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Post by kstar on Feb 20, 2014 13:32:07 GMT
Just wondered what the therapeutic approach would be to your child telling you they hate you/ you're a rubbish mum/ she doesn't want to live here anymore / she's phoning the FC to come and get her... Starlet only ever uses these when she's in free fall and we always talk about it afterwards and she apologises, normally without any prompting.
normally I respond with that's a shame because I love you... However in the midst of pressing every one of my buttons this morning, I really wanted it say fine off you go! I appreciate this isn't very therapeutic but at least I only thought it... Was quite proud of my restraint.
is there a correct way it rebuff those statements? Do I just let it wash over me? Discuss it? Respond somehow?
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Post by sooz on Feb 20, 2014 14:26:52 GMT
An attachment course I went on would tell us to respond with something like
'You sound very upset with me right now and you sound very sad. I wonder what is making you feel like that. Maybe I could help if I knew what was making you sad'
So, basically no questions, you've acknowledged that you understand she feels sad, you offered to listen and help if she can tell you what's going on (if she knows herself) but you don't offer a solution or try to guess what it is.
If she can give you any reason, even if it's something you feel is totally unjustified or unreasonable or just plain silly, what you do is acknowledge that whatever it is has upset her, with something like 'oh goodness me, so x has really upset you, I can see that' or 'wow I didn't know that, no wonder you feel sad'.
Even if it's something like she didn't get a chocolate when she expected one (not saying it's as simple as that in this case) it may seem a minor thing to us but for her it was very upsetting and that's what you sympathise with, how upset it made her.
The idea is that gradually she will be able to tell you what's going on in her head without being told it's irrelevant or doesn't matter (again, not saying that you ever do that).
Of course, it's never that easy when a raging child has been getting at you for hours!! My patience was wearing thin with my ds a few weeks back as he was very hostile towards me, until eventually he told me he thought I was going to die! We chatted and he's been ok since.
Xx
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Post by milly on Feb 20, 2014 14:29:54 GMT
My younger dd says similar things at times, and will still say her proper place is with her last fc. This is after 6 and a half years though! She only says it in a rage and I know she doesn't mean it, though the harping on re fc makes me feel childishly irritated at times. To do anything but take it on the chin while she is in full flow just aggravates her further. But I do sometimes revisit it after she is calm again. I have explained the role of her fc many times - I can truthfully say we were identified as her adoptive family within a very short time of her placement with the fcs (she was too young to remember the previous ones) - to explain why fc didn't keep her as she has accused us of stealing her away. Anyway I now think she understands and what she says in the heat of the moment is intended as deliberate provocation coupled with temporary rage at her present situation. Last time, a few days back, she told me she didn't love me but a few hours later we were cuddling and she was saying the opposite.
My older dd's therapist once said adoptees have ready made alternative families to refer to when they get mad, whereas non adopted children might harbour fantasies about a better family "out there". I know I did! Anyway that helped put it into perspective for me.
Anyway may be slightly different for you with a much more recent placement but I do feel we (well me at least) can be
over sensitive to every mention of bfs and fcs.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2014 14:35:40 GMT
Great replies Ladies  |
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Post by milly on Feb 20, 2014 14:36:42 GMT
Btw my dd rages when she is either angry, nervous or over tired. She will direct her rage at me even when the issue is nothing to do with me (but also at DH and dd1). But a lot of it boils down to feeling insecure over something and when we talk calmly, it is often herself she is cross with in fact. I think the fc thing is part fantasy and partly that she associates fc with loss / not being good enough (ie so they didn't want to keep her)
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Post by kstar on Feb 20, 2014 19:06:27 GMT
Thanks everyone :-)
Apart from when I get wound up, it seems I am along the right lines. I know 100% she doesn't mean it, as we are pre AO I think she is still anxious about having to leave so she does the classic I am going to push as hard as I can so I know if you will send me back or not.
Today's meltdown was partly due to overtiredness and partly a phone call from my SW which always makes her panic, even though she heard the whole call and it was actually a request to support a prospective adopter who is just starting out.
Sometimes it is really hard to stay adult tho, I agree Toko!
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Post by mudlark on Feb 20, 2014 21:21:27 GMT
Great replies ...
Just to add lapwing can be rather like this when anxious, tired,or in a 'time hole' as our therapist calls it.
It's hard very hard .. even when we know they don't mean it ...
I have to keep my emotional armour on it helps to protect me from hurt and so in turn helps protect little one from my hurt ....
I often long to take that heavy armour off and just love her ... but cannot as she cant handle it yet.....xxx
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Post by kstar on Feb 20, 2014 21:25:53 GMT
Just had one fit of genuine giggles after the next at bedtime, probably part of today's mega emotional rollercoaster...
My instinct is that those barriers are starting to come down and it scares her.
We will see! I so wish I could save a magic wand and make her feel better and help her understand I am in it for the long haul :-(
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Post by mudlark on Feb 20, 2014 21:40:07 GMT
oh kstar I have to reply...lapwing...who hates being tickled ..really hates it...has this week giggled uncontrollably at some tickling disguised as checking her bones....I agree it is the barriers coming down...scary for her though. x
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Post by pluto on Feb 20, 2014 22:21:09 GMT
want to leave? I just say, off you go, I will miss you.
To the foster carer? I ask did the fc adopt you than?
I have no problem helping my children to understand that I adopted them and that is the reason why they are living here.
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Post by wibbley on Feb 20, 2014 23:13:21 GMT
I agree with Milly, it's a past family they can fantasise about.
My a BS used to threaten to move in with his BF (my ex) when he got cross.
In between telling me he was going to find a new mum that is.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2014 9:41:07 GMT
I remember my older sister, she used to regularily pack a bag and threaten to run away whenever she wasn't allowed to do something she wanted to do. She used to pack the bag and say "I'm leaving" and my mum used to say, "oh, that's a pity because I'll miss you, bye" and she didn't re-act anymore and my sister would storm off round the corner in a huff, where she would sit for hours on the pavement sucking her thumb being angry at the world. She always came back after a while.  (sister is now a clinical child pyschologist, who still sucks her thumb!!   ) |
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Post by pluto on Feb 21, 2014 10:34:22 GMT
I do not think that we have to always be so serious if the children say I do no longer want to live here. A light hearted response is best in most cases, and sometimes talk seriously about it later on, at an evening initiated by the parent; ' I wonder 2 days ago you said you did not want to live here, do you still feel that way?' than talk about what adoption means etc.
Unfortunately as soon as most of our children feel that a subject (in this case the parents fear that the child will feel rejected) will 'get the parent into a different gear', they will just use it as another tool to control.
It can be very therapautic to say, 'off you go', in a light hearted way. I also say you're here to stay until you are an adult or you like it or not, just in a matter of fact way. And comments like 'I hate you' earn you a task as that is not the way we talk to each other in this house.
I am just not prepared to be verbally bullied by my child, I understand their hurt and fears, but I do not think that I make their hurt and fears any less by allowing them to be out of control with words.
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