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Post by daffin on Mar 5, 2014 2:09:53 GMT
Hi all, I've just done the first 2 days of a 3 day course at Family Futures called the Great Behaviour Breakdown. It's based on Bryan Post's book with the same name. The course was excellent, though since Monkey Boy was in bed when I got back, I haven't been able to test it out at all, and the proof of the pudding.....
Have any of you used the methods in Bryan Post books? Have they worked for you?
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Post by flowerpower on Mar 5, 2014 12:31:11 GMT
Tell us more about it please xxx
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Post by moo on Mar 5, 2014 12:58:07 GMT
Sounds fascinating...  I'm with flowerpower more info please.... 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by daffin on Mar 5, 2014 22:41:19 GMT
Sure. I've said a bit on the thread on Attention Seeking.
The theory.
Neglected and traumatised kids have an abnormally enlarged Amygdala. This is part of the primitive brain, near the brain stem. It's job is to identify risks in the environment and send out fight/flight/freeze messages. In most of us it is calmed by the hypocampus, which helps keep us regulated. In neglected and traumatised children this is under-developed and can't do its job. (Amygdala develops by 18 months and hypocampus by 36 months).
The Practice.
So, we as parents need to do the job of the hypocampus for our kids and help keep them regulated. We can't do this if we are stressed, frightened or angry. This means we need to do everything we can to keep regulated. So, Mindfulness training is recommended - apparently there are some Apps, too - and a breathing exercise (4/7/8 - breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 7 and out for 8).
In order to help reduce the chances of our kids getting ramped up, we need to engender positive feedback loops, through loving and positive language and body language - rooted in empathy and love. The approach sees almost all challenging behaviour as driven by fear and we are encouraged to verbalise this with our kids, e.g. "I think maybe you're feeling scared. Maybe you're shouting and hitting me because you're scared. You're scared that I will leave you alone or that I don't love you. But I do love you, and you will always be part of our family - even when you're grown up"
It's the kind of thing that sounds very strange when described like that, but it kind of makes sense when you do it in role play. I tried it with Monkey Boy today, with some very interesting results. He apologised for hitting me, without prompting. He told me he's scared when I'm not talking to him, without prompting (I.e. When I'm not giving 100% of my attention to him), so it's clearly unlocking something for him. It also drove him to some VERY ramped up behaviour before we got to that point, as I was not getting angry, despite provocation. It became very clear that he NEEDED me to be angry. So, he tried harder, and when that failed also, he burst into tears and came for a cuddle. Hopefully over time we can get to the cuddle and honest talking without the nasty stuff first.
See Bryan Post's website for more info on the technique (it's very American and a bit shiny eyed, but if you take it with a pinch of salt it's got some useful stuff there.
It would be very interesting to hear your thoughts.
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Post by moo on Mar 6, 2014 6:53:58 GMT
Great daffin thanx for sharing.... Sounds very interesting... Very Dan Hughes pace & empathic guessing.... Always works here except baa has on occasions now started saying " why are you talking to me like that "!! He recognises the tone & "guessing" techniques.... Have had to modify it a bit... But it does none the less work well..... Lucky you fascinating course.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by peartree on Mar 7, 2014 8:47:42 GMT
I went to see Bryan post at the auk conf a few yrs ago
Really I found it helpful as it focused on my ability to change
Eeek
Stuff like stealing
Really gets to me
So
Dealing with that anger and grrrr first
Then speaking to your child
Is a key thing we kept
We did try the oxytocin drops for about a year
But for us they wore off in effect
The other things we kept going with is the thinking that you cannot tell the truth with a gun to your head telling you you'll die if you admit anything
That's helped me 'get' the lies part of what they do
Tbh he's the only one who focuses on you dealing with your anger and disappointment and sadness and THEN tackling your child's behaviours. Trying to learn unconditional love is a huge thing for him
He says how hard it is because he knows it is!
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Post by daffin on Mar 18, 2014 6:07:39 GMT
Hi all. I've just added to my 'terrible day - needing help' thread with some more on my experience of the GBB course at Family Futures.
Things that have shifted for me ...... I'm enjoying spending time with Monkey Boy again. I'm beginning to acknowledge just how much his challenging behaviour was affecting me (I was in soldiering on mode, but that was unsustainable). MB has begun talking about his feelings. We now know he's scared of crowds - explains his running away and extreme behaviour whenever I take him to town. We also now know that he feels 'Mummy can't keep me safe' (I'm guessing he's conflating me with the 3 previous carers he had). So, that's a useful start. He also wailed 'I don't want to be scared anymore'.
Poor little man!
This puts that clinging, the chatter, the controlling, the constant naughtiness to get and keep my attention, the meltdowns into some kind of context and really helps me to realise that I'm dealing with a frightened child, first and foremost.
I still need help in dealing with all that behaviour, though, and the GBB techniques have resulted in some impressive shifts - but the emotional intensity has driven some wild melt downs too. Hopefully the intensity will pass as MB begins to feel safer talking about feelings and hearing me talk about them too.
I'm starting with a counsellor tonight, to support me through the process. (How terrifying!)
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Post by moo on Mar 18, 2014 6:18:48 GMT
WoW daffin major strides & shifting.... Fab to hear.... Great that the course has pinpointed an approach that works for you & mb....
Poor little man.... Good he has recognised he doesn't want to be scared anymore.... Pulls on the old heart strings.... Bless him but he is asking for help moving on.....the very best of breakthroughs....  
Xx. moo. Xx
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flowerpot
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 34 
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Post by flowerpot on Apr 3, 2014 17:02:43 GMT
Heather Forbes has much the same perspective as Bryan Post. Their joint book, Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control, has been very helpful to our family. She, too, is very keen on our self-awareness and detangling our feelings from those of our children - and working through our own anger, loss, expectations, disappointment ... You can also sign up to a daily reflection, which is just a short inspirational sentence which can encourage and be another support on the way. They're not for everyone, but I think they're worth a look. www.beyondconsequences.com/daily.html |
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I'm with flowerpower more info please.... 
