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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 9, 2021 19:37:44 GMT
So as per my post on the intro thread, Mr Bear & I are right at the beginning.
One thing that came up in our initial interview is our support network potentially being a bit thin; mostly because our parents and immediate family live in other parts of the country.
So my question is what does a real support network look like? My guess is that it doesn't always work out as initially planned/expected.
All tales of experience much appreciated!
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Post by leo on Apr 9, 2021 22:14:00 GMT
Well, mine doesn't look anything like it did on my paperwork for panel.
I think there are different levels and types of support network, not just for once you have actually adopted. I had lots of support from people during my journey to adoption; they are not necessarily the people who are my greatest support now - but they were very important at the time. I remember drawing my support network as a series of circles with me/my children in the smallest centre one, then moving outwards from friends and some family to wider circles including school parents, work colleagues, Adoption UK message boards and support groups. The reality has been very different.
Social workers however tend to mean support after adoption. Your family living at a distance does not mean they can't be supportive - my sister lives over 300 miles away but I count her as one of my most important supporters. She's the one I phone when I am struggling emotionally and need comfort or a pep talk.
My support needs and my support network have changed hugely over time. At the start, the most useful support I had was:
- my Dad came over each week to mow my lawn. Seems a daft one but I had two boys who couldn't be left and who couldn't be safe around machinery if I wasn't focused on them. It was only a fifteen minute job but it was fantastic. I didn't have the energy anyway and Dad coming each week showed my boys that we had people who would help us, who we could rely on. He usually came round when he knew we were out - so he got nothing from it himself other than knowing it was a huge help to me (and his new Grandsons).
- a friend came round one evening a week after I put my children to bed and either cooked for me or brought a takeaway. She did this for an entire year. Sometimes I fell asleep while she was there, sometimes we chatted, others I cried - but she was there for me in a consistent and caring way.
- my Social worker; she was a very good listener and she believed in us as a family through some very difficult times. She also fought alongside me for the therapeutic support we needed.
- my next door neighbour (whose name I didn't even know at the time) offered to put my bins out for me each week (and put them away again). Such a simple thing really - but in the times when I didn't even know which way was up, not having to remember when to put which bin out was a great help. - my Dad was my 'on call' repair man, rarely more than hour passed before he arrived at my door with toolkit in hand after a panicked phone call about the tap coming off in Tsunami's hand or the handle having been pulled off the kitchen door by Hurricane. Saved me no end of time looking up repair people and meant no strangers coming into the house.
- one morning each weekend we went to a friend's house (with a large garden) and my boys played outside for hours while I was plied with tea and TLC. The sense of there being shared care, although I was the one to respond to every need, was a relief - and we even had a meal I didn't need to prepare or wash up from.
- an adoption message board/chat room (wish there was still one of these); I met some very wise and experienced adopters who listened and didn't judge, who supported but didn't pretend to know the answers and who shared their stories to help me find our own way through. In the early days, these 'unknown' people were my best emotional support as they understood in a way others couldn't at the time.
We are now over ten years in and our support needs have changed - but you can't be expected to predict that so stick with thinking about the early days. Perhaps it might help to think about support in terms of emotional, practical, therapeutic/professional and parenting - probably my four main categories but I'm sure others have different ones. Think about the types of support you may need - someone to go and buy milk for you when you run out, someone who would come in the middle of the night when both your children have just been sick all over their bedding (and don't put them in your own bed so they can be sick all over yours too - I learned that the hard way!)
Who would you phone when you are full of despair - and would that be the same person if you needed a pep talk as if you needed a good old cry down the phone line? A friend is good for the first but wouldn't cope with me crying; my sister is great for the second.
When you need an answer to, 'Is this normal?', who would you call? I have a friend who has her own young children, has worked in schools and who knows my children well. She has a very good handle on what's within normal range and what needs looking at - and is not afraid to be honest with me.
Who would you turn to when your car breaks down and you need to get to that appointment with the school? Or when your washing machine breaks down just as you have stripped off all the sheets?
Who would you trust to care for your children if you are unwell - your thoughts on this will inevitably change over time, but, right now, who would you choose? (You will most likely be asked during home study to nominate someone to look after your children in the event of your own untimely death, this caught me by surprise and left me struggling to justify my reasoning.)
Who would you turn to if your children's behaviour, or 'simply' being a parent, brings up triggers in you or begins to overwhelm you? It would be sensible to explore avenues of support for both you as an adult and for your prospective children before you are likely to need them - once you are in the situation, your reasoning and the time available to you disappears!
Something that worked well with some people in my support group was attending training and courses related to adoption topics before my children were placed. Those people who committed to that have been the ones who have been most understanding and supportive - maybe a thought for your in-laws?
I hope some of the above is useful. Leo
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Post by moo on Apr 10, 2021 7:40:59 GMT
WoW leo amazing info & insight fantastic.... Brilliant...
Cannot add anything you have all angles well covered.... deffo agree with all, like you as a single adopter we seem to need the extra thought re more practical if car/ washing machine breaks down etc...
I too had many 'phone contacts offering to help keep me sane when things got overwhelming....
There is no way to truly prepare for 2 demanding & jealous due to trauma attention seeking children... they do need to feel they each have, more than each other, attention from me.... They are both at the run, like twins but with many more needs & mobility!!! It is wonderful but exhausting, thinking about it in this way really does help, as it automatically gives you a strategy to immediately implement when the wheels wobble or fall off?!!
Print out leo's reply.... I defy any to offer you better support & insight to what ss crave to prepare you for adopted child/ren parenthood....
Good Luck xx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 10, 2021 13:24:24 GMT
Gosh. Thank you Leo and Moo. That is so helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time.
The breakdown into categories is particularly helpful. There are some which are immediately obvious and others that need some thought. But Leo's point about taking the time now is spot on. I want to try and be as prepared as possible, at least for the early days!
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Post by mudlark on Apr 10, 2021 21:38:45 GMT
I wish I had Leo's post before we met our social worker!
We had no support at all. Honestly no one in our family or friends had a clue about adoption!
We gave a good spiel to social workers e.g. My sister and husband 'could if needed' come round to help out. My dad and step mum ' could if needed offer respite' our nearest neighbours ' could if needed' offer support.
In reality we had no structured respite and no concrete support. It is wonderful if you really do have support you can rely on, but if you don't then you must imagine how you would/could cope when its just you, with no break at all. You might have small children who will need you every minute of the day and possibly night - can you handle it?
It does get better and years in you might be able to get a baby sitter - but the support network early on is something ideal to have and certainly what your social workers want to hear.
if you don't then perhaps try and get one through contacting other adopters in your area or start to look through your relatives and friends who could be useful. Look on line locally at what is available for not only adopters but for new Mums and Dads, toddler groups nearby etc.
The whole support network thing, is a hoop the social workers want you to jump through, it is a valid question but ultimately once your children arrive you will find your own way..you will have to!
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 11, 2021 14:29:17 GMT
Many thanks Mudlark. I must admit, one of aims here is to get the spiel right as you note.
When Mr Bear and I started talking about this, the first thing we talked about was could we do this as just our little unit, without consist outside input (because we'd chosen to live away from our families). We genuinely believe we have the energy and teamwork to do that. Also we hope (if our AC's needs will allow) to build in a small amount of rest/alone time for each of us, while the other is in sole charge.
We appreciate a LAC will require more energy and attention than perhaps a BC, but at the end of the day if we'd chosen to get pregnant we'd be in the same position geographically/support wise.
Leo's categories will certainly help us to identify actual support we could call on for when things don't pan out as hoped.
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Post by flutterby on Apr 11, 2021 16:22:08 GMT
Welcome MrsBear. One more thing I need to throw in, which does not really apply to single adopters. How are you going to cope if your child turns out to be an expert at splitting? - This can cause huge damage to your relationship. Do not underestimate this, it happens often, it will not be obvious, but if you find your relationship with hubby becomes strained, look out for it. Many "strong" couples have divorced over splitting.
Sorry I have been off the radar, All. Dealing with a lot at the mo, but will work my way through the various threads over the next few days.
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Post by serrakunda on Apr 11, 2021 16:59:53 GMT
I think the support you end up with is not the support you start out with
My family is very supportive but at a distance so not much use on a day to day level. But after a year my son was settled enough that I could take him up one day, stay over one night with him, go home next day and leave him two nights, on his own with them. My son is very close to them.
I had truly great friends who of course where busy with there own lives but who I knew I could call on in an emergency. I had lots of emotional support which is an important as the practical.
I do think its a mistake to think you can do it all alone - but support comes from different places. Stay on this forum and you have all of us as support for a start !
You need to show that you are open and willing to finding the support that you need, because right now you really don’t know what you will need.
For example, my son has ASD. Before him I knew no one with children with ASD. Since his arrival I have found a little group of three other mums (not adopters) with kids with ASD. We meet for breakfast, occasionally we go out in the evening, we talk, keep each other going. I would be lost without them.
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 11, 2021 19:08:40 GMT
Thanks both!
No we haven't discussed splitting yet. What are the red flags to look out for on that? Can it be subtler than "Mum said I could" put to Dad? I remember my sister and me trying this as kids, but we were never very successful because my parents never bought it.
"I think the support you end up with is not the support you start out with" This is exactly what I was thinking. We can try and predict what we need, but it's quite hard in the abstract.
Emotional support we will have by the bucket load. I'm from a very big family, lots of different types of experiences re parenting etc. Practical is what we need to think about more. But my neighbour has offered to introduce me to other local parents she met while on maternity leave, so that's a start.
Local groups is definitely something on my long term to do list; but it's not possible at this stage to know what will be suitable. Worth letting the SW know it's part of the plan though.
And I am super grateful to have found this forum!
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Post by flutterby on Apr 12, 2021 5:53:02 GMT
Hm, how to explain splitting. For starters it is mixed with trauma reactions. Your child/ren actually believe that what they are saying is 100% true. To them it is really happening. So they will be scared and you end up thinking, well, that was a bit harsh, can't he dumb it down a bit, poor kid.
Or they may play up one person when they are on their own with them to a degree never, ever seen in birth children (I know the difference, I have both) only to be sweet and well-mannered when both are around. And the other parent fails to grasp the extent to which things change when they are not there and therefore not showing enough sensitivity towards the parent who's on the receiving end. (There is nothing wrong with installing CCTV)
The key thing is, often they don't (need) to say anything. It is their general behaviour which changes when both of you are there. That you may deduct what the other parent is like from the child's behaviour around them.
He child may goad one parent to be the perpetrator, because this is what they know from birth family. The fact that this new wo/man ist so different and nice is actually super scary for them so they try to get them to show their "real" colours according to their own beliefs.
We had lots of family locally. And lots of friends. All being very supportive. But when reality dawned very few of them could/wanted to handle this.
And we literally lost pretty much all of these people. The grief you go through is immense. People not getting in touch anymore. Not wanting to meet up. We had to completely rebuild our lives. To this day I find it hard to look at our wedding album. It is so full of before people and very few after. Ask yourself, how many of your family and friends actually listen and try and understand others, regardless of whether they agree, who really cares about people for the sake of caring? The others, if they stick around, will probably offer lots of inappropriate advice.
While it's nice to be introduced to other people with young children, they experience will be so different, you may not be able to relate. Seek out people with children who don't fit the mould. The ones with extra needs, other adopters. There may be coffee morning run for adopters/potentials where you can get to know people who will share your experience.
One last thing, get the A to Z of therapeutic parenting by Sarah Naish. Or anything else by her.
At the mo you come across as someone who believes there will be difficulties, but as long as you prepare, explore and do some more, you will be abke deal with it and it'll get better in time. (That was me too) You may be lucky and your child may be able to adapt, and have some difficulties which are manageable.
We always thought that with the right therapy we will be ok. The right therapy may not be available or may not exist. Your child may be so traumatised that they cannot live in a family. There are things you can't fix. You then need to become an advocate for your child to fight for help. And it may not be forthcoming. You may be blamed. And get sent on useless parenting courses.
You cannot prepare enough for adoption, but at the same time nothing prepares you for it.
Good luck xx
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 12, 2021 19:31:03 GMT
Many thanks Flutterby. That's given me a lot to think about.
"At the mo you come across as someone who believes there will be difficulties, but as long as you prepare, explore and do some more, you will be abke deal with it and it'll get better in time. (That was me too) You may be lucky."
You have me spot on there. Although I'm 100% not going into this thinking I can fix anything; for me it's about possibly giving a child an alternative outcome.
Is there another approach to have at my stage than "I think I can do this"? I'm an optimist by nature; but a I do accept a well meaning person getting in too deep will only make things worse. So I mean this simply as, is there a better approach.
I'm prepared to give up a huge amount of my life as it stands to do this. And I know I can advocate when I need to.
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Post by serrakunda on Apr 12, 2021 20:59:38 GMT
Personally I feel, if you don’t think you can do something then you shouldn’t
Its what’s attached to that thought that matters, so for me it’s I can do this tempered by
recognising that I can’t do it alone recognising when I need help and support accepting that there is no such thing as the perfect parent, and if there is its certainly not me! So accepting that sometimes you will get it wrong or at least not quite right accepting that its ok to find it hard and that sometimes you will not like yourself and/or your children accepting its ok to cry and throw your toys out the pram on occasion accepting that sometimes you’ll wish you hadnt
I think you get my drift !
Remember that we all post from our own personal experience. We all start out hopeful, some of us have a much tougher time than others. I have a cracking son, we have had our share of challenges but we were fortunate in getting the right therapy at the right time and having exceptionally supportive schools. We have come through our tough times and I am optimistic for the future. Sadly not everyones experience.
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Post by mrsbear21 on Apr 12, 2021 22:09:14 GMT
Thanks. That's a good way to look at it. And pretty much every expectation or plan I had since Mr Bear and I started talking about this 2 plus years ago has turned out to be wrong, fatally flawed or in need of change. So I could probably add that to the outlook list.
And I really appreciate hearing everyone's experiences. It's the closest I can get to beginning to understand, until we have to do it.
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 2, 2021 18:11:00 GMT
Just by way of an update, I've spoken to my sister who (while not around the corner) does live close enough to give some of the practical help various of you mentioned. She doesn't want a family of her own (for various complicated reasons) but is excited at the prospect in time of being an Auntie. She's happy to work out a semi formal/regular arrangement. I also spoke to my church and there are people in the parish who have adopted, and hopefully we're going to be put in touch with them. So making some steps towards building a more concrete support network. Thanks again for all the responses; they've really helped.
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Post by leo on May 3, 2021 21:30:29 GMT
That sounds really positive and I am happy for you that your sister wants to be involved and support you.
You mention church as well. Have you heard of the 'Home for good' charity? I have no personal experience of them but I know of them through a friend who attends support groups and events with them through her local church. They may be active in your area.
Well done for reaching out for support already, it is good to make these links early on.
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 4, 2021 20:36:58 GMT
Thanks Leo. I have Home for Good bookmarked. Mostly they seem to have information sessions and online only at the moment. I'm hoping this and many other avenues might re-open when/if things open up some more...
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Post by moo on May 5, 2021 6:07:25 GMT
Let's hope that covid slows & training & courses start up again.... it is essential to be prepared & prove to ss that you have all bases covered & researched...
Invaluable is volunteering with child orientated groups... scouts, guides , brownies, listening to readers at schools.... the longer that you have done this before panels the better for ss....
Good Luck with the extensive reading list... I remember many of the stories biographies are tuff reading....My bible was Dan Hughes, not sure he is so much today Bruce Perry too...obviously Sally Donovan has written books since that are brilliant... better than the heart wrenching early life experiences of abused & traumatised children now adults ...
Great to read your update posts... fantastic.... Good Luck xx
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 6, 2021 20:36:12 GMT
Yep doing what we can remotely. I'm doing online English tutoring with primary school kids and Mr Bear is doing an online reading scheme. As soon as we can we'll be doing more in person.
We've got and read Sally Donovan's books. Also reading some technical books about developmental delay and FASD, and we've read a number of Louise Allen's books which (while from a fostering perspective) bring up some interesting/important points. Will look up the other authors you mentioned though.
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Post by mudlark on May 8, 2021 22:19:17 GMT
Mrs Bear, I love your enthusiasm and your optimism, they will stand you in good staid. I am by nature both of these things. Just be wary - be ready to feel disappointed, fed up, frustrated - think now about how you might pick yourself up from that - who do you have that can cheer you up - it will be very important that you have someone or something that can lift you when things get tough. It's like preparing a life raft - what do you need to bring. It is great you are posting and open to suggestions.
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 9, 2021 10:00:44 GMT
Thanks Mudlark! I like the life raft analogy. We're certainly trying to mentally prepare for many storms seas!
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Post by leo on May 18, 2021 22:39:03 GMT
Have you started your training yet Mrs. Bear? I still remember the frustration of time appearing to go so slowly between being accepted, training, matching etc.
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 19, 2021 20:59:15 GMT
First training session is 3rd of June. So far our agency have seemed pretty responsive. That was just the next date they had a space. I'm ok with the timing so far. We've been talking about doing this for so long now that I'm still getting used to the idea that now it's really really happening!
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Post by mudlark on May 20, 2021 11:01:39 GMT
I am excited on your behalf - despite everything, adopting Lapwing and Peewit has been the best and most life affirming thing I have ever done, my husband would agree!
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 20, 2021 19:14:45 GMT
Thank you Mudlark. I kmow it's important to remember to be excited! At the moment it's a mountain of forms and trying to prepare and be realistic, without being so realistic that you scare yourself.... But I really think it will be so worth it.
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Post by mrsbear21 on May 21, 2021 20:43:08 GMT
All our referees got their forms and requests today! It was like a little flurry of news/excitement. Plus my church came back with contact details for several adopters in our area, which is also great news!
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Post by leo on May 25, 2021 22:05:49 GMT
Doing a long overdue bit of dusting today and I came across some books that may be of use for family and friends. They are part of a small series and all are available free from any Timpson shoe repair shops. They usually have them on the counter for you to take and are happy for you to take as many as you need.
I can't remember the exact titles now (short term memory issues from my son seem to have rubbed off on me!) but they are small square books written almost in a cartoon style that makes them quick and easy to read - and may prompt discussions or requests for further reading.
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