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Post by kstar on Mar 8, 2014 16:27:50 GMT
This might sound like the most naive question in the world, if it I apologise! But reading some of the gut-wrenching experiences some of you have been having recently, I wondered if those of us who are relative newbies might benefit from the wisdom of hindsight!!
Looking back now, were there any little niggles or concerns that perhaps highlighted the problems to come? Or anything you wish now that you had done earlier on to ease those troublesome teen years?
I like to think I have my eyes wide open about what the issues might be, thanks to you lovely people... But obviously it's incredibly scary and it would be nice to think we could take action to improve things later!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2014 23:21:31 GMT
Can't believe you have had no replies in 6 hours kstar. Where is everyone?
I have observed from these boards, and from Auk that a lot of people like myself who had easy to place problem free children, seem to hit problems around puberty. Speaking to CAMHS, PA SW's,Dr's etc, they do agree with this and the statistics show it is a time when a lot of "normal" adopted kids suddenly have problems.
I can only speak from my own experience, but both my DD's were normal easy to place, problem free children until my marriage ended and puberty hit, not a great combination of factors and add into that the internet contact from BF and booooom, the rest is on the ASB.
None of that could have been predicted or prepared for IMO. It's just sometimes life throws a curve ball at you and you have to cope as best as you can.
This is why reading the boards can help you learn what to do, who to ask etc, and then you just keep your fingers crossed and hope you'll be one of the lucky ones. I used to read the older Adoptees board with trepidation and used to wonder how the section20 parents coped and now I am one.
I for one am so glad I kept in touch with all the wonderful resilient parents on here over the past 9 years as they are the ones who are now advising me and helping me through the minefield of dealing with the so called professionals.
They are worth their weight in gold. Let's hope you never get to join the club no one wants to be part of kstar, but if the worst does happen at least you know you'll be in good company.
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Post by moo on Mar 9, 2014 5:22:16 GMT
Interesting Q kstar....
i can't answer your Q directly coz as yet mine are still not yet at puberty....
However!! I really do dred those teenage years for as Jmk says I have followed the teenage fallout from many of the wise ones.... My 2 have been 'tricky' but no trickier than most!! baa however has so many underlying issues I fear puberty will tip him over the edge....
Really looking forward to your replies from the wise ones to see just how very afraid I'm gonna have to be!!!!
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by donatella on Mar 9, 2014 8:47:56 GMT
Oh where to start!
We haven't had the luxury of problem free time anyway!
I have one about to hit his teens - at the moment relatively straightforward albeit hormonal. Be coming independent (out all day yesterday with nice friends he's known since he was a baby). Alternatively rude, horrible and loving. Placed at 5 months but very very difficult to parent till he was around 3.5. Mostly fine since then.
Middly, 12 months at placement, bl**dy nightmare child all along! Absolutely adorable, bright, smart, intelligent, funny, tactile and very loving. Proper mummy's boy. In therapy at 6, dx adhd at 6, excluded from school at 5/6 and packed off to a PRU. Now in ebd school but dx adhd working on getting him into Asd unit. Statemented. And at the moment manageable. Approaching his 10th birthday. Dx Asd at 8.
Littly placed 20 months after middly at 12 months. Very prickly. Very hard to love child. Militantly independent. Not loving or tactile. Has always required tight boundaries and careful parenting albeit different to middly. Dx Asd at 7 which explains everything. Still bl**dy hard work. Requires very close supervision around others as can be inappropriate. Getting along in mainstream with support.
Frankly dreading her teens as she has the attitude already. But maybe we're lucky in that we've never had it easy and nothing has come as a shock? I'm vigilant and never take anything for granted. We work around and accommodate their needs which atm are mostly Asd related.
Life's chaotic and knackering at times but it's always been thus!
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Post by moo on Mar 9, 2014 17:56:24 GMT
Thanx baffled for your honest post.....
I too worry about teenage angst with my 2 as'... Not easy now but the 'not owning' behaviours & actions is soo common on the farm.... It is the one thing that really worries me.... Complete disassociation.... Almost bonkers.... If admitted to it is always " he made me do it " etc... Very very worrying.... He seems genuinely to believe what he is saying which is the most worrying of all....
Keep 'em coming guys.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by kstar on Mar 9, 2014 18:58:32 GMT
Thanks for such honesty so far guys. Still interested in any nuggets of wisdom you may have to offer, either what we as "newer" adopters might watch for or what we can do if we think we have a problem. I certainly wouldn't describe Starlet as problem free right now as we do have lots of challenging behaviours and emotional meltdowns... I'm just not sure if that means we are more likely to have issues later or if the fact we can talk honestly and deal with things means we might be ok. I wish I could see into the future and prepare myself!
In the meantime, I am considering how to start my campaign for adopters rights. It seems what is needed is a massive increase in the amount and quality of support available more than anything else, and a no blame culture where all that matters is getting it right for the child.
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Post by milly on Mar 9, 2014 19:22:44 GMT
Neither of mine are problem-free.
Only one has hit puberty so far, although she's only 13. She's always been tricky, mainly due to ADHD but I am sure there are the effects of early trauma mixed in too. We have always had a lot of issues outside the home - behaviour at school or clubs, peer relationship problems, lack of focus in school etc so lots to worry about. She will also lie and steal on and off - though the stealing does seem to clearly relate to stress and the lying we can work around. She is volatile in terms of losing her rag in seconds or being rude but she gets over these outbursts quickly. At home we don't have too many issues with her. At 13 she is the same person she's always been - no overnight changes, yet anyway. in fact, behaviour wise she's a lot easier than when she was younger. She always bounces back from disappointment and has a very positive attitude to life. She can get angry with us but apologises readily and has always been very affectionate. I used to imagine her as a terrible teen when she was younger but now she is getting there, I don't feel so convinced things will go that wrong. She saw a psychotherapist for three years and when I mentioned it to them, they said that they felt it unlikely there would be a big blow up with her as she has always expressed her feelings. So that was (partially) reassuring.
Little DD is very different. She is very normal in terms of getting on with others, behaviour, does well at school etc. But there is an overlay of anxiety - she needs coaxing through a lot of things. She also has rages when she becomes very verbally aggressive (not physically, although will throw things sometimes). Even at 2 she came out with the most terrible things and awful language - I couldn't believe she had ever heard such things so it was disturbing to hear. But then most of the time she is a sweet, happy, and very sensible child. Her rages haven't got worse - they relate to stress and she has gradually found various aspects of life easier to cope with, so the rages are fewer and far between. But we do worry sometimes when she says things like she wants to kill herself. However I do think it's just her way of expressing the extreme shame she feels that she has misbehaved / lost control. We've thought of getting some help for her but are waiting to see how things pan out. We are lucky to be in a position to fund therapy if necessary so feel we could get something sorted quickly if need be.
The only thing I feel I can do at this stage is to maintain a good relationship with both girls, spend time with each on a one to one basis and keep talking to, and with them, about any issues that arise for them - basically to keep the channels of communication open and let them know I am always on their side, ready to support them with their issues.
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Post by peartree on Mar 9, 2014 21:45:45 GMT
I don't really know what to say!
It's hard
Really hard to face the reality of what you've been through.
I'd love to try and help but honestly there's such strong pulls for me on this one.
My love for the 2 AC, the horrors they faced etc
Basically it was all there, All of it
I just didn't know what it all meant
And fairly steady things I thought were very fixable we found were deeply imbedded
Eg. temper tantrums. Had lots every day
Despite everything they just morphed into other things
The underlying issue of being totally unable to regulate
Eg. both children seeming like the one person almost weird
Think about trauma bond
Thinking our 2 were pretty good really
Well, on the surface they could eat nicely at the restaurant and say hello to granny
But would also say hello to everyone!
Affectionate- too right!
But now at 18 & 16 poor at choosing 'good' friends means something different
There's more here TBH about the really huge and life long impacts of trauma
Children seem resilient
But TBH they just show things differently
The over lying things of the trauma like never going to a shop hungry or they'll nick food has changed
But get anxious? Then they are back nicking food ... But mainly from home not so much from shops.
Take a 6 month old with BP's who are addicts, have lifetimes in care themselves with MH issues. Child moved 5 times in and out of care
Then take 4 yr old who had a single mum who sadly died of a brief illness, lived with grandma until adoption.
I'd argue that the 6 month old will have heaps more issues into life than the 4 yr old.
Think it's important to have someone have a look at your child with adoption/ trauma experienced eyes at a centre like Catchpoint, PAC, Great Ormond Street trauma unit and to attempt support from the off....
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Post by moo on Mar 10, 2014 6:00:50 GMT
Great post.... Thanx kstar....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by peartree on Mar 10, 2014 9:03:03 GMT
I'd like to add something
I wouldn't wish the horrors of the missing teen/ assaults etc on anyone
But
I've found something remarkable
Through all their teen troubles
Somehow
We've held on as a family and found them as people.
I have a warm loving son, he's just clever at things I couldn't do. His kindness and practicality is such a presence in my life.
I have a quirky young lady who talented funny and who is lovely and can be hugely slippery but at last is holding steadier than we've ever seen in her life
Teenager hood
Hideous
But perhaps the making of our two ac
They've had the chance to try and do the attachment bit all over again and are getting there (mostly)
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Post by peartree on Mar 10, 2014 9:05:39 GMT
Plus, several of us have joined/ started a group called POTATO
Parents of traumatised adopted teens only
When you get to that point
You aren't alone :-)
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Post by donatella on Mar 10, 2014 10:16:56 GMT
Trust your instinct. If you feel that something isn't quite right then note it. Keep a diary. Even if it doesn't seem hugely significant at the time - just odd maybe - it may in time become significant. My daughter was always a little different. Small things on the whole but being my third I could tell that something wasn't quite right. Everyone assured me she was fine. But I knew. Fast forward a few years and we're into assessments and ex for Asd.
Would also say don't always assume everything is trauma triggered. There can be other thing's in the mix as well.
Therapy helped my son but alone it wouldn't have. Medication and the right school are key for him.
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 10, 2014 19:41:58 GMT
Plus, several of us have joined/ started a group called POTATO Parents of traumatised adopted teens only When you get to that point You aren't alone :-) Tell me more about POTATO. My Stig is still managable but we have so many issues to deal with it would be helpful to be in touch with others who 'get it'. |
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Post by peartree on Mar 10, 2014 21:20:34 GMT
Hello two plus :-)
(Enthusiastic waives to old forum buddy:-) )
Potato - we had a conference day and it was a good thing to meet up :-)
Jellies can talk you through the fb secure group if you ok her :-)
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Mar 11, 2014 9:52:07 GMT
Well neither of mine were straight forward, I can remember sitting at CAMHS when they were probably 6/7 - being very concerned about the future. At that time i was worried that ED would be in prison and YD would be agraphobic.
Although we are still early in teenage terms (12 & 13). I can say though that life is probably easier for us now that at any stage in the past (not complacent, - am aware there is potential for things to erupt).
One thing that has made a massive difference for us is Special Ed. Academically, both are operating at levels that could be supported in Mainstream, - but emotionally they really struggled.
I know our lives would be very different if they were at the local comp/academy.
I wonder whether the move to secondary school, (assuming that lots of our children are emotionally younger), gives them responsiblity that they are not yet ready for, and they feel out of sync with their peers which massively contributes with teenage brain changes, hormones etc.
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 11, 2014 10:05:43 GMT
Littlemisscheerful's post struck a chord with me.
Stig is in special ed and I'm sure he wouldn't be doing as well as he is emotionally and behaviourally if he were in mainstream.
The school he is at isn't perfect and they don't always 'get it' but they do at least try.
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Post by kstar on Mar 11, 2014 18:53:29 GMT
Thanks for some really useful ideas and thoughts everyone.
I'm trying not to live in fear of the dreaded teens but somehow at the moment I can't shake it off! I shall at least look forward to being a POTATO, although I hope those of you whose children pass the teen years by then will still be there!
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Post by piglet on Mar 11, 2014 21:49:00 GMT
Such a good question kstar. Being flippant I am hoping that as little Roo is pretty tricky she will not get any worse in teenage years.
Interesting what people have said about special ed.
Little Roo, bright spark that she is told me she needs to go to a special ed. school because she can't concentrate and needs a helper to make her focus. I am trying to get assessments out of the school at the moment, but bless her she'll be writing her own statement soon if no one offers up any help.
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Post by moo on Mar 12, 2014 7:10:23 GMT
  ...... With you on that piglet!!...
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 16, 2014 20:10:19 GMT
Oh for the kids to write their own statements!!!!
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