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Post by aprilshowers on Feb 20, 2014 11:00:26 GMT
The time has come to call in more support, after the girls leaving and ds back and just not engaging with anyone or anything, with the other million problems with family work the house...then I find myself stalking birth mum on FB with her now seeming perfect life with her lovely little boy the holiday snaps and Christmas photos, her ability to smile and show teeth whilst I am struggling with partial dentures due to being kicked in the face so often, hubby and I are both in agreement that we need someone else in our lives who gets us and what we are going through...loss, guilt, anger so we will both be going for counselling using a counsellor that know the adoption triangle so we can get these feelings and thoughts out and dealt with..as much as we can its not going to be easy, the court date is looming, we are trying to re-build our lives doing stuff for us but it is hard, there is a huge elephant in the room all the time, today I should be clearing the girls rooms, having a lot of their stuff still here is not helpful, the rooms are now like shrines and still referred to as their rooms, ds regularly goes through their stuff so it has to be packed away....god its hard.
heartbroken going a little madder aprilshowers  |
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Post by imprudence on Feb 20, 2014 11:49:55 GMT
Sounds so hard. Gentle hugs.
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Post by ham on Feb 20, 2014 12:15:48 GMT
Hugs to you both.the counselling is a good idea,you need to move on with your life.be kind to yourself and do something for you.you need time to put things in prospective.do the rooms when you have more strength.it will be hard to go through their rooms but may help you clarify your feelings.
Take care muffins on the way
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2014 12:55:03 GMT
So hard April.
Don't know what to say except that we are here for you.
Am glad you and DH are going to have counselling, you need it and you deserve it after all you've been through.
Massive hugs to you both xx
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Post by mayan on Feb 20, 2014 16:02:15 GMT
Sending love and strength to you both April. You have been through so very much and still there are painful things ahead so I hope the counselling will help you both.
As for reaching acceptance - I think my DH and are are still working on that as regards our DS 10 + years after his departure. I made my DH gut the room and get plasterers and carpenters in to repair the damage however traces remain such as his initials carved with a compass point into the window sill and door post - so small I had not noticed them until one of our little visitors pointed it out and my heart just flipped and a lead weight felt like it landed in my stomach.
The trauma runs deep I think and it takes time and more so be kind to each other - I think in some ways even though my DH wasn't so much on the receiving end as I was - it has hurt him even more deeply and taken him a lot of time to make some sense of it all - as much as one ever can. There are good days when we can say that our DS is out there doing his thing and others when we feel he had so much support and offers of help and could have made better choices and perhaps taken an easier road in life but we just have to trust that some of it has made a difference in the fullness of time.
Now the time is for us to heal and take a step back but little things can drag us back to the trauma of difficult times. Perhaps in time it won't be so raw but scars of course will remain but you will endure somehow. You are stronger than you know and finding life and joy together as a couple will be a new focus notwithstanding whatever the children decide to throw in the mix along the way...
Thinking of you both
Mxx
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Post by damson on Feb 20, 2014 17:44:55 GMT
Dear Aprilshowers and DH,
Glad to hear you will be going to a counsellor. The sheer loss and confusion, never mind free floating blame, that we felt when DD catapulted into care was awful. A year and some on, with counselling, I feel a great deal better, but not a poster mum for happy adoption stories.
If I had to see smiling pix on FB, I'd feel like fire and forget. (A sort of answer to how do people become trolls, really.)
Deshrinification is not easy. I'm with Madrid, shut the door for a while if it seems too horrid.
I put away all AD's loose things very early on, for much the same reason as you need to. It instantly made the room much easier to go into, as it felt like she was away, not living here.
I repainted the room about 6 months after she went into foster care. It was an agreed colour, and driven by the reality that we had too little paint to patch where blue tack and other enterprises had left the walls and ceiling scabrous. DH patched the damaged furniture. The room is nice, nominally AD's, but people can visit and I can use the room with no elephant present.
Thinking of you, hoping that you can gather up the loose things and stash them away.
And that bit by bit, life improves as the counsellor works with you and spring returns.
xxx D
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enid
Bronze Member
Single Adopter
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Post by enid on Feb 23, 2014 12:23:49 GMT
Hard to read, so even hard to live through, sending lots of love and support. xx
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Post by aprilshowers on Feb 23, 2014 22:52:07 GMT
all ideas and experiences help, we finally did middly's room, but finding a lot of notes I have written her over the years was hard, and the strangely comforting thing was that I could recognise immediately the silly things she kept and why she kept them and the fact that I too had to save them for her. Now off at some time to de-shrine littys room, that should be easier as she rarely kept anything of any importance.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2014 8:07:55 GMT
Oh April, that's so hard.
Think you are right though and should keep the notes etc in a box (rather than bin everything). Stick them in the loft because a few years down the line, if DD's sort themselves out, they may want to look back and re-read these to see how much you loved them even when they couldn't love themselves.
Hugs to you. Hope Littly's room is a bit easier.
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Post by imp on Feb 24, 2014 8:40:20 GMT
thinking of you aprilshowers xx
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Post by moo on Mar 1, 2014 5:27:59 GMT
Sorry April missed this post..... Sending you many belated hugs & positive vibes {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
So sad you are going thro this awful awful time.... You soo don't deserve it.....
Hope the raw searing pain is dulling marginally....
Fab advice from all our marvellous wise ones.... Hugs to you all your pain is soo heart wrenching.... {{{{}}}}
Please try to look after yourselves April.......glad you have dh to support you & you him.... Xx
Healing vibes coming your way.....
xx. moo. Xx
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