|
|
Post by gilreth on Jan 4, 2014 22:51:00 GMT
We are (hopefully) meeting Sqk's birth parents on Wednesday. Been a lot of aggro as date & time arranged 8 weeks back then they decided they couldn't make original time. However thanks to my sister being extremely helpful (she is looking after Sqk) and Sqk's SW (at 8 mths pregnant) also going out of her way we sorted it. Another occasion to bless the fact that my sister is an adopter as well - she knows the importance of this meeting if it happens.
however given the aggro we haven't had much time to think about questions to ask - anyone got any ideas as my mind is refusing to work? This is early for a meeting in our LA but organised so his SW (from before birth) can be there as she knows family well after coming on 3 yrs involvement. Thought about asking birth time and weight as do not have that in documents, but beyond that am blank....
|
|
|
|
Post by Ad-minnie! on Jan 4, 2014 23:16:49 GMT
Ahhh! Just lost the reply I was typing.
I asked about why BM chose LO's name. I wish I had also asked about birth weight though and about what time LO was born as I haven't got that information anywhere.
BM talked a little about herself, where she grew up, where she went to school etc. This came about through the SWs who were there asking some questions but it was good to hear about these things. She also talked a bit about her own parents, what they did for a living, and her siblings.
One thing I would say, is do try and get someone to write down what is said (e.g. SW) or otherwise write it down as soon as you can. I so wish I had as I have forgotten so much which I very much regret. Although I had anticipated feeling anxious, I hadn't anticipated other emotions ... it was quite emotional and, therefore, tiring.
During the meeting BM asked about me, what I did for a living (though my SW and I had agreed what to say beforehand. My profession is small and we were worried about it being identifying if that makes sense), a bit about my education and things like that. I also talked a bit about my connections with people with LO's heritage. She was very concerned that LO would get good education as hers had not been.
The other thing is ask to take a photo of you and birth family if its OK? The SWs actually suggested this. I have a photo of BM and me together. BM did not get a copy ... only me. I was fortunate, in that although it was a bit awkward, she was OK with it.
The SWs for both my, LO and BM were very good at helping the meeting to go as smoothly as was possible. Also, they generally keep it very short indeed. I think it was no more than 20 mins if that. Do talk to your SW about it. Mine helped and we sorted out what details I would not be OK with BM knowing.
Not sure if that helps at all. It is so hard to say what specific questions to ask. Hopefully more people will make some suggestions.
Minnie x
|
|
|
|
Post by Ad-minnie! on Jan 4, 2014 23:21:07 GMT
PS. Just meeting BM sort of helped me and I am glad I can tell LO I did. There was a vulnerable side to her I would never have got from reading through the paperwork etc and a side of her that was genuinely concerned about LO, worried about what education LO might get, what activities I could support him with, and other things. I know this is not the same for all adopters though.
|
|
|
|
Post by gilreth on Jan 4, 2014 23:36:35 GMT
Thanks Ad-Minnie so e useful ideas there. Talking about work reminds me - DH & I both have to be generic about that as I am in a smallish profession (at least locally) and worst still there are not many females with my specialisation. Equally DH is in a much larger profession but locally he stands out a little. We are not far geographically from BP (across a city) so need to be careful. Our SW is driving us to meeting (so neither of our cars there) and has been very helpful already. Meeting will be shortish I suspect - rarely beyond 30 mins around here. And all depends on them turning up as BF is much less concerned than BM but very controlling.
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Jan 5, 2014 12:20:29 GMT
Aww good luck I found this really very daunting... That said it went well...
Thing I forgot was to get a photo of us together for the boys to see in the future ....really regret that.....
Coz of security had to be very careful as Minnie says so used an alias Christian name & far away location for where we live!! 
Boys sw scribed the Q's & answers for me.... Things I asked were :-
Do you have any talents? Drawing singing etc
Why the boys were named what they are
Earliest memories of boys achievements teeth walking etc ( couldn't remember!!!)
Fave food :- was it different when pregnant ( & each pregnancy. )
Cravings when preg
Happiest memories
What would she like to think they would be when older ( racing car driver & not sure for skweek )
She seemed in a daze not really bothered
Glad I did it but wish I had a pic...
Her only Q to me was What will you do if you get pregnant... Sad Q as she was worried I woud have birth children.... So once she was reassured things flowed better....
But she did get grumpy when I explained & insisted that no photos would ever be sent s/w had to confirm firmly for me....
Hth Good Luck....
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by ceci on Jan 5, 2014 20:17:30 GMT
We haven't met birth mum, but there have been times when I would like to know bits and pieces of information that she could probably give us. We have little/no info about birth dad which would be helpful in the future I think, but most of what I wanted to know was around medical stuff/genetic condition... I also would like to get a bit more information about the birth family tree - we have very scatty info on that too. I think taking some photos is a great idea if you can.
Look at all the info you have about your lo and see if you have any gaps, maybe things you've wondered about but SW haven't had answers to…
Hope it goes well.
|
|
|
|
Post by leo on Jan 5, 2014 21:05:18 GMT
My SW handled the whole meeting and so kept things 'moving' without awkward silences etc. We had discussed beforehand what info to give of me/my life as my SW explained the BM would probably like to know a little about my family and my background. We had to be very careful though as I only live 14 miles from BM! (Wasn't considered a problem when matched but information/events since have made it much more worrying.)
Be prepared for the meeting to be postponed at short notice - less than 24 hours for me the first time, a few days the second time and then finally managed it on the third attempt. I found that really difficult to cope with as I had built up so much anxiety (and fear by the time we met due to the events that stopped the first meeting) it was a real 'letdown' and I had a difficult week or so getting back to normal.
When we did meet, after so much planning beforehand, I actually bumped into her in the toilets before meeting officially! The 'proper' meeting happened as follows:
- quick intros by my SW
- offer from my SW of me telling a little bit about my life/background to help BM feel she understood the kind of life her children were now having (very vague as lots of identifying features - so: I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, my Dad has a farm, I like to swim and cycle)
- quick update from me about the boys themselves - again, quite vague: they've grown lots, Hurricane likes drawing, Tsunami likes to pretend to be a builder
- BM chance to ask me any questions she wanted (she didn't have any)
- SW asked the questions we had planned:
= how did she choose their names?
= how did she meet BF and what did she know of him now? (she gave lots of detail actually and although incredibly sad/scary it was good to hear it)
= was there one good memory of her time with the boys that she would want me to share with them as they got older?
= did she have any anecdotal/funny/memorable stories of them? (she didn't but her mother did)
= What would she say to them if she could to explain her/their situation? (asked as a 'if you met them as teenagers what would you say?' - whilst knowing she never will) - this was very sad as both my SW and I realised when chatting on the way home that she had blamed everything/one else but not herself and didn't once say she was sorry for how badly they were abused (guilt came across the room in waves from the Grandmother though and I actually felt desperately sorry for her)
= birth family medical history (heart disease, cancer, diabetes, asthma etc)
= if there were any baby/early photos that she would be willing to share (and actually Grandmother had brought some for me)
- We had agreed that SW would ask the 'difficult' questions so they didn't appear to come from me, so SW then asked her about how her life was now (some up-sides but still going round the same old path really which again was sad to hear). SW also asked more about some of the things the boys have disclosed which was rather tense and didn't get anywhere so SW closed that down and moved on to asking about BM and BF personality/attributes that the boys may have inherited
- photo of us together
- Goodbyes - BM hugged me and I promised her I would look after her boys, love them always and that she would be talked about and a part of their lives forever (amazingly I actually felt I could/did say this in a gracious, kind way rather than in a 'you've done so much damage they'll never be able to forget' sort of way! - and I could see it meant a huge amount to her actually so was glad I was able to say it)
- my SW and I left first so she didn't see SW car; her SW kept her there a bit longer
I felt relieved when it was over, pleased I had actually done it but emotionally very fragile for a while. Sorry if that's just a ramble and not useful! Hope your meeting goes well.
|
|
