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Post by sockthing on Jan 23, 2014 10:29:35 GMT
This weekend Kipper will have been with us for exactly 3 years. Why am I feeling so sad??
i adore this boy. He's lovely, he's funny, and in among all the ups and downs and swirling emotion he's a constant surprise and delight. I love being a family. But I feel really really sad. What's that about? I feel sad that I'm sad! and guilty too.
Maybe it's because I had hoped we would be further into our relationship by now than we are? Even though this last year has been very positive and we've come on in leaps and bounds together.
Maybe be it's because kipper himself seems very churned up emotionally? He's been massively clingy, behaving more like a 14 month old than a nearly 4yr old. He's playing "babies" constantly...maybe he's working stuff through.
Maybe I feel sad because kippers emotions are making me aware that our anniversary is also an anniversary of a painful time for him.
Doesn't help that he started the day by frowning fiercely and saying "I am naughty. I'm going to be naughty all the day long". We also had a chat in which he told me he loves daddy more than me. He didn't say it spitefully, he said it cheerfully, innocently, as a statement of fact. That's why it hurt so much - he was just being honest. I know I should brush it aside as the irrational workings of a 3 year old, but I really am struggling to do so.
This anniversary has also coincided with my sisters and her small children going back to New Zealand. We probably won't see them again for several years. Perhaps I'm just being self pitying!
Im aware are that many if you are going through really traumatic times with your older children, so forgive me if this all seems trivial, but I do appreciate the place to voice it, where people understand.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 23, 2014 10:38:59 GMT
But he didnt say he didnt love you. We are coming up for two years, I often feel sad, Simba is doing so well, we are doing well, but its all that other stuff in the background isnt it, that will never go away, their past, those shadowy birth familys (though not so shadowy in our case!)
And your sister going is bound to make you feel down.
(((sockthing)))
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Post by sockthing on Jan 23, 2014 10:58:08 GMT
Thanks Serrakunda. You're absolutely right, I know he loves me, and I couldn't have said that a year ago, so that's wonderful progress. perhaps it's just having had to work SOO hard to get to this point of attachment and trust, the small things swipe me sideways when I'm not on top form. Yes ..all that stuff in the background, you're never free from it are you? And there's so much STUFF that comes with adoption, we're still puzzling kippers difficulties and needs; attachment, social communication, sensory. Wondering what there is of each and how much and how to.help. And all the while my friends and family don't GET any of it..he's just a normal little boy.
On the plus side, this is the year that I fell in love with Kipper, and really felt like his mum for the first time! I've been able to leave him at nursery - albeit for very small sessions - and that was unimaginable a year ago. His confidence and self belief has really come on, allowing himself to believe it's ok to be a "big boy" , and do big boy things. He gives me spontaneous kisses sometimes now too. : )
Thank you.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2014 14:05:24 GMT
Hugs to you Sockthing. xxxx
It's so hard. We adopters are sponges, especially us Mothers, we soak up all our children's hurts and we want to make everything better for them and sometimes we can't. We can only do our best and we kill ourselves trying to fix everything and inside we know we can't.
We fight all the other people, family, friends, teachers, professionals, all the people who think they know more about children then we do and they don't - They don't have a clue of all the hidden stuff. They see a superficially happy/content child and have no idea of what lurks underneath. They pick apart our parenting, telling us to do this and that, try thing approach, try that approach and then finally after months and sometimes years they admit defeat and pass us on to some new idea or therapy because they run out of suggestions and are stumped, but they aren't living it 24/7. They get a break from it, we don't and that is what's hard.
If you child has an obvious disability like if the are in a wheelchair or look obviously disabled, people are more tolerant and more understanding, but as most of our children look absolutely normal there is no sympathy or understanding at all. They just blame our parenting - we should be stricter, less strict, have more boundaries, less boundaries, use reward charts, use consequences and the list goes on and on .... contradictory advice depending on what specialist you see and the new "trend" of the day. That's the problem, we bend over backwards trying to do the right thing and often lose our own instincts in the process.
I really like the phrase be a "good enough mother", maybe if we stopped being so hard on ourselves and just accepted our own failings and try to be good enough, we might achieve more in the long run.
I hope you can take the time to look back on the progress Kipper has made in the 3 years he has been with you. I imagine where he would be if he hadn't been with you and just celebrate that. That and your love for him which shines out of your post. He is a lucky little boy and I'm sure he know that and loves you for it.
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soon2be3
Bronze Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 72 
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Post by soon2be3 on Jan 23, 2014 14:11:54 GMT
Sending you a hug. It sounds like you have all come such a long way in 3 years and that it it's self can be difficult looking back. I grieved the time I was not with my AS and felt very upset that I had not been able to protect him before he came home. I know there was nothing I could do but didn't stop me beating myself up about it. We are 3 years next month and I am beginning to accept that life will never be what I thought it was going to be but very different. It must be very hard knowing you are going to have to say goodbye to your sister as well.
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Post by sivier on Jan 23, 2014 16:42:44 GMT
Think soon2be3 makes a very good point. I often think about the time I didn't have with AD at those points where we are also celebrating the time we have had. So at three years in (October just gone) I thought a lot about the 18 months I hadn't had with her. Which makes me sad, too, even as I'm celebrating her.
jmk also is spot on about what we put in, and what so many others don't know, can't see, or don't want to believe. It does make things hard at times.
Your boy sounds gorgeous and you are clearly a lovely, fabulous mum to him. And yes, it is even more of an ask when you he says things like he loves DH more. But watch Kipper's actions, I'm sure his love for you is in there, growing, gathering confidence.
Over Christmas my AD, at 3.25 years in, started to tell me that she loves me. Properly - looking at me, spontaneous and affectionate with it. 5 months ago she said when we were playing, 'I love Daddy but I don't love you'. Very matter of factly, quite gently in fact, but yes, ouch. DH said that her actions belied this. I didn't always see it but actually, I think they did and she's got there in her own way.
Congratulations on three years with your son!
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Post by vickyvixen on Jan 23, 2014 18:45:05 GMT
Congratulations on your 3 years - and for all that you've achieved & developed these past 12 months. Maybe it is because of all those achievements/hurdles you've overcome in the past 12 months that you can now subconsciously let your feelings out and that is why you're feeling sad. But wow - you have fallen in love with your boy and he feels confident enough in your love to tell you that. And, as others have said, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.
It must be so hard with your sister too - while Skype is a wonderful thing it is not the same. I hope you feel happier soon
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Post by leo on Jan 23, 2014 20:24:31 GMT
It is so hard isn't it that nothing in adoption is ever a true celebration; there is always a complication or a sad element. (And the added sadness of your sister moving away must be so difficult for you.)
There is such a lot to be positive about in your message though. It shines through how much you love Kipper, how attuned you are to his needs and your knowledge of where he is developmentally.
Congratulations on three years as a family.
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Post by sockthing on Jan 24, 2014 20:54:54 GMT
Just a quick thank you to everyone. Everybody has said something that I recognise, and I think there's an awful lot of different things coming into play emotionally. It's been a bit of a pants week generally, so I'm sure next week I'll be feeling more myself.
Thanks again, it's always helpful when people understand.
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