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Post by mudlark on Dec 27, 2020 22:33:56 GMT
Lapwing is now 11. We have had five years of therapy..I know therapeatic parenting inside out... We have had some good years. She is academically bright. She is scoially gregarious and loves her so called 'freinds'
Problem. She has started secondary school in september, I have had phone calls every week about various issues, fighting, vaping, inapproproiate use of phone. I have had chats, sand play sessions, hot chocolate mummy time, taken away phone, been into the school, instigated weekly time out sessions at school ( hated by Lapwing) anyway I always check her phone and find out last week she is the 'girlfriend' of a boy who has been excluded from school for threatening behavoir with knives....his family all over facebook, not such a great influence! Anyway I bring it up as she swaggers and swears like a mancunian drug dealer and she sort of shrugs.... after tears and hot chocolate and more tears, shrugs, attittude and many tissues, she says she hates her life, herself etc....ALL this to be expected but what do I do about the boy!? Lapwing ( although gorgeous and so sweet) IS a total liar, deceiver and trixter.. I do not trust her one inch. I feel like a tyrant if I, take away the phone, force her to dump the knife wielding weasel, ban her from using the hideous Whatss app....she is only 11...looks 16 when she wears makeup... seems 4 yrs old when she weeps on my lap...all 5ft 4 of her! The gist of this ramble is....is it ok for me to read and monitor her phone, make comment on her friends, so called boy friends, she is 11, I feel all this 'freedom' is too much.
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Post by flutterby on Dec 28, 2020 7:12:46 GMT
Yes, absolutely, since she cannot keep herself safe, you at least have to try for her. If you haven't yet, install qustodio or another parent software on all of her devices. She need not (should not) know about it. You can then monitor as little or as much is required. You can set specific words which are not "allowed" and will either block content or alert you to it, whichever way you choose.
Also, only online activity allowed is downstairs in the same room as you. Disconnect WiFi if necessary. Keep her as close as you can.
If you have a good relationship with SS, inform them that Lapwing is at risk of being groomed. Also get her registered with police as vulnerable.
I hate secondary, the leap is too great for most well adjusted kids, never mind ours.
Butterfly is only just 9, five ft tall and a shoe size 7! Their height and believe that any little girl ought to wear make up (bl***y cartoons and their awful depiction of females), makes them particularly vulnerable to being abused. And they'll do anything to make themselves believe they are popular, another cartoon pet hate of mine.
So hard to protect them from themselves, but at least we have to try. Xxx
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Post by moo on Dec 28, 2020 7:40:57 GMT
Sending hugs mudlark this sounds sooo tricky....
Like here the more you manage, confiscate & threaten the more they carry on regardless determined to do their own thing because it winds us up ... tadaaa they have won... I am now so reluctant to ban/confiscate as it just reinforces the desire to do what we don't want 🙃 🙃 the line is so fine on how to manage....
Loving flutterby's apps... wish I were better tech savvy as it sounds sooo the way to go...
I am with you about emotional age versus height & appearence.... As I am sure you remember baa has always been very tall & mature looking for his age... not wanting to scare you ladies but he is 14 & measured last week, 6 foot 7 inches (short!!!!!!) He still has size 14 feet.....He's breathtakingly tall my stiff neck is permanently sore I am 5ft 8ins so not short to look up!.... I am so proud of him he has come so far....but in awe as all girls (11+) adore him, pursue him as they think he is 18 at least!
Skweek is my bigger problem tho as he is jealous of baa's attention & consequently girl mad.... gentle & only wants a girl to talk to as meeting in person would probably be 'too much mummy!!' But jealousy is adding to their constant one-upmanship.....
But yes install flutterby's app & keep monitoring for her safety & emotional growth, she still needs propping up.... The fine line approach is so tuff to pitch just right.... please post us all tips we need your wisdom... Sending hugs I know I have been surprised by how young these issues have arrived for us xxx
Good Luck xxxxx
P.s. my take on secondary.... we are lucky we have a small supportive school .. B.U.T.... they encourage responsibility, freedom & less monitoring ( support in my book) so decision making & time to spend planning dodgy thought process too free & easy meaning mistakes are made that do not swiftly enough get reviewed understood & therfore not revisited!? I think schools forget that some students' maturity level, life experiences & mental health needs far more propping up & therapeutic support 24/7.... it really doesn't seem to be part of staff remit or understanding 😕 🙄 😐 😒 🤔 😪
Xx moo 🐮
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Post by mudlark on Dec 28, 2020 22:15:17 GMT
Thanks Flutterby I used to be tech savvy but have fallen behind the times! Thanks for a useful reminder to get back and use the techjnology to help me!
Moo, it is so hard when they look so much older!
I am really quite besieged at the moment... ( secondary trauma definately playing a part in that) it's coming at me from all dircections... I am going to take day or two 'out' and think about it.. my emotional knee jerk reaction is not necessarily the right one, being an adoptive parent is a daily challange. Sometimes , often , amazingly rewarding, joyful. However there are also the frequent dark days, I suppose the trick is to remember/hang on to the joyful moments....
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Post by mooster on Dec 29, 2020 8:17:43 GMT
I have sent a rather long and waffly pm!
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Post by leo on Jan 3, 2021 21:30:30 GMT
For a very on-time person in real life I seem to make a habit of coming to these things late. Sorry!
Oh Mudlark, it sounds like you are dealing with so much. A girl who is growing up fast but not ready for the independence or responsibilities that come with that. Such a hard thing to manage - for both of you.
I think you are right to want to keep tabs on her - and I think most parents do at that age anyway. How you manage that without making her more secretive is going to be tricky though.
Has the boy been permanently excluded? Would that help in any way to at least keep them physically apart - and then with less freedom and more monitoring on gadgets he may lose interest and move on? Naive and too hopeful maybe?
I do also think though that you need to be proactive in dealing with this - with support/professionals backing you up. Sadly issues in teenage years (and she's not even there yet) escalate much quicker than when children are younger and are difficult to rein in unless tackled quickly. Thinking back to some of your previous posts about Lapwing, if you start to tie them together you can definitely see you are right to be worrying.
Sorry to sound negative but I really hope you can access some urgent support for you both. Take care.
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Post by mudlark on Jan 4, 2021 14:19:13 GMT
Leo you can obviously remember some previous posts and yep it's not heading in the greatest direction. Not much good to say about COVID other than at the moment she is going to be at home for at least 2 weeks....this gives her time away from school, peers, poor influences, and maybe I will be able to reach through her brain fog and grab her back to me! The offending 'weasel boy' has been dumped, blocked and deleted from her phone, only to re appear with new phone number this weekend ! I have posession of her phone so perhaps zero responce will have him bored and moving on.
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