|
Post by mrsbear21 on Sept 22, 2022 20:03:48 GMT
Hello all
Sorry for the long post but I want to avoid drip feeding (and get my worries across coherently)!
Ultimately my questions are: how can I best support Paddington’s play therapy sessions; and what can I do post sessions to best help a possibly very sad little 6-year-old?
Paddington has settled with us really well so far, and he’s even taken to full time school without any drama. I’m actually at that point where everything is going so well, I’m just watching for the moment the big problems start. So, I suspect I’m being very overanxious re therapy.
The background to him having play therapy is it was something he started with foster mum, when his sisters moved out to help with that loss. His SW was keen from the get-go that it continue post placement. She secured the funding without us doing more than agreeing it would really good. Since placement we’ve been waiting to be introduced to the therapist, and agree a timetable.
We finally had a first meeting with her mid-August and that was a bit odd. Firstly, she said we should only do what is right for our family and if we felt therapy with her wasn’t right, she’d 100% back us, speak to SS, whatever we needed. We were not to be pushed around by SS. That sentiment is fine; but she was very forceful given we definitely didn’t suggest we were against therapy or had been pushed. Second, she hit us with Paddington was very resistant to the therapy he’d had with her, and she didn’t think he liked her very much. But she was also very certain he needed therapy and needed it now. This confused us because we had been told by SW and foster mum that he liked his therapist. Finally, she explained she wanted to jump into full on DDP ideally every week. That would involve doing work on both of us (as well as him) to identify and work on our triggers/issues, so we could best support Paddington. I can see how all of that fits with Paddington’s needs and background; but we were told by SS full on DDP would come later. SS were expecting play therapy to continue and a gentler timetable.
Anyway, we fed our confusion back to our SW and she had a meeting Tuesday this week (with Paddington’s SW and the therapist) to discuss it all. The outcome of the meeting is play therapy will continue for now and be once a fortnight (and only one of us needs to accompany him). That has helped to a certain extent, but we weren’t invited to attend that meeting so it has also added it’s own issue.
Stupidly (very stupidly probably) I had never realised that with play therapy the parents aren’t in the room. This was stressed to us in the therapist’s latest email. Mr Bear didn’t expect that either, so I don’t think anyone has actually told us explicitly before now. So I’m trying to come to terms with the fact Paddington may find these sessions very difficult (based on what the therapist told us in the first meeting and how certain all the professionals are that he needs the therapy) and perhaps come out very upset; but I’ll have no idea what’s been said. That doesn’t feel right to me.
As I write it down it feels like my concern is just heightened by how muddled the setup has been. But my instinct that this doesn’t feel right is quite strong. My instincts have always been pretty good in the past, and I’m not in the habit of ignoring them. But I’m also a first time mum, still in the very first flush of placement and there has been a lot of other things to wade through before now. My instinct calibration could be more than a bit off!
So what do you guys think? How can I best support him? What can I practically do around the sessions to help him without prying/interfering in the process?
|
|
|
Post by flutterby on Sept 23, 2022 2:52:56 GMT
MrsBear, I was going to ask how it was going your end yesterday but never got round to it, so you beat me to it.
Firstly, I am sure your radar is just fine. Just because you are new to this does not mean you have lost your faculties.
The therapist raising with you her concerns and saying she might be the wrong person is actually very positive. She did not need to do this so she clearly has Paddington's best interest at heart. She has found from her previous interaction with your child that he would benefit from DDP.
Why are SS against it at this point? Why do they not commission a different therapist given the concerns this one has raised about her own work?
This is an older adopted child who seems too adapted from what you describe. The poor thing is so frightened he does not want to set a wrong foot. Could this have been misinterpreted as him "liking" the therapist?
Not including you in the meeting is plain wrong, but sadly not uncommon. And you will continue to be excluded in play therapy.
DDP involves you as the parents and as such might help with and speed up laying foundations of attachment.
My daughter had intensive psychotherapy for 2 years as a very young child. I was not allowed to be present. Did it help? Sadly no. That's not to say that play therapy might not be good for your boy.
But you actively remain detached from the process, are excluded in fact and you are right to question how this would help attachment.
DDP heavily relies on child/parent interaction so you are fully involved and your child can see and feel this too. At this point you are still strangers to him who send him away (!) for therapy on his own - could this actually be more harmful in the sense that you are not there at the moments when difficult feelings arise? Again, he is in his own to deal with it all. And what a good opportunity missed to hug him and say how sad you are all this has happened to him (if he is comfortable with touch, but you get my drift).
This therapist could be a very valuable ally. She does not mince words and seems to have a shrewd head on her shoulders. - I might be wrong, just my opinion from what you've said.
I would push for being involved in meetings, ask the therapist to support you in this too if need be.
How many sessions of therapy have been agreed? Is cost a factor in not offering DDP?
This child is only going to get older and the sooner he can access the right therapy the better.
|
|
|
Post by mrsbear21 on Sept 23, 2022 19:57:11 GMT
Thanks Flutterby. Everything you said is really interesting.
In fairness it was Mr Bear and me who were unsure about DDP. The way the therapist described it was very full on (and at ods with what SS had said the therapy would be at matching). Mr Bear is particularly wary as therapy is really not in his comfort zone. Our SW then seemed to support us in that concern because she said it felt very early in placement to be doing full DDP. So the plan was not changed because of SS or funding. It was atbour request for sometjing gentler this early on.... But all of that was based on our miss assumption that we would be in the room for play therapy. Had I apprecited that difference, I may have weighed it differently.
The good news is we have over a month to think this through before anything starts. Still time to discuss again if needed.
And your comments on the therapist make me feel better. Many thanks
|
|
|
Post by leo on Sept 23, 2022 20:18:52 GMT
Only a moment to respond now and haven't fully read Flutterby's response but, no, I wouldn't be allowing play therapy without you so early in placement.
Theraplay maybe - but not something where he disappears into a room on his own and possibly comes out upset. How does that help your growing bond/trust?
|
|
|
Post by sivier on Sept 26, 2022 8:25:21 GMT
I wonder whether Theraplay might be a gentler option at this point of placement? We did this with our daughter at different points between ages 4-6 (she was placed with us at 18 months), as she was continuing to me very rejecting of me. We did some sessions with just her and I and the therapist, as AD needed help to trust me, and some sessions with DH as well. Gentle things - measuring a smile with a fruit string; cotton wool ball races with a straw; putting a little bit of cream on an 'ouch'; playing keep the balloon up. Then progressing into more proximity - e.g pressing a balloon between us to see whether we could get it to the other side of the room without dropping it, swinging her in a blanket and then cuddling, building cushion towers with me holding her hands while she jumped off. My daughter enjoyed the activities and the Theraplay specialist was able to follow up with me on one to ones to interpret responses (AD's and mine) and give her observations. It helped bring a little more intimacy and fun into my relationship with AD, then we moved on to some DDP once more trust and closeness had been built up - DDP was with the same therapist, which really helped. I do agree it feels early in the placement to go straight into DDP. It might be worth asking your play therapist what she thinks of the Theraplay option?
|
|
|
Post by mudlark on Sept 26, 2022 12:34:29 GMT
Firstly, how wonderful Paddington is settling so well. That must be a great relief to you and your husband.
I can only share my own experience of play therapy. Both my two did play therapy for many years and I found it extremely helpful in both cases and in my daughters case it really provided a great way for us to build her attachment to me at a time where she had little or no trust in any adult.
Our therapist who was trained in theraplay and DDP insisted that I was at every session with my daughter as she believed that it was the only way attachment could be built and I have to say I was in complete agreement. As she so rightly said, in the long term my daughter needed to know I was always there for her, not handing her over to some random therapsit!
My daughter had theraplay for three years before she started on DDP, while that may seem a very, very long time , my daughter did need it, and to be honest even now at the grand old age of 13 I think theraplay would still benefit her now. So my thoughts are to push for theraplay which is gentle and will go at a pace which is good for a little one newly placed and, good for you too.
I always found that after any therapeutic session my daughter needed nurture and reassurance from me, and rest. My son on the other hand needed sensory input, so a deep bath or cuddles in a tight blanket.
I hope they manage to get this right for you all.
|
|
|
Post by mrsbear21 on Sept 26, 2022 13:00:58 GMT
Thanks all. A lot to mull over. So glad scheduling clashes mean we're not starting for a month, and we have time to decide what really is right for us.
The not being in the sessions is the real sticking point for me still.
In fairness we've not had any rejecting behaviours from Paddington yet. He was very open to "Dad" from the first meeting. He had no foster dad so I think he felt less like he was replacing someone by bonding with Mr Bear. It took a little longer with me because he had such a good attachment to foster mum. But the summer has really allowed us to bond. It's most certainly still at a superficial level largly; but I'm taking a positive from the fact he now takes comfort from us when hurt or just sad from missing so many people.
So I feel it's more the grief issues, than attachment to us ones, that need the therapeutic imput at the moment. Although the two will of course be finely blended together.
Through some local adopters I've found an experienced local adoptive mum who also happens to be a play therapist. I'm having coffee with her on Wednesday to help clarify my worries ahead of going back to our therapist & SWs. I'm going to end up being "that mum" on this I think. Since the original plan changed because we weren't keen on it. But better that than getting it wrong.
|
|
|
Post by leo on Sept 26, 2022 20:34:24 GMT
I see others have now also answered - sorry it took so long to come back! Lots of similar answers I think - which I hope gives you confidence to stick with your gut feeling of individual therapy not being right for Paddington right now.
I would agree with Flutterby that actually the therapist sounds as if she has Paddington's best interests at heart. That's not to say the FC didn't - but when she was caring for him, she was looking at short term issues knowing he was moving on. You now have to look longer term - and you are also parenting him after the trauma of the placement move. He will also be beginning to realise that this placement is different, that this is 'home'. A very knowledgeable Social Worker once said to me that being in Foster Care was similar to being on an aircraft in a holding pattern flying round and round waiting to finally land; that children sensed even when very young that it was not permanent situation and that they were emotionally confined in the same way as we are physically confined on a plane. At first, when I read my children's CPR I thought they were already expressing their emotions fairly clearly - but now I understand that it was just a loop pattern on repeat. (Having now 'landed' at home they are freed from that pattern - but it did take time.)
Theraplay for us was our way into DDP (and is still used sometimes now in our DDP sessions). We did have a few other attempts at other types of therapy but they failed dismally as they either weren't the right style for my boys or the therapist was out of their depth ... as an aside, one therapist was adamant I was being too controlling by not letting Tsunami rifle through her own handbag during a session and insisted I let him continue - until he pulled a tampon out of her bag, unwrapped it and started to eat it (while, with his spare hand, managing to nonchalantly throw her car keys up onto a high cupboard).
I would be very hesitant also of recreating the therapy Paddington has had previously - he went off to Play Therapy on his own with a therapist and presumably fairly soon after he suddenly found himself with new parents. If he went back to the same type of sessions, how would you know if he thought that was going to happen again? And it's one thing to know cognitively you are not moving again - but quite another to feel it and trust in it; you need to be in there beside him, showing him you come together, you play together and you go home together.
Perhaps also consider that Social Services will sadly generally be recommending whatever therapy is either the cheapest or 'quickest'. DDP is usually a longer term therapy style and will require continued funding - especially as you will need time to build up into it. If you think this therapist is one who knows her stuff and would be able to handle Paddington's therapy needs long term then I would seriously consider asking for DDP with her (but starting with something more gentle like Theraplay) so you do not end up with short bursts of therapy from a range of providers. It may well be that Paddington gave her messages of not liking her because he senses he cannot pull the wool over her eyes - may be projecting there but definitely the case with one of mine.
It is all so daunting when you are still a new Mum and feel in some way that you should bow down to the greater knowledge of the professionals - but listen to your instincts and be prepared to fight for them; it really does sound as if they are working well!
|
|
|
Post by mrsbear21 on Sept 27, 2022 19:26:16 GMT
Thanks Leo. That is all very good to hear and reassuring.
And as an aside the tampon anecdote is hilarious!
|
|