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Post by treetop on Aug 27, 2020 20:00:06 GMT
Dh 14 lost his gran at the weekend subddenly. DJ’s mother. We’re all heartbroken. Due to the limitations on guests at the moment we have had to watch who we invite but try and make sure the family are all there. Between dh and his family it was decided no kids would go. I can see the point of his brothers young grandkids and they don’t really get it all anyway but ds is a teenager. He went to her husbands, his grandad when he was 10. I know that was probably a bit young at the time but really he coped amazingly. The thing is since he joined our family, we rarely see anyone, aunties uncles, cousins and his grannies are the only two people in our entire family he has any real connection to as he sees them pretty loch every week and makes their tea etc ... the little things. I feel these little things in his life are so far bigger than anyone will ever realise. I have fought with dh on this and said I want our son there, and that I was outraged that he could decide this without even mentioning it.. tough was the response! He has now apparently told his brother to include him since I spoke to ds myself about it and he said he would like to be there. He can handle it just fine whereas dh said to me that he didn’t like being at grandads funeral last time - I mean who does? Nobody likes funerals, they make us sad but we get through it together as a family. Am I wrong?
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Post by serrakunda on Aug 28, 2020 9:56:31 GMT
very sorry to hear that Treetops. No I don't think you are wrong. He is old enough to decide and if he coped at 10, he can cope at 14. Goodbyes are important.
big hugs
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Post by treetop on Aug 28, 2020 14:13:34 GMT
My feelings exactly. Thank you. He’s definitely coming now, (I’ve made sure!) I know him more than my husband does literally. I’m the one who sees him, talks to him, he talks to me, etc. So I know he’ll manage. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t force him but as I see it I want him to hang on to the happy memories he’s ahead with his grandparents, - they’re the only ones he’s ever known! But also it’s important to acknowledge and handle these events we have to go through in life x
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Post by chotimonkey on Aug 28, 2020 17:51:13 GMT
I think you’re right... it’s not easy, but it is a part of life. I have dual heritage and I fall more into the Indian camp when it comes to death and loss. Children are involved in seeing/ acknowledging death from very young. It kind of demystifies things and takes away the fear... the sadness is still there, but we sadness is a natural way to feel when we lose someone we love. There’s also more Opportunity to grieve and see others grieving... sometimes when children/ young adults miss the funeral... they miss having grief modelled and have less emotional permission to feel What they are feeling or to see it taking different forms. People have v strong feelings around this... this is just my opinion... hope it’s useful... feel free to disregard if it doesn’t sit right with you xx
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Post by treetop on Aug 28, 2020 19:34:42 GMT
No I agree. They need to know it’s ok to grieve, cry, be emotional. Whatever form that may take. Like I said before he only ever really sees his grannies every week... everybody else now and again. So I worry is this was taken away from him, the chance to say goodbye properly that it would always be like he never really knew her or they had a big part to play in each others lives.... also his granny and grandad were his godparents, he chose them himself so he was connected from the start x
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