Post by homebird on Sept 28, 2018 13:39:39 GMT
Hello all,
I can't remember the last time I visited this forum but thought I'd update for anyone who might remember me and my perspective as a birth family member.
Briefly, we adopted our niece who came to live with us at 3 days old. She has 5 siblings, two who also remained in birth family with residence orders, and a group of 3 who were adopted together by strangers. We kept in close contact with the older two until one of them was allowed to live back with birth mum. We had letterbox contact with the trio. This contact was difficult to maintain as the adopters felt it was not in their children's best interests.
The adoptees took matters into their own hands when in their mid-teens and made Facebook contact with the others. When I informed their parents they were then allowed an annual meet up, which the children seemed to find difficult. In hindsight I think they would have preferred to be left to manage their own level of contact but I wasn't happy about their parents not knowing about it and I believe their parents might have been concerned that things would escalate. They are all now in their 20's, our daughter will be 18 in a few months. They keep in touch mostly though messenger and facetime. They don't seem to want group meet ups but arrange flying visits when they're passing through or coming to our town.
Only one of them has wanted to meet with any adult member of birth family (apart from me and my husband)- the aunt who cared for them while the courts were deciding on their future. None of them are in contact with birth mum, except the one who lived with her and now that he has moved out of the country it appears that she isn't making the effort to keep in touch with him, which he finds distressing.
Our daughter lets the others decide when they want to see her. We, as birth family, have no desire to try to make them come "back" to us. They have always been our nephews and nieces and we enjoy hearing about their lives and seeing photo's. I was thrilled to be invited to the church for our nieces wedding although I must admit I felt a bit uncomfortable.
So, there we are, life has moved on and after all my angst of trying to keep the lines of communication open, they are now in control of their own contact. Its not easy for them, I'm sure that it takes quite a bit of effort but I am so pleased that the siblings want to get to know each other. If they ever want to meet the wider birth family I'd be happy to help but I can't see that happening for a long time.
I can't remember the last time I visited this forum but thought I'd update for anyone who might remember me and my perspective as a birth family member.
Briefly, we adopted our niece who came to live with us at 3 days old. She has 5 siblings, two who also remained in birth family with residence orders, and a group of 3 who were adopted together by strangers. We kept in close contact with the older two until one of them was allowed to live back with birth mum. We had letterbox contact with the trio. This contact was difficult to maintain as the adopters felt it was not in their children's best interests.
The adoptees took matters into their own hands when in their mid-teens and made Facebook contact with the others. When I informed their parents they were then allowed an annual meet up, which the children seemed to find difficult. In hindsight I think they would have preferred to be left to manage their own level of contact but I wasn't happy about their parents not knowing about it and I believe their parents might have been concerned that things would escalate. They are all now in their 20's, our daughter will be 18 in a few months. They keep in touch mostly though messenger and facetime. They don't seem to want group meet ups but arrange flying visits when they're passing through or coming to our town.
Only one of them has wanted to meet with any adult member of birth family (apart from me and my husband)- the aunt who cared for them while the courts were deciding on their future. None of them are in contact with birth mum, except the one who lived with her and now that he has moved out of the country it appears that she isn't making the effort to keep in touch with him, which he finds distressing.
Our daughter lets the others decide when they want to see her. We, as birth family, have no desire to try to make them come "back" to us. They have always been our nephews and nieces and we enjoy hearing about their lives and seeing photo's. I was thrilled to be invited to the church for our nieces wedding although I must admit I felt a bit uncomfortable.
So, there we are, life has moved on and after all my angst of trying to keep the lines of communication open, they are now in control of their own contact. Its not easy for them, I'm sure that it takes quite a bit of effort but I am so pleased that the siblings want to get to know each other. If they ever want to meet the wider birth family I'd be happy to help but I can't see that happening for a long time.
