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Post by mudlark on Jul 30, 2022 23:26:58 GMT
To cut a long story short, Lapwing, Daughter age 13, has over the last 2 years become very difficult to parent. Police involvement, social services. Now just refusing to come home, running off , hanging out with older boys, making life miserable for the rest of us.
I said some hard things to her this evening. She asked what would happen if she just refused to come home, if she just did what she wanted to. I said that ultimately that would mean we, her parents, had lost control and social services would step in and we would have to look at placing her in foster care. She thought this sounded like a good idea.
Well me too.
I hate the way her behaviour is ruining her brothers life. He is 12, and loves us, and could be very happy.
I have given 100% of myself to her over 9 years and it hasn't 'worked'
Does anyone have any experience of getting social services to place your child in foster care, even if its respite foster care?
I feel this cant go on. How can the behaviour of one person be allowed to ruin the lives of three others.
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Post by flutterby on Jul 31, 2022 6:41:20 GMT
I've been thinking for a while that in your circs this may be the best option for the time being.
SS won't just place her because you say so. However, if your daughter says to them she wants to be placed, this would carry much more weight.
You need to contact general children's social care, not adoption support (they won't help but might string you along), say you can no longer parent her safely, there is a massive safeguarding risk and list all her behaviours.
Make it clear that you will hold SS responsible for any harm that may and will come to your daughter if they fail to place her now.
They will still squirm and try to get out of it. But even if it is impossible to get through to your daughter any other time, she might respond to being given the option to leave. She could even - to back you up - call them as well and say she wants to go into foster care.
Just to cover yourselves though, try and get some evidence from other professionals (school, CAMHS whatever) to say that you have never been deemed as a risk to your children and to say how much your son thrives with you in comparison.
Start the process today calling their emergency phone number, keep calling them each time there is an incident and follow up with an email to detail it all again.
Good luck (((Mudlark))) xxx
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Post by moo on Jul 31, 2022 8:33:53 GMT
Sending support & hugs your way mudlark.... you really have given your all xxx
Agree with flutterby 100%.... only thing to add if you are settled that this really is best for her & you all, ss need the bitter pill that this is to protect Lapwing but much much more important she is putting Peewit at risk, he needs the distance & protection his safety must be paramount or he is being failed š ....
Sending you support & calming vibes.... you are an amazing mum & given 100%... I thiink Lapwing just wanted to split this sadly xxxxxxxxx
Hugs xxxx
Xx moo š®
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Post by leo on Jul 31, 2022 8:43:49 GMT
I am so sorry Mudlark. I have no advice to offer sadly but wanted you to know I am here wishing it had not come to this and offering you support.
The only thing I know is that if school or police ask social services for a placementthen itcarries more weight than parents doing so.
Would there be any chance of a therapeutic school or residential school placement?
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Post by mudlark on Jul 31, 2022 9:26:03 GMT
Thanks Flutterby, that is useful advice that I didn't know. She is not under CAHMS as deemed not high enough priority and in the end, I just took her off the waiting list. School are aware but she spins such a good line to the adults at school that they think she may be more responsible than I give her credit for, how they can think this after the last two years beggars belief.
What I am nervous about is how triggering the process by calling the emergency number or letting the social worker know of how low things are and thoughts of foster care is how it might impact on Peewit, aged 12, he is terrified of being 'taken away' and I couldn't bear it to make things even worse for him.
Might they want to talk to him, even a whiff of his own security is at risk would I think have a hugely detrimental effect on him.
Thank you all for your advice and support, I need it! at a very low ebb.
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Post by flutterby on Jul 31, 2022 10:31:00 GMT
I can imagine that Peewit would be scared. I was thinking about whether to use the protect Peewit line as well when giving reasons why foster care would be the better option for Lapwing. I would tread very carefully when taking this line in case SS then suddenly think they had better remove Peewit to get him out of the firing line and then leave you with Lapwing. I don't mean to be scaremongering, but these things have happened before.
By the sounds of it you are probably best off trying to get police on board. You have had plenty of involvement, keep calling them each time she runs away and if they are anything like our force they will be very sympathetic and put pressure on SS in the right places too.
Poor Peewit and all of you. Nobody wants to come to the conclusion that foster care is best, but at least this way they would finally have to put robust support in place for L.
From what you have told us about P over the years I am sure he would thrive as an only child. I would make it clear to him that L is actually asking for foster care. And explain how she is being failed by the system because she lives at home.
Of course he will need a lot of support during the transition period. But you have done such an amazing job you will get there. xx
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Post by damson on Aug 1, 2022 8:06:29 GMT
I'm so sorry it has come to this.
Our AD returned to care age 15.
I hope SS find a placement for Lapwing, and you can carry on parenting Peewit.
She is a massive safeguarding risk, and whether she is in care or with you, the older boys will remain magnetic.
Someone grooming her will say all the things she wants to hear.
SS will be reluctant enough to accommodate one child, so I think Peewit will be safe at home with you.
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Post by mudlark on Aug 1, 2022 22:08:42 GMT
Damson, I am very sorry to hear about your AD.
You are right our AD is a safeguarding risk. At the moment it feels like I am trying to hold on to some kind of control but like sand it slips through my fingers.
I hope you, your AD, are fairing a little better for her being placed in foster care.
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Post by sivier on Aug 14, 2022 19:06:15 GMT
I'm really sorry mudlark - this is so incredibly tough. Wise words from everyone here. I don't have anything useful to add but wanted to send love and support.
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Post by mudlark on Aug 16, 2022 22:43:18 GMT
A quick update - things are up and down. Sticking plaster parenting is what I call it - but it's not the solution.
Lapwing remains here , she is tired, all that adrenalin and cortisol has left her burnt out.
She is such a fighter but even she has had to concede that sleep is essential this week.
Peewit has been away with a friend and his parents for a few days camping.
Next week we all go to Cornwall for a week.
I am seeing our psychologist tomorrow so hope she will be wise and give me some guidance.
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Post by leo on Aug 18, 2022 17:15:55 GMT
Sticking plaster parenting is exhausting so I hope the trip to Cornwall is a chance for you all to relax and breathe.
I have been thinking about you lots - whilst the stress of school is not good it is at least a structure and a time apart.
Take care.
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Post by daffin on Sept 12, 2022 4:47:17 GMT
Hello. I havenāt been on the boards for years, so it is an interesting coincidence that this was the time I popped on.
First of all, Iād like to say that I know from the past what a loving and thoughtful mum you are. Second, that some children are so damaged by the time they are placed with us that they just canāt do family. It comes out in different ways but having ātheir attachment systemsā triggered actually makes them feel so dysregulated that they do all they can to break those close relationships.
My son went into a therapeutic placement nearly 4 years ago, at just under 9. He had become to dangerous to have at home and was traumatising his sister. His placement broke down just over a year ago and he is now in a childrenās home with a 1-2-1 ratio and has just started back at school after a break of a year.
Itās heartbreaking but weāve stuck in there. My relationship with him is now good - after some real lows and having had to work at it consciously and carefully for a long time with very little coming back.
We still have Section 20 rights and so are consulted every step of the way. And one of us visits every weekend.
So, it can be done.
Your situation is different. But I know another adopter whose daughter went back into foster care at a similar age for the same reason. You need to document everything. If you present it to social services as a safeguarding issue and a child at risk of sexual exploration they have to act. Eventually. I took us 9 months of constant phone calls and emails to get our son accommodated. But we got there in the end - holding out for a therapeutic placement. I found taking a line and holding it consistently was important.
Our sonās departure has affected our daughter and she is now accessing therapy, funded by the ASF. She blames us. And knows that things couldnāt carry on as they were.
Itās a new kind of tough but I think long term everyone will be better off. Our son has calmed down massively outside a family setting. And the rest of us get to live a relatively normal life.
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