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Post by mrsbear21 on Nov 11, 2021 20:05:42 GMT
Hello All
So by way of an update Mr Bear and I have essentially completed stage 2. We should get to see our SW's report in about 2 weeks or so, and will be at panel on 8th December.....
My inlaws have their family and friends training on 20th November. Goodness knows what will follow from that. I'd love some positivity for Mr Bear's sake but it's out of my control, so I'm trying to practice not worrying about it.
We have our moving onto placememet on 23rd November. So the business of matching and what comes after is really starting to loom large. We've really thrown ourselves into reading and webinars and training and babysitting and more reading. But theory and reality are so very different......
So what one reality do you think we should be aware of (assuming matching goes to plan of course!)?
Many thanks in advance
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Post by serrakunda on Nov 11, 2021 21:09:57 GMT
Well done on getting this far
I am sensing a lot of worry in your post - have your in laws not been supportive of your plans?
I think the one reality is - the early days are tough, in ways you can’t imagine, and we all struggle with different things.
Your lives and theirs will be turned upside down, but you get through it.
If your in laws, or anyone else for that matter, are not supportive, you do need to grow a tough skin, stand up for how you want and need to do things as a parent, not how anyone elsw thinks you should do it.
Your posts have always given me the impression that you are thinking about things, about what the problems might be, how you might work through them, for what its worth, I think you are the ones who will cope and work it all out, not the ones who think they will be tripping off into the sunset with their little prince.
It will be hard, you know that, but you have what it takes
Best of luck with panel
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Post by moo on Nov 11, 2021 23:19:25 GMT
Yes well done for getting this far time seems to have flown...
I didn't know you had been linked wow well done very speedy... But I guess from your view it has not been!!!
You do sound tentative that is a good thing but try not to overthink.... I so hope your family are supportive as serrakunda says early placement is very challenging in many unexplained & unexpected ways... but of course a complete joy too 🤪 I spent years still pinching myself each morning I couldn't believe my luck....
Lovely update Thanx....do fire as many Q's our way as you need, it will be a pleasure thinking back to those years so long ago now but still fixed & wonderful in my memory....
Biggest tip do have a plan, places to visit if stir crazy sets in (depending on ages of your l/o's) always have a fall back easy option & pack your handbag with packets & packets of wet wipes... they are for you ! Never underestimate the power of proud mummee syndrome...I spent a lot of time filling up with pride 💜
Sending You Much Luck xxx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on Nov 12, 2021 19:44:04 GMT
Thanks Both!
Sorry didn't mean to make my post sound so serious. I do have mis-givings re the in-laws; but probably just because I haven't spoken to them re adoption for so long. Mr Bear has, but often in the car on his way to work so I'm not there. But it's true that it's good to practice growing a thick skin now!
Also we've not been linked just yet!! (I'm going to have to get better at posting lol :-)
"Moving onto Placement" is the name of a course our agency puts you on around panel.
I think the long and the short of it is matching seems like such a responsibility. So I am worrying over it. And my go to for stopping the worry is to plan ahead, hence my original query.
Thank you for the tips! I find focusing on the practical super helpful so these are really appreciated. I promise I'll let you know how panel goes.
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Post by flutterby on Nov 13, 2021 4:01:06 GMT
I don't think there is one thing that stands out. But if you want to plan ahead I would say the following is helpful:
Practicalities:
Can you cook a week's worth of dinners over time and put it in the freezer or get well-meaning people to drop them off on your doorstep. (The kind of people who will go with the flow and accept you may want to funnel and not have any time to show off your kids or speak to them)
Expect brain fog and exhaustion you never thought possible. Build in a few mins here and there throughout the day to help you keep an even keel.
If you have a young child who still naps during the day, use this time to completely unwind. Housework not allowed. ;-)
Egg timers for autistic children were a life saver. You get a break, they can watch the sand.
Have a strong routine
Be kind to yourself
Your child will be severely traumatised. What is your dream come true will be their worst nightmare. They will have lost everything and everyone.
You may not love the stranger in your house and that's ok too. As long as you are committed to them that is more then they would have had.
Real attachment takes years to develop, but a bond can be formed very quickly. There is a difference.
If you have not got it yet, buy the A to Z of Therapeutic Parenting.
Do what works and if something does not, try something different. Just because something worked for someone else's child doesn't mean it will be good for yours.
Nod, smile and do what you think is right.
Have a few stock answers ready for nosy people. It's amazing how entitled people feel to know their backstory and speak about your kids in front of them as if they were not there.
Good luck and make sure you are ok. A happy mummy is essential to any family.
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Post by mrsbear21 on Nov 14, 2021 15:45:52 GMT
Thanks Flutterby
Really like the egg timer tip. We have already been dipping in and out of the A to Z book.
Oddly enough I'm not too worried about me needing to have an instant connection. It's obviously a very strained and strange set of circumstances, especially for the child. As you say they're living a very scary reality. So I really don't want to have set expectations for how I'll feel. My main hope/focus for those early months/years is to establish a bit of a routine, and to have the child feel safe as much as is possible.
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Post by chotimonkey on Nov 18, 2021 18:43:36 GMT
Hi…
Kids are so very very different… we have four and they are v different people with different needs and ways of expressing themselves… abd came v v v little.
For us
Really letting go of the idea of a birth child and being ready to embrace whoever came was really important
Being aware of my own needs/ triggers etc I was doing a therapy ma, and was in weekly therapy plus one weekend a month which really helped me get into a place where I was ready to meet our kids exactly where they were
We spent a lot of time before the kids came home making the most of being just us… and I can’t tell you how glad I am we did that… two weeks before placement we went to New York for a long weekend and im so glad we did that instead of cleaning etc
Making sure lines of communication are open between you and your support network… be nervous/ panicked excited etc and keep on telling them how you are feeling
Plan time for how you will make time for you abd your partner both separately and togethor after placement
And the other thing… especially with my first… think about how you’ll fill your day… my lovely lo was a great sleeper, slept 730-730 every night almost without fail… but 12 solid hours of parenting when you’re not used to it os a long time to fill…
Source local parks/ walks/ farms/ soft play/ swimming pools/ groups etc and ask friends witv kids what they do to fill their days…
There’ll be things nearby you’ve never noticed or thought of… we have an aquatic shop near us with loads of tropical fish and koi you can feed
Stock up on age appropriate fiddley toys
Clear at least twice the toy storage space you think you’ll need
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Post by chotimonkey on Nov 18, 2021 18:48:12 GMT
And I know it’s not necessarily this way for everyone… but I hated approval it was a bumpy ride for me… but I really loved matching anf beyond… yes my kids are affected by their early life experiences and we have stuff that we’ve had to work
Out as we’ve gone on… but they are such great kids … and I loved meeting them, getting to know them, having them
Learn to love me… they are my absolute favourite people in the world… hubby accepts he’s gone from being my number one to my number 5 with good grace 😂😂
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Post by chotimonkey on Nov 18, 2021 18:50:09 GMT
And always always always carry snacks 😂😂
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Post by mrsbear21 on Nov 20, 2021 16:20:35 GMT
Wow. Thanks that's all super helpful. And some of it along the lines of what we were already thinking.
We're spending lots of time with our child free friends just at the moment. We suspect those relationships will drift post placement so making the most of them now and making peace with whatever change comes next.
We've got general plans of how to have alone time separately. Less so for as a couple. But we were long distance for the first six years of our relationship, so I feel we know how to make challenging work & embrace flexibility.
And all the babysitting we've been doing has helped loads with finding local places to go. And always having snacks and changing of clothes (including for us because I've discovered comforting a little one can result in a wet lap!)
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Post by mrsbear21 on Dec 9, 2021 21:30:20 GMT
Just wanted to drop by to say we were approved to adopt yesterday. 😊
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Post by serrakunda on Dec 9, 2021 21:35:39 GMT
congratulations!
hopefully this time next year you will be wrapping presents for a little one
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Post by leo on Dec 9, 2021 22:28:08 GMT
What lovely news, congratulations!
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Post by moo on Dec 10, 2021 10:20:40 GMT
Yayyyyy wonderful news xxx
Good Luck looking for your l/o ( l/o's) I hope the search isn't too long or stressful xx
Keep posting updates xx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on Dec 11, 2021 12:28:53 GMT
Thanks all!!! Very happy
Have been knuckling down and getting our profile ready on Linkmaker. We've always said we're not going to seriously tackle family finding until after Christmas; but I want the online paeprwork done or it'll bug me.
How is everyone else?
I know it can be a funny time of year anyway, and that's before you throw in Covid.
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Post by moo on Dec 11, 2021 16:35:02 GMT
Snuggling down boys broken up for Christmas 🎄 Hols ....
baa amazingly only got a term & a half left.... astonishing 🤪 😜 GCSE year.... hoping Omicon does not hit in new year or he too will become another casualty of covid exam system 😕..... He is loving being a year 11 with Senior Prefect responsibilities... it has brought out the very best in him xxx
skweek too loving being home for home cooked food, school meals not the greatest sadly.... great that he is wanting to eat better at last!
Hoping All Keeping Safe & Well This Yuletide...
Hope For All Christmas' Are Stess & Anguish free (ish) xx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by scaredycats on Dec 11, 2021 16:39:38 GMT
All the best Mrs Bear!
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Post by gilreth on Dec 12, 2021 17:14:17 GMT
Brilliant news - congrtaulations
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