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Post by lilyofthevalley on Jan 18, 2016 17:11:11 GMT
Yesterday it was DD's 30th birthday! Twenty four years have passed since I adopted her and her older brother. I could write a book about our experiences. But here are a few memories and reflections. DD, at the age of 6, was tiny, and a very disturbed child. She had suffered abuse both in her home and in foster care. She had so many problems that I actually thought she was unadoptable. When I adopted her, I was the first single person to be approved by my adoption agency - we were pioneers. It has been a rollercoaster. The first four years were spent fighting to get them both diagnosed and treated for ADHD. DD was also diagnosed as suffering from ODD. Just as things were improving and the Ritalin medication was helping, DD became very ill. She was eventually diagnosed with ME (by a specialist ME consultant in England) but I had a battle with the Scottish doctors who instead preferred to accuse me of causing her illness and suffering from Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (a common fate of mothers whose children suffer from ME). She was desperately ill for three years. At the age of 14, while drinking alcohol with pals at school illicitly, she recovered memories of sexual abuse and took to the bottle. Both birth parents were alcoholics and she seemed to have inherited an addictive personality. She used to shoplift alcohol - I had none in the house - and, still aged 14, she became an alcoholic. She was excluded from school. She took to abusing aerosols, in particular lighter fuel. She eventually went to a residential school, not a therapeutic one but one for delinquents. They used to run away and sometimes staff were assaulted. She was excluded from college. She went on to supported accommodation and then got a council flat. When she was 14 I had paid for a private psychological assessment for DD. The specialist said she had very severe ADHD, ODD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, FAE and PTSD. There were some difficult years after she left the residential school. She used to self harm and take overdoses. I sent the police to visit her on three occasions. On one occasion she was taken by the police to see the psychiatrist wearing handcuffs. (DD not the psychiatrist!) She was involved in some very dodgy relationships. She was the victim of domestic abuse and was raped. She used to get factory jobs but was always dismissed on account of her insubordinate attitude. But then, very gradually, she started to mature and grow up. She looked after her flat and became increasingly financially responsible. She always loved and cared for her pets. Her two dogs are her children. She went to college and trained as a carer. She has worked at the same nursing home now for about 7 years. She is one of the longest serving staff members. She chooses to work with the residents who suffer from severe dementia. Some of them are violent. She is very caring and compassionate and has a heart of gold. The relatives love her because they can see how much she cares. She can also be hilariously funny. She still has her problems. I think she always will. She presently suffers from Anorexia. Her BMI is 15. But she continues to see the psychiatrist. She and I have always had a close relationship. I spend every weekend staying at her flat to look after her dogs while she works 12 hour shifts. Yesterday she was 30 years old. Considering the problems she has had, I am amazed at her resilience and fortitude. I think her story can also give hope to others as there have been times when the situation has appeared to be utterly hopeless. She is such a loving, kind young woman and I am so proud of her and love her so much. Lily x
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Post by bop on Jan 18, 2016 17:46:32 GMT
What an inspiring story - the resilience that both of you have shown through some tough times and the ending that is so much better than must have seemed possible at times.
Thank you for sharing
Bop
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Post by esty on Jan 18, 2016 18:33:36 GMT
Wow. Wonderful to read.
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 18, 2016 19:19:18 GMT
Happy Birthday DD. What an incredible person she is, to have survived so much, and what an incredble mum to have travelled such a long hard road and nit given up.
You are right to be proud of her
And we are proud of you Lily
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Post by mudlark on Jan 18, 2016 22:05:56 GMT
Lily, the love you have for your daughter shines from the page, even though she may never read it, what a beautiful birthday present for her. You are an inspiration to those of us still in the early years, I pray I too have such love to give to my daughter. Thank you for sharing this with us. xx
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Post by corkwing on Jan 19, 2016 6:58:02 GMT
Love to you both! Great story of redemption.
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Post by topcat on Jan 19, 2016 10:21:25 GMT
Happy Birthday Lily's DD - thank you for sharing your story, you are both amazing.
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Post by mayan on Jan 19, 2016 12:13:57 GMT
Congratulations Lily to your dd and to you on reaching a real milestone birthday together. I hope that in the years ahead your dd can find a balance with her food issues as I know how worrying it can be stuck watching on the sidelines as life continues to throw curve balls - it's good though to hear she is working well with her psych - ever onwards Lily - ever onwards.
Much love and strength to you all
Mxx
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Post by jmk on Jan 19, 2016 12:57:12 GMT
What a milestone and what a testimony to both you and her that you have both survived intact and still love each other.
Here's to many more milestones for you both xx
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Post by wibbley on Jan 20, 2016 23:08:19 GMT
Wow! What a journey & one that give me hope. Thanks for sharing
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Post by fruitcake on Jan 21, 2016 11:43:03 GMT
I too find your daughter's story encouraging and inspiring, and feel that a lot of it is down to your loving and consistent parenting over the years, never giving up on your children, no matter what. Thanks for posting.
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Jan 31, 2016 19:06:38 GMT
Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I'm just back from dogsitting over the weekend. A worrying situation has arisen. DD has high moral standards at work and she reported a senior member of staff to her manager for what amounted to episodes of abuse/neglect of residents. In what appears to be retaliation, this member of staff then reported that DD had assaulted her. DD has no history of aggressive behaviour other than group antics at her residential school. The manager did not believe this woman and noted that she had made no complaint until DD reported her failings to the manager. It now transpires that the woman has gone to the police and DD has been summonsed to attend the police station to be interviewed on Thursday. She is very stressed but adamant that she is innocent of any charge. I believe her. I hope the police believe her too. I hope the member of staff concerned is subject to investigation and disciplinary procedures. It could become a major scandal if it goes to court. DD rightly sees herself as a whistleblower who is being victimised.
Lily
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Post by lemonade on Jan 31, 2016 20:00:09 GMT
Inspiring post Lily .... and it still continues ... bless you all
Love L xxx
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Post by fruitcake on Jan 31, 2016 21:04:17 GMT
Make sure she gets legal representation. She should not really speak to the police without it. What a worrying situation. I hope all is resolved soon.
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Post by esty on Jan 31, 2016 23:08:26 GMT
Oh so awful but so expected of the abuser to trash your daughter on the way down. Hope your daughter is seen for the good that she's done by whistleblowing. Takes real strength to stand up to that sort of bullying.
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Post by bop on Feb 1, 2016 8:47:41 GMT
Lily, from our experiences with the police, if they were taking this as something really serious they would be interviewing her far sooner....they will have to follow it up, but the colleague could be done for wasting police time if it is found to be malicious and they are likely to also talk to the care home manager too.
((hugs)) Bop
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Post by jmk on Feb 1, 2016 9:37:11 GMT
Agree with Fruitcake and think DD should have legal representation with her. How awful, that she should be maligned for simply telling the truth. Can you go with her on the day for moral support?
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Post by sivier on Feb 1, 2016 14:29:46 GMT
What an amazing young woman. You are a very inspiring parent Lily.
Agree that your daughter should have legal support if possible, and of course you too if you can go. I admire her stand and hope the bullies get spotlighted and your daughter listened to - this sort of neglect/abuse of vulnerable people goes on far too much and she is right and brave to bring it to people's attention.
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Post by bop on Feb 1, 2016 19:17:00 GMT
Mr Bop here: I would agree, ideally take some legal support but absolutely do not be unaccompanied. It is only too easy to find your words taken out of context or twisted until you barely recognise them so support is essential. I wish it was as simple as just telling the truth but sadly it isn't and experience teaches all of us on this board how things go awry with the authorities involved.
She should make clear that the care home manager has already spoken to this person and can verify the timescale and context of the complaint. As Bop notes this person could find themselves done for wasting police time, and actually potentially far worse given what your daughter has reported within the carehome - one can hope....
Big Hugs and prayers for your DD and yourself in this.
MrBop
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Feb 4, 2016 20:17:50 GMT
Thank you for the replies. It's been an awful week. I decided, as others advised, that DD MUST have legal advice and be accompanied by a lawyer to her interview with the police. I checked the situation regarding legal aid in Scotland and reckoned she should qualify, although would probably have to pay something. I strongly advised her to go to the CAB, (she has been there before), and access a lawyer through them. She went yesterday, said that the woman she saw thought the case was laughable, but said that they had lawyers attending the police station. I reiterated that she must not proceed with the interview without the lawyer being present. With the closure of local police stations, she had to attend the police station in the next town. To her dismay, the police had said they would pick her up. She didn't want all her neighbours to see her being transported in the police car. (She has built up a very good reputation over the years. Not many people work long shifts on her housing estate). When she got to the police station, she was informed that the lawyer would not be available for four hours. She did not want to sit in a cell for four hours, thought her situation was not too serious, so went ahead with the interview with the police. The result is that she has been charged with assault. In tears, she then went to see a lawyer, who has agreed to represent her. As I understand it, the other member of staff alleges that DD barged past her, hurting her shoulder. DD says she did so unintentionally and should have said sorry. She said she was upset having just heard that her granny (my mother) had had a stroke. This woman did not complain for two weeks, after DD had reported her for episodes of abuse/neglect of residents. It seems to me that not much is being done in relation to those complaints. I was very concerned that the home would be obliged to suspend DD but they have refused to do so, although the two of them are not allowed to work together. It is clearly a very worrying situation. If DD were to be found guilty of the charge, I would imagine she would lose her job and would not be able to work in a caring capacity again. To make matters worse, she has been self harming and the police noticed the cuts on her arms. It seems that all the staff at the home are on DD's side, even the woman's daughter, who also works at the home. AS has his problems too. Their private landlord is selling their flat so they are worried they will be homeless soon. A couple of days ago I phoned the social worker and they are working with them. And my poor old Mum remains in a pitiful state, after her stroke. Lily
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Post by bop on Feb 4, 2016 21:29:00 GMT
That is pants...
I hadn't realised you are also in Scotland - we had a siruation a couple of years ago and the charges were eventually dropped but it was incredibly stressful, It does seem as though the police here want convictions rather than justice....
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Post by milly on Feb 4, 2016 21:56:11 GMT
So sorry to hear this Lily - your poor dd, what an awful situation to be in, although I admire her for standing up for herself. You must be under a lot of strain what with your other family issues too. FWIW I was once accused of injuring a child (by the child, a 5 year old!). It was very worrying even though I knew I had done nothing beyond speak a bit sharply to the child who had refused to do as she was told (as her teacher). However I read up on assault cases by children towards teachers and found that without an injury, nothing can be proved. This was the case with the girl who accused me - of course there was no injury because I hadn't even touched her in the place she said I had - so there was no case to answer. (It didn't go as far as the police though, just to my employers).
Hope it all works out and is quickly resolved. It's positive that the other staff support her.
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Post by pluto on Feb 6, 2016 11:32:36 GMT
You have a lot on your plate, I wish you strength and hope for the best outcome.
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Post by corkwing on Feb 7, 2016 8:04:37 GMT
Sending you hugs, Lily. Your poor kid has enough to deal with without that!
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Post by fruitcake on Feb 8, 2016 12:21:58 GMT
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has been charged. If she had refused to co-operate with the police they would have been obliged to arrest her (if they wanted to follow through) and then she would have been entitled to legal representation in the police station automatically.
No-one should speak to the police (or agree to get in a car with them) if they are under any sort of suspicion, without legal representation. Your daughter probably chatted quite honestly about things and handed enough "evidence" to the police on a plate, as it were, giving them a nice easy case to add to the statistics. Imo they have taken advantage of a vulnerable adult and should be ashamed. I would be making a complaint to the police. If your daughter made it clear she wanted legal representation they should have waited for the lawyer, and made it clear that she would not be put in a cell unless arrested (and they can't arrest people on no evidence).
I was once charged with careless driving (caused an accident when distraught over one of my son's antics). I accepted responsibility but engaged a lawyer. He told me on no account to speak to the police. When they 'phoned and asked me to go to the police station, I declined, whereupon they sent an officer round who banged repeatedly on my door. I telephoned my solicitor who told me to ignore him, and after a reasonable time 'phone the police to make a complaint of harassment! He went away! I pleaded guilty in the magistrate's court and got off very lightly - 6 penalty points (the only penalty points I have ever had) and a very modest fine (about £100 I think). The solicitor's fees were more than the fine, but worth every penny. Had the police persuaded me to come to the police station for a "little chat" I might well have incriminated myself much more, inadvertently.
Your daughter's case is much more serious and she has been treated wrongly imo. Many essentially innocent people like her are too trusting of the police, who do have their own agenda. Always stick up for your rights: they are there for a reason.
Please make sure your daughter has full legal representation from now on.
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Post by mayan on Feb 8, 2016 13:44:02 GMT
Thinking of you all Lily and hoping you can all stay strong through these horribly stressful events - so sorry that you are also dealing with the extra worry and sadness of your elderly mum's deterioration in health. Do take care of yourself somehow amongst all of this - virtual hugs and kind thoughts winging their way....
Fruitcake's comments and your dd's very concerning experience has made me very troubled in respect of my own dd's vulnerabilities - does anyone know if there are any easy access resources that explain your basic rights to representation and what to do - to be honest given your dd's situation of being made to wait for a lawyer etc and thinking one hadn't done anything wrong I think even I would have done similar being a trusting sort and not being practised in my rights - I know a friends son also recently got himself into a vey difficult situation after a chat....
It just sounds so awful for your poor dd Lily and I really fervently hope it can be resolved quickly and in her favour to minimise the psychological stress she will no doubt be experiencing. At least she has the support of her colleagues which I hope is something she can hang on to right now.
Mx
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Feb 8, 2016 20:02:39 GMT
Thank you all for your kind responses. Fruitcake is spot on. Last night I phoned DD for an update. She told me that the lawyer she went to see told her that the police were not entitled to interview her without a lawyer being present as she is clearly a 'vulnerable adult'. She presently comes under the care of a psychiatrist both for anorexia and for ADHD. She is prescribed medication for ADHD. Three times over the years I have sent the police to visit her with concerns about her mental state. They have taken her to hospital to see a psychiatrist. They also noted at the police station that she had been cutting her arms.
DD recounted to me some more details of her time at the police station. She was blissfully unaware of the seriousness of her situation. After she was charged she said the officer asked her if she had anything to say. He prepared to record her words. Her words were, in a state of disbelief and shock, 'You're f***ing taking the p***!' DD is a natural comedian - something between Joe Brand and Billy Connolly. Her accent is broad and not unlike that of Billy Connolly. She can always see the funny side in desperate situations and she had me in stitches as she recounted the goings on at the police station. At the end of the interview they let her out the back door of the station but she didn't know where she was so she hammered on the police station back door to be allowed back in! They had to let her out the front. She is very worried about possibly losing her job. I do wonder if her Oppositional Defiant Disorder has played a part in all this. She was regularly fired from jobs in factories on account of her insubordinate attitude. The sad thing is that apparently the manager at the home told her to apologise to this member of staff for barging into her but DD never did so. If she had apologised it is unlikely the woman would have reported the incident to the police.
Lily x
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Feb 9, 2016 8:09:11 GMT
Sorry, that should be JO Brand!
Lily x
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Post by spideress on Feb 10, 2016 13:08:41 GMT
Thank you for such a lovely post.
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Apr 19, 2016 16:13:15 GMT
It has been an awful two months with DD traumatised, bereft and depressed. I started to wonder if her dyspraxia (diagnosed as a child) had had a part to play in all this. I checked on the symptoms in adults and found that there is a tendency to bump into people and objects. I alerted DD's lawyer and she arranged for DD to be reassessed for dyspraxia by a psychologist who is an expert on the condition. (He also suffers from it himself). He told DD that both her dyspraxia and her ADHD were very apparent. Last week DD had a disciplinary hearing in Dundee with her regulatory authority. It was a four hour ordeal in a quasi court setting. They found in her favour and against the nursing home for dismissing her. Today she told me that the psychologist's report has come through to the lawyer. The lawyer described it as cracking. Then in no time at all the procurator fiscal has dropped the court case against her. She was due to go to trial on a charge of assault. She remains of course dismissed from her job. However she will be going eventually to an employment tribunal. I think the case is now overwhelmingly in her favour. Frankly they no longer have a case against her. She wants her job back and may well be entitled to compensation. It has caused her a huge amount of emotional and financial distress. She told me she even contemplated hanging herself. So hopefully it will soon be over.
Lily x
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