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Post by taliesin on Nov 26, 2013 21:01:08 GMT
So, today we met our family.....Fireman Sam and Upsy Daisy  !! Hardly any sleep last night.....what a surprise! Planning meeting was about 90 minutes, then hour break before going to FC's house. The children had Tomy books and intro books last week....but at their ages, it was clear although the oldest (2.5) knew something was going on, the poor mite could hardly understand what it all meant. We did know he was 'acting out' a bit last few days and littly is currently teething (15months - with stinking cold chucked in for good measure!), so we very much wanted to try and make it low key for them, not being toooooo enthusiastic or 'in their faces' to try and help them make sense of it all. We're trying to manage our own expectations so happy for them to take the lead! The intro book was a hit with Sam, in as much as he loves his bedroom and theme - something he could recognise and connect with...but what mummy & daddy meant was obviously hard for him to comprehend, especially as he has very recent memories of BM & BD from contact. Sam has taken to hubby very well...which we expected and tbh Im just very, very glad he could 'connect' on some level with one of us. He did make eye contact with me twice but we'd already agreed to take it slowly with him and at his own pace. I've been most concerned about him all along...... Littly - well, I can see she's going to be a handful !!!! She is a confident and happy little soul who after about 10 mins was happy to come to me, let me pick her up to sit on my lap as we played, put her arms out for me....cried the crocodile tears when she thought her brother was getting more attention!! But have to say, considering her health at the moment I was expecting a cranky little girl who just wanted her FC .....its obvious she has a very close bond with the FC - who is struggling - but also that she feels safe and secure. We found out more about Sam the last few days......nothing which came as a great suprise from our 'reading between the lines', but still - to hear some things...well, on one hand it was a relief if you know what I mean, to know the extent as thats all we've ever asked for so we could find 'strategies' etc...but on the other hand, it did bring us back down to earth - not a bad thing, but the saying 'rollercoaster ride' is very apt isnt it! Ive always tried to be honest and this 'diary' will be no exception; I/we havent fallen in love....tbh, think we're too shellshocked still to really know how we feel, so not dwelling too much on that.....it is a very strange feeling looking at these 2 faces, knowing we will be responsible for them for the rest of our lives.....I think that also it shouldnt be underestimated how it feels not seeing any resemblance between us......Im not going to say exactly how that feels as its a bit confusing at the moment and I know its mainly tiredness and 'over thinking' everything - but for others reading this who will get to this stage - just know its 'normal' and at the end of day 1 I am coming to terms with my own feelings, so I can help them....it will come in time I dont doubt.....just remember for some its instant, but for me it isnt - and thats ok!!! All in all - very tiring few hours for them and us; schedule coming up doesn't have a 'free day', so need to catch up on much needed sleep!!! This is all VERY strange and after waiting so long, I can still hardly believe that they will be our children forever......god knows how their minds are working and trying to process all this, and thats what I need to keep remembering. Ps....note to cuddly mums out there...wear a t-shirt that tucks into your jeans....I looked like Bob the Builder all afternoon playing on he floor with my bum on view - very attractive !!! xxx |
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soon2be3
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Post by soon2be3 on Nov 26, 2013 21:11:34 GMT
Really pleased that today has come for you and you have met your children  Intros are very unreal and difficult but do get easier. I hope you have a good day tomorrow. |
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connect4
Bronze Member
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Post by connect4 on Nov 26, 2013 21:32:23 GMT
It's lovely to hear your news. It's gone really well today. You are right to take things gently. Don't worry about the falling in love thing - it will come (I fell in love with our son instantly but it took me much much longer with our daughter). Really looking forward to the next installment! |
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Post by nomoretears on Nov 26, 2013 21:32:59 GMT
Firstly, congratulations!! Day one survived. Secondly I'm surprised from the intro diaries on here how many people have planning meetings on the same day as meeting their children for the first time. How on earth can you concentrate?? My own LA stopped this years ago for that very reason! Thirdly, I think most adopters are shell shocked at the end of day one, and I've always found your honesty very refreshing. Fourthly, on a personal level (and as someone about to go through intros very shortly "from the other side" (I mean as a foster carer, not as in some spooky underworld!) please go easy on little ones' foster carer if she's struggling. That'll be me very soon  Enjoy tomorrow! |
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Post by happyone on Nov 26, 2013 21:51:10 GMT
Beautifully honest xxxxx
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Post by taliesin on Nov 26, 2013 21:57:55 GMT
Cheers ladies.......Nomore - it was all a bit emotional tbh; we've really felt for the FC since our 1st meeting - she isnt experienced at moving children on and wasnt expecting a sibling placement for so long and really, really cares about the children - there are other things as well, but I wont go into too much detail on here I texted her earlier to see how she was, I hoped the fallout wasnt too bad after we went (can imagine it may have beenn...), to say thankyou for making today easy for us - its a fine line between not insulting or being condescending, but showing her we respect her and are grateful - at the end of the day, we want this relationship to work as shes still with the LO's more than us during intros so need her on side.....and I genuinely respect what shes tried to achieve with them both. Anyway - rambling now and I need my beauty sleep - and I aint getting any younger, folks !!!! Thanks for all your kind comments and well wishes.......it really matters to be able to share my worries - and joy (must remember: I AM joyful as well!!) - like other 'new mums' do !!! Cup of tea and bed now I think.....if you see me still on here in half hour, by all means tell me off!!! xxx |
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Post by knight on Nov 26, 2013 22:25:57 GMT
Oh WOW !!! Tali and Ivor - the day arrived and went, so amazing. I saw my great niece the other day about Upsy Daisy's age and tried to explain to her mum how it would be if I was the prospective adopter for her, engaging but letting her approach me at her own pace etc: it put it into a whole new light as I was watching great-niece and trying to think outside the box. I suppose I'm grateful I'm looking for an older child where whilst she may not fully grasp the enormity of what's happening, there will at least be words - much harder for baby/toddlers. Hats off to you guys, so exciting. Can't wait to hear the next instalments   x |
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Post by taliesin on Nov 26, 2013 22:32:28 GMT
Oh WOW !!! Tali and Ivor - the day arrived and went, so amazing. I saw my great niece the other day about Upsy Daisy's age and tried to explain to her mum how it would be if I was the prospective adopter for her, engaging but letting her approach me at her own pace etc: it put it into a whole new light as I was watching great-niece and trying to think outside the box. I suppose I'm grateful I'm looking for an older child where whilst she may not fully grasp the enormity of what's happening, there will at least be words - much harder for baby/toddlers. Hats off to you guys, so exciting. Can't wait to hear the next instalments x Knight, spot on - thats how Ive tried explaining to friends and family....imagine it was your little gem who was being taken away from you, then some stranger turning up, calling herself mummy........people do seem to get it at first, but tbh I think thats such a scary, emotional and BIG thing for them to consider & compare, they park it at the back of their brain as being too painful for them to contemplate, then tell me it'll be different for 'ours' as they wont remember....grrrrrr!!!! Anyway - thankyou, lol!!!!!!!! you just wait till its your turn girl!!!! |
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Post by leo on Nov 26, 2013 22:39:51 GMT
Go to bed!
I was also someone who didn't fall in love at first sight - just felt scared and overwhelmed to be honest. It passes - and love finds its way in.
Enjoy intros as much as you can - but go to bed!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2013 22:43:08 GMT
Wow Tali & Ivor apologies from me. I'm a bit distracted at the moment and have lost all track of time with everything that's been going on at my end. I thought your intro's were next week so you've completely taken me by surprise!  How wonderful that you've finally met Sam and Daisy. Would have loved to be a fly on the wall watching you crawling around Tali.  Can't wait to hear more, and promise me you won't be trawling the net until the wee hours - Get some sleep, you will need it!!!  Good luck for tomorrow and enjoy!! |
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Post by lilka on Nov 27, 2013 0:52:10 GMT
Fantastic that you've met them I didn't love any of my children at first sight, nor did I feel love for months, and over a year for my daughters - I love them more than my life now though!! In the early days it's important to remember that you will love your children unconditionally in the end, however it long it takes to get there, and don't be worried or put off by posts from people who loved their LO immediately, one look and that was that. Reality is, no matter where you start, you all end up in the same place. Some people may love their child sooner in placement, but they don't love their children any more than you will love Sam and Daisy when you've had more time. You're all ending up in roughly the same place, so it's completely normal and okay whichever emotional route you take to get to that place Also can't wait to hear more, hope tomorrow goes really well as well |
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Post by moo on Nov 27, 2013 12:25:53 GMT
Wow..... Intro diary.... Yeh that seems to have come round faster than I was expecting sorry tali....love intro diary's
Well done lovin reading about upsy & Sam....
It is soo megga & exhilarating & exhausting all rolled into one.... I like you was sooo aware that this was the first day of the rest of our lives & things really would NEVER be the same EVER again.... It made the meeting & first moments totally awe inspiring.... Yep agree forget what others felt.... love or not at first sight .....as lilka says we all will go thro fire for our littlies eventually....
My mistake was not to take enough photos... So go girl get loads of you & Ivor with your littlies magic.... Look after the f/c I so admire them it must be hell to say byebye....
Enjoy ....get loads of sleep ( you will sooo need it if you don't have a rest day....) & dose up both of you on echinacea ....
Oh & stop flashing!!
Xx. moo. Xx
Can't wait for more!!!
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Post by sivier on Nov 27, 2013 16:20:52 GMT
Brilliant to hear how you are getting on, take care of yourselves and good luck with the rest of intros.
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Post by bumbleb33 on Nov 27, 2013 18:55:31 GMT
Glad it's going well Tali and Ivor. It's nice to know that you're out there somewhere else in the country going through Intros the same time as us |
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Post by taliesin on Nov 28, 2013 0:53:22 GMT
Day 2...ok so now I e got my thoughts in order with thanks to some very kind pms & comments from you all, lol!! I know yesterday was a combination of shock, tiredness, worrying how Sam was dealing with it....& if I'm being VERY honest a case if last minute wobbles about "carp is this really what I want....I'm now responsible for these 2 little people...this is scary..." Much better today!! We both felt apprehensive what to expect - not so much about Sam rejecting me, but honestly how hard it was for him to process it all...I've been really worried about it.. Yesterday was horrible with FC & 1 SW wanting to keep firm boundaries, and me more 'what do we expect, let him process in own time even if means he's shouting or not lurking stuff away'...and another SW noddi g sagely on the fence and Mr T....well, not over analysing & actually just being!!! Don't get me wrong - no arguments because I deferred to them and let FC decide boundaries...but did feel he deserved a bit more slack in that first 2-hour meeting when being told thus us 'new' mum & dad. Anyway.... Today he greeted daddy & asked him to come into room and play trains, made eye contact with me - but what really bowled us over, was him going to his book, pointing out mummy, pointing to me ' repeating it.....my doubts disappeared! To Daisy, we could be anyone tbh she's so you g but that's ok...she's just a babe for heavens sake!! I let daddy play whilst I chatted with FC...really want to put her at ease with us so had nice chat telling her how grateful we were for helping us and acknowledging it must be hard having us in her home etc....stuff like that. We also asked if could take things at slower pace today ie what shed normally do as yesterday was too intense and not fair on Sam...if could watch tv together & just let him absorb things slower with us just being there as a constant not necessarily doing things all the time....it helped that Dausy was grizzly do bad a nap which gave us 1-2-1 time with Sam...made lots of fuss, lots of handsome boy, good boy, mummy thinks your a lovely boy etc... Daddy played with him then sat back for me to....then sat happily with me watching tv For a child who doesn't like touch & is withdrawn he made lots if eye contact, let me hold his hand whilst watching tv - and was gripping my finger! Omg...at that point I thought you stupid moo, this will be on! Lots of consistent praise, gentle & inconspicuous touching so it wasn't a big deal for him....let me pick him up when he banged his head, feed him & change his nappy......he LET me be near him! Think it's the 1-2-1 he needed without competition from sister who just wants to destroy his toys! In hindsight (& well suggest this) when meeting young siblings can't help think its better to do individually rather than expect them/us to meet altogether, trying to go e equal time/attention, trying to meet different understanding needs.....I'm not an expert & suppose a tried/tested method, maybe it works other times, but just feel it'll be less intense in the circumstances of our Sam. Doesn't matter how prepared you are - and it's really not about me feeling hurt or rejected - but nothing prepares you vid this little person who has a sad frown all the time and 'old' eyes....think it's that which made me sad and doubt myself yesterday....seeing this hurt little boy who us a world away from 'normal' toddlers who are quick to smile or giggle. Today was lovely and hard to leave but we stuck to our time leaving without protracted goodbyes just that mummy ' daddy would be back tomorrow to see our handsome boy (I'm writing more about Sam but it was MUDs balanced than I'm getting across! Been thinking about all this today (never, I hear you cry!!).....it's all part of normal processing for us...I mean, you accept how/why you're adopting (whatever your reasons) but for us I think because we doesn't so many years trying for a family, stages of isolation from pregnant friends/family, dealing with own losses, spending so long thinking about adoption, you actually put motherhood up in a pedalstool.... You know all the theory & advice - but part of you never feels quite good enough; I think when you combine those feelings with the strangeness of looking into 2 little faces who are so alien from yours ' your partners, who are not part of you.... It does kind of freak you out a bit...not in z dramatic way, just internalising those feelings with mixture of hut and shame - I mean, we've asked for this these children haven't therefore I shouldn't be feeling like this. Anyway - it's all ok: I e given myself permission fit feeling like this and know I'm not a horrible person which I thought last night & this morning (thanks Daisy, mate !!) Uve jus worked through this & got last those feelings and back to my normal 'yes, no matter what were committed to these two & that's enough for now, all else will come!'...much more balanced & sensible!! Could out a gloss over things but hope others in future who may feel the same, just know you're it the only one (well, I hope others feel the same & it's NOT just me lol)!! Just know not to feel guilty or ashamed for having a wobble....Christ, were still getti g used to ri g matched with them! Harder days ahead - absolutely! But need to remember to live in the moment and not worry about all the lights/sharifs if next few yrs, instead consciously make decision each day to live in the now!!! Xxx |
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Post by taliesin on Nov 28, 2013 1:13:09 GMT
Auto spell check crud and too tired to edit.....for your own musement, fill in your own words in above missive!! Ps...guilt and shame, NOT hut & shame.....sigh! !!! Xx |
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Post by moo on Nov 28, 2013 5:57:32 GMT
Wow tali.....  
You have done soooo much thinking.... Good on ya gal.....
Yep of course this is massive & I sooo remember being really REALLY scared.....
BUT you have put yourselves out there been thro so much to get here.... You have read & studied & explored you sooo are ready & prepared.... Now it really is time for the very tuff stuff!!!  You deep down know you are 101% committed so this it....it is time to saddle up & go for it.... Yep having 2 is tuff harder to do the 1 on 1 time but be kind to yourself it is a learning curve to you all... As a very wise one said to me recently you really are aloud to mess up sometimes... Why coz it just proves to you that you are human & to the children too... It allows for much more interaction & explanation & choosing stuff that works for you!!
Hey you are doing BRILLIANTLY shake off the self doubt & go skweeeze a son or daughter already!!!
Fab intro diary so honest tali.... You are doing fine honxxxxxx
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by knight on Nov 28, 2013 7:39:34 GMT
Oh Tali, you have done a lot of thinking/processing: it's awful how we judge ourselves/reflect but it's all part of it I think. Lovely to hear that Sam is responding well to touch, bless. Hope today goes well (and try to get to bed earlier tonight missus!!!) - although I'm surprised anyone manages to sleep at all through intros x |
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Post by oysterbabe on Nov 28, 2013 7:53:48 GMT
It's lovely to hear its going well Tali and how you're feeling. Good luck with today! Great diary, love it!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2013 8:36:30 GMT
Wow Tali thanks for the update and for your honesty. Of course you are confused, you've just met two strangers, and in a few days they are coming home with you, it's terrifying! I remember the day we brought our BS home from the hospital and I looked at him sleeping in his car seat and thought OMG I am responsible for this little scarp, and being terrified, but do you know what, after a couple of days I was flinging him around (not literally ) and felt like he'd always been here and as if I'd been a mum for years. Intro's are horribly unnatural - You are trying to be instant parents, having never done it before, with two complete strangers, while you have FC, SW whoever, over your shoulder watching and observing and making you feel nervous and judged - what's natural about that? It does get easier day by day when everyone gets used to each other and starts to relax a little bit. Also whe you start to go out and about it eases that "I'm being scrutinized feeling" and once LO's are in your home environment, it is a lot easier as you are more comfortable in your own surroundings and can get into your own routine. Your posts are great though as they are probably a lot more honest than most people about your fears and (non existant - imaginary) failings. Looking forward to hearing about day 3. |
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Post by daisy1985 on Nov 29, 2013 18:35:05 GMT
Hey tali
Sam and daisy are VERY lucky to have an amazing mummy... The more you long for it the more you expect from yourself but you sound like you are doing an amazing job
I had these expectations I'd be super mum, the most patient and caring mother ever! The reality is I shout more than I should j forget wipes, and spare undies when we are out, I'm don't allow juice very often or as many treats as they would like, I don't always remember to get Huey's glasses on Him in a morning , but I love my boys to the moon and stars and back again!
Super expectations just aren't realistic and In all honesty I'm not sure our kids would settle as well if we were so perfect as it would raise their own expectations of themselves!
You are doing good tali! Xx
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Post by annie70 on Dec 12, 2013 23:16:31 GMT
Hi Tali I haven't managed to read all of your intros but wishing you loads of love and luck Day 1 for us - well the little boy I had fallen in love with on paper was totally different so I have had to start all over again and some days it comes easier than others... you will be fine... it's just the strangest scenario you will ever face and it doesn't get less tiring but it does get better when you get them home and don't have the glare of SWs and FCs who all mean well but make it even more surreal! And no matter how good a parent you WILL be, you are still learning about these children and reacting to their needs so take it easy on yourself Thinking of you and hope to catch up properly soon, Annie xxx |
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Post by moo on Dec 13, 2013 15:52:13 GMT
Hey Tali...
Been thinking of you lots ....  how are you Ivor & the lil' uns???
Hope all is well & the exhaustion becoming normality!!!
Xx. moo. Xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2013 17:05:03 GMT
Yes come on Tali - Now Ivor is a member too, surely one of you could pop on and post a note telling us how you're getting on - NAG! NAG! NAG!  Stop leaving us in suspenders!!  |
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Post by bumbleb33 on Dec 13, 2013 22:40:43 GMT
I hope all is going well. If not, then feel free to pm me. I'm happy to admit that we've found the first week home very hard going!
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Post by flutterby on Dec 14, 2013 20:18:27 GMT
Yes come on Tali - Now Ivor is a member too, surely one of you could pop on and post a note telling us how you're getting on - NAG! NAG! NAG! Stop leaving us in suspenders!! Oh, JMK, I just love predictive predictive text! Not sure what you normally get up to with Tali |
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Post by nomoretears on Jan 13, 2014 21:03:51 GMT
Anyone know how Tali and family are doing??
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2014 8:28:57 GMT
No - not a single word from her since kiddies came home.
I hope things are well. Tali has a history of doing this, disappearing for ages and then coming back and all is well. I just hope it is because she is rushed off her feet with two littlies keeping her busy, but I am a tad annoyed that neither herself or Ivor have popped on to even post one quick line to say all is well or whatever. I just hope she is not back in hospital and that all are well.
Tali if you are reading this and I don't think you are - Can you please just post to tell us you are ok, or contact one of us by pm if you don't want to post on the boards for whatever reason. xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2014 8:33:44 GMT
Have just sent her an email. Will post on here if I get a reply.
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Post by moo on Jan 14, 2014 9:07:06 GMT
Thanx.... Really been wondering if all is ok....
Xx. moo. Xx
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!! Hardly any sleep last night.....what a surprise! 
x 
You deep down know you are 101% committed so this it....it is time to saddle up & go for it.... Yep having 2 is tuff harder to do the 1 on 1 time but be kind to yourself it is a learning curve to you all... As a very wise one said to me recently you really are aloud to mess up sometimes... Why coz it just proves to you that you are human & to the children too... It allows for much more interaction & explanation & choosing stuff that works for you!!
how are you Ivor & the lil' uns??? 
