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Post by mudlark on Mar 23, 2023 22:33:53 GMT
Well after nearly ten years of doing letterbox, then patiently waiting for two local authorities to sort some kind of phone contact between Lapwing and her birth parents. Lapwing aged 13 took matters into her own hands and ran away to try and get to Birth Dad who lives over 5 hours away. She was missing for two nights and thankfully was caught by the transport police with her two friends who had decided to go with her, she never got to her birth dad but he was aware she was trying to.
So I have now taken matters into my own hands and obtained the phone numbers of both birth mum and dad and called them. It was very surreal. I have set up a private instagram account that Lapwing can now message them on. I can arrange times via text.
This is far from ideal and I have taken a risk. The BP's happen to be very reasonable, at least they are so far, and want to help and support their/my daughter get back on the right path.
Lapwing has been out of control for about two years and now is a car crash in slow motion as she vapes, smokes weed, gives blo jobs for weed and runs away almost every other day. Social services have been USELESS. Maybe the birth parents will provide something that so far no one else has been able to do for Lapwing, e.g. a sence of identity , a sense that she was and is loved. Because at the moment - I sadly do not provide that.
We have waited for a year for life story work which is due to begin in a couple of weeks. I wonder if I should bother. I mean I have now done the deed as it were, spoken to them and set up contact for Lapwing
I am so far out of my comfort zone - I am literally making it up as I go along!
p.s. I forget to say that the best bit of the last few wretched months , where I honestly thought I might explode or just collapse, was today when she was messaging her birth mum and had studiously not mentioned me at all. Suddenly the end said 'Oh my mum will arrange another time' - for a second I glimpsed that I am still her mum and not the hate figure she casts me as!
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Post by moo on Mar 24, 2023 7:04:56 GMT
Sending You Cyber Support & Many Gentle Hugs xxxx
I Have Sent You A P.M.....
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by leo on Mar 25, 2023 22:38:28 GMT
Oh Mudlark, you are amazing. Coping with so much for so long and still then able to put all the so called professional services to shame.
You are there as her Mum underneath all that turmoil and chaos.
Stay strong - but please protect yourself as much as possible.
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Post by flutterby on Mar 26, 2023 3:30:53 GMT
Sorry for the late reply. I am appalled at the dereliction of duty by social services.
There is a glimpse of hope at the end of your post - that you are mum. That despite all the anger projected at you and rejection, seemingly of you, your daughter knows you have been there for her.
I really hope that birth parents have matured in the 10 years since you adopted and that they will work with you to genuinely support your daughter.
The abuse your child is suffering and the trauma you are subjected to at a personal level and as a family watching your child being sexually abused, all on the "watch" of the authorities, who choose to do nothing is unimaginable.
Sadly, I have not got all the answers but know you are not alone. To reach out to the birth parents like you have done must be so scary.
How does Peewit feel in all of this? It must be so difficult to balance your children's very different needs.
I hope you are able to and find time to look after yourself in all of this.
I am so sorry. Gentle hugs. I am always here to listen if this helps or makes things just slightly less unbearable.
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Post by sivier on Mar 27, 2023 9:53:10 GMT
Mudlark, this sounds a massive amount to have to deal with, and it is unspeakably bad that you/Lapwing are not getting support from Social Services. What the hell are they there for, if not to protect a highly vulnerable 13 year old?
I wasn't sure whether your point about the life story work was rhetorical (understandably if so), but did wonder if it might be useful to press ahead with this. I'm assuming it's being facilitated, so could possibly provide a useful way for Lapwing to frame contact and developments with BPs through 'third party' observations? If not, and it's not helping, I guess you could always stop?
I think you are incredible. You always think of things from Lapwing's (and Peewit's) perspective and will go the extra mile to give her what she needs - and to be mum to her, which she experiences and sees. I know there is considerable cost to you in all this, sending hugs and support.
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Post by mudlark on Mar 27, 2023 21:43:33 GMT
Sivier -it was almost a rhetorical question about life Story work, but actually I am still grappling with it.
Peewit does not want to do it, he has said as much quite strongly. Lapwing just sees it as 'yet another adult coming into her life to ask how she is feeling and then tell her how she is feeling' I get that.
I agree it could be useful to have a third party perspective and to help Lapwing frame it. That is what I had hoped for. But things have moved on so fast. We have been let down quite badly by SS and I feel vey nervous about letting yet another person into our lives at such a crucial moment.
We have two new workers from SS, one is a youth worker to work with Lapwing, the other is a family worker to work with myself and Mr M. Both people are very nice and it's always good to 'talk' but I am not sure what help it will be.
When all is said and done, right now Lapwing has told me with out hesitation that she wants to live elsewhere, she wants to be out with the 'boys' vaping, having a laugh watching them shoplift, she seems uncaring about the sexual aspect that lurks beneath the surface. She wants to meet her BP's and am sure we can arrange that, and I imagine in a matter of months she will be asking to stay with one or both of them. Maybe I am fine with that.
I am tired of telling the story of Lapwing over and over again, to SS, numerous police officers and therapists. Part of my havering over Life Story work is that I might be too exhausted to do it.
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Post by moo on Mar 28, 2023 5:21:08 GMT
(((((Mudlark & Mr Mudlark)))))
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Post by sivier on Mar 28, 2023 8:39:56 GMT
Completely get that Mudlark, and this may well not be the right time. Your instinct is no doubt spot on, and it's essential to preserve your own wellbeing and protect yourself (all of you) from more failures by SS. It sounds a very sensitive, unknowable moment in the journey and I can see how adding more into the picture may not be be what you need right now. I hope you can find even some little moments for yourself to help manage your exhaustion ((((((((mudlark family))))))) xx
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Post by mudlark on Mar 28, 2023 23:16:08 GMT
I spoke to the Life story work therapist today and explained everything. He is willing to have a look at how he can work with us taking into account all that has and is changing, he was receptive to changing his approach. So having thought about it, I do think his perspective may be helpful over the coming months.
As I write Lapwing is missing, we know she is with a male, probably somehow sneaked into his home. She tends to befriend boys with chaotic homes. We have alerted the police as usual. We have received texts probably written by the boy telling us to F off and other such comments. She wont be back tonight. She is only 13.
We can not keep her safe, she does not wish us to.
Our biggest problem is lack of sleep, stress, stress stress and trying to parent Peewit.
I wonder if it will ever stop.
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