Emotions - they're all wrong....

Gosh, she sounds like a very confused little girl - and it must be exhausting for you.

I wonder if you are able to lower the tension around this behaviour by maybe deflecting it rather than giving a direct challenge or response to it? When she says 'I don't care' I wonder if you could try responses such as 'Oh that's a shame' or 'That's sad because I do' or 'Well, I love you anyway' or 'I feel ..., I wonder if you do too but are struggling with the words?' or a simple 'Is that how it feels for you?' and then move on (no actual challenge, all said in a caring, 'wondering' kind of manner).

My little boy Tsunami finds emotions incredibly difficult to get the hang of and he either copies other people's or guesses (and often gets the wrong one). Something that helped him was having a wall chart (grand name for 5 sheets of paper with faces drawn on!) that had labels of happy, sad, cross (he didn't really know the word angry), scared and 'don't know' written on them. I went through the day carrying a set of post it notes with me and as much as was humanly possible wrote little notes on them eg. Tsunami sat at the table ('without throwing his chair at me' was the unwritten bit!) or 'I saw Tsunami pass a bit of duplo to Hurricane'.

Each afternoon/early evening, we would sit down and I would stick the post it notes on the wall chart according to where it should go. I did it this way for a few reasons - firstly, he could not cope at that time with identifying any emotions himself, let alone displaying his own - so these were my feelings going on display; secondly, he is a child who cannot cope with praise or thinking about emotions when still in that particular situation (all praise and talking about emotions has to be delayed and separated from the actual event).

We moved on to him being able to put the notes up for me when I told him which face they needed to go onto, then him choosing for himself which face to put them on, then slowly me starting to write 1 thing for him to put up about himself/for himself (I think this is when I added the 'I don't know' face as it gave him a sort of 'get out' clause when it was too tough or he simply really didn't know).

Once he had got the hang of this, we started making paintings and collages of things that made each of us happy (always started anything about emotions with lots of happy stuff). He is unable to generate ideas for himself so I always have to give him suggestions - but he is now able to tell me happy or sad when I present him with a situation/event. During difficult times, his brother uses a 'feelings ruler' to show his emotions (simply a ruler sized/shaped piece of card with different facial expressions drawn on - there is a paperclip attached to the top and he slides it along to point at the face of how he's feeling). It seems to help him to have something non verbal to use.

Tsunami can also appear to turn his emotions on and off like a tap. He can be in a howling, spitting, biting, kicking rage when he spots a plane in the sky, calms instantly and says 'Oh Mummy, can you see that plane, isn't it leaving a lovely jet trail...' then switch instantly back into the tantrum!

I think sometimes, children who present like your daughter is (and as Tsunami does) are those who are maybe very disconnected from their feelings because they have become so used to hiding them behind a great big protective wall in order to feel/stay safe - and then they lose the gateway through that wall and have no idea what they are feeling when. Does she also struggle with not feeling pain appropriately? Does she have appropriate separation anxiety? (or like Tsunami is she 'apparently' perfectly happy whoever she is with and doesn't give you a backwards glance?)

There could also be a language elelment in this - does she have any language delay? Especially in terms of her understanding (ability to follow instructions, reading comprehension, ability to tell a 'story' of the events that have happened in her day...) If this is the case then trying to explain in a language based way just isn't going to work and would be incredibly frustrating for you.

It is exhausting and confusing to parent a child who has so little concept of their own feelings and I'm not surprised you are struggling. There are some positives though - you are saying that she has become more predictable lately and thus more manageable. Sorry if this is more of a ramble than a help!

One thing that helped my Dd was to vocalise to her when I was experienceing an emotion -pretending to be sad happy did not do it for her.the I would also name hers so she could understand what it was to feel sad, angry etc

Monkey, I was just going to start a new thread and then saw yours. - So much similarity, I mean the unreal emotions, going from hysterics into smiley face and back, only my little one is much younger. I am struggling terribly with all this at the mo, all made worse by her also gong through terrible twos anyway and how do you distinguish what is what. Her language is good for her age, still she has no clue about her own emotions at that age anyway, made worse by the fact that she seems to think she must rely on herself.

Feeling so exhausted myself, I have given an awful lot during the last six months, but life is no fun and I am dreading what each day may bring. I have had some support from a psychologist, but I am getting to the point where I feel I need more help than LO. She is trying so hard to make me angry and slowly but steadily she is succeeding. I feel I need a break and on a regular basis otherwise I will not be any good in supporting her.

Sorry if I have slightly hijacked your post. But it looks like we are sadly in the same place. xx

Hi Flutterby
I was talking to another adopter earlier this week and we both remarked and wondered how such small children can push your buttons to the point of making you angry when prior to adoption we were both calm, level headed people.
I've had some time this week where I've been able to let off some steam and am feeling more positive in myself. It sounds as if you need to do this too.
Do you have an adoption support group in your area you can go along to?
I'm also doing an attachment course, similar to the one Sooz did by the sounds of it. I'm getting quite a lot out of meeting up with other adoptive parents most of whom are in the same boat as me. Does your LA run anything similar?
I've also joined a group for parents with children with additional needs (non adoption related) and I think this has helped too.
I hope things pick up for you as you sound pretty desperate.
Best wishes. MMx

Monkey and Flutterby, just reading your posts about you both wanting to get in touch with other adopters who "get it".

Have you had a look at the "meet up with other adopters in your area" thread, on the security board. There may already be someone near you who is looking to meet others. If more members posted on there you would be able to see who is near you and pm each other and arrange to meet for a coffee and chat.

We have nearly 180 members, but most haven't posted on there and it is secure so only members can see it, not passerbys.