Teenager in charge.????

I wouldn't stand for it. I would unplug all tv's and say she had to earn it back. I would also ensure that dad when he came back treated you really well in front of her and that there were consequences from dad for how she treats you during the week. Pre traumered or not she needs to respect you. I don't mean as you're the one with power and she's the child but as two humans who are equal in value and worth. I say this as I'm sure I've read that she's as good as gold out of the house? If so I would suggest its a learnt behaviour. With some kids it's them keeping their anxiety in and losing it at home but she does sound more calculated. Sorry if I've read her and your situation all wrong.

This is so painful to read - never mind live with. You sound so worn down and isolated with your hb working away...and she is taking full advantage of it. İ don!t know have 1st hand experience as my bigirl is only rarely openly antagonistic being sneaky is her modus operandi. Littlgirl is much more bolshy and we have had a few stand offs but İ have learned not to fight back but to immediately invoke her consequences. The threat of not having her föne/internet at the weekend initially drives her crazy but as İ calmly add another day for every ensuing insult she soon slams off into her room - because she knows İ will do it.

Maybe you can find something ..Money/freedom/föne that she would not want to löse and you tell her in advance that a repeat of her behaviour will result in this...but it will be instigated at the weekend when you have some moral support...but you deliver the consequence not hb.

İf she is good when others are there, invite a friend round midweek and try having some normal conversations with her. She sounds like she is screaming out for someone to stop her...but you sound like you need to get out of the house and be yourself again...not stay at work but go and visit a friend or do something for yourself.

Take what you like and leave the rest

Jofran

Reading your post rlmjam it's exactly what's going on with my YDD at the moment. It is a power thing and ANYTHING can trigger it. No matter what you offer/suggest/do it will be wrong in DD's eyes. If I were you I would insist on some counselling for both you and DD.

I know you've been following my thread on the ASB and that you know how I am struggling to get help for my YDD. It is an uphill slog, but if you don't start to get help, sadly I think it will get worse. Your DD obviously has big stuff going on inside and you are getting it bigtime!

That's what happens, us mums bear the brunt of all the internal hurt and anger and in our DD's cases it's not "just normal teenage stuff", well it is but multiplied by 1000.  You have two other teens who are not behaving like this. Your DD needs professional help and soon, but be warned, once SS get involved things can get worse before they get better as you can see from my posts. I am on the verge of having to let YDD go into care. I have a feeling this is going to happen no matter how much I don't want it to.

The problem with SS is when you ask for help, they take so long faffing around trying to decide what to do, that by then, things have escalated to the point where we adults can't cope with it anymore. It is draining living with that kind of hate on a daily basis, especially when you have no real idea why and no one can get to the bottom of it. It wears you down to where you don't know which way is up. That's what SS don't get. They aren't living with it constantly 24/7. They get a break from it you don't. They will expect you to be theraputic, and to try this and that, and parenting courses, and whatever.... You will have to jump through hoops and attend endless meetings where everyone will scrutinize your parenting and make even more suggestions of things to try. Throughout all of this your DD will learn how to manipulate people, she will be given power by SS to abuse her parents, she will become stronger, as you become weaker and more worn down, until you can no longer tolerate it and say enough is enough. She may then go into care where she will learn how to manipulate the system to get what she wants from those around her. They will talk to you about attachment and the longer she stays away from home the worse that attachment will get. You will be so relieved to be living without the abuse that you will feel guilty for being glad of the respite, you will feel guilty no matter what happens, you will feel judged by everyone as being a bad mother, whether they are judging you or not. It is carp!

But unless you highlight things and ask for help, you may be blamed if either yourself, or DH lose it, and do anything you might regret. This is why you have got to ask for help and now, in order to protect yourself. Once you are on SS radar, they never really go away, but at least you have asked for help even though it can take way too long to get it. I probably have not helped you by writing this, but this is our reality and keeping quiet about it doesn't really help anyone.

I like Jofran's reply of consequences at the weekend where you carry them through and hubby is there to support.

esty, how you are talking to your As is exactly what we were told to do with our YDD, so I do think you are doing something right! Our YDD told me to p**** off because she knew that was what the therapist she wouldn't engage with had told us to do and she was not interested.. She was 14 at the time, whereas my our son is young enough to accept it in the spirit that's its meant! God luck in finding the therapy or counselling.... It's not easy to get but push like mad if that's what he needs... Otherwise it will be too late!

wait until she is asleep and take it then - at the weekend who pays for her calls/internet?maybe Money on her phone can be a reward for a changed attitude?

if i went down the consequence route here, we would get caught in a vicious circle of negativity, which is horrible and would end with ed basically being in her room or being vile the whole time.
i would have another go at Corrie. i would say in advance that i realised i'd been busy and i missed her, and lets watch Corrie together. later, i might suggest getting a box of chocs to share, at least if you are on your own then you'll have some treats, or better still, she'll share. if successful, try and make it a regular occurence.

Need to go to the loo!!!!?
What shall I do!!!!

that advice may be a little late toko....hope you are not still on that sofa rimjam - one more day before hb is home ....hang on!

Hi Enid thanks for asking.... Back at work now so don't get chance to get on here so much!!! Well things are still tough, but I do take m,y stand on the sofa when I need to .. And have bought tena lady!!!!!!! ( see previous posts) this weekends trial is that YDD is having a friend over for sleep over. Unbeknown to us she booked a £40 horse riding hack for the pair of them. We are doing this thing with pocket money where she has to earn it by doing jobs around the house! EDD and DS do this and are building up a nice sum. She won't do them until she wants to do something and then demands we create jobs. Last time we gave her money in advance, she then refused to earn it and ended up £15 in the red, so were not doing that again. The last time she did this we said we would not do it again as its not fair on the other two who see if as a kind of bank account and when they need money they know they can have it . ASW thinks its a really good idea! Anyway, I have phoned friends mum and she is fine with things Especially  as weather is threatening to be bad! However, YDD carries on in pursuit of victory and is now saying she's going to cancel the sleep over. She thinks we will give in but if we do we will never gain control over our family... So have do we explain that she is cutting off nose to spite face!!!!! arggh! 

She has seen sense. Sleepover is going ahead but now she's going out of her way to annoy me.... I'm being punished again!!!!
Will not be sent to my room this time!!!!
Get those ignoring muscles going again! Hey ho!!! Hopefully she'll drop it when friend arrives this afternoon!!!!