how to deal with?

Gentle hugs sunny - it's awful isn't it being so torn. You can only do so much though and I suppose my approach when ds in particular was or does make poor choices is that at least he is able to make choices for himself and to choose consequences as a result. Ok they may not be our choices or far from what we would ever want for our children but it is part of the detaching and maturing process - albeit for many of our children it comes with added twists as they want us to suffer as much as possible with their own turmoil at this time.

In the face of incredibly difficult circumstances and loyalties to your other son and your poor dh - you have done an amazing job of staying connected to your younger ds despite his very challenging behaviour - he cannot expect equal treatment as both your boys simply have different needs and circumstances so you must respond accordingly. It is a sign of his lack of maturity yet that he expects otherwise so hold to your course and limit the negative interactions where possible as that just reinforces old habits. If he starts to whinge bring this to a close with sweetness and light on your part. I know it is really difficult but try not to let him see his attitude rattles you - come home and cry buckets if you must or post here!

Look after yourself and remind yourself you are an amazing mum and he will start to take his cue from you and also his other brother if he sees his strategy doesn't have the effect of grinding you down - just hold your course and stay strong!

Much love and strength sunny

Mxx

Thank you friends I knew you would understand.

What is so difficult is that he really believes he is not at fault and we are just being mean to him.  When he lived at home he had everything he wanted but blew it with his behaviour. But try telling him that. He just cant or won't see it. I guess it's hard to blame yourself and easier to blame other people.

I feel sorry and sad for him and wish things could be different.  I miss the cute little boy I adopted and dont recognise him in this angry aggressive young man. He feels alone and I can't do anything about that. He cant rely on his brother as their relationship is so flawed.

Thanks for understanding sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and can see no end to all this.

Extra hugs sunny - some days all this stuff is overwhelming!  So be kind to yourself and your dh as you are both what keeps the show on the right road.

forgive me but I did have a wry smile when you wrote about your ds blaming others so easily when you are racking yourself for things that are not within your power as many of us do... If only we were not so frail in our humanity... But we can only do our best in challenging circumstances and goodness knows you have gone beyond into that wilderness where sadly many others have also found themselves.

i share your grief for the little vulnerable boy that once was but they are still there for all their bluff and bluster and still need us to set boundaries so they can navigate this world even if it is to teach them the fundamentals still about our roles and the fact we are not just parents but human beings with rights and responsibilities as much as theirs and equal of respect.  It is a two way street.

i too feel sad that for all the work we have done, the relationship between my two has faltered of late, perhaps because of their trauma bonds, perhaps because one had to leave or just perhaps because some sibs/ half sibs just don't have that kind of relationship - but today he has you so make the good moments as positive as you can and keep moving forwards with him - but don't let him drag you into his negative spiral.  You are a great mum  - he is just on a slower development track to maturity to his brother so needs a little more time and practice!

in the meantime dwell on what you have succeeded in and let that give you strength and empowerment to carry on - and shed the tears you need as they are well earned.

much love and strength sunny.

mx

Hugs Sunnysky,

It is hard to step back and let go of the little boy he once was, but he is an adult now, and you cannot be held responsible for him forever. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and make his own mistakes and blunders and there is nothing you can say or do that will change this. All you can do is take a step back, be there in the background, if needed and you have to focus on your own life and your relationship with your DH. DH needs your attention and he deserves it more than your DS does. He has been badly hurt by DS and may never get over that hurt, but that is your DH's issue, not yours.

You can still have a relationship with DS outside of the home, on neutral ground, where you can leave if it becomes abusive or uneasy, where you can say I'm going now and walk away when DS is being controlling or manipulative. Do not allow him to control you, you don't have to put up with this behaviour anymore, now that he no longer lives with you and is now an adult.

Distancing yourself a little bit might actually help your relationship with DS. He may see that you are stronger now and not going to tolerate being blackmailed. He needs to know that you DO love him, but will not tolerate being abused/manipulated.

Hopefully as he matures he will eventually realise that it was his actions that changed things. That he was at fault and that's why his Dad can no longer be so close anymore and hopefully he will change. If not then you can continue to see him occasionally, but you do not have to take HIS issues onboard. They are HIS issues and you have done enough. He needs to sort them out for himself.

I don't know if you've ever considered counselling. I think it would really help you to come to terms with what's happened and to realise that it is not your fault. You did your best with DS and the rest is down to him. If you can persuade him to have counselling too, it would really help him to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions. He cannot go through life blaming others for everything, he needs to accept some of it is down to him. But whether he would agree to counselling is another thing. That's down to him, but I do think it would help you and DH to move on.

Hugs to you xx Keep posting if it helps. xx