bluebell
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Post by bluebell on Jan 10, 2014 20:22:57 GMT
Hi all,
first post and apologies in advance for the ramble!
little bell has been with us 5 months and is gorgeous. She always was a good sleeper, occasionally waking once for a nappy change or cuddle & then back to sleep.
Grandma has loved getting to know her so asked if she would be happy to babysit as we had been invited out for a couple of evenings before Christmas. Introduced grandma to bedtime routines and she started putting bell to bed once a week so we were all used to it. First night out came and she slept til 2am before we couldn't re-settle her for about 3hrs. Then after 2/3 wakings a night some for longer than an hour to re-settle, very unusual for bell. Kept reassuring and all seemed to settle back to normal in a couple of weeks which is of course when we went out again. Basically the same thing has happened except it has continued on for longer and we can't seem to get back to normal sleeping patterns.
She goes down to sleep generally quite well. If she wakes in the evening a few mins cuddle is all she needs which I think is to check we are still here. But later in the night we would change nappy, cuddle, put music on and she still can't settle. If we stay in room with her beside cot this seems to keep her awake as she checks whether we are there. If we leave room she cries again after about 10mins.
really my question is should we continue with trying to get her used to us going out although probably only talking about once a month if that, or do we say no more for 6/12 months and let her settle in more. She never had a babysitter at foster carers so we thought we had eased her into the idea gently, but clearly not.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
bluebell x
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Post by Ad-minnie! on Jan 10, 2014 22:49:59 GMT
Hi there, Do you leave LO during day time at all? Or had you prior to going out? You may have done exactly this but with LO, first I left him for a few mins with Grandma at a café whilst we were out shopping but he knew I was in the same shop, then left him for few mins at home, then went for 45 mins and increased it. I was hoping he would begin to understand that although I went out, I would come back. However, that said, when I left him for an evening, that was more difficult and Grandma couldn't settle him ... and took me over an hour to do so when I got back. I did leave going out in the evening for a bit after that. I did then try again and it has been OK overall. I think our little ones need to learn that although we go out we do come back. If we never leave them they can't learn this ... an important message for our children. Other adopters have mentioned things like giving the child something that smells of you, e.g. a piece of clothing as this can be comforting. With my LO, I would let him choose something of mine to look after. What was sweet was he then gave me something of his to look after! I think for adopted children these sorts of things help them feel connected to us when we are not there. Like you, I used Grandma as he had built up a relationship with her already. Sorry, I am not sure my reply is much help. I hope others will be along soon with some ideas  Minnie x PS. Having some time for you is important!!! So hope you find a way of making it work |
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Post by moo on Jan 11, 2014 8:01:46 GMT
Sorry you havn't had more replies....
Would it help to consider the most probable wake up times...
I mean if little bell goes off to sleep very well & then doesn't wake till very late (2 ish) just to re-establish routine, would it perhaps help for you to put little bell to bed & then if wakes little bell may not know you have been out iykwim.....
You could perhaps then after some time have grandma to tea & be in the house & help you do bedtime... But you still be there & again if little bell wakes before you are back grandma is known to be at home too....
Maybe I have got the waking times wrong but that would be my plan for the short term just to get over this unease at the moment....
Hth....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by daffin on Jan 11, 2014 10:04:31 GMT
I find leaving DS quite tricky. We don't have family close by, so we can't rely on them for babysitting, but we have good friends up the road and have had one of them babysit a couple of times (only 3 times in over 2 years, which sounds kind of crazy, but DS was very anxious when he first moved in and it was really important that we promote his attachment to me, as he was very fearful around me for the first few months). DS is relaxed with our friend, as we go to her house quite often for play dates, so as others have mentioned, perhaps daytime with Grandma is going to be the key. I also wonder whether it is perhaps too soon for DD to be left at night (when kid's vulnerabilities can be intense) and that you need to work on comfort with day time separation first.
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bluebell
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Post by bluebell on Jan 11, 2014 13:52:01 GMT
Thank you all for your replies.
Yes I have left her in the day with grandma and my sister at home, sometimes going out or just going upstairs to sort the laundry etc, varying amounts of time, although probably not more than once a week so maybe I could up this a bit. Grandma has also taken her out for dog walks a couple of times recently and she is happy to go. But that will be different to me going out, as opposed to her.
I have left her regularly with DH in the day for short periods and after a few times she realised that I did come back so was not as upset when I left after that. We have also told her when I am going out for the evening and DH is putting her to bed and will be there if she wakes up. I had read about giving LO something of yours but not thinking to use it.
She isn't talking yet so it doesn't help that she cant tell me why she's woken up, as in reality it could be any number of normal toddler issues. She has favoured a teddy given by FC's since being with us so we are encouraging her to use this to comfort in general at night but will also try to introduce something of mine as well for times when I am out. Will try this in the day first with DH and Grandma.
Moo, If I was going out early on in placement, I did do this without her knowing and after she had gone to bed as she rarely woke in the evening, but when she was used to DH putting her to bed we decided to start telling her in preparation for the time we would both be out and leaving Grandma to it. However, now we could not guess the time as there seems to be no pattern what so ever.
I have started to keep a diary of what she's eaten in the day, sugar intake particularly, activities we have done etc.. to see if there is anything else I am missing.
Will give these a go and take it more slowly over coming months.
Many thanks
xx
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Post by chotimonkey on Jan 11, 2014 14:57:22 GMT
i was just wondering if inadvertantly your intro to grandma putting her to bed reminds her of the changover from fc to you, its still not that long ago and it might have a similar feel to it of you withdrawing gently and letting someone else take over caring...
just a suggestion, might not be that at all.
i was also wondering if she is preverbal how much she understands when you explain that you are going out, it could be she doesn't fully understand what you mean, could you make her a little story board with photos of whats happening eg
1 mummy kissing her good bye and leaving her somthiong of yours
2 granny smiling and tucking her into bed
3 her sleeping with something of yours
4 her waking up and seeing mummy in the morning
5 mummy giving her a big hug and kiss for looking after the something so well
if you use it as a story from time to time maybe the narrative of going and coming could help reinforce that you always come back, as well as smiley faces
i don't know how old bell is but with howler, she came at 8 months and slept like an absolute dream up until she was about 22 months, then we had 2 months of early hours waking and not being able to soothe unless we stayed with her, and then still being awake. think it was a separation thing when the attachment started in earnest and she got a real delayed separation anxiety that only manifested at night. for us we gave her cuddle if she was crying, then sat with her for a week or so then next to her for another week then gradually further away pver the next few nights, then at the door, then woth the door open sp she could see i was there reading my kindle, then with door half shut so she could call and hear me, and now she is a good sleeper (unless ill) again. might be that, children sometimes lose their rhythm with sleep and it can take them awhile to get it back again
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2014 19:23:10 GMT
Is there room for Grandma to stay over one night a week on a regular basis, so that she does the bedtime routine, bathing Little Bell, reading her a story, putting her to bed while you and DH have a meal downstairs, but are still around if needed, just so LO gets used to Grandma doing it, but knows you are there? Maybe let Grandma be the one who goes in to her when she wakes up the next morning and if she takes LO down for breakfast, giving you and DH a lie in.
That way LO will get used to Grandma being around, doing the bedtime and morning routine, giving you a rest and then when she is familiar with it all if LO wakes up when you are out, she won't be surprised if she sees Grandma instead of you so to speak.
I would do this slowly, so she gets used to it, but would definately persist with it because having a date night with DH at least once a month is vital for some adult time away from LO just to be a couple. It is so important.
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Post by justbserene11 on Jan 11, 2014 20:25:34 GMT
Initially our LO once a sleep would not wake up, so on occasion we would pop out leaving her Grandparents to babysit. However, nearly a year into placement she woke up and would not settle until we returned home. Since then bedtimes have been tricky due to her anxiety. I now have to lay with her in our bed and then transfer her to her own bed when she has fallen a sleep.
I would still go out, down time is very important. You could initially go out separately then build upto a night out together perhaps? Or begin by going out in the day for lunch together and then gradually build upto evening time?
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bluebell
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Post by bluebell on Jan 12, 2014 21:26:34 GMT
Hi all.
Can you believe it she has just slept through the last 2 nights, but taken ages to go down to sleep in the first place!! Complete opposite. I wake up each morning, thank the clock that it says 6:something and then ask DH if she woke in the night as I can't remember whether i got up or not!
I hadn't thought of a story board, chotimonkey, but will try it as she will love the photos and if its helps her to settle with the idea more, then great. We dont go out that often so I would like to relax knowing she is ok with it at some point.
jmk, yes grandma could stay the night and go to her in the morning so - a lie in - my sleep pattern is completely of track so a lie in would just be wonderful.
b11, have spoken with grandma about doing more daytime stuff so I think then combined with the one night a week bed routine, and us still being around, it may help.
We will persevere but more slowly and will try out some of the ideas to help Little Bell understand that it is not the start of another big change in her life.
Thanks so much for your advice.
xx
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