Toddlers

BREAKING THE PATTERN OF DIFFICULT BEDTIMES - advice kindly provided by LEO

Some things that have worked for us:
- we now have bathtime much earlier, usually before tea, and then come back down in pyjamas
- we choose (or Mummy chooses depending on the 'atmosphere') a bedtime story when we have a bath so it is ready
- everything is already laid out before bathtime so there is no need for last minute faffing around trying to find things
- clothes for the next morning are folded and put into the bathroom before bathtime
- I close curtains, put nightlight on etc in bedroom while they are undressing or are in the bath
- teeth are brushed for them (and to be honest, often left as really not worth the stress for any of us)
- at bedtime, they are 'walked' into their bedroom - hand in hand
- they have eczema so have cream after their bath but I also rub in cream on their hands or face at bedtime if they are a bit stressy (but have to judge this carefully because if they are too stressed then they can't cope with the sensation)
- for ages we had a visual timetable of all the steps involved in bathtime and another for bedtime (that included a picture of me and them together again in the morning)
- sometimes, when I've really been struggling, I have set a timer and said 'this is your time limit, you can choose whether we get dressed and into bed quickly giving us lots of time for huggles and story or whether you have only time for a quick hug'. (On days we only managed a quick hug I would always go back 5 minutes later for another quick hug - assuming at that time I wasn't still restraining them from the manic and violent outbursts)
- for six months they slept in my room (little foam pull out beds on the floor) and this helped reassure them I'd still be ther in the morning. They still sleep in my room at times of stress and when they have lots of nightmares.
- we use a 'talking button' (Talking products) that I record a lullaby and a short message onto each night so they can keep it by their pillow and play it as many times as they need to reassure themselves that I am still here, still love them
- we still use baby monitors; they are reassured by knowing I can hear them
- for the first year I sat in their bedrooms reading a book until they went to sleep (actually, for the first 8 months or so I think I was by the bed, holding them in it!) I then progressed to sitting in the doorway - probably another few months, then on the landing for another few months. Now I stay up stairs reading on my bed or hanging washing in the airing cupboard.
- I have really worked hard on minimising transitions (at all times of the day but especially bedtimes) so they stay in one place as much as possible (bit tricky when they can't be together but also can't safely be left alone!) and everything we need is prepared in advance. It feels like a military operation sometimes but that seems to help maintain calm.
- we follow an absolute routine for the order we do things which seems to help calm them
- for months on end, Hurricane could not cope with washing/bathing at all in the evenings so I moved it to the morning and that worked for quite a while
- having a chewy snack or drinking a smoothie through a straw before bath time also helped when we were at that stage
- I know for some people, doing an action song or rhyme can help (but my two seem to get hyped by this)
- one of my boys has a lullaby machine - like the ones you put on a cot but can turn the volume really low and you can set how long it stays on for; he is very easily over stimulated so we have it really quiet and have never used the light display on it
- I used to do the 'I'll be back in one minute', then two, then three etc (actually, still do this but can now say 'I'll pop back in for a hug in ten minutes')
- often used to lie with them as my body temperature and heart rate would help regulate theirs (much like with a young baby) and they could then calm down
- each night at bedtime we talk about how Mummy will still be there in the morning and how I still love them and can keep them safe no matter which room of the house they or I am in
- each night we talk about love for each other being in our heart and going round our body with each heartbeat - we then 'choose' something of each other to put into our heart each night as a special reminder that we love each other and we 'give it back' in the morning - so tonight Hurricane chose my smelly feet and I chose his gorgeous golden hair, Tsunami chose my 'sparkly brown eyes' and I chose his freckles
- they have a photo of us together on their bedside table so they can remember that we are a family and we will still be one in the morning
- I often used to (don't do it so much now - and really ought to now I've remembered it!) tell them one thing about them that I had particularly loved about them that day - when they'd been kind or thoughtful or managed to have a bath!

What a long ramble, sorry! Nothing has been a quick fix and we still have some nights of incredible chaos but we used to have that every night, for three hours a night at least. Lots of our issues - although I didn't realise it for ages - were around sensory stuff so when they were tired things just got so much worse as couldn't bear being touched for a wash, taking clothes off, getting dried... by doing bath time earlier we avoid a lot of those sensory and tiredness problems.

I hope something in that list is maybe worth trying; if not then maybe take encouragement from the fact that our bedtimes used to be truly awful and last for hours on end - and now I very rarely have that; they have learnt a bedtime routine and Hurricane at least can actually take himself off to sleep. Staying asleep? Well, that's a whole new adventure!