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Post by annie70 on Sept 12, 2013 15:22:15 GMT
We have been linked with a blue LO who is 6  His social worker and family finder are coming next week and I am all of a dither trying to make sure I ask sensible things and use my head... DH would take LO tomorrow but there are various issues in the CPR around contact with unsuitable adults as well as dissociation and other anxiety-related behaviours and I need to be sure we can cope... We / our SW has already told the SWs that we want to talk about whether sx abuse was suspected, how contact will work in the future, support for theraputic input and I have just emailed to ask for FC reports / more detail on behaviours, OT assessment, latest school report etc and what prep has been done with him towards his adoption. So what else should I be asking? And what documents do I have the right to see? ideally i would like to see all previous FC reports and make up my own mind about behaviours but will they give them to me? I am mindful that they are coming to see if they like us so don't want to be too pushy  |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 12, 2013 16:25:58 GMT
Thanks Tokoloshe - I will check it out...
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Post by taliesin on Sept 12, 2013 17:04:15 GMT
Aw Annie - lovely for you, congratulations  I had similar dilemma - knew lots of things to ask, just wasnt sure what!! We went methodcially through report & noted where we knew there was something we should be asking, but didnt know what the questions were, so asked what more they could explain/tell/find out....that lead onto them going away and getting more info, which led onto further discussions and some discrepancies! Also meant we had specific stuff to ask the medical adviser when we met them. What I really wanted though, was a second opinion who was experienced to read the report and read between the lines with us! (isnt that what our SW is for..hmm?!?!) Perhaps thats a service we could start up??! Anyway.......just a couple of ideas sure you've already covered; 1) Contact; spell out concerns/your thoughts, ask them to explain why they think appropriate and reasoning behind it; are they convincing? Are they just ticking the box for the benefit of the BF?? 2) Disassociation & Anxiety related......trawl the boards, pick out issues/experiences to discuss with SW - put scenarios to them, what their professional opinion is; even if not got all the answers at the meeting, it should start the communication with the end-game presumably on some support? Is there any training they can send you on?? 3) Who else of significance has there been in his life...other FC's, support worker/teacher in school - you want to meet them (start with "We/I want, rather than 'like'...we've started learning a few meetings in, that when we take a firm and less-emotional attitude we're taken more seriously and not fobbed off as much.....) We weren't pushy at first 2 meetings, but were clear had lots to find/ask about.......They expect you to have lots of questions - and you've already listed some good ones we didnt think of and now wish had!! Dont worry if they'll send reports to you - ask anyway (even if cant send, you may get unofficial tidbits...we termed it as 'helps us build up their story so we can understand better how to parent them' - luckily we were told lots unofficially/suspected but not confirmed and therefore not disclosed in reports...) It definetly helped us to send questions the week before to give them chance to get hold of reports/info etc...that really helped our first meeting with LO's SW and meant at our 2nd meeting, we could push again on the 'gaps' they still hadnt supplied...... Incredibly, beforehand I was so concerned about wanting them to like us, I forgot to think of 'softer' stuff like....whats he like; whats he into; does he have hobbies/friends etc; whats his personality?? Ooooo so exciting!!!! |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 12, 2013 17:47:31 GMT
Thanks Tali - that's really helpful - especially the bit about wanting rather than liking to! And good to know that you had a further meeting where you could press for stuff they hadn't sent yet... And yes, that is what our SW is meant to do but she looked so shocked when I mentioned worries about sx abuse it was as if she had not read it at all!!!! We really want to get to the FC reports as we need to know if he has ever exhibited any sx behaviours as we need to know if we can leave him alone with other children etc... Reading your post a second time I feel like DH and I need to do a bit more prep together - he is very glass half full so in SW meetings it can sometimes feel like I am the only one in the room who is being thorough but everyone else thinks I am being negative Really glad we have emailed in advance - hopefully they will come prepared and if not it's good to know we can be forceful and chase them (and that they expect it!) ... and must remember to ask what he is like Thanks, AX |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 13, 2013 8:01:20 GMT
Hi Spinnaker Thanks so much - really good idea about the good cop / bad cop and splitting the question areas between us... I can see how that would really help each of us listen to the information properly... as long as we don't talk over one another which we do have a tendency to do when we are excited There won't be any kicking under the table though - table is very small and there will be 5 of us so I would risk kicking the wrong person!!! Our SW has been really good at teaching us to read between the lines but they have particular worries about this link (around contact and future fb issues etc) and so I feel are a bit blinded to the other issues which are the ones which are ringing alarm bells for me... I think that's why I am coming across as negative as I am reading between the lines and trying to see what they are not writing whereas DH is quite happy to accept that if it is not stated it did not happen / won't be an issue! Thanks too for the risk assessment info. - maybe that is something we could get them to do around contact / Bfamily issues - we are not particularly worried although by the state of our SW perhaps we should be! Photos - ah now there's a problem... we have already seen pics and a short video... and yes initially we were drawn to him because he looks like us - as well as a host of personality traits which we think are a good fit... but we have to put our hearts away now and just use our heads and our canny questioning to find out all we can... Blimey this is stressful Thanks for your help |
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Post by kstar on Sept 13, 2013 9:32:50 GMT
My SW pushed for me to be allowed to see the psych evaluation done on BM for the placement order, and it turned out to be s insightful. Unlike SWs, the psych was able to voice concerns and professional instinct about what may have happened, so I read about all kinds of incidents which would never make it on to Starlet's file as SS will only commit to writing when something has been proved beyond doubt. I also arranged to meet the social workers and family support workers who were involved before Starlet was removed, one of whom is now more useful to me than everyone else combined.
I agree that you need to think with your head not your heart, I was lucky because it turned out to be a perfect match, but I had to steal myself for being strong enough to say no if necessary. It's so emotional, it's easy to get sucked in!
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Post by taliesin on Sept 13, 2013 11:43:15 GMT
Kstar just reminded me we also saw psych evaluations on BM and 1 BD....what was more interesting was what was written 'in-between the lines'! And its that which sparked a lot of the questions I referred to before... Going to pm you x |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 13, 2013 16:02:02 GMT
Thanks Kstar - really useful to know these things are possible - they don't bl**dy volunteer the information though do they? grrr... well let's hope our SW will support all of our requests for reports - she doesn't think we need to worry but the psych report sounds really important and could be the key... Thanks Tali - have PM'd you back Ax |
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Post by kstar on Sept 13, 2013 16:05:56 GMT
With an older child I would say just keep talking to people! Talk to teachers and the head from his school, foster carers and any previous carers, health professionals (someone will have done his stat medicals), just anyone you can get hold of. Assuming you definitely decide to proceed, push for a life appreciation day. I cried all day but it was so useful - not just for what I heard on the day, but for making links with professionals who cared enough to come and talk about my gorgeous little girl. Some of the hasn't seen her since she was a baby, but it was still lovely to hear what they remembered.
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Post by annie70 on Sept 13, 2013 22:01:50 GMT
Thanks again kstar It's nearly really real now isn't it - stupidly I think it's taken me a week to realise that! I / we have been finding it so hard not to get excited and we will sit down on Sunday and make a huge list of questions and, frankly, not be prepared to be fobbed off... Its' so good to know that you and others have asked for lots of reports and details and got them - and we would love to talk to previous / original FCs (they are no longer FCs but do you think they would still be willing???) ... it would make such a difference if we could build a picture of the missing bits (and they are so obviously missing) - we can cope with a lot of things but we need to be able to parent him appropriately to his experiences and so we need to know what they were / might have been... Life appreciation day - yes, I imagine I would blub all the way through (i am the soppy one) but it would be so worthwhile... Thanks again - i am sure I will be in touch for your infinite wisdom again soon Axx |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 15, 2013 19:23:07 GMT
Thanks Spinnaker - all really good advice. It's nice to hear that time in FC can be an advantage - although I am sure it brings it's own issues as you say! We have made our list and tomorrow evening we will plan our delivery Head firmly screwed on - have fun with the Beaver kids! Ax |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 16, 2013 16:19:18 GMT
blimey... LO's FF just emailed me her answers to my questions before we actually meet tomorrow ... they are not what we wanted to hear but at least we can go into more depth tomorrow... house is clean and tidy, biscuits bought, outfit picked, more questions written ... not sure what do with myself |
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Post by taliesin on Sept 16, 2013 21:42:39 GMT
I think I was more nervous meeting the Los SW & ff than anything else! Good luck....xx
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Post by leo on Sept 17, 2013 11:59:36 GMT
Hi Annie,
I hope your meeting has gone well and you are still feeling positive about your ability to parent this LO. I adopted two boys at age five and a half who had a long and traumatic history - but I really had to root around, ask lots of questions and demand copies of paperwork before I felt I really had enough evidence to build a picture of my children and their needs (and so much more has come out since placement).
Things I found useful were the developmental checks done by doctors (to see if progress was being made or if they were stuck), psychologist reports (only discovered they had been assessed by accident), report from previous play therapist, foster carer logs, minutes of previous LAC reviews, nursery reports as well as school ones.
I don't think SS withheld information deliberately but some SW just can't seem to see the need for information from two or three years ago; almost as if they think it has no bearing on the formation of that child!
I discovered that no-one had ever read all the reports 'together'; they had been done over a long period of time and each I think had been read and then filed without thinking to cross reference with other reports and comments. I found it really useful to go through all the information I had with a trusted friend (less emotionally involved) and we sat and highlighted concerns and worrying comments - then I presented these to SS and was able to use this to secure some attachment focused therapy as part of our initial support plan.
Sorry for rambling, not used to posting in public but trying to be brave!
Leo
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Post by annie70 on Sept 17, 2013 12:56:04 GMT
Well they have just left and I am feeling pretty traumatised and drained - you are right Tali - this is the most nervous I have been and now it turns out it's a competitive match  We had some information of the 'not sure', 'maybe', 'no records' etc variety yesterday and so that has been hard but we also had a school report which was really positive and made it really hard to go with head not heart today. SW and FF were really gushy about LO - he is bright and obviously resliant and we think will manage the transition okay - albeit with a lot of clinging and lots of anxiety. What the future will bring is anyone's guess (as ever!)... Leo - thanks for your post - your first one on here - I am honoured It's really useful to have a list of reports to ask for although it turns out there has been no psych report, no records of the 6 monthly developmental checks, no FC reports from the first year in care and there has been no play therapy so far... all we have is a school report and the LAC minutes (one side of A4 to cover a year)... and because it was not managed in-house for some time (something about an external agency) there is no way of filling the gaps. We have got to the stage where we think this is the child for us and now we have to wait to find out who they choose - soooo hard... and feeling quite emotional at the prospect of not having very much information for the future when the difficult questions start to come up Our SW thinks we did well - a good mix of being gushy and showing emotions as well as having thought about schools and activities and highlighting all the experience we have to bring... so now we just have to wait... I will post a list of what we were asked in a bit while it is fresh - hopefully it will help others when they get here Ax |
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Post by taliesin on Sept 17, 2013 12:59:42 GMT
Will PM you A...xx
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Post by kstar on Sept 17, 2013 13:56:47 GMT
If you decide to go ahead, keep pushing for more information. I would be very wary of parenting a child without loads more information than you have been given. Starlet is mega resilient and in general an absolute dream to care for, but I was literally smothered with information about her, no holds barred. It didn't put me off, it just gave me really useful tools to cope with what she is going through, knowing about specifics from her past - like some quite nasty DV that she witnessed - means when she cries and has nightmares ocasionally, I have a fair idea what it is going through her little head.
Good luck with the horrible process of competitive matching, but as I say, if you are chosen, then get your Bolshevik head on! That information all exists somewhere, if not in writing then in the heads of the people who dealt with him!
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Post by annie70 on Sept 17, 2013 14:17:54 GMT
Thanks kstar - we will push and push for more if we are chosen... LO's SW has not even met him yet but his previous SW is still on the team and we would get to meet with her and previous FC so the grilling starts there! Ax
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Post by annie70 on Sept 17, 2013 15:52:05 GMT
Okay, so for anyone who has read down this far and want to know what LO's FF and SW asked: 1. they wanted to know what had attracted us to him and why we though we were a good match 2. They asked how many other profiles we had looked at and whether we were considering any other children at the moment (no!) 3. They wanted to know about schools in the local area - we had given it some thought and knew that LAC get priority places - plus we gave reasons for our preferred school - small, nurturing etc 4. They questioned how we would cope with his known conditions - we detailed our personal and professional experience and we had a chat about being flexible and parenting theraputically 5. They wanted to know from our SW (diff. area) what support would be available to us and, from us, our closest family / support network geographically 6. They were interested to hear that we are up for the direct and indirect contact and we talked about FB and fallout from contact (they were very keen to point out that the provision of contact was important at the start but seemed to insinuate that we could see if it was worthwhile and change arrangements later if we wanted...). We also said we wanted to meet the BF. 7. They had a look around the house and seemed happy enough... 8. We talked about local activities for children and we got excited 9. We asked what other reports / info we might be able to get and they can get various assessments done if we are chosen... So that was about it - we asked some quite specific questions about the CPR and made lots of good noises about the positive stuff we had read but tbh they had answered most of our list in their introduction... Hope that helps someone! Ax |
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Post by knight on Sept 17, 2013 18:09:04 GMT
Thanks Annie, that's really helpful Knight |
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Post by daisy1985 on Sept 18, 2013 15:37:50 GMT
Hi Annie
Sounds like you did fab, if you ask me they'd be daft not to choose you if you know you can parent LO
Will keep everything crossed, did they say how long before they would let you know who they are choosing!
Sounds like you spoke as if you pictured LO with you which we were told is always a good thing as it shows you have started attaching emotionally to them!
Good luck please come back and let us know! Xx
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Post by annie70 on Sept 18, 2013 16:35:42 GMT
Thanks Daisy - yes, I am afraid we have already attached emotionally and the waiting is really hard Friday is the day - this weekend we will either be sorting out junk and redecorating the 'spare' room or will be drowning our sorrows Compared to what these children go through it would seem wrong to grieve such a comparatively petty loss but I the soppy one and have no idea how to stop myself from getting emotional when we have imagined them living with us, looked into local schools which would suit them and got excited about trips and activities we never knew existed on our doorstep... It's really hard not telling anyone too - I am fit to burst Will keep you posted and good luck with your journey Ax |
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Post by moo on Sept 19, 2013 11:02:33 GMT
Fingers crossed for you annie.... Hang in it is a terrible wait for news you soooo want to hear..... We are here keep chatting it might  Just help to make the time go a bit quicker 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by annie70 on Sept 19, 2013 15:28:44 GMT
Thanks moo - and everyone... this board has really come at the right time for me and I don't know what I would do without all this lovely support and advice Ax |
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Post by moo on Sept 20, 2013 6:26:46 GMT
 Positive thoughts coming your way Annie..... I hope the news is good & comes in early today ( know how awful the waiting is.... I spent houres sat by the telephone.... ) The call didn't come & then the s/w was on holiday!!!!!!  
But I had an idiot for a s/w & she delighted in not telling me!!! She had heard from the boys s/w but just left me to stew
But my relationship with my pet demon is a totally different story!!!! I will tell all one day.....
We are all sitting on the edge of our seats waiting for your news........ 
{{{{hugs}}}}
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by annie70 on Sept 20, 2013 12:40:19 GMT
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Post by moo on Sept 20, 2013 12:48:10 GMT
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Oh soooooo happy for you both....... That's it to-day is the first day of the rest of your life.........
Whohooo oh you have made my day..... & stop brickin it girl go enjoy & did I say WELL DONE YOU.....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by annie70 on Sept 20, 2013 13:21:11 GMT
Thanks moo and tokoloshe Still feeling quite stunned... very short timescale too so really need to get my head around what more to ask and need to sort out school asap... no chickening out now!!! |
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Post by moo on Sept 20, 2013 13:23:25 GMT
Or cockereling!!!! Enjoy....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by taliesin on Sept 20, 2013 14:26:09 GMT
Annie - this is brilliant news!!! So very pleased for you all....and especially Blue who is going to be so loved and cared for by you!!!
Well done, mam!!!!!
xxxx
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I had similar dilemma - knew lots of things to ask, just wasnt sure what!!
Just help to make the time go a bit quicker 
