I just paid over the phone with a credit card. The courses are expensive, there's no getting away from that, but the facilitators were really excellent and I learned a lot from the other participants, too.
Now to implement .......
(And breathe)
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Mar 18, 2014 6:05:01 GMT
Wow daffin.... Hope it turns out to be one of the best investments ever....
Do please keep us posted....
xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 18, 2014 12:19:43 GMT
Well, a good first step this morning.
Monkey Boy was getting very difficult - hitting DH, refusing to put on his shoes etc. I crouched down next to him and asked him if he was feeling worried about going to Pre-School. Yes, came the answer, I don't want to go.
I held his hand as we walked to the bathroom to clean his teeth (closeness helping him to regulate), cleaned teeth with no problem, held his hand to get his shoes, sat on the floor with him to help him out them on, kept holding onto him as I put his jacket on, handed his hand to DH to walk him out if the door and off they went..... a regulated little boy, a calm DH and a rather amazed Mummy.
The proof of the pudding and all that.
I have absolutely no doubt we have more major melt downs just around the corner but if I can stay calm and dig deep for the energy to use this approach then I think we will all have calmer and happier lives in our household. No more snide comments from me about cults and shiny eyed Americans, I promise!
|
|
|
|
Post by mayan on Mar 18, 2014 12:56:14 GMT
Brilliant news Daffin - so pleased for you all - not least that he was able to connect with his fear and with your encouragement challenge himself to overcome it. How brave of him! Does he have any sensory fiddle things to connect you both My ds used to keep a little velvet pin cushion sized squashy thing I'd made for him to keep in his pocket with a drop of my perfume on it or you could do it a la Sockthing with your own scent. It helps them transition and understand object permanence.
Well done you!
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Mar 18, 2014 13:13:03 GMT
Yes. Mayan I think I must come up with a suitable small thing for MB to take with him to Pre-School. Next I need to get him to talk more about what he hates about crowds (I think it's to do with his hypervigilance and so in places with more than just a couple of people he needs to work really hard to keep tabs on everyone. But then it could just be sensory overload or some other kind of trigger).
|
|
