redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 23, 2015 9:33:23 GMT
Having spent YEARS being tolerant and kind and sacrificing my career and basically my LIFE for this girl, I have finally exploded. Now I feel like a b*tch and that I have totally let her down - bearing in mind that she already thinks everything is my fault and thinks life is rubbish.
I am bracing myself for more self harm or running away later.
She won't go to school, she won't talk to anyone about her feelings, she will seek out other drinkers/smokers school refusers and take to life on the streets quite easily.
I am on the verge of trying to find alternative accommodation for her and told her so - so she feels completely unloved now.
Is there any way back from this? Feel hopeless.
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Post by mooster on Feb 23, 2015 10:20:44 GMT
Oh Redbush - I so feel for you, been there, done it got the t-shirt. Sadly like many on these boards it is a familiar story so you are not alone.
It is so hard not to feel so helpless when you can see the downward spiral of the choices she is making.
Finding alternative accommodation is not about not loving her, even though you may have to dig really deep to find any love at the moment, it just means that at the moment you are not able to live together successfully.
Who have you contacted for help and support? Our AD went into fostercare (section 20)and although she has not lived back at home for any long length of time since we have rebuilt some kind of relationship which I hope will improve further as she matures. It is tough to get the right support but she is still young so there should be people willing to listen and help.
It does your head in though because all you wanted to do was provided a loving a home with support and guidance and they just continually reject all your efforts. It is not you though, I am sure you are an absolute great Mum it is all the trauma that happened before she came anywhere near your door. This is stuff you know and you need to hang on to it to survive!
I am sure there will be others along with advice and help in the meantime look after yourself.
Hugs
Mooster x
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Post by peartree on Feb 23, 2015 10:23:26 GMT
Hi welcome redbush Sorry things are really very hard  Thepotatogroup.org.uk can be of help In the meantime Take some time to clear your head and work out some different ways ahead If dd lives with you If dd isn't living with you And remaining connected as family even once she does move Id wholeheartedly recommend seeing holly van gulden in March at the PAC I went a couple of yrs ago She did a day on 'road map to leaving home' we are still working on those aspect with our young lad And we have stepped back from the brink 3 or 4 times now The last time I had to flatly ask if he would give me permission to be his mum. Not his carer. Not his friend. His mum. That I can care, love him and offer some support but mums of 19 yr olds are much more 'background' but needed and valued nevertheless What a lot of work we put in to our kids and get so little back |
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Post by corkwing on Feb 23, 2015 11:57:34 GMT
Having spent YEARS being tolerant and kind and sacrificing my career and basically my LIFE for this girl, I have finally exploded. Now I feel like a b*tch and that I have totally let her down. OK, so you've spent YEARS being "tolerant and kind and sacrificing my career and basically my LIFE for this girl". I don't know how many years that is. But let's say 10 years. That's 3,650 days of being tolerant, kind and sacrificing your life. On average 16 waking hours. That gives us 58,400 hours of you being an incredible parent. And then, under intense stress and provocation, you explode and for a short period of time are the kind of parent that you don't want to be. That's 1 in 58,400. Does that make you a b*tch? Does that mean that you've totally let her down? If you did an exam and only got one wrong in 58,400, that's 99.998%. You'd be a complete mega-star. You'd get a grade of A star, star, star, star, star! In fact they wouldn't have enough stars for that. So no, you're not a b*tch. And no, you haven't ruined everything. You might have come up against reality, which is hard. We did that. We eventually figured out that it wasn't working and our son wasn't able to live in our family. It's incredibly painful, but that's life at times. |
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 23, 2015 14:27:32 GMT
Thanks everyone. It really does help to hear I'm not alone.
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 23, 2015 14:28:59 GMT
PS Peartree what's the PAC?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2015 15:29:59 GMT
PAC is Post Adoption Centre based in North London.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2015 15:40:30 GMT
Hi Redbush and welcome.
You are not alone at all unfortunately. A lot of our children were easy and compliant until puberty kicked in and then ...........@*$####&&** all hell breaks lose!!!!!
I have just finished posting a reply to Caledonia which you might want to read as it also applys to you.
Basically you have to do your own research and find specialist help for your child and then go to your local PAS and kick up the biggest stink you can in order to get them to fund appropriate help for your child. Otherwise if you go down your GP route you will have to wait months to be referred to CAMHS who will do nothing but blame your parenting and suggest you do a parenting course like triple P which is a complete waste of time for adopted children with loss and trauma on top of their attachment issues. You need someone who specialises in this area, otherwise you will just waste years of doing pointless, harmful therapy until you reach the point where you just want to give up.
if you read these boards you will see that so many of us have had unhelpful advice/help from CAMHS, in fact I can't really remember anyone who said they were good or helped at all.
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 23, 2015 19:43:52 GMT
Thanks everyone. I should flesh it out a bit - I have been here before a few years ago, and had to complain to everyone, including my MP, the head of children s' services and head of social services. After this and appealing, I did eventually get a statement, then had to appeal to get her into my local secondary school. But even after all this, there is just nothing being offered. The inclusion manage at school suggested I pay for counselling! I told her that since I had to give up work, we are having to borrow from our parents to make ends meet.
And yes, CAMHS were hopeless - basically daughter will be fine because she has 2 parents who are concerened about her. I did the Triple P just to tick it off the list - I have parented my son perfectly well and worked in children's health services, so really did know how to do normal parenting!
I do scream and shout to various people all the time, but they just don't have anything to offer.
I have asked for the pupil premium to be spent on getting a specialist adoption support counsellor in school for her, but they dragged their feet for so long, that she now won't go in. The last meeting I had at school, I got that old chestnut of trying to have firmer boundaries. Oh if only I had known that earlier - silly me.
How can this be allowed to go on all over the country. I'm so angry.
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Post by caledonia on Feb 24, 2015 11:30:33 GMT
hi redbush
As jmk has says, I am having similar issues to you but not yet to the same extent. DD is 13. We are in Scotland so don't get pupil premium nor do we have PAS. Sadly our SW department know little about adoption and impacts on children - I got the 'now they are in a good home they will be fine' from them!
I am starting to do some research to see if I can find ANYONE trained in adoption and its impacts in Scotland or the NEW of England but am getting nowhere sadly. We may be moving to the midlands later this year so perhaps access to PAS in London might be an option.
I like corkwing's breakdown of the days and hours - sadly I am not as calm as you and have had several flare ups with DD but I am reassured by his comments. My big issue is that I don't like the person DD and DS (who has his own issues) have turned me into and that is rally hard to cope with.
Sorry I can't offer anything more tangible but I feel your pain.
Cale
x
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 24, 2015 15:25:52 GMT
Yes thanks Corkwing that was really helpful! I think we probably do get quite down on ourselves as we feel so inadequate at something which is meant to be a key human skill! Cale, I can't imagine what it must be like to not only have no "professional support" but to be the sole parent as well. You must feel you are going mad sometimes - I know I do! I know what you mean about turning into a person you didn't want to be. I have to keep saying to myself "I am the adult, I am the adult" and take a deep breath or 20. I used to occasionally go out in the evening when I was stressed, and just drive to the big superstore outside town and walk around for an hour, then go back! But she started copying me - when she was stressed she would go out without saying, and come back when she felt like it! So now i have to try to model good coping strategies as well! Having moaned and ranted, I have to admit I have been a really good course (it's just that when you're in it 24/7 you still feel alone) www.afteradoption.org.uk/safebase-parenting-programmeIf you are moving to the midlands you may get this course provided by local PAS. They are based in Manchester and seem to offer loads of local services. Thanks everyone. |
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Post by corkwing on Feb 25, 2015 8:43:44 GMT
Hi, Redbush -
Great to hear that what I wrote was helpful.
I know you're the adult, but you're also a human being. You're a heroine, not a superhero. You're allowed to have limits to what you can do and take and to have needs that NEED to be met. And they do NEED to be met: they're not whims or you being selfish.
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 25, 2015 18:48:24 GMT
thank you !
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Feb 26, 2015 21:20:13 GMT
After my explosion and release of anger, we were on the receiving end of some choice language and damage to the house, followed by a short disappearance. I braced myself for a long night, but received a phone call about 7pm from crying needy little girl, needing to be picked up as she felt ill and wanted to come home. She was very cuddly for the rest of the evening and said sorry also has done some (very minimal but more than before) reading and worksheets in lieu of school. I am liking and can feel sympathy for this person! So I know what you mean tokoloshe - is this progress? I know I have hoped before that things were improving but I now recognise a pattern - becomes needy and compliant, so we start to expect more, she tries, keeps it up for a while, gradually improvements fall away, we reach a crisis, then back to the beginning.
And I really do need to take care of myself - everyone keeps saying i look tired. I can't relax if I'm away from the house as I worry it might not be standing when I get back! Or a full scale party will be underway!
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