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Post by chocolatedog on Jan 7, 2014 10:26:02 GMT
Just wondering if anyone can give some advice. Junior has always, since coming to us aged 11 months nearly 6 years ago, had a fantastic sleep routine and pattern, and has been able to get to sleep by himself and sleep through the night for at least 11 hours without problem - except for illness or nightmares. The past 4 months have been a totally different story....... He needs us (mostly me) there to enable him to get to sleep. Initially I could sit on the sofa in his room and he would then fall asleep. But this has regressed and regressed to the extent that he now sleeps in my bed and needs me there to hold him to help him fall asleep and to be there if he wakes during his light sleep cycle during the night. Unfortunately I have always been a poor sleeper myself, and if awakened, find it hard to get back to sleep, and cannot sleep if in physical contact with anyone (and junior is like a heat-seeking missile during the night!) so now my sleep is really suffering - I'm getting too wound up myself to sleep so now I'm decamping to hs bed to try to sleep, but then if he wakes up he decamps too! Aaarrrggghhhh! Anyone got any pearls of wisdom for how to help him self soothe and sleep by himself again? I had wondered if it's physical presence he needs, or the sensory physical touch - if the latter, would weighted blankets help him to feel more secure again? We've got a CAMHS appointment this evening but I expect the solutions they suggest would be suitable for more or less securely attached birth children, but not traumatized adopted children with a history of rejection and abandonment........ Hope someone can help! I'm really struggling now with the lack of sleep - I'm finding it hard to dig into my reserves to be patient loving and therapeutic.........  |
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Post by pluto on Jan 7, 2014 10:42:23 GMT
To me it sounds that your child might need some stricter bounderies around the bedtime routine. As you say it deteriated over time, he probably is also controling and the fact that he managed to get into your bed might be great for him, but not good for you. We as adopted parents have to take great care of our own health, not sleeping is no good. I know all about abandonment and trauma as I live with it daily, but we should not be so empathetic that we are the ones suffering. If you are not able to function because of sleep deprivation this can long term put the placement at risk.
If you are emotional avaliable for him all day than it is oke to not be avaliable after bedtime.
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 7, 2014 11:59:26 GMT
I'm with Pluto though I'd look back to what happened four months ago to change everything. If there was nothing specific and obvious I would be looking at getting him to stay in own bed at bedtime and work on that only until he's doing that happily then work on getting him back to bed if he gets into yours during the night later. If it was my youngest AS I'd be using cheery start of year new resolution approach explaining very clearly what I expected and then doing it. I'd also let him plan some of routine and goodnight ways of hugging/story/etc. I might do picture story of bedtime and go through it endless times in cheery way. As he's had you most of night I'd be aiming on him falling asleep in own bed as major achievement. There was a link to a goodnight card on here which I thought was great for those kids who are wanting some control but arn't that anxious. However if something traumatic happened four months ago I'd be taking a different approach.
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Post by chocolatedog on Jan 7, 2014 12:27:15 GMT
We got a cat plus there were various furniture changes and moves to accommodate the feline arrival - which considering his room hadn't really changed in 6 years might have really unsettled him. When I briefly mentioned it to a trauma therapist at a seminar she thought it might have triggered some unresolved trauma from babyhood. I've been sticking to his normal pre-bedtime routine same as it's been for the past few years, but it's as though he's literally terrified of being on his own.
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 7, 2014 12:52:34 GMT
Very difficult. With mine I took the you are very safe here, everything has been checked by Social workers, Judge, etc to keep you safe. If I am upset, worried this is what I do, etc. Can you go to just getting him to stay in bed for five minutes by himself rewarding that emotionally then letting him get in your bed and elongate the five mins over time? For mine I let him have play station but only upstairs so although he was arguing feeling scared at bedtime he was more than happy to leap upstairs in the dark to playstation. He only got it upstairs and only as a reward and then for an hour. Not saying you should do any of this just examples of what I did. We also then talked through lots of things during day and made references to bedtime/nighttime then so it wasn't a separate issue as it were. Other suggestions though I'm sure you've done it all. Something to hold of yours overnight, not keep safe as that gives wrong message. Story tape in bedroom with you sat in bedroom but not engaging. Doing lots of calm activities upstairs in bedroom during day so it becomes 'another' room? sorry feel you probably have done all this. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things ever!
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Post by donatella on Jan 7, 2014 13:07:51 GMT
My son was around this age when his sleep problems emerged. I have to be honest and say that nothing worked long term. His anxiety was too great to allow him to fall asleep. We tried monster sprays, dream catchers, lavender plug ins, having him in a sleeping bag in our room etc etc. Starting him off in our bed and taking him back to his own when we went to bed worked well for a while. Ultimately the only thing that worked here was/is melatonin.
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Post by chotimonkey on Jan 7, 2014 15:51:15 GMT
Not sure what to offer bout Los sleep but could you and dh tag team? Take alternate nights and make sure you get at least every other night as a reasonable nights sleep.
We had a lot of illness in the run up to Xmas and I got dh a night in a local hotel as an Xmas pressie, he went after work, took his pjs lay down and ordered room service, lay in till check out time and came home a v lovely calm daddy and husband promising to do the same for me...
You have to look after yourselves it's so important
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Post by sooz on Jan 7, 2014 16:39:31 GMT
Hi there
my ds slept well in his own room until he was 5! He now sleeps in with me and I feel he really needs this still.
however, we have mummy's bedroom rules if he wants to sleep in there. No toys in mummy's room, no noise or jumping about and, as I have explained to him, mummy needs her own space. I cannot sleep with anyone right up next to me so he knows he has to stick to his side. We've even put a pillow in the middle to mark out his space and mine.
we often make a joke of it, no encroaching etc... But, his choice if he can't handle the rules in my room is to go into his.
this way he gets the reassurance he needs and I get my space.
i know they can wriggle over while asleep, which is where a pillow helps, or something thinner like a swimming noodle?
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Post by daffin on Jan 7, 2014 19:37:37 GMT
DS has had difficulties with sleep since he moved in with us and I love my sleep, so you have my full sympathy. Just to add to the great ideas above, you might find a gradual retreat approach helps, once you get DS back into his bed at the start of the night. With our DS I started sitting on the floor next to his cot singing lullabies, holding his hand. Sang until he was asleep. Then I moved a metre away. Sang. Then 2. Gradually I worked my way out the door (4 months?) and eventually ended up in the next door room, with both doors open and me doing something that he could hear, like putting laundry away. Eventually I was able to put him to bed and go straight downstairs. Sleep is still the first thing to go with him when he's anxious and we rarely get him to sleep through the night, so although the retreat approach works for getting to stay in bed, it doesn't necessarily solve the problem. I think this approach could be adjusted for an older child. Also, I've just started giving DS a full body massage before bed. He loves it and drops off to sleep quickly afterwards (but, again, it doesn't mean he sleeps through the night). (He got the giggles to begin with and still fidgets, so it's something you have to persist with).
Another thought. I know a lot of kids have a period of thinking deeply about identity at around 7-8, and this can knock adopted kids off balance. Do you think your DS could be feeling tricky things about identity, and that feeding into his sleep anxieties?
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Post by leo on Jan 7, 2014 21:52:09 GMT
Can he have a little camp bed in your room and sleep on that for a few months? Still in your room so comforted by your presence but not then in your bed.
If not that then would he settle to sleep in your bed and then be able to be moved into his own bed (but with your pillow?) when you go up to bed?
Or... have you tried moving all the furniture back and explaining to him that you can see it obviously worried him, you're not quite sure why, but you want him to feel safe so you're putting it back as it was?
Or... him going to sleep with something that you need in the morning? (I have a non adopted niece who went through a stage where she would only sleep if she had my sister's car keys under her pillow - as in her mind then Mummy couldn't go out that night or leave in the morning without her knowing!)
Or... we use a 'talking button' at bedtime that I record a lullaby and a little message onto each night. They keep it by their pillows and can play it any time they wake up in the night or when they wake in the morning and it just provides them with some reassurance that I still love them, am still there, will still be there in the morning.
We go through patches of terrible sleep - including Hurricane for the last two months or so bursting into my bedroom like a, well, like a Hurricane!, the second he first wakes (which can be any time from 4:30 onwards) and it's just a panic. As soon as he realises I'm still there, he goes back to his room and goes back to sleep. By then of course, Tsunami has woken up and can't get back to sleep and my heart is in need of IV valium to recover from the shock of being woken so sharply.
Hope you find something that works as sleep deprivation is awful for the whole family.
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Post by chocolatedog on Jan 7, 2014 22:19:45 GMT
I think part of the problem is that it has come like a bolt out of the blue after so many years of good sleep. Tonight I lay down with him in his bed for 30 minutes but I can tell he's anxious and unsettled. Then we transferred and within 10 mins he was fast asleep.......
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Post by daffin on Jan 7, 2014 22:48:00 GMT
Poor kid. I hope you find a way to sort this all out soon.
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Post by chocolatedog on Jan 7, 2014 23:28:24 GMT
Unfortunately we can't move the furniture back as the old wardrobe in there was useless as storage so we gave it away to a friend....... So he's really just got to adjust I'm afraid.... |
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Post by moo on Jan 8, 2014 6:30:11 GMT
Oh c.d. this anxiety is such a worry for you...
Some really great advice....
Can't really add to it.. Just wanted to offer you support & hugs..{{}}
Hope he settles down soon xx
Xx. moo. Xx
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