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Post by fehrscaper on Oct 23, 2013 11:57:33 GMT
I didn't want one, never planned on having one. She costs me loads, and pays me nothing, but I'm sure she's a lodger. She doesn't spend any time with me (apart from meal times). At all other times she's out with her mates, at some form of planned activity, or sat chatting to friends on facebook or by text, or she's in her room playing music. If I'm lucky she'll also do her homework up there...
But we never spend any quality time together any more., Not my choice! So she must be a lodger and not my daughter, right?
I know it's a teen thing. But I don't know of any other teens that never spend any time at all with their parents! (And are grumpy towards them all the time...). All I want is just an hour or two of her time at some point in the week...
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Post by phoebe on Oct 23, 2013 13:14:18 GMT
It's hard isn't it? When they just reject everything about you. It is a teenage thing, but as always, it's more extreme with our teenagers. Stick in there, keep trying. It may come in time. Probably when she's about twenty five! I know how frustrating it is but you need to keep setting her place at the table, asking her if she wants to come with you . . .I know, the answer's always no! It's still important they know you were thinking of them though. x
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Post by mrmlegal on Oct 23, 2013 21:53:04 GMT
Keep calm and carry on. Mine are now 22 and nearly 24 so I've been where you are now. They have both come out the other side and now actually ask to spend time with me and I get it in the neck if I'm the one who has other plans. Most of it is normal teenage behaviour but, as always, it is more exaggerated in our kids.
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 23, 2013 22:01:43 GMT
what about a bit of bribery, Saturday trip to Topshop, slip in a coffee shop
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Post by janpan on Oct 23, 2013 22:43:35 GMT
Our fantastic Family Therapist tells us that it's because they don't know how to do the 'to and fro' - they don't know how to set up the communication especially after they have closed it down. So they just stay closed down. I'm sure you know that but it's useful to know that it IS their trauma that makes it more hectic and it's NOT the same as other kids. My DS is entering this stage now but as we don't yet allow his laptop in his room we've still got a bit of sway.
Is there any point of connection at all? Do you ever laugh together anymore? Could you pick her up from school and surreptitiously go for a coffee when you go shopping or something?
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Post by moo on Oct 24, 2013 5:14:10 GMT
Hey Fehrscaper ..... Sounding tuff..... 
Great 'shopping ideas'... Hope they work...maybe Xtra cash incentive if shops with Mum?? 
Any other bribery buttons??? 
Hugs to to.....
X. moo. Xx
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 24, 2013 7:10:50 GMT
I would say normal teenage stuff - with a few bells on! My friends (with birth children) had the same with their daughter and blamed the computer and TV she was allowed in her room (didn't take them away or stop them doing the same for their sons, though!). But now she is a little older (19) she does spend more time doing things with them. In my daughters' case, before they became ill, they had started to withdraw in this way. I would find a TV programme we all liked (Rizzoli and Isles was one, Revenge was another) and sit and watch it with them. It was a little easier cos they played football and they relied on me to take them to and fro and so they had to talk to me then!! And I always insist that meal times are together. And htey still liked to play board games occassionally.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 7:16:09 GMT
That sounds hard Fehrscaper. Wonder if you could build in one night a week where you both go to McD's for dinner or something that she might want to engage in. A least that way you would get to sit down and chat for a while and if she knows it is every wednesday or whatever, she can build it in around her other activities. Would she be interested in learning to cook? My two are showing interest and now take turns to learn how to cook various meals, or bake a cake or biscuits. I can't do it with both of them at the same time or all hell breaks out, but I started doing it with YDD and now EDD has asked if she can do it albeit on a separate occasion. They seem to really enjoy cooking, calms them down and it is teaching them a life skill for the future. Hugs to you, it's hard when they seem to not want you anymore, but we know all teens are like that, just with our kids it can be more exagerated. xx |
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 24, 2013 7:28:43 GMT
Oh yes JMK!
What we did for a while wa to get the kids to cook on Saturdays. They each cooked a course (wouldn't normally have three courses, but hey why not!) and rotated each week. They had to choose what to cook, check with me how practical it was and make a list of the ingredients. I would shop. then Saturday afternoons would be spent preparing and cooking dinner. They did get bored quite quickly. Saturdays has always been takeaway night to give me a break from cooking one day a week, but as I was helping them, I lost my break, so I didn't mind too much.
But if they want something in particular for their dinner i will often concede if they are prepared to cook it with me. It is a nice way to spend time together. My AS loves to cook and will create dishes from his favourite ingredients. (Currently prawns mushrooms and avocados)
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