It wasn't about the garlic bread..

she is staying there until 18 as she cant live with all the rows.....rows...what a nerve, in the 10 plus years of us being together it has normally been about her, her and her issues, her and our relationship, her and her inability to do any sort of relationship in or out of the home, I know her and her issues, I have over the years supported, propped up, sought help, but all of it no avail,

Whilst İ have not experienced anything like the extreme behaviour that you, unfortunately have aprilshowers, my eldest dd seemed very determined to leave our family over the last year or so. İ remember watching her climb over the fence to run away without even stroking the dog she loved begging her for a cuddle and she did not once look back. We brought her home and she was so angry and cold but very calmly telling us she did not want to stay. Now she says that at the time she felt so empty that we could have put a gun to her head and she would not flinch

İ hope you get some support when people get back to work - it sounds like littly needs rescuing, fast.

Jofran

oh april - how heartbreaking

sending you all our love from the shadows

Aprilshowers

Beginning to think adoption is a sort of madness!

You know our tales of woe over the years and the extremely miserable new year with blossom arrested etc last year
Then the assaults and partridges disappearing act

Worried to the core

Anyway, so awful I could see no way through but kept the faith somehow

But with blossoms tag and partridges girl friend no5 this year we have had what amounts to a stable Christmas
It can come after a time of enforced separations that actually things just have the space to improve, I wonder if half of it is just time ?

I wish I could magic it all better but no one can so hold on through as best you can following your principles to guide you in hope.

We do very much care xx

Thinking of you all xxx

Its all pants, yes both hubby and I were injured during the blow up, I spent the whole of xmas and new year with busted knee sporting a fetching elastic bandage thingy and having to use a stick, hubby was bruised, it was hubby that decided that enough was enough and called the police, it was the CPS (zero tolerance policy on domestic violence) that decided to press charges, SS at last minute offered respite whilst I healed up as hubby was due back at work, but due to the severe weather conditions he actually was at home for the mon and tues.

We saw the manager of the unit yesterday as he needed to collect uniforms etc, the girls have asked for their laptops, manager says that there is no internet at the unit so they wont be able to get o FB there, also he says that the girls both said they had their own TV's and it would be helpful if they could have one for their room as there is only one in the unit in the main living room, he was also stating that when the adults of the unit move into the flat below littly will be able to have her own room and that is likely to happen within the next couple of weeks, also I did not have to attend the YOS panel as he was taking her and the YO team had agreed to this. So you see, decisions are being made and plans afoot, none of which we seem to have any control over, our SW is now off sick, so we have not spoken with anyone really, just getting bits of information here and there....not sure if it is the fact I have no control, or that I miss my girls or the whole injustice of it all, everything we fought for, all the precautions we put in place to keep them apart but together now all up in the air, they are sharing a room, one is financially responsible for the other and we are not needed in any way other than to provide stuff, the manager sees the wisdom of some degree of separation for the girls as he has seen the manipulation and control of middly, he described it as a force...well that I know.

So have been trying to use this time to heal and recover some semblance of life, but the future is looking bleak and I feel so out of control.

I am due back to work on Monday (its only a part-time cleaning job) some people at work know what has happened, they are very supportive, but the thought of telling them that the girls don't want to come home "due to the rows" fills me with a sense of failure/anger/desperation.

The next few weeks will be somewhat interesting, as most things will be back to normal, this is when the expectations of others will impact on the girls, they will be expected to attend school/college, they will be expected to attend YOS/drug counselling and eventually court appearance, and as the situation at college with middly is still up in the air...they want her out, but with recent events they may have to reconsider this, we have not yet been asked to sign anything official, so at this moment in time they are not Section 20 so not sure where that laves us all.

thank you friends for your support...and ham I'll be round in the week...feather duster in hand wearing a fetching pinny 

 Feel for you, April showers.  You and your husband need to look after yourselves and spend quality time together. Who knows what will happen, but you have done all you can. Xxx

(((((((Aprilshowers and Dh))))))))))

I don't know what to say - what will be will be. You and Dh have each other and the time, love, and good parenting that you put into your 3 will stand them in good stead in the future - whatever that future is - but that is down to them now my love.

Now, when things settle in whatever way that is - once you have sorted out HAM's home - come to the west country for a few days rest and recuperation.

There is a poor old post chemo, moany old git that needs your decluterring and cleaning skills.
Jellies xxxxxxx

Sending extra gentle hugs - so very sad to read what they have just put you through but please hold your head high April and don't add to your burden of worrying what others will think and feel guilty perhaps at an insidious comment about "all the rows".  It is designed to gnaw at you so turn it your advantage when next there is some cranking up of emotions and if you are strong enough turn it into a throwaway joke line said with sweetness if you can manage it.  It may not feel like it and certainly with the children and powers that be calling the shots there are some challenges here BUT  you have more psychological power over them than they realise and the are still bound to you in countless ways - as for all their overt rejection and rebellion they do still care very very much about your reactions and response to them - if they didn't they wouldn't still be communicating in any fashion at all.  Try not to forget that all you have both poured into them is still in their heads and even if you are not with them - you and all you have done will be a constant voice - sometimes you have to just stand back and trust to that while you take the time to heal a little.  Please don't be guilt tripped - I remember my ds leaving sad little notes and poems around his room about being homeless and unloved in the run up to his leaving us - as you know not in the way that was ever envisaged - but it was all about projecting his feelings on to me as he knew I'd come across them and even when we kept to our script of the move being a positive thing so that he could make his own choices and reduce the conflict he felt...  He would bring the poems down and ask me what I thought of them... Very poignant I said about the one lonely homeless chap on a bench poem ... but challenged gently his thoughts about the rest of the chap's family not caring to let him end up there.  I know like most of us you will both sit there in your quiet moments and wonder just how the heck we got here after all we have thrown every kind of therapeutic tool we could find into the mix to try and make a difference - and maybe right now it all seems for nothing but you couldn't have done more so be kind to yourselves and remind yourselves that this is not a situation borne of any failure on your part for any of the children.

for a long long time I felt truly ashamed that My dh and I haven't been able to magically make everything ok for our two - it is only in working with so many families (adoptive as well as blended and the "regular" sort whatever that counts for these days) that I have witnessed the scale of physical and emotional abuse children are perpetrating on each other and their parents which has helped me get some perspective and to take the positives from even the worst of situations- many and various as they have been and continue to be from time to time.... - sadly there are many families walking in the same shoes for one reason or another.  I have been so in awe of you over the years April juggling your 3 (just the practical stuff with my newbies flattens me some days and this is just temporary) so try and  hold your chin up and brazen things out - you are not alone and you know in your hearts that there is not one stone you haven't turned in the quest to support your children.


I hope you have or can get some good support for yourselves given the latest - this is deeply traumatic stuff we deal with on a daily basis and it really does leave a toxic residue that can play havoc with our physical if not emotional well being long after things calm down or even if the children are not under our roof anymore.  Then there is all dealing with others, extended family etc etc and that takes its toll - a whole area of pain in the mix we just don't need...

just be gentle on yourselves and make yourselves the priority - if there is one thing I have learned it's that our kids can make it through situations that make our hair curl.

much love and strength and many gentle hugs

mx

So sorry to hear how much you are going through April. I wish I had useful things to say, but I can instead only say that I hope things improve for you and your family soon.