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Post by daffin on Jan 17, 2014 19:51:20 GMT
Gah! Met with Mouse's SW today. She mentioned in passing BM's diagnosis of BPD. 'Oh' I say. 'Is that a new diagnosis? We knew about the depression, self harm, agoraphobia and Tourette's (!!!!) but have never heard about BPD.' Answer - 'no, it's not new. It was known about during the previous care proceedings' (i.e. For DS and the older sibs). He's been with us for over 2 years years and care proceedings started the previous summer, so..... It seems a strange omission not to mention this, given that some theories suggest a genetic factor. He's our boy, and I love him to bits. It's not that I'm regretting anything, it's just I wonder what else they haven't told us. (And also with now 2 kids with a genetic vulnerability to that soup of mental health problems, you kind of need to know what you're taking on). Not just that but in the final draft of the homestudy report compiled for Mouse's placement we suddenly learned that DS had been diagnosed with insecure avoidant and defended attachment disorder prior to placement. Would have been kind of useful to know, no? This is from an LA that got Outstanding from Ofted. God help the people who have to deal with LA's who score poorly!
just letting off steam. Feel quite cross! I really want to read their SS files now and find out what other gems are lurking.
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Post by donatella on Jan 17, 2014 20:50:58 GMT
Birth mum of two of mine has that dx too. I do, though, wonder. My daughter, 8 now, was dx asd last year. Her half sib, our son, also has traits. ASD in girls has long gone undiagnosed and I think it's possible that my kids bm was incorrectly diagnosed. It seems to be so much harder to dx in girls.
A bummer though that no-one thought to mention it.
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Post by ham on Jan 17, 2014 21:20:54 GMT
No one thought to say about my Dd abuse even when I asked the direct question was told it was not a concern.then I read case conference notes (thanks to my gp)and in black and white it was there.
Lies seem to be a big part of adoption..
Sometimes think a class action should be taken for lies told to adopters.
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Post by moo on Jan 18, 2014 7:54:15 GMT
Why are there so many lies or not feesing up to suspected as yet un Dx..... It seems all too common.... Surely the s/w can't truly believe it would put prospectives off.... Forewarned is forearmed surely???
Sorry to read this daffin..... When it has sunk in consider insisting on having access to ds notes particularly from reviews & medicals....
Hugs & Good Luck..........
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by kizim on Jan 18, 2014 12:48:15 GMT
the craziest lie SS told me was...prior to introductions...that my soon to be baby girl was fair haired...when we met it was plain to see that she was a red head!!! Did they think İ wouldn't notice..or that İ would care. ?? İncredible. Actually because she has been brought up in sunny Turkey she is now a gorgeous strawberry blonde. that was the least damaging lie...they also told me there were no problems on bm's side other than her choice of partner - then İ discovered the rape/drug/alcohol/murder/ matricide - mainly from my neighbour WHO saw the article in a trashy magazine real life story! Why?  ? Jofran |
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Post by daffin on Jan 18, 2014 13:31:47 GMT
Wow Jofran! That is just nuts.
I don't understand this latest disclosure of ours - or rather the previous 'omission'. Our SW looked genuinely shocked in the summer when I commented on our homestudy report that we hadn't known Monkey Boy's dx. How would we know if she didn't tell us and it wasn't in the paperwork? Made me think that it was a case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand was doing. Now I'm not so sure. Perhaps they have a systematic approach of keeping scary sounding diagnoses out of the paperwork given to prospectives. If that's the case it is bl**dy unfair. Given the other stuff didn't scare us off, surely they could trust us with this other stuff. And boy oh boy, knowing Monkey Boy's dx would have really helped in the dark early days of his placement, when he was lashing out at me, viciously, whenever I tried to do anything for him! And the SW yesterday looked surprised we didn't know BM's full dx.
We will certainly push to see the files. We'll just wait to get Mouse's Adoption Order first. Our LA seem super sensitive to any sniff of criticism and we don't want to rock the boat.....
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Post by chotimonkey on Jan 18, 2014 14:46:44 GMT
I can't believe what is considered 'not rekevant' or held is held back, when you're parenting you need to know as much as us humanly possible. That's terrible
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Post by milly on Jan 18, 2014 16:36:20 GMT
No wonder you're cross. Is it inefficiency or deliberate withholding, I wonder? Or possibly that it was seen as BM's private information by somebody who didn't think of the relevance it would have for you? Mind you BPD has many forms as I understand it, and hers may be covered in what you actually do know, since what you know tells you she has many difficulties?
The LA of one of mine was either hopelessly inefficient or determined to withhold information - they were, and are, so slippery to deal with, although personnel change all the time so I suspect inefficiency on the whole. Although we knew it was likely, we only found out that bm was said to have drunk during pregnancy when our GP gave a summary of dd's medical records for us to take to a medical appointment. The LA probably thought they had told us, although were also very cagey re personal stuff about BM to protect her confidentiality. Luckily dd has been here over 6 years with no signs of FAS or FAE so we were merely indignant at the revelation.
Good luck with adoption order. |
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Post by daffin on Jan 18, 2014 23:17:49 GMT
Thanks again everyone. I've calmed down a lot now. I think it's probably inefficiency rather than anything more sinister, but REALLY! And I've done more reading and it does seem as though BPD can have a genetic component..... But it can also be triggered by childhood trauma and neglect. We know BM experienced both. But then so did Monkey Boy, so let's hope that that isn't a future struggle he has to face!
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Post by gilreth on Jan 19, 2014 0:11:55 GMT
Apparently there is something on Radio 5 tomorrow morning (11.30ish I think) about the fact that at least a third of adopters do not get told a lot of information they should be. As far a I know at the moment we have everything - and given Sqk's later life letter I think we do (that is a hard read and we are going to have to think about when he gets it). However we have that unusal thing in our LA - a child's SW who does everything - we have all the paperwork from her we need to when we got for AO - and this is when she is 8 months+ pregnant. Hate the fact we are getting a new SW for Sqk - if they bother to appoint one at all that is given he is placed with us. At least our SW is also good...
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Post by ham on Jan 19, 2014 7:40:40 GMT
Very interesting I was asked to share some info re my children to some prospective adopters re a half sibling. I agreed but it was not to be sugar coated.the LA did not get back to me for any info I think they saw the £ signs before their eyes and Actually think it is gross misconduct or some such term as there is important stuff they need to know.
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Post by jollymummy on Jan 19, 2014 8:39:19 GMT
Daffin - I would get SS to put in writing some agreement to provide therapy for Mouse when he needs it later, as a teen. It is hard to get SS to agree to provide anything other than CAMHS - who are mostly inadequate for adopted children. You are in a good position to demand it now - given that they have almost certainly withheld this information intentionally. But will probably have neither the energy nor the bargaining power when he hits his teens and everything goes belly-up.
Not sure if you look at the teens board, but lots of details there about what can go wrong with adopted teens.
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Post by jollymummy on Jan 19, 2014 8:40:50 GMT
My children's BM had "BPD traits" and one of my daughters has been in hospital for a year with (amongst other things) emerging personality disorder. Her twin was in a MH unit for 7 months (with no diagnosis) and is now in a therapeutic community.
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Post by daffin on Jan 19, 2014 16:33:07 GMT
We still don't have a later life letter. I have worn myself hoar*e asking for it. I agree we should get a written commitment to support mental health inputs later. Given the challenges Monkey Boy faces already I think this will be sooner than his teen years! Yes, I do read posts on the teen boards - sobering stuff it is, too.
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Post by daffin on Jan 19, 2014 17:33:06 GMT
My last post was a bit abrupt! I was being called by DH to go out and was just taking a sneaky moment to myself on the sofa with the baby and the ipad! Thanks everyone for your moral support! It makes a huge difference, as I can't imagine discussing this at all with non-adopters!
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Post by jollymummy on Jan 19, 2014 21:09:42 GMT
We still haven't got later life letters (although have now been provided to our SW) - 11 1/2 years after they came home!!
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Post by daffin on Jan 19, 2014 22:05:10 GMT
Jollymummy, that is ridiculous. What reason have SS given for a delay like that?
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Post by jollymummy on Jan 19, 2014 22:13:35 GMT
Well it wasn't done on placement and it wasn't until they started having problems and SS started lifestory work (they had no life story books) that we realised they hadn't been done.
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Post by smileycat on Jan 20, 2014 14:33:13 GMT
Ah personality disorder- one of our two's BP's has one only learnt about it when DS was placed and well we weren't going to give him and his sister back at that point now were we...!!! Life story books, later life letters... DD has one of each because I pushed and pushed, Ds has neither.... given how dreadful DD's life book was I thought I wouldn't bother and the later life letter for him, I'm so fed up emailing and asking.... Sigh... And as for post adoption support- can you hear me laughing... you should be able to... Seems you are not alone Daffin...  |
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Post by daffin on Jan 20, 2014 14:56:46 GMT
This is rubbish Smileycat. Sigh.
Have you asked for post adoption support? We did, about 8 weeks after Monkey Boy moved in. The whole experience was demoralising and made MB more not less anxious. It has made us tentative about asking for more 'help', but MB is older now and some of his behaviours are very stubborn to shift. As he gets older other parents are less willing to explain them away as normal toddler stuff and I feel we have to help him unravel some of his anxieties with professional help. No least because being hit and kicked daily by a 4 year old is tiresome but by a 14 year old is dangerous!
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