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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 13, 2022 20:14:45 GMT
So yesterday was the in person meeting with the FC, which went well. She was very straight forward, open and nice. Told us lots of lovely things about LO, and lots of challenging things. But no surprises, and dealt with all the questions we asked. Also dealt with all the Qs our SW put to her.
Our SW said she feels very positive about the match. And today she was onto LO's SW first thing chasing down feedback for us.
Anyway, linking meeting isn't until 25th, but LO's SW confirmed she'll now be recommending the link!
I know lots of challenges and hard work are coming; but today I'm quite excited. 😊
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Post by leo on Apr 13, 2022 20:47:39 GMT
That's lovely news.
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Post by moo on Apr 14, 2022 8:07:45 GMT
Great News Mrs B.....
Be sure this is right for you both & that sw spanner in works, almost removing the possibility of a link/match, hasn't clouded your own thoughts about the rightness of it all....
Taking things back has a way of making one want it more because one believes it has been cruelly withdrawn & panic sets in forcing one to fight to claw it all back... I would hate this to be so & force you both to not get your own q's answered to your satisfaction thus causing an allusion that all red flags have been fully addressed to your satisfaction......
So happy for you both this is a truly magical time xxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 14, 2022 17:39:53 GMT
Thanks both.
And yes, very good point Moo. We do have lots of Qs still. Will make sure not to loose sight of them.
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Post by serrakunda on Apr 20, 2022 11:45:02 GMT
looking good ! Its hard not to get excited but you have always struck me as being very level headed about this whole process I have a good feeling about this one  |
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 20, 2022 19:27:12 GMT
Thanks 😁
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 26, 2022 20:37:39 GMT
So we're now officially linked, with matching panel pencilled in for 26th May.
But Mr Bear and I are agreed we'll ask to postpone if we don't feel we have everything we need for then. So far LO's SW are being proactive in setting up meetings, so we'll see.
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Post by leo on Apr 26, 2022 21:56:33 GMT
That sounds like a sensible timeframe; have they got as far as provisional dates for intros yet?
A month to push for paperwork and to have meetings is doable if they stay on the ball.
Exciting times!
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 27, 2022 20:10:32 GMT
We had an invite for an intros planning meeting for two weeks after panel. That fits with what they told us about how long their decision maker takes to confirm the panel's recommendation. They've also sent through an invite for the meeting with the doctor. So it does feel like they're on it. Just trying to stay grounded to make sure I take it all in properly.
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Post by flutterby on Apr 28, 2022 5:43:39 GMT
Congrats, MrsBear. :-) Make sure you get as much support written into the paperwork now. I know they say before adoption goes through, but once your little one arrives all sorts of feelings may surface, like - what if they remove him again, if I ask for too much. You already know you are planning on taking on a child with a complex history. So think about what therapies might really help, what screening has not been done that should be done etc. Very unlikely that it is "just" attachment. How are they going to ensure you as parents are supported so you can do your job adequately? If you have not, sign up to the NATP and www.traumarevolution.co.uk where you can find a plethora of courses devised by NATP. Or better still, let SS fund this. It is not much, but would give you an indication where their priorities lie depending on their answer. |
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 28, 2022 19:41:46 GMT
Thanks Flutterby. I'm already signed up with NAPT but hadn't found the Trauma Revolution website yet.
I've definitely been mulling what provision and support we'll need. We have a meeting with our SW next week. I'm making a list of things to speak to her about and will add this to them.
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Post by leo on Apr 29, 2022 10:42:50 GMT
Forgive me if I have said this before...
Something I would recommend thinking about is waiting a full year before applying for the adoption order.
A very wise friend (and ex adoption social worker) gave me this advice and told me to mention it liberally pre placement so no-one could accuse me later of not wanting to adopt/delaying because I was unsure.
Her thinking was that until you as a family have experienced the first of everything (birthdays for all of you, Christmas, school holidays etc) that you couldn't be truly clear what support was needed.
My own social worker was very supportive of this and thought it sensible. I did have one social worker try to tell me that not applying for the adoption order was affecting the boys sense of permanence and security in their placement with me. I didn't buy that for a minute as my children didn't have a clue about adoption orders until 3 days before we finally went and I made it clear with both words and actions that they were stuck with me!
I definitely had a clearer picture of what support we needed and was able to negotiate for it (and achieve it). We had by then tried various things already and that was also a benefit to waiting a year. Something that had seemed a great option pre placement quickly turned out to something that wouldn't even scratch the surface due to the depth of trauma.
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 29, 2022 19:12:01 GMT
Very useful tjought Leo. Interestingly LO FF said to us "we want you to know we're not an LA that likes for adopters to apply for the order straight after the 10 weeks. We don't believe that's long enough and we want you to know that now." So when we raise your point, I'm hoping we'd be pushing at a door that's ever so slightly ajar. I very much doubt they'll be thinking as long as a year, but if we're clear and reasoned I think they'll listen. Will run it up the flag pole with our SW when we have our catch up meeting next week! Many thanks
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Post by sivier on May 2, 2022 8:10:32 GMT
I agree with Leo about not being too specific about a timeframe - you can agree that it's good that they think waiting more than 10 weeks is a good idea but I don't think you need to mention waiting a year or whatever from your perspective. But you can drive the timing when LO is with you.
Our court adoption day happened well over a year after our daughter was placed, partly due to changes in post-placement staff which slowed things up, but also we didn't particularly push it for the first few months (in too much of a whirlwind!). AD was completely unaware of this stage of the process until a day or so before we went - we just made sure it would include going for hot chocolate and cake and she was sold.
Good luck with it all.
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Post by moo on May 9, 2022 9:07:15 GMT
Hey Mrs B horrified to find my post has 'gone'.... luckily what I posted has also been covered by others too....
Be Sure To Get All Your Q's Answered Be Brutal & A Dog With A Bone You Need To Be Sure For Your Future... Do Not Feel Pushed By Ss Agenda...
Sending All Good Wishes xxxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 10, 2022 21:02:23 GMT
Thanks Moo
Panel paperwork in. They're funding Theraplay but crucially we're waiting for them to confirm number of sessions..... Our SW is pushing though. They have agreed to pay for a year's membership for NATP.
Our SW is pushing for the other meetings we want. So far so good; butba way to go (and 26th suddenly seems very close)! 🙄😊 and 🤔..... (And feelings a bit all over the place)
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Post by moo on May 11, 2022 10:10:06 GMT
WoW...
Worryingly They Will Push Hard & Hurry You Along To Reach Their Targets... That's Why It Is Crucial You Research Like Crazy & Be Sure You Really Do Have All Facts & Issues Declared Re Your L/o....
My LA Paid A Years Membership To AUK Great For Support Line & Legal Advice Line To AUK Members....
Don't Forget To Buy In Bulk Cleaning Products & Stack Freezer To Capacity... It Really Pays Dividends For Settling In To New Routines & Shopping Dilemmas??!!
Wishing You Lorry Loads Of Luck...Such A Wonderful Time xxxxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 16, 2022 19:40:17 GMT
Humph. So now LO's SWs are sayimg the two meetings we've been asked for since March (with his school and with his sisters's adopters) will have to happen after matching.
We've said no. They happen before or panel moves back.
Not what we would like at all! But we wouldn't be able to be honest at panel.
Waiting on tender hooks sucks. (I know I'm preaching to the choir and it could be a lot lot worse. Just venting.)
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Post by flutterby on May 17, 2022 4:35:02 GMT
Really sorry, MrsBear, SS can make your life so stressful. Good for you for holding your boundaries, but it must feel so precarious.
And to want to let you go to panel without having having had these rather important meetings is just plain wrong.
What on earth are they thinking? These meetings are not tick box exercises for you. Looks like they view them as such though, which is not great.
Let's hope this will be resolved in a speedy fashion now they know they can't push you over.
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Post by moo on May 17, 2022 8:29:00 GMT
Ohh No Mrs B This Is Dredful.....
Please Be So Careful...
This imho Is A Real Ss Tactic....
Sounds Dramatic But It Is Something I Have Encountered Before... Why Would Any Adopter Ever Consider Proceeding Without This Vital Info.... Beggars Belief Tbh... Please Do Not Be Fooled By Pleatitudes Of.. 'You Have The Facts Nothing Is Missing' In My Experience This Is Code For 'Of Course There Are Gaps Missed Of Info Updates etc'.... Sorry Mrs B Please Do As You Are & Refuse To Attend Panel Without Every Avenue Persued Every Expert Consulted ....
I Am Sorry If I Am Doom & Gloom But I Have Seen This Before... ( With Not Always A Good Outcome)... The Delay Tactic After Meetings Was The Forerunner For This Second Bonkers Ss Bamboozling Adopters Campaign..... Be Cautious xxxx I Feel Something Is Being Witheld From You Re Bahaviours etc....
Stick To Your Guns & Gut.......
(Feel Free To To Ignor This Prophet Of Doom) 😟
Xxx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 17, 2022 22:03:51 GMT
I am in no doubt we have to postpone if we don't get these meetings.
It's just so xxxxxx-xx! You get the jist.
But our SW is completely behind us and I just have to put it out of my mind until they come to their senses or we walk away. Which we've discussed and would do if pushed.
Easier said to forget though because my mat leave cover has started at work already.....
My cover starting was never intended to be timed with anything. It's just my role is quite specific and has to be covered. And work are being so supportive (and understanding when I say I have no definite dates for the 13th billion time). But it amplifies that sense of "I'm not quite where I should be" which is nonsense but hard to ignore.
Well we soldier on! Will keep you updated.....
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Post by moo on May 18, 2022 7:34:36 GMT
Your Sadness Resonates From The Page Sending You Many Many Hugs xxx
So So Sorry That Ss Are Still Up To Their mind Games....
Hang In xxx Post We Are All Here Offering Support xxxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 18, 2022 20:12:26 GMT
😊 Much appreciated
In a better place today. Not that much has changed. They're scrabbling to fix it. No idea if it will be in time. But I've processed more and remain convinced ensuring we get these meetings is the only right decision.
Mr Bear is emotionally a bit further behind than me so its really hitting him now. So we're concentrating on being there for each other...... and waiting....... Hey ho
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Post by leo on May 19, 2022 19:44:05 GMT
You are doing the right thing to wait. Setting your boundaries now will serve two purposes - it will show the other LA that they can't walk over you and it will also show you are strong, resilient and already advocating for this child's needs (he needs you to know as much as you possibly can about him and for him to enable a smooth transition and therapeutic parenting from the outset).
On another level it sadly raises concerns for me over why they are rushing and are trying to prevent you meeting these people. Be ready with searching questions and do what you can to join the dots of the snippets of information you hear.
Good luck. Stay strong.
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 19, 2022 20:29:43 GMT
Meeting the school in person, class teacher and Senco, Monday morning. Meeting with the sisters' parents Tuesday lunchtime. Panel on Thursday......
Detailed questions will be compiled carefully over the weekend. And we're going to get a meeting in with our SW. So if we need to postpone beacuse of what we've heard, we've already got her attention to explain.
This all happened over the course of the day. To say my head is spinning is another matter.
Apparently LO's FF's manager felt us meeting the sister's parents was "preempting panel's decision" so they actually got panel to confirm it was ok...
For what it is worth our SW keeps saying she really thinks this is incompetence not disguise. But I will be asking her that specific question again after next week's meetings.
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Post by leo on May 20, 2022 6:37:09 GMT
Well done for holding out. What a whirlwind! Hope all goes well.
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Post by moo on May 20, 2022 10:39:42 GMT
WoW What A Rushed Turnaround...
If Your Sw Thinks It Incompetence Is There Anything Else She Thinks May Have Been Missed, Brushed Aside??
Sisters Parents Who?? If An Already Adopted Sibling Why Should They Have Important Behaviour/ Medical Info Re Your L/o.... Sounds Confusing Why The Rush??
You Are Handling This Brilliantly Mrs B... You Are Focused & Asking All The Right Q's... So Good To Hear Your Great Relationship & Supporting S/W....
Congratulations & Keep On Hanging In xxxxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by serrakunda on May 20, 2022 16:09:24 GMT
just catching up on this
next week will be busy !!
keep us posted
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 20, 2022 18:15:10 GMT
Thanks guys. Only just really sinking in how big a week next week will be. Glad we have the weekend to process and get our questions lined up.
Meeting the sister's parents is really just about finding out about them. We're being asked to commit to doing lots to support the existing sibling relationships. That means the parents are going to have to get along/work together. The reasons for the split are not based on the siblings having a bad impact on each other, and it does seem to be a really important part of all their identities. We're very open to expanding our family and having close contact with them. But we'd quite like to meet these parents first, make sure we're not setting ourselves up too much.
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Post by flutterby on May 21, 2022 4:39:28 GMT
Good to hear that you have managed to get the meetings you wanted.
I am a bit confused re your comment as to why the children were split up. I have never heard of cases where the children's impact on each other was not the cause for the split, even if indirectly. - It leaves me wondering if the children are regarded as too much to manage together. If that is the case and SS try and attribute this to the other child's needs, I can guarantee that this would have left a huge mark on your prospective child. And he may only fully show this when in a permanent placement. - He might be showing it now. Ask to see foster carers notes too. You would not be able to take them away and they are lengthy, but they might give you an insight into what really went on in care.
Our foster carer sneakily gave them to us on placement day (they were supposed to be buried in SS vast archive). We still have them and I wish I had read them before adoption day. I never even looked at them for a long time as I was too busy trying to manage my severely traumatised child.
Sorry to be doom and gloom again, my daughter was split up from her half sibling too and the things SS swept under carpet are staggering.
Is the other child older or younger? Why have they been placed before your boy? Especially, as may be the case, if SS are trying to convince you the other child is the one with the more complex issues? Generally the "easier" child gets placed first. Again questions to ask.
Good luck xx
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