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Post by justbserene11 on Dec 29, 2013 9:46:30 GMT
I posted recently about an argument with my mother in late November and have also spoken about the fact that my sister has not called nor seen me for three months. Anyway, it had always been the plan that my sister would host Christmas Day this year. DH and I did not want to go, but felt that we had to. Prior to going we decided to be the grown ups and we would ignore any snide remarks, looks and would steer any conversations (in regard to recent events) to a more neutral conversation.
On the whole the day went ok, I exchanged pleasantries with my sister (although, I cannot recall her asking me anything specifically) and my dad was pleased to see us. However, my mother on the other hand was a different story. She did not want to greet us and then reluctantly returned our 'hello' with a grimace. She was all 'oo's, 'ahh's' and 'oh thank you's' to the gifts she recieved, but didn't acknowledge our gift. She completely ignored us (which we expected) but also ignored LO. Our LO was picking up on this and really didn't want to kiss or embrace her. When we were leaving DH asked if she could help him put on LO's coat and she refused. Although there were not any snide remarks she would not look at us and even walked into another room as we were leaving. We fortunately did not rise to any of this but were angry that she couldn't be adult to not involve our LO in her behaviour.
As a family we usually also go to the cinema or shops on Boxing Day. As you can understand I did not really want to do this, but was prepared to. When LO woke up she screamed for hours, a combination of being under the weather, over tired and still stressed from Christmas Day (when she sat at the table for Xmas day lunch she got scared and began to scream). So I stayed at home and DH went to meet them. When he returned DH was extremely angry. He said my mother was making comments about me not being there and smirking when DH said LO was over tired etc (thinking that I was avoiding going). My sister (who I had messaged to say why I couldn't go) has not asked how LO is since and has only contacted me because she wanted something. Although we have not had a argument, she has been stirring.
DH is completely fed up and has said we will not be having any form of communication with any of them until well into the new year. He is very good and is very family orientated and tries to aide in making things right. However, he has had enough he says they have not been supportive since LO has been placed (over a year); the surprising thing is-is that l agree with him.
My mother in particular just argues with me, we make up and then three months later have an other argument. she likes things done her way and uses guilt and manipulation to get it. When we argued she told me I was possessive about my LO and that she was overly attached to me. She took issue that my LO would not accept a sweet from her and that I have not visited as regularly as she liked. Well, my mother likes 2 days notice if I go around and if l just turn up she doesn't like it.
There is quite a bit more but I would end up writing pages and pages. I am not infallible but feel that l have not been given allowances. I am very sad and upset, but I am beyond tears now. For DH to say enough is enough speaks volumes to me....it's like it affirms that what they are doing really is not right and that l am not being a drama queen or being overly sensitive
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Post by mudlark on Dec 29, 2013 11:02:37 GMT
How awful for you and your DH and LO.s. I cant quite understand why your relations are being so negative and nasty. If your relationship has always been tricky with your mother and sister, then the arrival of your LO is bound to make things more complex as they just will not understand the issues you are facing with her.
I agree that is is always better to maintain if possible good relationships with family....but it sounds as if enough is enough as your DH has commented. Your priority has to be your LO and each other....maybe you could explain factually that right now you need to concentrate on LO as she needs your focus to help her build her confidence and attachment...your sorry if they don't agree with your parenting but LO has to come first...you only get one chance to help her overcome her past difficulties during her early years and family egos and emotional baggage can not get in the way...
I hope you DH and LO can do something nice together and forget them all for a few days....
hugs x
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2013 11:48:10 GMT
(((((((((((Hugs B11))))))))))))))
Unfortunately problems with family members are not uncommon. I don't know if you've always had a difficult relationship with your mother, but sometimes when you become a mother yourself, you see things from a different perspective. Your mother sounds quite controlling and quite demanding and maybe the arrival of Poppet has thrown her. She is no longer receiving your attention as you have other priorities and she may be resentful of that.
I had this with my MIL. I was the daughter she never had for 23 years, and was at her beck and call. Ex is an only child, and she preferred my company to his. We had a good relationship until DD's came along. Suddenly I was mum to a 1 & 2 year old and MIL couldn't cope with the fact that they needed my attention and she had to go to back of the queue. She hated the way they interrupted our conversations when she would visit and she expected them to be seen and not heard. She was never maternal and has no rapport with children what so ever. Used to demand a kiss in her big loud voice and DD's were scared of her. They cried every time she came to visit for the first 5 months. They did get used to her, but she was not grandmotherly at all. She never took them out, or did anything at all with them and I mean anything. They would paint or draw pictures for her and she would say thanks and then leave the pictures there went she went home.
My own (adoptive) mother was great with kids, she loves them and loved DD's from the start, but she would constantly undermine me when we went to stay with her. She would constantly disagree with whatever I asked DD's to do, would give them loads of fizzy drinks and treats and then complain if they were hyper or wouldn't sit still. I used to grit my teeth and try and bear it, but after one particularily bad visit, I made the decision not to stay with her anymore (she lives in Ireland) and after that every time we went, we would stay in a rented house or a friends place and would just visit my mum instead. That way when I'd had enough of her critism, we could just leave and go and do our own thing.
I think sometimes our parents can't seem to realise we are grown ups, and we are parents, and we may do things differently to the way they do things and it is hard for them to step back and let us get on with it.
If I were you, I would write a letter to your Mum, telling her how you are feeling, asking her to allow your to parent Poppet in the way you've been advised/chosen. Ask her to try and understand and not to undermine you in your parenting etc etc. If you do it in a letter you can remain calmer and are less likely to be too emotional or end up in tears. It gives your mum time to re-read the letter and to absorb what you are saying before she contacts you, or writes back or whatever. Depending on her response, you will either find that she was unaware or how you were feeling, or she will think you are making a fuss out of nothing.
Either way you have a choice. If she wants things to improve she will try, and if she doesn't then I'm afraid you may have to cut your losses and see less of her. If she cannot engage with Poppet and doesn't want to get to know her then sadly you may have to leave it. It is better for Poppet not to be around so much negativity as she will definately pick up on it when she is older and it won't be beneficial to her at all. If your mum does want to change, then maybe a girls day out with her might be on order to discuss how you would like her to be in Poppets life and what that would entail. Sometimes parents need rules too and if she is willing to co-operate than things couuld change for the better, if not, then maybe you have to move on, but you do need to sort this out sooner rather than later as it is not likely to get better unless you talk and let your feelings be known. Ditto with your sister.
Good luck, really hope you can sort things out.
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Post by moo on Dec 29, 2013 18:14:37 GMT
Hugs b11....
I don't know how you coped that all sounds so painful & ludicrous for words.... They are supposed to be adults....
Sadly I think I would just have to keep my distance at least until Easter unless they make amends & contact sooner....
You are doing the right thing after all it sounds like it is really unnerving & upsetting poppet.... Our children are so receptive to mood body language & awkward silences.... The last thing you want is it making her anxious or acting as a trigger...
Very tuff for you but if dh has noticed then I think it is prolly better for you all to take an extended time out....
Good Luck.....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by shadow on Dec 29, 2013 20:38:04 GMT
so sorry - hard for you - enjoy your own wee family - its their loss
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Post by phoebe on Dec 29, 2013 21:24:17 GMT
As many have said few people would choose their family! It's a bit of a nightmare at times. Those who are blessed with supportive, non-judgmental and even tempered families are very lucky indeed. The rest of us just have to get by the best we can. Put your LO and OH first,as you are doing. The rest can either choose to get on board or not - ultimately you cannot change them. Just don't waste time and energy beating yourself up about it. x
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Post by esty (archive) on Dec 29, 2013 21:29:41 GMT
I always had problems with my mother who sounds very like yours before I had psychotherapy. In psychotherapy I learnt to set my boundaries and to look at the interactions as if they were happening to someone else and in that way I could be objective and respond as an equal adult rather than from where my mother wanted me which was in a child role. At first she used to kick back hard (as it were) but now we have a much more equal relationship and I know when to push and when to ignore. Perhaps you could look at what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to give/put up with then slowly introduce your own boundaries and expectations of her. The answer for me was to look at it as if it was someone else then that gave me permission to stand my ground as I was being reasonable and had thought my position through.
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Post by justbserene11 on Dec 30, 2013 8:52:04 GMT
Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom it has really made me think about the situation.
I have come to realise that this behaviour and pattern my mother repeatedly follows has occurred prior to poppet being placed with us. She gets annoyed with something I say/do bottles it up (but you know by her tone etc and often by what she doesn't say), but then waits for something so she can make a pop at you. I do have a fiery temperament and will often tell her when she does this exactly what I think. Since adopting poppet, she very much picks up on my moods especially (and has been known to ask 'why are you cross?), DH and l have realised that we have had enough of this as it is affecting our LO. With every criticism there is always a positive, but my mother continually criticises everything... I love you but, I love you but don't like you etc etc. I think a break is needed, as every time we make amends the pattern then is repeated so it needs to be broken.
Your suggestions of a letter (thanks JMK) and a frank discussion (thank you mud lark) needs to take place. Etsy, your post was very interesting. Unbeknownst to me I had been doing what you suggested. For instance, recently l have refused to argue with her and decided to be the 'adult' this has really thrown her (but she has up'd the anti re: Xmas day, so that we would argue and in her eyes win) and this is something that I will continue to do.
In regard to my sister, I have always been the one to call etc but there has always been an equal and close relationship. I think my sister since adopting poppet, has resented the fact that l have needed her support and the balance in our relationship has switched to being unequal. I think a break with her is needed so that it equalises again.
Although, I am sad I am less angry. DH has commented that since this situation has occurred and l haven't spoken to either of them l am calmer and happier.
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Post by sivier on Jan 1, 2014 20:52:06 GMT
Sympathies - it sounds a painful and difficult situation, and having had rifts in my own family in the past I really understand the distress it causes.
Just a word of warning about writing a letter. My sister did this and wrote to my Dad about why she didn't want contact after a particularly bad fall out and that b****y letter was constantly referred to by my Dad, quoted scathingly, and although my sister was careful with wording, many bits were badly 'misunderstood' by him and my mum - willfully perhaps...? I'd at least suggest a good pause for your own feelings to settle a bit before putting anything in writing, as, if your mother is not receptive to explanations or feedback to you in person she may well take even more affront to a letter. It's a really hard one, but I'd really stress caution with this as it could exacerbate rather than help, and if you do do it, to keep it brief and factual. Good luck and I hope things improve in 2014.
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Post by chotimonkey on Jan 1, 2014 21:14:43 GMT
Hugs b11... It sounds like you have a lot to cope with.
I just wanted to say I agree with sicier about writing things down and sending them. I think it's v cathartic to write it all down and maybe not send it. But with letters and emails etc no matter how carefully you craft them , other people read and interpret them from their own perspective, not yours and can interpret your words in ways your never meant them too. Also when things are written down people can stew over them more as they can read and the-read.
Maybe give it some time and only agree to meet if you really feel she is ready to listen. I studied psychotherapy for a while and one of the things I took from it is that we can't make other people act the way we want them to, what we can control is our reactions and exposure to the tricky people in our lives. And that sometimes we have to have v minimal expectations of people in order not to get hurt if we need/ have to be in contact with.
It's so hard when it's a parent though... You sound like you have a lovely dh to help you
Hugs at a hard time
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Post by abiee on Jan 2, 2014 9:57:45 GMT
This sounds like a hassle you could do without. You must be using a lot of emotional energy on this
How would you like the relationship to be, given that you are not able to change your mothers personality?
I wonder if you could come to some arrangement which would suit you? Perhaps a once a month pre-arranged visit on neutral territory where DC could play and it wasn't so intense
I would keep visits with mother and sis separate so there is no audience
It sounds horrible and, as you are not getting any support, I think you need to ask yourself what you are getting from the relationship and come to an arrangement that suits you
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Post by justbserene11 on Jan 2, 2014 12:11:17 GMT
Thank you again. You have given me some very good advice and advice that unbeknownst to myself l had already began to implement. I think I still need time a way from them to really evaluate what/how things should be.
Can I just say that this forum rocks!!
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