dinky
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Post by dinky on Feb 8, 2014 12:17:48 GMT
Feeling sad today (was angry yesterday) as DS was involved in an incident yesterday and is being accused of hurting 3 children on purpose  I happen to believe his version of events this time (I think my mummy radar is usually right) in that he didn't deliberately set out to hurt anyone and that it was his inappropriate way of hugging aound the neck (which we have told him not to do and why) that has got him into trouble. This all happened at break time of course and school acknowledge that he needs help (and watching) in the playground but it doesn't happen (or not closely enough). Teacher supposedly saw the incident but from what DS says it was 3 separate incidents and the first one was caused because another child interfered (one of a few children who seem to delight in getting DS into trouble at the moment) pulling DS and the child being "hugged" over but teacher wasn't available as they were dealing with something else. Just feel that it's all a mess  and I am not sure what to do. Do we send him back on Monday to face the consequences (whether they are deserved on not and whatever they may be) or do I go in and ask what they will be doing to keep him from being able to hurt others whether intentionally or not at break times and if they are unable to reassure me keep him home? Dinky (wishing she could sweep herself and DS off to a deserted tropical island!) |
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louie
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Post by louie on Feb 8, 2014 12:43:41 GMT
If it were me, and I'm far from an expert!, I'd go into school and ask what they are doing to help your DS feel safe. As to me, it is inappropriate behaviour that results from him being unable regulate properly during a time (ie break) when he gets more agitated. There's no reason why he can't have a TA or playground assistant to help him during these stressful times. I certainly wouldn't see it as intentional behaviour to hurt another child and would personally be furious is it were my son and his was reprimanded for this by school. And believe me, it's highly likely to be my son! Good luck-what ever you decide to do.
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Post by sooz on Feb 8, 2014 15:59:32 GMT
Hi there.
This could be my ds too.
From year 1 he has been supervised closely by an adult at each break time and lunch. The school recognised he is unable to regulate himself in these situations. They provided a new member of staff to be with him who is trained in play buddies. This member of staff told me late last year she was now able to stand back a bit and watch without being directly involved with all his play, a real achievement! Only taken 2 years of working with him to reach this point! He still cannot cope all the time.
I think they key is recognising the inability to play independently, not that it's deliberate, and no, he won't just learn no matter how many sanctions or consequences are put in place. Ds still thinks he has a bad person inside him that takes over and gets into trouble because he was always 'acting up'. His school give him lots of win win situations and reward him frequently. Gradually it's working!
So, IMO the school need to put in place a method of supervising your ds so he is not able to 'fail' or get into trouble and to help him learn how to play at school. I would point out that as much as you would love him to be able to learn from his mistakes, it's just not going to happen any time soon.
I'd ask them what they can recommend for a child who doesn't learn from consequences!
X
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dinky
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Post by dinky on Feb 9, 2014 16:01:32 GMT
Thank you all for your support. Yes, I think I need to go in tomorrow and find out exactly what the teacher in the playground saw and go from there. I suspect that she only saw the last incident (well I hope so, as if she saw all the incidents why wasn't DS stopped earlier!) and that the "hugging around the neck" (or "strangling" as school put it) ones are the interpretation of what DS was doing by the other children (which I can understand I don't like being hugged (strangled) by the neck either!). I think I also need to remind them that getting angry and demanding that DS "stops lying and tells the truth" won't get them anywhere even if he is lying! I am someone who has trouble thinking of the questions to ask etc. when put on the spot like this although if I had had a couple of minutes to get my brain together I may have been able to this time but teacher had obviously got the hump with DS not capitulating and admitting to strangling everyone and walked off  with a "it's time we did something about this" comment! I agreed of course ;)but I suspect that what I am thinking needs to be done is not the same as what he is thinking  Dinky (still dreaming of a tropical island  ) |
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Post by sooz on Feb 9, 2014 18:14:36 GMT
Hi dinky
Good luck for tomorrow.
Try not to get caught up in the whole 'he said, she said' stuff as it will only detract from the real issue.
Your ds is not coping in unstructured times, the teacher clearly said it needs sorting out, I'd jump on that statement. If they come up with more sanctions or consequences as a resolution then state quite clearly that it will not work with your ds at this moment in time and ask them for an alternative plan. Make it plain you will do what ever you can to help.
(I volunteered to come into the school myself to monitor my ds but I was politely declined and they then got the staff member in)
Everyone wants the same outcome, but as you said, your ideas may not match theirs.
Let us know how you get on xx
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dinky
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Post by dinky on Feb 10, 2014 20:40:15 GMT
Well what a breath of fresh air - Head is really, really listening and apologised to me as she has come to the conclusion that they have not been doing the things that they keep telling me they are going to do She has also noticed that DS is having trouble with a few of the other boys in his class and is clamping down hard on them (yeeeeeesssssss someone has recognised that it is not always DS's fault ) As of today DS along with a couple of friends that he chooses get to spend breaks with a TA doing whatever (basketball today I hear) and at some point he will be intergrated back to the big bad playground along with TA keeping a very strict eye on him I mentioned to Head that I was a bit taken a back by teachers attitude towards DS on Friday and before I had finished speaking she broke in and said that they had had a heated discussion about it as she didn't think he was going about things in the right way either (I wonder if she gave him all the literature I have given her previously to take home as homework for the weekend  ) Anyway, onwards and upwards (until the next time!) Thank you for your advice. A much happier Dinky (though still wishing for a tropical island to live on  ) |
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louie
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Post by louie on Feb 11, 2014 9:17:35 GMT
Excellent news! So glad your DS's needs are being put first! (ANd you were actually listened to!)
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Post by moo on Feb 12, 2014 8:21:22 GMT
Soo relieved for you...
Been having similar & worse at boys school.... Has escalated so much over the years I have just moved them to a new school!!! Life has been soo stressful.... They talked the talk but couldn't be bothered to action what they knew baa needed....
So pleased your head apologised & seems to get it.... ' every child matters' & will be a school policy so she is at least trying to do her bit...
I suggested baa have a playground box.... Full of stuff he could go & play with & choose 1 friend to do with him if he wanted.... That worked really well apparently....
Hope things are getting sorted for your ds.....
Xx. moo. Xxx
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Post by esty (archive) on Feb 12, 2014 21:13:48 GMT
The head sounds a good one if she's that up front and honest with you about the teacher.
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I happen to believe his version of events this time (I think my mummy radar is usually right) in that he didn't deliberately set out to hurt anyone and that it was his inappropriate way of hugging aound the neck (which we have told him not to do and why) that has got him into trouble. This all happened at break time of course and school acknowledge that he needs help (and watching) in the playground but it doesn't happen (or not closely enough). Teacher supposedly saw the incident but from what DS says it was 3 separate incidents and the first one was caused because another child interfered (one of a few children who seem to delight in getting DS into trouble at the moment) pulling DS and the child being "hugged" over but teacher wasn't available as they were dealing with something else. 
and I am not sure what to do.
with a "it's time we did something about this" comment! I agreed of course ;)but I suspect that what I am thinking needs to be done is not the same as what he is thinking 
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